“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
Is there ONE person who has been helped by calling these numbers? All they do is call the cops on you. More hell. Can one person say they were helped to be well. No I don’t think so. It is just all a waste of money for these places. The employees don’t care. When you are suffering 24/7 with out one minute of peace or pleasure and no sleep, death is the only answer. Why am I still living?? Why?
Diane,
Even though they certainly can’t help everybody, crisis lines have helped many people — thousands, maybe even millions. I myself have talked with people who said they were helped, and some have said so in comments they’ve submitted on this site. Also, researchers have systematically investigated whether hotlines are effective, and for many people (again, not all), they are. I sum up some of those studies in the post, Why Do Suicide Hotlines Get So Much Hate?
I’d like to challenge you to try — and I know this is easier said than done — to recognize that because something isn’t helpful, or maybe even is harmful, to you doesn’t mean that’s true of everybody. People are unique, our experiences are unique, our impressions are unique. In less than two years, 8.6 million people have called, texted, or used online chat with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Many of those are people who call more than once. In fact, some people call 988 so much that limits are placed on them. That’s not an approach I favor, but I mention it here to illustrate that yes, yes, many people have been helped by crisis hotlines. If they didn’t get something from it, they wouldn’t keep calling back!
I’m sorry that hotlines haven’t helped you, and as I’ve said in other comments, sorry that you suffer so greatly. I hope that things get better for you, and thank you for sharing here. 🙂
My old roommate said that I’m a burden to everyone and that nobody loves me, cares for me or even wants to be my friend. I feel that she’s right, everyone is. Whatever everyone told me is true. I just want everything to end. I won’t kill myself but if anyone wants to kill me, I’ll just let them. School sucks, I always sleep in class, rarely do my homework and my grades are constantly dropping. I’m a loser, failure, good-for-nothing, piece of trash who only knows how to ruin ppl’s life. Everyone is tired of me and I’m tired of myself too. I just hope that I go to sleep tonight and never wake up from this nightmare ever again.
Don’t let them tell you those things , your young , go prove them wrong 💯
Do it for me , I’m too old , but your not * I care love to you & hugs from Angela in England.
This stacey woman does not know how horrible it is to be sick. I have brain damage and I stumble around the house all day. I can’t sleep for two years because of my brain. So she is gonna tell me life is worth living? She has NO CLUE about suffering unless she is sick. NO CLUE.
Diane,
It’s awful you suffer so much. I hope you’re able to experience at least a little sleep and relief soon. If you want to talk with someone by phone, text, email or online chat about what you’re going through, please check out these free resources.
Thanks for sharing here!
If you only knew how many doctors I have been to and ER three times No one could help. They only made me worse so I have no hope at all. The physical suffering with a brain injury is unlike any other. The torment is 24/7. No let up. Head pressure, shaking, no sleep, so afraid. Calling one of those numbers only brings the police. More torment for me. Almost two years of no sleep. No one believes me.
Your writing style is fine. Not an issue at all.
Dear Diane,
I am so sorry that you are sick & for what you are going through.
I don’t know this “stacey woman” or you, but I agree with you. She doesn’t have A CLUE & her response to you was cold, referring you to a website & ends her post with
“Thanks for sharing here!” – EXCLAMATION POINT! (??). Please Doc ….
Anonymous,
Well, I’m feeling very clueless because I had no idea the exclamation meant anything that could be construed as negative. My use of it was sincere. I truly am grateful to Diane for sharing here, because I know many readers feel less alone by seeing what others are going through.
I’m reminded of how I learned only recently that ending a text with a period has potentially insulting implications, which I never knew. It may be a generational thing — I’m in my 50s and didn’t grow up with the extra meaning punctuation seems to have acquired in our world of texting, DM’s, etc.
I care very much about everyone who posts here, and I grieve about all the suffering I witness in their words. At the same time, the site has received more than 10,000 comments and I’m the only person running it, so the comments are intended to be an exchange between readers rather than myself (especially because I can’t provide counseling here, for legal and ethical reasons in my profession). I’d hoped that my response, even brief, was better than none, but now I’m not so sure! I definitely learned something new and will be more careful about the nuances of exclamation points moving forward. Seriously! I’m worried my tone could sound facetious to others who don’t share an emphasis on punctuation, but I’m being sincere. And I do thank you for sharing here, too.
“This stacey woman,” as you put it is the Ph.D. therapist who is volunteering her time to help people in trouble. Claiming that only people who are suffering as you are can have “a clue,” is troubling, as it implies that only those in your own condition can understand or help you. That’s like saying only doctors suffering brain damage can understand and help people suffering brain damage. As to the further complaint about her using an exclamation point, that’s just a way of showing understanding and enthusiasm, vs just ending with a period, which can seem to imply indifference. At the very least, Dr. Freedenthal deserves more respect for her education and her attempts to help than to be reduced to the status of “this stacey woman.” While I sympathize with your suffering, I’m at a loss to explain the sheer hostility of your response to her and her valuable work.
Linda,
Thank you. I truly appreciate your supportive words. Yes, truly! (And yes, that exclamation point is definitely meant to convey enthusiasm and heartfelt gratitude.❤️)
I agree. Thank you Stacey. I think our depression can consume us. We are angry about the cards we dealt, we want to blame someone for the pain. My mind is tortured, I have anxiety that is paralyzing, but I am not alone. I think souls who try to heal and comfort us, deserve the upmost respect and praise. Someone like Stacey could save a life. Thank you Stacey.
hey, its jade. im quitting social life, maybe even my life. I dont feel like me nor do i feel loved. I know im loved and cared for but i dont know what to do. I guess i just wish to feel loved, i just want to be hugged tight and feel needed. I want to feel VISIBLE to others.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
Hey Jade. I totally know how you feel, I feel the same way. Quit social life if you want – I don’t blame you! – but please, luv, don’t quit life.
Quit social life, its exhausting. Get a dog or join a pet shelter, thats what i do. Animals want to be loved, just sitting with a shelter dog will make their day, and they will love you back unconditionally. You have so much to give, and there are creatures out there who are just as lonely. You have the ability to help them too, and you’ll be all the more happier because of it.
I don’t know where to start. Just so so tired of everything.
dead end work and phoney careers, Money, Politics, Social interaction. Endless government corruption, Media propaganda, rent, food, energy prices. Living in a house shares at 37. Lack of basic manners and basic civility in UK society today. Social media is a cancer and I believe is probably the root cause to our demise. Brexit ( so I’m stuck on this depressing island),
phony democracy. The cost of existing. The list goes on and on.
I regularly think about all those young people who fought in WW2 and never came home. The state of the country today does nothing but reinforce my belief that they died in vain.
Sorry for rambling.
Hi SD, I’m British too. I know what you mean, it feels like things ain’t what they used to be. But those people you’re talking about, who went through WWII, a lot of them had lives much harder than ours – and that’s before they went off to fight! I don’t think they’d be too impressed if we felt overwhelmed by the problems the country has got today.
Besides, mate: 2p off national insurance! Cheers!