“If someone’s life is so awful that they want to die by suicide, why stop them?”
I am frequently asked some variation of this question, even by mental health professionals. Once, a therapist told me about a client of hers with schizophrenia. “He is miserable, and he will always have schizophrenia. I think letting him kill himself is humane.”
I am passionate about suicide prevention. My stance often draws the ire of people who think that people should have the right to end their own life without interference by well-meaning others.
To my mind, there are many reasons to stop someone from suicide. (I am not, by the way, including “death with dignity” or “hastened death.” That’s grist for another discussion.)
Before going into those reasons, I want to make clear that I don’t take intervention lightly. I don’t call the police if someone discloses suicidal thoughts. I don’t think people should be involuntarily committed to a hospital except in the most extreme circumstances, like if someone has a gun in their car and tells me they are going to shoot themselves when they leave my office, without any desire or will to come up with an alternative. I consider myself to be a therapist who doesn’t panic about suicide.
Why Prevent Suicide?
Except in very limited circumstances, such as states where physician-assisted death is legal for people with terminal illness, I believe that therapists should never give up helping a suicidal person to stay alive.
The most important reason to prevent suicide is that suicidal crises, though formidable and painful, almost always are temporary. Even if the person continues thinking about suicide, the intense suicidal intent usually subsides. Consider that 90% of people who survive a suicide attempt do not go on to die by suicide. That number is very revealing. Even among people who wanted to die so strongly that they tried to end their life, most ultimately chose to live.
As long as a person is alive, things can change for the better. Situations change. Even if their external situation is unchangeable, they may discover things that make their life worth living. There is always the possibility that they may find ways to cope. Or they may come to appreciate different things in life. They may even find a purpose in life that gives their loss or trauma meaning.
Kevin Hines is a suicide prevention advocate who, years ago, jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge, the site in the U.S. with the most suicides every year. Death is almost certain when one jumps from the bridge. More than 1,500 people are known to have jumped to their death, and only 30 or so are known to have survived. So when Kevin jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, he was absolutely intent on dying. And yet, even with that intention, the moment he jumped off the bridge, he instantly regretted his decision.
His experience is one of many (including my own story) that illustrates that the wish to die is fluid. It comes and goes to varying degrees. A great many people who are saved from suicide are thankful, sooner or later, to be alive.
Is Suicide Rational?
Another important reason to prevent suicide is because, proponents of rational suicide notwithstanding, suicide is often irrational.
Some research indicates that 90% of people who die by suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death (though more recently, some evidence indicates that not as many people who die by suicide have a mental illness diagnosis).
Mental illness distorts thinking. What is bad can seem good, and vice versa. Often, very often, when a person’s mental health improves, the wish to die goes away.
Some people contest the high estimates of mental illness in suicide. Even if we presume the 90% figure is correct, not everyone who dies by suicide has a mental illness. Other things besides mental illness can also distort one’s thinking, such as substance use, sleep deprivation, and trauma.
When people address these issues, they often join the legions who seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, and who many years later live to tell about it.
Revised on May 30, 2017, this post was originally titled “‘If Someone’s Life is So Awful that They Want to Die, Why Stop Them?'”
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
I read this and from a person who thinks about dying at some point every day. As I have gotten older I am less likely to try anymore. for some people who survive an attempted suicide life gets harder. Life gets worse. Depression gets worse. People have told me “well if you would have really wanted to die you would have tried harder” or “Oh, I see you can’t do anything right” after 5 or 6 overdose attempts, apparently I do have trouble getting that right. I will say only one of those times did I admit myself to the ER. Oh, I regret that everyday.
I will say I am not sure where the medical field gets their learning and answers from, because so many statements I hear from them I just do not agree with. I do know but I think if someone want to commit suicide, then it is their choice. It might be the only real choice you have that you can somewhat control.
Yes, I get that people will say but what about the people that you leave behind. And to that I say, I did not ask to be here there for why should I really care. I am 52 and lost my mother March 15 2026. Worse day of my life. Made me realize even more that life is BS and a waste of time. It has really no meaning. I don’t care who you are you are going to die. So, why do it at all? I ABSOLUTELY HATE BEING ALIVE. I really always have.
Wyatt,
Thank you for sharing here. I’m so sorry about all you’ve had to endure, not only longstanding despair but also the recent death of your mother.
I’m also sorry for the terrible comments you’ve received. Remarks like “you would have tried harder” or “you can’t do anything right” are profoundly cruel. No one deserves to have their pain dismissed or mocked.
You mentioned you disagree with much of what the mental health field says. I get that. We don’t always get it right, and many people have had negative experiences, unfortunately. I might disagree with some of the conclusions you’ve reached, but I respect that they come from your painful lived experiences, not from theory.
One thing I’ve learned, though, is that despair can be a very convincing liar. I’ve known many people who felt certain their life would never get better and who later told me that their lives became more bearable over time. Not only bearable, but in many cases, even meaningful and joyful. Our minds aren’t good fortune-tellers when we’re in the depths of despair or grief. That’s why one of my favorite phrases is, “Don’t believe everything you think.”
Thank you again for sharing here. I hope that you experience moments that soften your pain, even if it doesn’t feel possible right now. You deserve compassion, including from yourself.
Thank you for your reply. I do try and understand that Mental Health professionals do have a hard job. And as a mechanic I know first hand that is is hard for someone to try and describe something especially if they are not feeling it right at that time.
Plus so many self medicate and then not tell the doctor and then wonder why things are not helping. lucky for me my doctor has been my doctor for 52 years. So he knows.
And I am pretty strong person mentally so what people say has never really bothered me. My Doctor says if I wasn’t so stubborn and bull headed then I would have been dead a long time ago lol.
Ok so here’s my thing. My life is not horrible. Could it be better? Of course it could. Do I know that I am where I am because of my on choices. Yes I know that too.
I have happy times in my life. I have got to do things some people only dream about. I have met famous people. I have kids. And with all of that living life will never be worth it to me.
this article has a whole lot of words and “i advocate for suicide prevention” messages throughout and yet there is not a single concrete answer or proof or anything. this was essentially a four minute read where you say nothing and discourage no one.