“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
i hate myslff
I have tried to commit suicide so many times it just has never worked! I was told inside my head years ago that I would not be able to do it but I would die at 56 it is only 3 years from now and I can’t wait.
i,am 56 and i want to die i can,t do this anymore
I am 51 I know I will do it that’s not a if I will it’s 100 % I rather be dead then. Alive it like robin Williams said we have. That voice in our heads to kill our selves I keep hearing mine. Telling me do it I suppose I will act one day soon
im thinking of ending it all i feel like im numb every morning i just douse myself in sadness and breathe in depression. im a useless bitch.no one gives a fuck if im suicidal they just tell me to do it. they wouldn’t care if i was gone and none of my friends would
Unknown,
The abject negativity with which you speak of yourself, the feelings of being useless, the self-condemnation, the thoughts of ending it all — these are symptoms of a problem. What that problem is, I can’t know or say from afar, but I can say that psychotherapy, psychiatry, crisis intervention, and other forms of treatment can help.
I hope you’ll get help. For starters, if you’d like to speak with someone by email, phone, online chat, or text, check out these free resources.
Thanks for sharing here.
I hate myself. I think I’m an incompetent idiot. I’d never try to kill myself but I wouldn’t care if I dropped dead on the floor right now. I’m in my mid 70s now so at least I know I won’t be around much longer.
Anonymous,
Those kinds of feelings are so, so painful. I hope that your mind is able to be kinder to you soon. If you want to talk with someone by phone, text, email, or online chat, you can find a list of resources here.
Thanks for sharing here.
I used to be happy. I had a woman who loved me, and that i loved. One day i left her. No explanation. I realized that I am the most ugly person i know, inside and out. I couldn’t muster the courage to explain this to her. I always felt there is something very sinister and awful about this world, and now i know what all those things are. And i wish i call call her and warn her, but its too late for that now, she wouldn’t hear it and i don’t blame her. I have forsaken my happiness in the hope that she may find hers with another. someone more normal. I think there should be a dating site for misanthropes like myself, and maybe some of you.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]