“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
I am in my 60’s, my hands hurt, i cant open bottles etc, my sight and hearing is going. I am alone, most days i receive no calls or text from anyone. i often go to bed praying that i don’t wake up. I work full time, mostly from home in a stressful job as i have to pay the mortgage and keep this house, that eats money. The house is a mess but i have no motivation to change it. I cant seem to make a decision about anything. nothing matters anymore i just want to give up and pray that god takes me soon. I wouldn’t actively try to kill myself but if i got ill like chest pain i would not seek help.
I’m tired of living. I’m useless, nobody needs me.
Bridge,
Those are such painful thoughts to have. They’re thoughts — not necessarily facts, probably not facts at all, but even if they are facts, they don’t have to be true permanently. So, please, don’t believe everything you think. And please talk or chat online with someone about what you’re thinking and feeling. You can find a lot of resources here.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope your thoughts are kinder to you soon.
My immediate family have died.I want to join them.Im married but feel alone.My life has been a waste of time.This world is nothing but hate, death and violence.I have tried to commit suicide before.But someone had found me.Ive struggled for years.Its gets harder everyday.I wish the pain would stop.Usually when I get to my lowest point.Ipunch myself in the face as hard as i can.Im rambling.Its hard be with someone you hate.Especially when its you.
i feel the same
No hope need to die
Harry,
Hopelessness is a feeling, not necessarily a fact — in fact, seldom a fact, and we could get into a whole philosophical discussion about whether it’s ever a fact at all. Regardless, feeling hopeless doesn’t mean there truly is no hope or that you need to die. I hope you will connect with someone by phone, chat, text, or email at one of the sites listed here. May you feel at least a drop of hope soon!
Harry I know it feels like there’s no hope sometimes, but things can turn around quickly. That advice below is really smart – you’ve gotta let those feelings out of your head and body. Bottling them up inside will just make them heavier. Speaking up now is a good first step. You’d be surprised how much better you might feel if you open up to someone you trust. Like a mom or uncle. Sharing with someone who will really listen in a safe space can help you work through what’s bothering you. Sometimes just saying it out loud or having a back-and-forth chat will help you feel less weighed down and see things differently.
And if there’s a problem you can’t solve on your own, even with help from people who care, there are professionals trained to understand and help with tough emotions. There’s nothing in this world that’s completely hopeless, except maybe when we keep everything to ourselves while feeling down. Eventually there’s no room for anything else. Your feelings are valid, man. I don’t think anyone goes through life without feeling that way at least once, and for most of us it’s more than once, especially when things aren’t perfect or there’s stuff bringing us down. Life has sad times but it can also be amazing. What I’ve learned is that as bad as it gets, once you get through it you feel so much better. Sad times also help you realize what really matters.
I’ve lost everything I cared about more than once too. I felt hopeless and that’s okay – our feelings are there for a reason to let us know when something isn’t right and what’s important to us. With those things in mind, I was able to make a plan. I took care of myself, did things that made me feel good and were good for me. The rest of the time I did what I could to change my situation. I asked for help when I needed it. There’s no shame in asking for help – it takes real strength to recognize we can’t do it all alone.
Life has sad and tough times, we all make mistakes. Some people can be jerks, and sometimes luck isn’t on our side. A million things can go wrong. But there’s so much wonderful stuff too, and we wouldn’t even know happiness without the low points. It sounds like you need someone to talk to. Keeping feelings bottled up or not having anyone makes them take over and seem way worse or bigger than they are. That’s because we’re not meant to deal with it all by ourselves. If talking to someone before didn’t help, it was probably because they weren’t the right fit. There’s an answer for every situation – you just can’t always see it alone. Sharing changes everything.
I see these comments and feel strange and kind of alone, after all, most of the people from the comments are not my age. I’m 13 almost 14 and I’m suicidal, I don’t know if I have any trauma since I for some reason struggle to remember things, I can’t even remember if I ate breakfast or not, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me! I just want to end everything right this instance but I’m afraid of the unknown, I don’t know what comes after life, what if it’s just more suffering and pain? I’m afraid to talk to someone because of rejection, my parents/family’s reaction, my psychologist and psychiatrist sending me to a mental hospital again, everyone else thinking I’m just doing it for attention… I’ve always wanted to live a long happy life, adopt 2 children, have more pets, but now… I just can’t take the pain; I don’t want to be here anymore. I know this comment is pretty pathetic and everyone has bigger problems than me, but I just had to write this.
Anonymous,
I’m grateful you wrote this. Thanks for sharing your experience; it will surely help somebody else (probably many somebodies) who reads this to feel less alone. And no, neither you nor any of the many people who experience similar problems are pathetic. Sorry, not buying that. Pain hurts; that’s its intent. You’re not pathetic for hurting.
Your pain is intense, and I can sense your confusion about why you’re having so many problems. Fear of the unknown is what keeps many people from ending their life. Some people even believe that suicide results in being reincarnated into another, more painful life to learn the lessons they didn’t learn in this one. I’m not saying that’s my belief, just validating for you that fears of the unknown — and the possibility of continued pain — are a powerful deterrent.
Even though you have a lot of reasons to fear telling your parents or friends or a therapist or psychiatrist about what you’re going through, I hope you’ll try. Life inevitably hurts, but it doesn’t have to hurt so intensely. There’s help available. You can also check out one of the resources listed here.
Thanks again for sharing here. I hope you’re in less pain soon — and I hope you have more pets and adopt children someday, too. 🙂
Thank you so much, I’ve tried communicating with my peers but they’re only making me do things I don’t want to do, each day I feel less motivation to be alive, right now I’m on protocol (in danger of myself) and I was pulled out from school in which I haven’t gone to for a month already, last year was the same, except, it wasn’t this bad, yet, I was taken out of school in august/september (one of those) and wasn’t able to go back, in fact, I was put in a mental hospital. anyways, on a more recent matter, I’m currently planning on doing something soon but… should I actually go with it..?? Call me Alyxx btw
I was passively suicidal my entire life as long as I can remeber. Its funny that that was the time I was palatable to others, socially acceptable. Now that I have been to the bottom and found what matters and am content in who I am, i am an outcast. It sounds like you are depressed and perhaps living for others rather than yourself… what is your homelife like? What do you do for YOU?
Well if you’d like to know, my homelife is quite lonely and misunderstood as I distance myself since I don’t want to commit more mistakes and let my family down or hurt them.. also, how do I live for myself? I’ve always put others before me and I’m scared to do anything different..
I’m ready for dirt to be thrown in my face but I don’t want to hurt my kids and grandkids. My wife doesn’t matter since she’s threatened to leave me many times, even though I love her dearly. Her commitment to me isn’t even close to my commitment to her.