“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
I want to die because of my boring life
I make bad decisions. I ruined my life. I hurt my daughter , can’t see my grandkids and my best friend thinks it’s scum. I just want to die. Nothing feels right except for the decision to end it all. This past year has been hell on earth. Therapy isn’t helping. I can’t take the pain of not seeing my grandchildren any more. It’s all my fault so I have no one to blame except for myself. I don’t know when but I know it’s going to be soon. I feel like a weight is lifted now that I fully made this decision.
Whatever the cause, I’m sorry for your suffering. But don’t do anything in a hurry. One day those kids are gonna want to meet their grandad!
I agree with you very similar position my depression and anger helped my wife leave me and I got so angry with her one day I yelled at her (She was in another state and I’m yelling at her), and in front of my grand daughter. I no longer see her or her family they were MY family now I have nothing one daughter but not too close just sooo lonely and hurt so bad I miss the grand daughter and her family and they are gone i have ZERO left to live for. wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. I believe in euthanasia if a person NO longer wants to be here their wishes should be respected. IF THEY feel there is no need for them here and they just want to go to sleep and not wake up it should be made available to them.
Going through a tough time time at the moment. Mentally, I am not in a good space. My girlfriend of fifteen years has been seeing someone else and is going to leave me. As she puts it…”I’m not leaving because I don’t love you. I am leaving because you did not pay enough attention to me physically or emotionally the last year” I was already in a bad space before she decided this although it was not visible to anyone. I am hurt, alone, and lonely and I am having dark thoughts. I am too old to start again. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t even know if I am in the right place to talk about this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely feel you. After years of unhappiness for various reasons, my high school sweetheart and I found our way back to each other. It’s been a few years, our families are integrated. He is in a dark place and refusing help. He’s not leaving me but says I should leave to protect myself. I have deep depression and this has triggered me unbelievably. I just want to disappear and be gone from the world.
If he’s warning you to leave to protect yourself, take heed and leave! I’ve learned through experience that if someone warns you against themselves, you should take it seriously. His dark place is affecting you in a very negative way and it sounds like he’s on the verge of becoming physically abusive. Please prioritize your physical safety first and then seek counseling for your depression. Please.
Hiya.
Yeah, I’d say it’s the right place…*a* right place, anyway.
Maybe your relationship is salvageable? Especially since she says she still loves you. I’d say, as long as she’s still there (and maybe even after she’s not), there’s a chance – maybe you could try to explain that there were reasons you weren’t as available to her as you’d have liked.
Failing that…of course it’s grim to contemplate the end of such a relationship. Even if it happens though, and even if you feel you don’t want another of the same kind (although that might change) – it doesn’t mean life has nothing left to offer, maybe something entirely different. You had a life before her. It may not be what you’d choose but, if it comes to it, you can have a life after her.
Please know your not alone , I left a lovely house because, my long term partner of 22yrs lied , & gave me no respect in the end , he had been physical once.
My 2 daughters have turned their backs on me & I’m hopelessly lonely even though I go out at times , work is awful , worried about finances .
Both parents don’t care either , & nobody I feel I can cry to , for help , at 61 I’m done with men in my life as lovers, I feel a failure & feel I’ve bought my daughters up with no respect for me , although both of their fathers I feel didn’t care anything for me in the end .
I have passive suicide thoughts , I idealise that suddenly if I’m dead my daughters might love me, tbh I think they will be shocked into giving a damn , but it will be forgotten quickly, when they get a financial pay out from my death .
That’s all I meant to them ,& I’m ashamed of them both & it’s agony realising this truth .
I can’t see any happy ending only the end , but I don’t want to be the one to do it , as that would look like I’m after sympathy & that’s not me .
I just can’t take anymore of this life I’m living now , as I should have just put up with the emotional abuse & disrespect from him , but at least my daughters would be non the wiser if I’d stayed
He won in the end & he will be ecstatic that he’s brought me to my death bed for him .
You start life with such high hopes, but gradually everything just wears out. People let you down, friends drift away, wife and family don’t really care, nothing works out like you hoped, your health gradually deteriorates, you lose faith. At best – like Sam at the end of Lord of the Rings – you ‘can do without hope, as long as you can postpone despair’.
Today, I just wanted to say it. Like a message in a bottle.
‘Woke up this morning, don’t believe what I saw / Hundred million bottles washed up on the shore…’
Very true. Especially about people letting you down, friends drifting away. Sad – but for us, unfortunately not for them. Thanks for sharing & the LOTR quote.
Hope is a trap. Hope is based on the belief in an expectation that something will occur, often leading to disappointment because of this dependence on outside factors beyond our control. Our happiness, success, and quality of life are often tied to our ability to achieve these expectations, ingrained in us from a young age when we are asked what we want to be. The despair so many of us feel or the emptiness – is actually a symptom of what is wrong with our entire society and it is not an END. It means that you desire better and you are meant for better. WE ALL ARE. This is your ticket to freedom and authenticity which will in turn feed your soul and give you fulfillment and faith. FAITH is knowing and wherever you are you are fufilled. HOPE is expecting and it leads nowhere.
It may be beneficial to start with our natural talents and desires to ensure happiness and fulfillment, following our interests and gifts instead of conforming to others’ hopes and expectations. Rather than rely on hope, faith offers a deeper sense of knowing and contentment, allowing us to navigate life’s uncertainties with resilience and authenticity. It is through faith that despair is replaced with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I beleive god gives us all gifts we are born with for a reason. When we find them we should follow them and have faith in that. Hope we can live without, only through FAITH. DESPAIR is defined as the absence of FAITH. Well, it used to be – I note that the word faith has been removed and that is SUS. Society is not built for us to become fufilled that should become clear on your journey. This is not a bad thing once you are aware.
As a child our natural faith is exchanged for hope way too often, and it is subtle.
Hope is a stranger to who we realy are and what we truly need. It is controlled by the confines of our mind, influenced by others expectations and measures of success. Hope depends on receiving – it is dependent on the trappings of infinite meaningless mazes to nowhere. It makes for a rigid and unforgiving architect – espescialy since life is never according to any plan that we have access to.
Hope is a word often thrown around as if it were the essence of life… I have learned that is almost antimatter when compared to everything that springs from Faith. Faith allows us to KNOW not HOPE. It is a state of being and without question, we know things will be okay regardless of the situation.
I truly feel this is why life feels so pointless to so many. Faith feeds your soul – Hope devours it. You will trade anything to acheive hopes and dreams and still be unhappy. People who have Faith know that all that you have is your soul. Your soul is everything and in your faith you are content and fufilled.
Carefully examine your source of despair. I bet you arent the only architecht of the hopes that led you there. Find what your true calling is, go back to crayons if you have to start at the beginnning, what made you excited and happy? Frogs? Space? Singing? If you start with one small piece that is authentic you will find you no longer feel despair.
Authenticity is the key to unlocking this despair.. unsure where to start? Do nice things for others without expectation, or spend time with your kids, neices, nephews or join a club that is in your area of interest if you remember what that is. Do not be afraid to walk away from a life based on “Hope”. It is like building on a poor foundation. Faith is everything and we are born with it. Hope is implanted. Anything other than faith – by definition leads to depair. Because DESPAIR is the absence of Faith.
I watched a Tony Robbins video once an it had an amazing message that if something in your life changes and you feel like life is over it is because we are living our lives based on an expectation built from blueprints that no longer work. Stop and change your blueprints to fit YOU. Without faith and authenticity this kind of resiliency is impossible. I was searching to find out why the word faith was replaced with Hope and when and I found this – my entire rant is also part of the messsage of Kierkegaard – I think Tolstoy too, found Faith was the key to happiness after spending many years in despair searching for fufillment and life’s meaning.
Your despair is not an END it is a beginning as long as you don’t stop there. Suicide would be like driving all the way to an awesome theme park and hanging out in the parking lot then going home. You are unhappy for a reason and it is only through this journey that you will find your bliss.
https://academyofideas.com/2020/10/soren-kierkegaard-value-of-despair/
Hi, Thanks for those replies (OP here!). It’s nice just to know that someone read what you wrote.
Like a lot of people who end up on here, I think, I have no definite intention to commit suicide. I just wish sometimes that it could end. I do have faith, but I see it a little differently than you do: not as certainty, but as the acceptance of uncertainty. I need a certain amount of positivity in order to sustain it (it often feels like it’s me carrying God, not the other way round). And, like the man said, I see them as going together, Faith, Hope and Love.
I agree that our society as a whole lacks hope and genuine, spiritual purpose. I don’t think I can fix that though! And I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you.
I am an 89-year-old male whose wife died 20 years ago, and I have not been able to get over her passing. I live alone in the home in Dover, DE that I thought would be our retirement place together and it is becoming more difficult for me to continue in this manner. I don’t want to find myself in a nursing home but I have no relatives nearby. I have one daughter who is a French citizen and lives in France and two nieces, neither of whom is close by: one lives in Honolulu and the other in Washington, DC. I cannot find any reason to want to continue living. Have tried psychotherapy to no avail. Any advice?
Hi Lawrence.
Is there any possibility of going to live with or near your daughter? I know you’ll probably be thinking you don’t want to be a burden to her, but I’m sure she wouldn’t want to think that you didn’t feel you could turn to her when you needed her. And I’m sure she still needs you, too, we never stop needing our parents even if they’re not physically close by. And your wife wouldn’t want you to give up either, would she? When it comes, it comes, but meantime you’re living the dream for both of you, right? 🙂
Lawrence,
I can imagine how alone and afraid you feel about the uncertain future. I understand not wanting to live in a nursing home, and I also don’t think that’s a foregone conclusion. The Washington Post had an excellent article recently — Where do Americans live after 85? Look inside the homes of 11 seniors— that looks at diverse living situations. Some people in the article are fortunate to live with family, but the article also features two men — one who is 100, and the other who is 101 — who live alone in their home. So, you never know! That said, not all nursing homes are alike, and some people have positive experiences living there (including one of the people featured in the article).
You said you can’t find any reason to want to continue living. That reminds me of an anecdote I included in my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals:
“An elderly woman lived alone in a dilapidated house. In poor health and socially isolated, she lost interest in living. One day, the story goes, a relative who lived out of town called the psychiatrist Milton Erickson. The relative was concerned about her. Could Dr. Erickson please help?
“Dr. Erickson made a house call. He could see from the plants in the woman’s house that she liked African violets. Indeed, she grew them as a hobby. When she rejected his offer to help, he made a proposal: He would not bother her again if she would agree to take some African violets to people in her community who had experienced a major life event, such as the birth of a child, a wedding, or a death in the family.
“She took him up on the offer, and it changed her life. It got her out of the house. She forged connections with others. And she felt of value to the people who delighted in receiving her African violets. Years later, the story goes, a newspaper article appeared with this headline: ‘African Violet Queen Dies, Thousands Mourn.’
“This story, told and retold in various forms by numerous psychotherapists (Fiske, 2008), makes the important point that giving to others is a gift to oneself, as well. Growing the African violets was a passion for this once-isolated woman. In sharing these beautiful flowers with others, her sense of connection and value to others bloomed.”
I include that anecdote here because I wonder if, like the African violet queen, you could find reason to continue living by helping others in some way. Maybe?
I hope you do find a reason to live, and I hope you honor that reason, whatever it is.
Thank you for sharing here.