“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
Can someone (the doctor perhaps) please tell me WHY someone should NOT commit suicide if they’re in pain? Whether it be from illness, loneliness that comes with aging, no family and friends, or any other debilitating factor??? If no one cares, why should you? It’s THEIR choice & hopefully will work for them!
Iam no doctor. But I know how your feeling when it comes to that I would have to say the ball is in your hands It’s not a crime You cannot be prosecuted for it That much I know because when I had my attempt I asked the cop and he said no Because you did harm or threaten anyone. You did it to your self I live in a state with the right to die law and we opened it out of staters
You survived your attempt. Now what?
‘Work for them’? In the sense they end up dead, you mean?
That’s not a medical or health question is it? So not especially one for a doctor. It’s a philosophical / spiritual one, and the answer isn’t simple, nor provable like a proposition of geometry. But most of us believe that our lives are not just a personal possession that we can choose to switch off like a playstation. We belong to God, or if you prefer to the universe – to the complex of existence, to Life. And Life expects something from us that only we can do.
I realise that, if you’re in the state of mind to ask such a question, you probably won’t be satisfied by that answer. I can’t help that. As I’ve said in other comments, you have to *want* to be better, you have to want to create meaning and not deny it. And that’s hard if you’re already in a bad place.
We have the same name – maybe we’re related somehow. Are you one of the Pittsburg Anonymouses…? 🙂
Anonymous,
The reason I care is I’ve witnessed so, so many people — including myself — who were resolved that their situation was hopeless, wanted profoundly to die, and later were glad to be alive. I know the mind can lie. The mind can tell you there’s no hope, you’ll hurt forever, you’ll never feel peace or pleasure again. And you know what? You can’t know that. Nobody can.
There are many people who came close to ending their life, only to survive and not only appreciate their survival but also to touch others, too. Their children. Their friends. Their neighbors. Maybe even the world at large with discovery and invention. Somewhere out there, there’s a list of people who changed the world after because they didn’t succumb to suicide; unfortunately, I can’t find the list at the moment.
I’m not saying I think people should stay alive, in pain and desperation, for the sake of others. I’m saying many people make it through the dark night and find, to their surprise, there’s light after all. I know that’s not true of everybody; some people end their life and their story stops there. But for those whose story is still being written, the plot can change at any moment — for worse, yes, but also for better.
For some people, like me, medication helped tremendously. For others, the passage of time brought change. And for many others, they found some kind of “hack” to help them stay alive — helping others, developing a spiritual practice, adopting a cat or dog, or whatever worked for them. I don’t know what would work for you. I only hope you’ll try many other options — getting help, trying out treatment, making a change in your life, etc. — before choosing the irrevocable one of death. Your future self might thank you!
The reason for that is, in my not-so-humble opinion, because of let’s say, abusive tendencies fostered by the world, horrible priorities of the world and people in general, spiritual and other leeching. I have in my life not met a competent institutional doctor unless they essentially completely disavowed pharma/pasteur/etc indoctrination. And I’ve tested them for decades. All pharmaceuticals are fundamentally made to cause more harm. I say that as physicist with a fair amount of experience, who has a geneticist as a sister.
“…reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.”
I have none of these. No family, no friends, no hope of improvement of damaged spinal cord. I no longer have anything that makes life worth living. It is bad enough that psychiatrists and psychologists agree that there is nothing that can be changed to improve my circumstances. When psychiatric agrees with you, you know your just waiting to die. I hope with all my might that when I close my eyes that I don’t wake up. I figure with one of my arteries in my heart being 50% closed I don’t have long to wait. When the time comes I will refuse any medical care that will save me. Don’t bring up religion, because they are all lies and the people who believe in it are some of the worst people in the world.
That last bit, harsh! And untrue. There are plenty of bad people of all ideological persuasions, unfortunately, but everybody needs faith in something. You’re hardly demonstrating otherwise!…
What is validation by conformity to institution? Is it belief from indoctrination?
Sir iso: Erm…no!
It’s neither validation nor indoctrination – it’s *choosing* to participate.
The people who end up on this page have all kinds of different problems, but it seems to me they all have one thing in common: they have, at least for the time being, lost faith in life. In some cases I don’t blame them, especially those who have really bad physical conditions. But in all cases, only they can make that decision to have faith – that’s what it is, a decision. No one can help them, except maybe by helping them see things differently.
And that’s what religious faith is too: not a belief, but a decision. It is wisdom to choose to do freely what you have to do anyway.
I agree with you. I also am suffering horribly every second. I have brain damage and every moment is torture. Pressure in my head, Not able to sleep for two years due to the brain injury. I can’t be around people because an MRI machine damaged the nerves in my head. I just lay all day and all night hoping to die. I tried 3 times to kill myself, damaged the brain worse. I know there is no GOd because he allowed this to happen and I never hurt anyone in my life. I eat garbage food hoping I will die of a heart attack like you want to. I can’t think of any sure way to kill myself.
This really touched me – I’m so sorry.
Shane, I have no clue how I just found your post…
But once reading, I was moved by your openness and ability to share your feelings. I hope I’m not intruding on your evening. I don’t have many friends myself. I can only count 3, maybe… I only talk to one regularly. I’m sorry for your situation. I believe you are meant for so much more. PLEASE reach out to me. You’re not alone. You’re not lost. My father had 75% of his arteries closed, along with a widow maker. He’s still alive, so far. Life isn’t over, Shane! I’m not going to throw religion at you or try to talk you into it,
I can’t promise a response tomorrow, but I will promise to reply. I work a regular daily, hour-to-hour job. My personal email. [jaredt.rose@gmail.co_m] I hope you understand the extra underscore.
???? thoughts r true
It was a weekend of extreme mental emotional and physical pain. There were moments that it was extremely difficult just to put somewhat of a smile on my face. I was feeling so down and depressed that I wrote on my arm suicide. I have no intention of doing it or tried anything but I use now as a reminder of how low I feel at times. I slept in today but it did not help I got such a panic attack that I couldn’t control myself. Went for a walk and it felt so nice to be out among people. As Jim said: This is the end my only friend. The end. There is no safety nor surprise the end. I will never look into your eyes again.
‘Jim’ wasn’t choosing the End, though, was he? He was just imagining it as something inevitable as indeed, for all of us, it is.
This song has been the one thing that has kept me going since the first time I heard it. I’m 67 and it still resonates with me. Life’s lessons are hard taught. Life’s journey is a hard walk. That is my answer to this existence. Agree or disagree it doesn’t matter to me.
Casimir, It’s funny, isn’t it, that a song about armageddon could help keep you going? I guess sometimes it’s good to at least name the thing that ails us.
I certainly don’t disagree with you about life, I can’t imagine that many would – although I’d say it’s a description rather than an answer, it’s not the final word. And I have to admit, I’m not really a Doors fan…
You are definitely not a Doors fan. This song is not about Armageddon at least if you’re going to make a comment know what you are talking about. Can you picture what will be So limitless and free.
Casimir, haha, sorry, I didn’t realise you had to be a Doors fan to comment on this page! 🙂 You are a chippy chappy and no mistake. I must admit I know the song mainly from Apocalypse Now – and does it not talk about the end of *everything*?
Well, whatever. Like I said I’m not a fan but, to quote more lyrics, ‘Whatever gets you through the night, s’alright’.
Thank you for this opportunity to share. I want to die as I have nothing to live for. I am 72 year old man. I am married and am poor health I have 3 step daughters who are nice to me, but it’s not the same as having your own kids. I believe in Heaven and I want to to there as soon as possible.the thought of being completely out of pain is very exciting to me.
Thank you ???? again
Thanks for sharing. See you there, God willing – don’t be in too much of a rush though! 🙂
76 here and understand what your going through except wife is dead and kids never call like there’s long distance charges, Email is free!
Email’s not so bad is it? As long as they’re in contact. I prefer it myself…
I don’t know but this is so true sometimes oh not sometimes but some of times i think about this maybe bcs im stressed out i seem lost i dont know where to go or who to talk to i dont wanna tell my problem to anyone im stress of anything im afraid thats somene wll judge me because of saying that to them so i choose to keep it to myself but sometimes i ask myself if im gone to this world will it be great will it be a good thing if im gone would this face of mine be changed if reincarnation is real i hope in my next life i would be pretty and loved i dont wannna be the eldest child anymore i dont wanna be a fool i dont want to be disappointed to myself i dont wanna be soft hearted i dont wanna be myself anymore if theres a next life to be honest i dont know but i dont wannna suffer no more living this life of mine will be the worst i know im kinda ungrateful but living this life was the worst but my parents love me i think sorry for the wrong grammars lol i hope i wont get anxiety no more would be fine if there is a reincarnation if there is please change all the things from me i ask myself how many days can i be alive will i last till my hair is white or will i die young would be better i wanna be changed i wannna change all after all who will care for me growing up i just felt love from my parents but they are always at work so i grew up with my mothers mom my grandma so of course there is a favourism abt it so i didnt feel love i felt left out day by day gets worser but she is my best friend every time i see something i want im being childish i will definitely buy it cause im healing my own inner child