“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
Sounds like you’ve got people who care you so hang in there and get some help. If I’d have what you’ve got I would probably live into the next year.
I know I’m loved. I know I’ll be missed. I do not question this. I do not think I should feel guilty about not wanting to live this HELL that goes on in-between my ears behind my eyes 24/7. I’m tired. I’m 53 taking every psych med there is since 18 yet nothing helps on them or off them. I have been dieing slowly for years now…I’m tired, can’t take it much longer but it will take careful planning to get things in order first. I’m just tired!
You’ve made it this far, in spite of everything. Seems a shame to jump off before the end of the line.
I feel your pain. We all have our private hells. But you are lucky to be loved & will be missed.
‘Your life is not your own’, he said. ‘Keep your hands off it’.
‘What use is it to anyone?’
‘Who can tell? The example of patient suffering is in itself the most precious of all lessons to an impatient world.’
– Sherlock Holmes, The Veiled Lodger
Arthur Conan Doyle
I have had this feeling for a while now I think. I’m only 20 but it feels enough. I tell my boyfriend all the time that I just want to go to sleep, and that I am tired. He responds with saying: i know, i know. But honestly I don’t think he does, and hopefully he never will. I am probably exaggerating everything, if I am reading everyone’s stories, but I guess i just wanted to share mine, just idk to let it out i guess.
My mom is an alcoholic, which is why my dad left her when I was four. I think I understand, i would have wanted to go away too, but i will never understand why he chose to leave me and my brother there alone. I have experienced many many things and I have always tried to protect my brother who is 2.5 years younger than me, and I am happy he is growing up in a different way than me.
The scariest thing was when I was in my bedroom and I could smell the Tabaco and alcohol from downstairs, i knew what was going on down there, and was so scared she was going to come upstairs. Which she did sometimes. But mostly I was scared she was going to kill herself. She would often not come home, and leave me and my brother alone at night. I remember one time when i was 10 or younger my mom didn’t come home and I didn’t know what to do, so I ran outside through my street to my neighbors asking for help. I was so scared. Things like that happened often, she would berate me, belittle me, and sometimes hit me, or grab my body and clench me until it hurts. Then I got SA’d by my nephew and she told me it was my fault and that I liked it and never spoke to me again about it. When I fell into an eating disorder at 16 she told me I wasn’t her daughter anymore.
I had to move out at 18 for my own safety and have been a shell of a girl since. I try, i really do, I laugh, dance, drink, make friends, have sex, have fun, work hard, study my ass off. But when I am alone I just feel like I am still stuck in my bedroom, the walls closing in on me, and the smell of Tabaco shoved down my throat. It kills me, I don’t know how to describe it but my head and stomach starts hurting, I can’t cry but the feeling of panic won’t go away.
Before anyone tells me, i’m trying, i have recently started seeing a therapist, and i am sure she will help me. She diagnosed me with PTSS and anxiety, but I am scared what she will say when I tell her the whole truth. That when I am not distracting myself by devouring myself in books, or working, I am tired.
Just tired, tired of feeling this way, tired of everything. And I just want to sleep and go away, fade in to nothingness, I just want peace.
My mom told me I was an accident, that she went to a abortion clinic before she went to the doctor when she saw she was pregnant. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish she aborted me.
I feel like I am drowning, and I am starting to think that sinking is more peaceful than trying to stay afloat
Tough stuff. But, your Mum says you were an accident: maybe it was destiny!
Yeah maybe! Thank you for the response 🙂
Roo, I identify with much of what you wrote, all except the SA, which I was lucky enough to not experience. But, the neglect, the abuse, the childhood lost to too much responsibility for siblings, the grinding fear just hearing her car approaching the house, I lived through all that and made an attempt at 14. My mother told me I was an accident, too, but she didn’t try to abort me. I was 16 when she told me; it made sense of why she always seemed to hate me, but I really did NOT need to hear that at that age. I’m much, much older now and have gone through therapy for years. It’s hard to see that at your age, and I probably would not have believed it then, either, but it does get better. I feel that I’ll never be totally “normal,” and that her hateful voice will always be a part of me, but I’ve lead a good and productive life by educating myself. I’m retired now and living in a sweet little house with a man who loves me. It’s not perfect but my life is so, so much better than I would have imagined as that 14-year old who just wanted to sleep forever. Bottom line, I guess, is don’t give up. Surviving, achieving, love, beauty and life itself are well worth the struggle. You are getting help and you are stronger than you know.
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your story, it does help a lot seeing how I’m not alone and that there is a life out there that I can still achieve! I hope you are doing good seeing how you were reading this article too <3
I’ll keep your words in mind for ever, you really don’t know how much it means! Hopefully you and your husband have a nice life in your little house (I picture like a cute cottage with frames all over the house and the best smell of baked cake coming from the kitchen ????)
With kind regards – Roo
That hope box is empty for many. Do you think this is a game for us?? Why don’t we sign up for a palates class while we’re at it? That will take thoughts of death and make them vanish. You’re paid for this drivel?
Alan,
I’m sorry the article isn’t useful to you. The hope box isn’t intended as a game at all; it’s part of an evidence-based treatment described at length in the book Cognitive Therapy for Suicide Prevention. But, as your comment makes clear, what’s effective for some definitely isn’t effective for all.
You asked, “You’re paid for this drivel?” I suspect your question was purely rhetorical, but I do want to clarify that I don’t receive any compensation for writing these posts or maintaining this site. Regardless, your discontent and anger with my words are clear, and I hope you’re able to find other resources that are helpful to you.
Thanks for sharing here.