“I’m a burden. They’ll be better off without me.”
“They’ll get over it.”
“Nobody will care that I’m gone.”
“I’m worthless.”
Do you tell yourself any of these things? Many people who think of suicide do. In fact, a leading expert in suicide research, Thomas Joiner, PhD, writes that seeing yourself as a burden to others is a necessary condition for suicide to occur.
These sorts of statements almost always are lies of the mind. Depression can trick you into believing them, and so can stress, shame, despair, self-hatred, and other feelings that can cause irrational thoughts. Distorted thoughts. Thoughts that simply are not true – like that somebody who loves you will not care if you kill yourself or will easily get over it.
I do not say this to cause guilt or to convince you to stick around purely for the sake of other people. I don’t think suicide is selfish or judge people who die by suicide, even if their death hurts others.
Rather, I say this to point out that what you tell yourself – what suicide tells you when it beckons – may well be false.
Challenging the Lies of the Suicidal Mind
The question is, if you think your death would matter little to others — or even help them — do you pay attention to the other side of possibility? Ask yourself these questions:
- Is it possible that you’re wrong when you think people would be better off if you end your life?
- Could depression, stress, or other conditions that can distort thinking be deceiving you?
- What would you say to somebody you love who wanted to die by suicide and thought others wouldn’t care if they died?
Is Living for Other People Enough?
It might not matter. Even if you recognize that others would be hurt by your suicide, you might still feel that you can’t stay alive just for others’ sake. You might feel that your life isn’t worth living.
If that’s how you feel, I hope for your own sake – not necessarily for others’ – you’ll consider that other ways exist to feel relief from pain, rediscover hope, find meaning and purpose in life, or experience other changes that will help you stay alive — and want to.
For Those Who Think, with Guilt, of Those They’d Leave Behind
Unlike people who feel that nobody cares if they live or die, you might be all too aware of how your suicide would devastate your family and friends. And then you may feel all the worse for considering suicide as an option. But still suicide beckons, whether you want it to or not.
This is the nature of suicidal thoughts – the thoughts cannot be turned off through sheer will. So, please, try not to blame yourself for the suicidal thoughts that come to you. Please try to have compassion for yourself, to recognize that we’re programmed to avoid pain, and your mind is operating from that programming.
At the same time, please keep in mind that you need not believe everything you think.
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© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
I think suicide can be a valid solution, but have to make it look like an accident. I haven’t worked for 30 years due to a work accident. Lived with chronic pain, 1/2 poverty level wages. Caregiver to my parents until they died. Friends died. Family home sold. Dog died. Was taken in by a family member 2500 miles away who got married & now has a life without me. Town I’m in is famous for its social “freeze”. People are friendly but don’t want to be friends. Meetup groups are 1/3 of my age. Looked up therapy in my Medicaid plan. If you have opioid addiction, LGBTQ issues, a Vet with PTSD, schizophrenia, fine. Otherwise, forget it New chronic condition is turning my hands into claws, surgery unsuccessful. See? There’s really nothing good here.
Sam,
I’m sorry that you are hurting and going through so much. Please know that people out here DO care, despite the unfortunate ‘social freeze’ you describe. And please know that there are therapy options out there. I know from experience that it can take some time and effort to find a good therapist who’s in your plan and who you will partner well with…but they are out there, and they truly can help. Please know that your options are wider, and better, than what you see and feel in this clearly difficult and sad time. And please know that people care and do not want you to hurt yourself. Your life is valuable, and you matter, and there IS hope, even when it’s so difficult to see and feel it. Please take care, Sam, and keep going – one day, one foot in front of the other…
Ah, the old “people out here who care” fallback. Who are these “people who care” and where is “out here”?
It’s a clichéd comment used when you really have nothing to say that can be remotely helpful because life just, well, sucks!
Good news, no no good news. My situation is completely different, but I feel the same, I have evey opportunity, but it doesn’t make a difference, I am am here out of obligation, my contribution would be missed but not me if I were gone, but I’m not gone, obligations.
I don’t know, of course, exactly what you are going through. I cannot judge your words, thoughts, or feelings. I can say, with deep confidence, that YOU would be missed, not simply your contributions. We as humans often do a really crappy job of saying how we feel and of telling the people we care about how important they are. But I believe that people do feel that way about you. I don’t know you at all, but I care about you and what happens to you. If you were gone, the world would be less, and I – and everybody else- would feel that somehow and in some way. I hope that things get better for you. Please reach out and let others – professional and not – help you. There ARE people out there who want to help.
Take care.
I am syafa’at I am 19 years old, I am depressed because my mother is always pressured, I have no friends to share the sadness I feel, I want to end my life
Syafa’at,
I am so sorry to hear how much you are hurting. My son, who’s just a few years older than you, went through a very dark and dangerous time, when he thought he wanted to end his life. I am thankful every day that he chose not to. I know he would say the same thing.
I am sorry you feel such stress and pressure. I am sorry you are so sad. I promise you, though: There ARE people out there who care and who will listen. Friends, family, a good therapist, even this online community. You are never truly alone. Please try to hope and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep going. Things can get better – SO MUCH better. I have seen it with my own eyes. It can take time, and a lot of work, but please don’t give up.
I am 15 year old girl who lost her mother at 4 years old during October and then lost my mother’s mom and family friends that were close. Even when I tried to end it, I told my family because I was scared when I overdosed on my medicine. But now I feel like doing it again because I have to pretend to be okay but I’m not. I have nothing to look forward to because no one wants a overweight girl to bother them.
Kjersti,
Thanks for sharing here. I’m sorry about all the losses you’ve experienced. Right now I believe your mind is telling you things that aren’t true, like that nobody wants to be bothered by someone who’s overweight and that you must pretend to be OK. Don’t believe everything you think! The mind lies, for whatever reason, especially when depression or anxiety is involved.
I hope you will let somebody know that you’re hurting, that you’re having suicidal thoughts, and that you need help. It’s possible to feel better, even if that’s impossible to see right now. Please take care.
The man I thought I was going to marry doesnt want me anymore, my parents keep using satire to control my emotions, and revisit my childhood traumas. I have severe anxiety, depression & i cant even care for myself and my children. My family all humiliates me regularly, no one person i have talked to lately will even make eye contact with me. I keep begging God to tell me what this is? What is this teaching me? Because honestly at this point iam a problem, iam a nusisance, and i will be relieving people if im gone. The only person who will truly miss me is my little boy. I honestly think i would do him a justice too. He sees me cry everyday and i cant even parent him correctly anymore. My pain can be seen in my face i dont wanna do this anymore. I dont wanna hurt, i dont wanna hurt anyone and i dont know any other solution.
Jamie,
I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I can’t claim to know exactly what you are going through, but I do recognize and understand many of the feelings you describe: in my own life and in the experience of my son, who went through a long period of trauma, depression , and serious thoughts of suicide. He is so much better now, and I am thankful beyond words that he didn’t go through with it. At the time, in the dark depths of his pain, he genuinely believed that he didn’t deserve to live, that we would be better off without him…exactly what you are feeling and saying. None of those awful thoughts were true in his case, and I deeply believe that they aren’t true in your case either. But I know the pain can be terrible. He still has effects from trauma and has much that he carries and sometimes really struggles with. But he is alive, and generally healthy, and much, much happier. Meds, and therapy, and lots of hard work and love and support. None of it is close to easy, but it is so worth it. It truly, honestly can get better. Thoughts, prayers, and love. Please know you’re not alone, and please hope and fight: for you, for your little boy who loves and needs you, for all who need and love you, whether you see it or not, and whether they express it well or not…
I wouldn’t leave anyone behind no one cares about me I should die it’s not like anyone would care because they wouldn’t I’ve been used cheated on and left to die
Jeremy,
I don’t know your full story, and I don’t want to minimize the pain you are clearly in. I am truly sorry that you are hurting so badly. For whatever it’s worth, just know that there are people out here who care, who do not want you to hurt yourself, and who do feel a human connection to you, whether we know you personally or not. I do genuinely believe that we are all connected, and the loss of you would be a loss for all of us. Take care.
Ok, I have a comment. I am 59 and disabled with unrealistic neuropathy, unacceptable, impossible nerve damage. I have had bone disease from day one. Diagnosis severe at age 35. Became unbearable 3 years ago. Imagine sticking your hand in a breaker box in your home, and getting a continuous jolt.. Torture. Couple with fibromyalgia and a host of other things.
Now, the emotional part. Losing your spouse of 26 years, and them dying ALL at once at Christmas, CHRISTMAS of ALL times. And letting them down in the MOST unimaginable ways. Doing absolute unforgiveable things to the ONLY person on the planet that ever gave a crap about your miserable butt in the first place. Now, this is sadly all true. So I challenge anyone to come up with any good reason for me to go on breathing perfectly good air. I hurt physically and emotionally in ways that are totally unacceptable. Death with dignity comes to mind. Anyone?
Jack,
I’m so sorry that you are hurting so badly. I wish I could offer some relief. I guess all that I CAN offer is some truths that I believe:
I hear you.
I am genuinely sorry for your terrible pain.
I believe that things actually and truly can get better (they did for my son, who went through a long and dark suicidal period).
I hope and pray that things do get better for you.
I hope that you stick around.
We are all connected.
You are loved, whether or not you feel that in this moment and place.
Take care.
Continue reaching out…
I can’t see how anyone would benefit from me continuing to live. I screw up everything I try to do. I’m always messing up and I never can seem to get anything right or do anything good. I’m a disappointment to everyone, so why not take myself out of the equation?
MC,
I don’t know you, so I cannot claim to know what you’re going through. I am not a professional, so I cannot give scientifically-sound advice. What I can say is that I hear what you are saying, I am truly sorry that you are feeling this way, and I don’t want you to hurt yourself. Please know that you are not ever truly alone and that there are people out here – whether you see them or not, know them or not – who do care about you, who are rooting for you, and who would be affected if you hurt yourself. We are all connected, whether we see and feel those connections or not. Please take care.
I think I just want out. I’m just not very good at life and I’m far enough along to reasonably conclude that will never change. I’m not under any delusion that my departure won’t cause great pain and sorrow. Still, I feel how I feel and that isnt going to change. Things may get better for some, but I dont think it will for me. I’m faced with two choices: live with this pain and despair and struggle, or opt out early with all the devastating ramifications that entails. Rock & a hard place, indeed.
I’m truly sorry you are hurting so much. Please know that there are people out here who care. My oldest son was very seriously suicidal for a long while but has gotten to a much healthier and happier place. It was incredibly hard for him to get there, and things are still often very hard and sad. But I am thankful every day that he is still here. I hope very deeply that you find the strength/faith/hope/determination/whatever you need to hold on and to move forward. Love and peace.
I’m sorry you’re feeling so much despair, but this isn’t just a question for you, but for everyone who is feeling suicidal. Why do you think death will solve the problems of your life? I’m really curious. I am not really religious, maybe somewhat spiritual so this isn’t a religious question and I’m in no way trying to shame or scare anyone. I’m legitimately curious about the way your mind is thinking. What do you think will happen? Everything just stops, or you go to some version of heaven? Or get reincarnated? I guess I just don’t understand why you think death would be any better than life? Can someone explain why you feel death is the solution over therapy or anything else on earth? Also can you explain some of the things you have tried to make yourself feel better or what have you tried in order to change your thoughts to more positive that didn’t work?
I guess it’s a big cry for help , when you feel so much pain, loneliness, you’re not thinking what happens after you do it, I’m just thinking let this pain and suffering end now .
But your comment has made me think actually.
What does happen …. so thank you .
I am religious and I do believe in god and heaven, and I hope god has a plan for the rest of my life like it’s says in the bible
That is a good question. My only answer would be simple relief. I am boxed in by this life and the role within it which I play. My favorite moments in life are the ones in which my Consciousness leaves this pathetic little framework of identification. Normally I reach this state when I am sleeping therefore I wish to prolong this state and just not wake from it I suppose.
Ok, I get that, but what have you tried in this life for relief? Also, thank you for answer and honesty.
You know, a lot of people who are taking about killing themselves here are pretty selfish. “No one cares” , “no one loves me”, “no one would even notice”, “my bills”, “my guilt”, “my loneliness”, on and on and on. Even if you had these things, then what?
Have lived without bills, with friends, with caring family and aspirational life goals. Have also lived without friends, with family hating me, with constant fear of eviction, and without the ability to pursue self betterment.
And ii still want to die. My family would be upset? So what? They’d get over it or die themselves in the next few years. My friends would be upset? Okay, cool, good for them and their progressing lives. My spouse would be upset? Yeah, and then they’d get over it or die. Who honestly cares? My pets would either be cared for or able to survive without me, no kids, and everyone else would be fine.
Seriously, if ii don’t care now, ii didn’t care before, what makes anyone think these ‘try therapy’ articles or ‘it’ll get better’ comments will make anyone care in the future?
Ii’m probably the most selfish here, but ii don’t care anymore. How about instead of individual miserable people slowly gripping with whether or not they have the guts to off themselves, we just go back to killing each other. We’re really good at it now, we could get rid of almost everyone in a few days.
At least then things would be interesting.
I just constantly feel like a burden. I don’t have a job (never have. I have pretty bad anxiety and misophonia and if not the anxiety, the misophonia will make working with others hard), everyone around me pays for everything for me, I feel like the medical problems I have will just continue to grow and I’ll just cost too much, even with insurance, I can’t drive myself anywhere so everyone has to drive me and they’ve literally told me they hate it (I don’t have a license, the anxiety plays a HUGE role in this. I’ve driven around with people, but it’s done nothing but stress me out). I just feel like I’ll always be a burden, no matter what. Even on good days I feel that way. I haven’t acted on it specifically because of my dog. When my mom moves out of her current home and gives it to my sister, she’s leaving the pets and my sister refuses to keep him. I feel like if I left, he wouldn’t get to be happy. I’m sure that sounds stupid, but my dog means everything to me, he’s pulled me out of stuff like this before, but I don’t get to see him much since I moved.
To your question of “what do you think will happen?” I don’t really care. I just know the people around me won’t have to deal with me anymore.
Some things I’ve tried to make myself feel better:
I’ve tried to “eat right and exercise” but that’s done nothing. It’s never made me feel better. I’ve been to therapy. It helped a little, but maybe I just had bad therapists. I’ve talked to friends before and all that does is let someone else know the surface of how I’m feeling. Nothing seems to really help.
I know what you are talking about when you say you feel like a burden I have struggled with that thought for sometime and I understand were you are coming from I was born with a spinal disability and don’t get me wrong God has blessed me in many ways I have been able to live a fairly normal life until a little over a year ago I got to where it has been hard to walk with lots of foot pain wasn’t sure I wasn’t going to have to start using a wheelchair, however; I was able to get special shoe pads to help with the foot pain. Yet, during that time I had to rely on my sister around the house and at my job I just felt like such a burden. Though God has really helped me physically and emotionally please know your not alone God is right there holding our hands through it all. He is our hope and strength when we are weak just rely on him.
It’s not about solving problems. Most of my days are suicidal ambivalence. If I die, so be it. But some days are like being thrown into a dark, bottomless pit. The pain I feel in my chest takes literally my breathe away. I just want the pain to stop. I just want to wake up and feel at peace. I’m not thinking logically about solving any problems. I’m too consumed with the visceral emotion of pain to think logically.
I want to die because unlike you, my life holds no meaning. I have no shoulder to cry on when I’m sad or when I feel worthless. I am simply not enough, I never have been, and I never will be. I have tried counseling, asking for help, and nothing has stopped it. Do you know what it’s like to live every day with nothing to look forward to? Feeling unloved and unwanted 25/8? I want to die because there are no outlets, there is no quick fix, I can’t watch a you tube tutorial and be okay. I don’t know what happens better, but it has to be better than this endless cycle of tears and pain.
Throughout my life. I can never, ever be able to keep a steady job. 3 times i quit my job and i have no where to go. My wife supported me. But she never ever made me forget about this fact. Every time. Now i have 2 kids. And i am jobless again. And she is at it again. I feel so so hopeless. I am no good at my job. Stuck. So unhappy. I feel like a useless person hanging out at home. And she always reminds me of this fact. I couldn’t find a job. I dont even know what i want in life. The rental. The bills are due again. i’ve been thinking of dying for the past few years. But my children push me to live. Now, without a job, without the skills to do what i thought i know how to do, made me useless. I do not want to be a burden to my family. I do not want to be looked down by my family and friends. I do not want to be me.
Do a job , I’m in a job I’m that wouldn’t be my first choice , stick with a job pay your bills , with a job you could pay to study at night for something you want to do .
Sounds like you are feeling sorry for yourself
Stick with a job , and your kids out bring your wife out then everyone is happy
What do you say to your wife when you feel she is saying hurtful things? Also, If the situation was reversed what would you say to your wife? Like if it was her that was going through jobs and you were working all the time? Is there a job you think you’d be more interested in?