“I’m a burden. They’ll be better off without me.”
“They’ll get over it.”
“Nobody will care that I’m gone.”
“I’m worthless.”
Do you tell yourself any of these things? Many people who think of suicide do. In fact, a leading expert in suicide research, Thomas Joiner, PhD, writes that seeing yourself as a burden to others is a necessary condition for suicide to occur.
These sorts of statements almost always are lies of the mind. Depression can trick you into believing them, and so can stress, shame, despair, self-hatred, and other feelings that can cause irrational thoughts. Distorted thoughts. Thoughts that simply are not true – like that somebody who loves you will not care if you kill yourself or will easily get over it.
I do not say this to cause guilt or to convince you to stick around purely for the sake of other people. I don’t think suicide is selfish or judge people who die by suicide, even if their death hurts others.
Rather, I say this to point out that what you tell yourself – what suicide tells you when it beckons – may well be false.
Challenging the Lies of the Suicidal Mind
The question is, if you think your death would matter little to others — or even help them — do you pay attention to the other side of possibility? Ask yourself these questions:
- Is it possible that you’re wrong when you think people would be better off if you end your life?
- Could depression, stress, or other conditions that can distort thinking be deceiving you?
- What would you say to somebody you love who wanted to die by suicide and thought others wouldn’t care if they died?
Is Living for Other People Enough?
It might not matter. Even if you recognize that others would be hurt by your suicide, you might still feel that you can’t stay alive just for others’ sake. You might feel that your life isn’t worth living.
If that’s how you feel, I hope for your own sake – not necessarily for others’ – you’ll consider that other ways exist to feel relief from pain, rediscover hope, find meaning and purpose in life, or experience other changes that will help you stay alive — and want to.
For Those Who Think, with Guilt, of Those They’d Leave Behind
Unlike people who feel that nobody cares if they live or die, you might be all too aware of how your suicide would devastate your family and friends. And then you may feel all the worse for considering suicide as an option. But still suicide beckons, whether you want it to or not.
This is the nature of suicidal thoughts – the thoughts cannot be turned off through sheer will. So, please, try not to blame yourself for the suicidal thoughts that come to you. Please try to have compassion for yourself, to recognize that we’re programmed to avoid pain, and your mind is operating from that programming.
At the same time, please keep in mind that you need not believe everything you think.
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© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
if i commit suicide who will care? im the middle child and the least loved. no one loves me my parents look down to me ‘i am their worst mistake’ i have no friends, they stabbed me in the back. who do i have?i may as well end my own suffering. no one is here to help me. i hate my life.
What will happen when you end it , where will you go forever , Its a scary thought isn’t.
You sound young , you don’t know what tomorrow will bring or what next week will bring , you might meet someone who adores you you might get married, have children of your own .
My life is a struggle, and very lonely , but I’m just to scared to do it .
For me I’m not so young and don’t have much going for me but got to hang on in there someday it will be all over
My husband completed suicide on February 12th., 2019. He struggled with a long battle with mental illness and loss. The thing is that day when he shot himself he killed me as well. He killed the future I planned. He killed my best friend. The one that would get me through this loss.
He killed himself because he’d invested everything we had in a business that failed, leaving us facing bankruptcy, serious IRS debt and a lot of money owe to my family. His death has left all of the problems on me to deal with only now I have to deal with them alone.
My life insurance would make all of these things right and I just dont have any reason not to chose an infinitely less painful option – other than the impact it leaves on my parents and kids. I guess that’s the only downside.
I will discuss my choice if I do elect to complete a suicide so that they understand why and can deal with it in a healthy way. They all have people who can support them through the loss, I simply dont, he’s dead.
You can’t do this to your kids it’s that simple , 2 parents to die to suicide , do you want your kids to commit suicide when they get older because there parents did , well that’s what will happen
Get a grip of yourself and look after your kids now they need you.
Listen to joyce meyer youtube the cure for insecure
It’s not so much about other people getting hurt, because there is really none to hurt. My mom would be the only one. My wife left me not long after i professed to preach a few months later she told my daughter a bunch of bunk that caused her to not talk to me anymore. I became disabled about 10 yrs. ago. All my friends that had been life long abandoned me when i became a cop, the very few that were left deserted me when i professed to preach. Now im disabled ,alone, and cant work. Theres nothing left, my want to is all gone, besides, i couldnt do it anyway. My mom loves me, but doesnt understand the pain and lonliness all this has caused. If i could work things wouldnt be so bad. I”ve always had a strong will, but this has taken a real toll on me.
I tried a mental health program a few months ago, in house so called treatment, all i got was my meds for my disability taken away which made bad matters worse, no kind of tratment except bad.
No where and no one to turn to. So if it wasnt for my beleif in Gods holy word, i would have already done it.
I feel im in a prison, with no way out.
So what know?
Ive tried depression meds of all kinds, they just made matters worse. No matter what happens, i’ll always know i’m alone and useless, just taking up space. I just turned 54′ and however many yrs i’ve got, i see no future. All is lost, with no way to regain anything. I haven’t laughed in three yrs. I can’t even remember how it feels. I dont won’t pity from anyone, just a way out of this, but i’m afraid there is none. On top of all this i’m broke and in debt. There is no hope anywhere.
Hi Marty, I’m glad you will preach! There are many souls who need to hear about Jesus Christ through you. Since God called you to preach it is true there are specific people who will respond to you. God knows what He’s doing, He’s smarter than anyone, so when He called you preach He knew specific people who would respond to you. You have worth, great worth, you have purpose important purpose. You are loved and needed. The devil is the one who would love to see you fail to reach those God is sending you to. Jesus sent the devil & evil spirits packing, you can too! Just say GO! InJesus name. My email is Pinkybwain@yahoo.com I’m praying for you. Love, Orri
I am alone. A male. 52. Never made any friends as suffer from asthma, overweight slightly, and I sweat from my head after merely walking or being in social circumstances: hyper hydrosis. Allergic to all cures. I am straight. Women seem to detest me. I am 5 ft 8 in, a bit plump, but I have a symmetrical face and greying hair. I am intellectually gifted MSc Science and History, but jobless after made redundant.
I am an only child. All my life I had to look after my parents who are still alive in their 90s. As a full time carer I am unable to go on holiday. I have never had a holiday since the age of 7. Caring for my mum and dad has prevented me from going out to meet women all my life. I never socialise.
I had to study from home to get my degrees. I worked from home for 13 years. But then the company was put out of business by poor management. So I have no outlet any more for my skills.
When I was growing up we moved many times, were even homeless for a few weeks. Each school I attended I was the new one, always being bullied by bigger kids as the ‘new kid’. I learned that humans were always cruel and uncaring if given the opportunity to do so against a weaker target, especially one that has asthma and sweats a lot.
No one has ever cared for me, even though I have always been kind to people I meet.
No one has ever held my hand, kissed me or told me they love me. I cannot even have a pet as a friend as allergic to cats and dogs, as if the universe wanted me to me be totally alone.
I am isolated, alone, caring for my parents until they die. No money. No job. No future.
Yet I have no suicidal thoughts because that might upset the people who found me.
I want to die alone friendless, unloved, and most of all forgotten….because that way no one will suffer the pain of grief, or cry a tear of sorrow. There is enough sorrow in this world without me adding to it.
The human story is a sad one. Don’t make it sadder. Strengthen your mind. If no one likes you like no one likes me, don’t worry. That is the nature of the universe.
Now you have read this, remember only this. All of it is true.
Now you have understood it, forget that I ever existed. That way you won’t worry about me.
They say ‘no man is an island’. They are wrong. I am sure many humans are far more lonely and isolated than me. There are street beggars in India and Africa far worse off than me. I am lucky by comparison.
Call me lucky.
Hey jc. I can be a friend. Reply with your email if you would like to be pen pals?
I just found this site, Jc. Wanted to say hi and see how you are doing…
I understand being poor and how when you are depressed it’s a never ending cycle of trying to get through life, but not having the funds. It’s really unfair especially when it feels like you’re trying to be a good person and life is just rewarding people who are jerks and giving you a lot of negativity, but there are free text therapists you can use and suicide hotlines aren’t just for crisis. You can still call and talk to them. It’s not like you’d lose money talking to them and you may as well if it doesn’t cost anything and you feel so much pain.
Hello , your story is very sad , but you sound very strong.
You have your parents they love you so yes you are very lucky.
I’m thinking of suicide but I don’t think I’d really go through with it I’m too scared , I’m 45 , I have no one , my adult child is 30 and after having a great relanship until he turned 24 and met someone .
I’ve no other family or friends .I don’t think I’ll do it but I’m thinking I’ll just buy the rope just to have it in case I build up the courage to do it .I don’t really want to die I want to be happy but life has always been a bit stressful
Don’t know where I go from here
What is stressing you out about life? I would like to help you, but maybe if you shared or privately shared some of the stress could be allieviated. Do you think talking about it is worth a shot before killing yourself?
Thanks for noticing my post and I very much appreciate your response
As I said in my post I don’t think I would take my life , I’m too scared to do it but then I don’t know , I don’t think it’s normal to think of suicide a lot either .I’m just very sad and in a lot of emotional pain , I’m broken and think at this age it’s not repairable.
I’ll take it day by day and see how I go.
Thanks again
I’m sorry you are going through your depression, but it’s actually normal to think about suicide. Most people do at some point in their life, but try not to let your pain get the best of you. Why do you think you feel so broken. You’re not alone. What have you tried to counteract the depression. I think you need to figure out why you feel so broken and try to help yourself out of that. I know it’s hard, but I’m here if you need. Luckily, there are a lot of different things you can try to help with your sadness. Therapy or journaling or talking to others or getting a hobby or learning coping mechanisms, or getting a pet or positive apps or medication or watching inspirational videos. I know sometimes it feels like things won’t get better, but it might. You will be ok eventually and if you don’t feel like it’s possible keep posting because you deserve to feel better.
The only reason I’m still on earth is I don’t know what would happen to my dogs!! My family doesn’t care . My friends don’t care. My dogs care and when they die I will follow. My life doesn’t matter I tried so hard to do good to be a good person and for what? To not matter. So really I can’t imagine it hurting any one except my dogs. For them I live … one day we will die I will follow
Why do you think no one cares? How are you a burden?
I understand you completely. When my little dogs go, I will go too. They are my family, and bring me my joy and love…without them the world is a dark, cruel and empty place where I have struggled on for too long. When they entered my life my broken heart felt something again, and when they leave it, I will follow them into forever.
Who would really care… my reason for still being on earth is I don’t know what would happen to my dogs . They are my only reason to live . My family and friends don’t care about me I’m just a fleeting thought to them . No one asks me how I’m doing if I’m ok … I am the one to reach out
I can’t do it … my dogs that is it … love for my dogs
If people actually cared—-really cared—-they would not only listen, but do something. The truth is, the poor are too poor for anyone to care. Go see a psychiatrist? Would love to, have tried. They want money. I have none—everything I have goes to keeping me off the streets, and that is achieved with no gains . Oh you say that there are therapists for people who are poor? Not unless you are absolutely destitute. And by then, they are so mentally shattered by their experiences they can’t be helped any longer just sedated. What happens to me, what happens to those who can no longer work because of their mental illness? Can no longer pay for their upkeep by working as society expects? Truly these articles are only written for those who have money already. It is such a burden to have everything given to you—college education, new cars, money, healthcare, that they are so depressed because why? These wealth people that kill them selves amaze me, they could make so many peoples lives easier and better, might even give them a reason to live. Would certainly help others feel cared for and loved. The only reason they don’t want the poor to commit suicide is because they wouldn’t have a workforce living to make them happy while they worked their miserable lives away. It is a big game. The poor as losers—the rich deceiving them that they too could someday be happy and safe. Welfare is a joke. The only people who really gain from it are those who have no shame and will work the system. But they don’t gain their independence—they just create a new labor force to make others rich with their babies lives. If there was any justice, there would be a way for those of us hurting to end our lives with dignity and painlessly—which is far more than life ever gave us. And people would stop guilting us with their opinions on why we shouldn’t take our own lives, but aid us and have compassion on our pain. Or give us the safety of a secure place in our communities for which to rebuild ourselves. When we were part of a tribal or even extended family our lives mattered in our community. Now you walk the streets and see mothers camped at gas stations with shopping carts. Tent cities. Terrible crimes perpetrated against these people that no one cares about and they aren’t even allowed a place to use a restroom at times. If I had half the income I have seen others display I would help these people, give them shelter, education, access to good food, philosophy, and community. For myself, I am so scarred by my experiences in this Life I can no longer trust anyone even myself, daily I think of ending my pain in my head. I always talk myself out of it because yes I would hurt others, and also because I have no sure way of making sure I don’t wake up again. I have no recourse but to keep going until I can take the action I need to end my suffering. No one else can or will. I used to love people. Now my apathy, maybe even hatred is so strong I am overwhelmed. I am trapped in a nightmare. People destroy. People hurt . People are pretty evil actually. Especially the ones who have everything and look down on those they put there. I’ve come to the conclusion I must be too, after all, I happen to be one. I used to do good deeds, random acts of kindness. But now I see it really didn’t matter. The world is a hard uncaring universe of Darwinism. Maybe if society decided it was okay the depressed committed suicide the world would be a happier place. After all, depression is genetic right?
It sounds like you are overwhelmed by life. It can be overwhelming, but you’re not alone. I’m glad you shared so we know more about your life. It sounds like you are a good person that does care about others even if you are feeling resentful because you don’t feel
like they care about you as much, but even as a stranger, I can tell you that I care. I think with jobs and the stress of life we sometimes forget to acknowledge others especially the ones we already know care about us and take them for granted. I don’t know your exact situation, but I think you sound empathetic and you should be happy that you are. Every day you get through is an accomplishment. Don’t stoop down to the level of these rich, mean people you are talking about. You keep living your life being nice and eventually things will get better and even if they don’t, at least you can say you are still a good person in this messed up world.
If you have not been there, do not suppose you know anything beyond anecdotal things that have been told to you. You are young, and do not yet know what it is like to be a senior citizen in your seventies or eighties who have lost a spouse and are dealing with disabilities, and end of life issues, then perhaps you may have credibility with the elderly who are at the end of their rope. Too many therapists think they have all the answers for the elderly. Until they get there themselves, they don’t know shit.
My wife after 52 years of marriage died last winter, after ten days in hospital after a fall resulting in a brain injury, and we didn’t get even to say goodbye .
How is that for a cognitive distortion.
Anonymous,
I’m sorry about your wife’s death, which would be devastating under any circumstances, but especially so in the circumstances you describe. Grief is certainly not a cognitive distortion.
There are many therapists who specialize in helping older adults. Maybe you would feel more understood by them. There also might be support groups where you live that could help you. If you’re interested, you can also use one of the hotlines or other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I hope you will consider reaching out to someone about your grief, so that you’re not alone with this pain.
Mate I lost my wife a year ago and it’s the hardest thing ever , I don’t know you but please hang in there