“I’m a burden. They’ll be better off without me.”
“They’ll get over it.”
“Nobody will care that I’m gone.”
“I’m worthless.”
Do you tell yourself any of these things? Many people who think of suicide do. In fact, a leading expert in suicide research, Thomas Joiner, PhD, writes that seeing yourself as a burden to others is a necessary condition for suicide to occur.
These sorts of statements almost always are lies of the mind. Depression can trick you into believing them, and so can stress, shame, despair, self-hatred, and other feelings that can cause irrational thoughts. Distorted thoughts. Thoughts that simply are not true – like that somebody who loves you will not care if you kill yourself or will easily get over it.
I do not say this to cause guilt or to convince you to stick around purely for the sake of other people. I don’t think suicide is selfish or judge people who die by suicide, even if their death hurts others.
Rather, I say this to point out that what you tell yourself – what suicide tells you when it beckons – may well be false.
Challenging the Lies of the Suicidal Mind
The question is, if you think your death would matter little to others — or even help them — do you pay attention to the other side of possibility? Ask yourself these questions:
- Is it possible that you’re wrong when you think people would be better off if you end your life?
- Could depression, stress, or other conditions that can distort thinking be deceiving you?
- What would you say to somebody you love who wanted to die by suicide and thought others wouldn’t care if they died?
Is Living for Other People Enough?
It might not matter. Even if you recognize that others would be hurt by your suicide, you might still feel that you can’t stay alive just for others’ sake. You might feel that your life isn’t worth living.
If that’s how you feel, I hope for your own sake – not necessarily for others’ – you’ll consider that other ways exist to feel relief from pain, rediscover hope, find meaning and purpose in life, or experience other changes that will help you stay alive — and want to.
For Those Who Think, with Guilt, of Those They’d Leave Behind
Unlike people who feel that nobody cares if they live or die, you might be all too aware of how your suicide would devastate your family and friends. And then you may feel all the worse for considering suicide as an option. But still suicide beckons, whether you want it to or not.
This is the nature of suicidal thoughts – the thoughts cannot be turned off through sheer will. So, please, try not to blame yourself for the suicidal thoughts that come to you. Please try to have compassion for yourself, to recognize that we’re programmed to avoid pain, and your mind is operating from that programming.
At the same time, please keep in mind that you need not believe everything you think.
*
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
Of all the things I’ve done wrong. The one that haunts the most is my own existence.
I am depressed. I cry all of the time. I think suicide is the only way out of it. What if I were dead?
I think I’ll probably end myself before my 30th. No love from anyone, not even my family, in fact my family hates me. I’m kind of glad because no one will mourn for me, I will feel no guilt whatsoever.
Still here? I surely hope so. Though I do understand if you weren’t able to make it any longer. Either way, I hope you got the relief you were seeking.
When are you turning 30? Is there some reason you feel your family hates you? Is there something going on in your life that is making you feel such pain?
I’m 56.. no family left alive… I have no friends.. no woman wants me.. never had children.. I am completely alone. Nobody likes me.. I’m fat and ugly and a loser.. I barely make a living.. making 10$ an hour makes me just at poverty level. I live in a crappy roach infested apartment.. only thing I own is a 20 yr old car. I’m no good.. I lost everything I ever loved. I have serious health issues… I am losing my hearing with Meneire’s disease… I have Sciatica that causes me pain constantly.. 24 hrs a day I hurt… I have no money to see a specialist or to have test done to even find out what can be done. I’m a mess.. I hate my life.. I’m done.. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like this.. I know inside me I will kill myself soon. Nobody will miss me.. nobody will even know I’m dead until the apartment comes looking for the rent.
Hello, Frank. Your situation sounds very hard. The first thing I would suggest is call your local suicide prevention line, since you mentioned you wanted to find out what can be done. If you have access to a phone, a call is free. And if you’re going to be dead forever, what will a few minutes on the phone change?
I will care
Frank, I hope this message finds out. I’m in a bad place right now but having read your message, I can see that you’re in a worse place than me. Perhaps we can connect and talk? Please get in touch michael.horn21@hotmail.co.uk
I’m so sorry you feel so low, Frank.
I don’t think about the emotions of others when I consider ending my life. It’s my life and it’s my decision. There are a few people who think of themselves as friends and they would feel sad about it, I’m sure. But, they’d understand that ending my life is my choice. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to be alive but ending my life is me deciding that I don’t want to be anymore. I’m not ‘leaving anyone behind” and I’m not affecting the lives of others by killing myself. I don’t owe anyone anything. Having the respect and caring of others is no reason to live or to die. You have to have self respect and base your decisions on what you think is right.
I have the most beautiful baby girl. She’s my soul. Her father is terrible to me. It’s never going to end. She’s only 7mo old! He won’t speak to me-he plays games of being nice then mean. I don’t feel like things are ever going to change. I can’t coparent with this man. I am in a bad place of not seeing an end in sight and my life is going to suck as long as I have to share my life with this man. I love my daughter more than anything. I love her more than my own life. She deserves better than me and this. I want to give up. I hate myself for loving this man ever, I hate myself for giving life to this beautiful little girl and wanting to leave her. I just see no way out or end. I can’t see any light.
I’m 45 my life ended when I was 12 that’s when all the abused started. Then came all the medications to fix problems I never asked for. Then broken marriages to more abusers. Now on top of it all I’m disabled I live with my mother that works to care for me. She will never retire because of me. I do nothing but cry I want all the physical and mental pain to end. My disability is life Long just not terminal. I’m almost too exhausted to breath anymore.
i feel stuck, alone in my life. i don’t go to college, i have a dead end job at only 17. my parents are divorced and i don’t get on with the step parents so i stay in my room. my parents aren’t proud of me and they pretty much tell me when they see me, “lazy” they say ” get yourself together” they say. i don’t have any friends and i don’t leave the house. i dont really eat and i’ve been getting thoughts that maybe i’m not supposed to be for this world. i feel like a burden and i can’t tell anyone because of my anxiety.
Rebecca,
You have to realise that the only person that you can rely on is yourself. Other people will give you warm words and advice, but in the end you have to look after yourself.
Tough love maybe, but get on with your life. Nobody else is going to live it for you, so set yourself achievable goals, and get on with it. Fuck everybody else.
Im just so alone. I can’t do anything right, I’m just a nobody with a crapy life. If I left I know it would hurt my family but I still think I should do it. I’m lost and I don’t know what to do. I’m ready to give up, walk away and hope that they will forget me.
This argument doesn’t apply to some. I, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, have no meaningful relationships. No one would miss me if I disappeared or killed myself. My boss, neighbors, and sister would notice my death, but no one would care. My existence matters to no one but me. I have to decide that my life matters TO ME, not to anyone else. It would be nice if others cared for me, but they don’t. That doesn’t affect the value I place on my life. That is entirely up to me.
Matt, what is causing you so much depression that you are feeling this low?
I don’t feel “low”. I’m just describing my life. I’ve had good friends in the past but they’re gone now. I have to come up with my own reasons for living and , for now, other people aren’t one of those reasons. Thanks for your concern, Bernadette.
I’m sorry that you are feeling this way in life. I lost my best friend to suicide and I often wonder if he thought anyone would care or if he just thought he was a burden. Even if you don’t actually have anyone it doesn’t mean things won’t get better. Have you tried getting professional help?
Matt, you should be proud of yourself for finding reasons for life. I know that it’s hard to do when you don’t want to, but if you need to talk I’m here. I do care and I understand that Life is hard, but I think you will get through it and be stronger for it.