“I’m a burden. They’ll be better off without me.”
“They’ll get over it.”
“Nobody will care that I’m gone.”
“I’m worthless.”
Do you tell yourself any of these things? Many people who think of suicide do. In fact, a leading expert in suicide research, Thomas Joiner, PhD, writes that seeing yourself as a burden to others is a necessary condition for suicide to occur.
These sorts of statements almost always are lies of the mind. Depression can trick you into believing them, and so can stress, shame, despair, self-hatred, and other feelings that can cause irrational thoughts. Distorted thoughts. Thoughts that simply are not true – like that somebody who loves you will not care if you kill yourself or will easily get over it.
I do not say this to cause guilt or to convince you to stick around purely for the sake of other people. I don’t think suicide is selfish or judge people who die by suicide, even if their death hurts others.
Rather, I say this to point out that what you tell yourself – what suicide tells you when it beckons – may well be false.
Challenging the Lies of the Suicidal Mind
The question is, if you think your death would matter little to others — or even help them — do you pay attention to the other side of possibility? Ask yourself these questions:
- Is it possible that you’re wrong when you think people would be better off if you end your life?
- Could depression, stress, or other conditions that can distort thinking be deceiving you?
- What would you say to somebody you love who wanted to die by suicide and thought others wouldn’t care if they died?
Is Living for Other People Enough?
It might not matter. Even if you recognize that others would be hurt by your suicide, you might still feel that you can’t stay alive just for others’ sake. You might feel that your life isn’t worth living.
If that’s how you feel, I hope for your own sake – not necessarily for others’ – you’ll consider that other ways exist to feel relief from pain, rediscover hope, find meaning and purpose in life, or experience other changes that will help you stay alive — and want to.
For Those Who Think, with Guilt, of Those They’d Leave Behind
Unlike people who feel that nobody cares if they live or die, you might be all too aware of how your suicide would devastate your family and friends. And then you may feel all the worse for considering suicide as an option. But still suicide beckons, whether you want it to or not.
This is the nature of suicidal thoughts – the thoughts cannot be turned off through sheer will. So, please, try not to blame yourself for the suicidal thoughts that come to you. Please try to have compassion for yourself, to recognize that we’re programmed to avoid pain, and your mind is operating from that programming.
At the same time, please keep in mind that you need not believe everything you think.
*
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
I have called 988. But I never feel better. I am so scared everyday. Of the world, of people. I have a lower IQ than others and do not understand what to do for life. Somedays the worry, fear and depression are so thick. I feel like someone has their hands on my throat. I just do not have any hope.
I’m sorry you are feeling this way. It must be awful. I will be thinking about you and praying for you. I hope today is at least a little better…
I tried to get a social worker, but they will not give me one.
Hi Lily I am in the same boat as you. I do not trust 988 because they made my life worst. They called police to check on me and this has left me with more trauma. Every day I wish I never wake up.
Zuzu and Lily,
I am so sorry. It must be horrible to feel that way. I hope and pray that things get better.
Zuzu,
I am hoping one day it will. I do not know why I still fight. But something in me just keeps going.
Rob, thank you.
Lily,
Your words are so powerful — so raw, so vulnerable. Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed, especially these days when so many major changes and catastrophes litter the news. Life is overwhelming to many people, even those with high IQs.
If 988 hasn’t helped you feel better, I hope you’ll keep searching for the right fit. It’s possible it could be another 988 counselor, as each is different. I list other places to get help on the Resources page.
One more thing I’ll say: As a writer, I envy your ability to so vividly convey what you’re feeling. Your words evoked the feelings in me that you were describing. That’s an exceptional gift as a writer. Do you write otherwise? You obviously have talent for it, and writing can be a great way to find meaning in painful experiences. Especially if you share it with others, as I’m certainly many people would relate. If you’re interested in writing a guest post here, please email me or leave a comment. (I’m behind on guest posts but hope to get up to speed soon.)
I hope things get better for you soon! Remember, even if hope feels out of reach, it doesn’t mean it’s gone.
Hope has no home left in my heart. Everyone has taken pieces of me. I am hollow and alone. There is no peace and all I wanted was peace. All I got was 2 roommates who wish me harm and a system that wants me dead. Maybe one day they will get their wish. I am so low that hell looks like heaven. I do not want to die, but I am so scared.
Knowing you’re nothing but a disappointment and that you’ve pretty well sabatoged your own life makes it pretty well certain that you’re the burden that annoying voice in the back of your head has always told you you are. You get used to it and you learn that isolation is like a cocoon.
Thank you for sharing this. I have been depressed and have had suicidal thoughts for several years. I hold on and hope for a better day but sadly better days just don’t seem to be coming. I would talk to a counselor, but that cost money and that’s not something I have a lot of. I have had a lot of medical problems And I’m already struggling to get by so paying to see someone to talk about my feelings seems rather silly. I feel like every choice I’ve ever made has been the wrong choice. Like I said, I have a lot of health problems, plus I was diagnosed with ADHD which Presents a lot of challenges academically, in my work, in life. I truly feel that I am a burden on people.
Adam,
I’m so sorry that you are going through all of this. It has to be awful. I wish I could offer something more tangible, but I offer my hope that you can continue to hold onto hope, and my prayers and wishes that things do get better. Rob
Lately I’ve contemplated suicide. My marriage is a false. I live just to work and be told I’m a cheater because I talk to other women because my wife just ignores me. I want to feel like someone cares about me but it’s just an illusion. Can’t even try to be happy anymore because I’ve got no reason to. Being lonely is so painful it’s hard to even explain. I can’t even talk about it to wife because she has all sorts of friends and laughs when I try to tell her how I feel. Really not much left to do. I cry myself to sleep alone since she won’t even share a bed with me anymore
Mike,
I’m sorry to hear how badly you’re hurting. I have felt that kind of loneliness, and it’s awful. I have also seen that it can get better. I really hope you experience that as well. Take care.
apparently i was born incurably toxic. i was taught early that i am to blame for everything that goes wrong even if im too dumb to understand the connection i was taught if i has any goodness in me at all to actively seek to limit my contact with others and to be grateful they tolerated my existence to make any necessary interactions brief before returning to staying silent out of sight and out of mind. i am a burden and painful to those i care about. i love them deeply but to interact with them means they are burdened, annoyed or in pain. i don’t know how to fix myself i try so hard to follow all the advice and learn better behaviors but in the end it all fails because sometimes when you fake it til you make it you never make it. i don’t know what to do i feel my presence is harming them but i also know my death would also be a burden im so selfish that i can’t have or accept what i am and the harder i try the more i want to be something else the worse i make things. idk what to do. i want to live and be normal and be able to add value to their lives but i truly believe that i dont and the greatest gift i can give is my absence idk what to do and i feel like no matter which way i go someone i love gets hurt because im too much of a coward to face what i am and too dumb to fix me. idk what to do my heart broke a long time ago how do i make sure i cant break others anymore ? how do i protect others from me?
Anonymous,
I’m so sorry for the terrible pain you’re going through. I hurt for you and with you. I hope and pray that you are able, ultimately, to move beyond the negative, but untrue, ideas hounding you (that you’re dumb, that you only hurt others, etc.). There are people out here who care. You have genuine value and worth. Please take care, and please continue reaching out…
apparently i was born incurably toxic. i was taught early that i am to blame for everything that goes wrong even if im too dumb to understand the connection i was taught if i has any goodness in me at all to actively seek to limit my contact with others anf to be grateful they tolerated my existence to make any necessary interactions brief before returning to staying silent out of sight and out if mind. i am a burden and painful to those i care about. i love them deeply but to interact with them means they are burdened, annoyed or in pain. i don’t know how to fix myself i try so hard to follow all the advice and learn better behaviors but in the end it all fails because sometimes when you fake it til you make it you never make it. i don’t know what to do i feel my presence is harming them but i also know my death would also be a burden im so selfish that i can’t fave or accept what i am and the harder i try the more i want to be something else the worse i make things. idk what to do. i want to live and be normal and be able to add value to their lives but i truly believe that i dont and the greatest gift i can give is my absence idk what to do and i feel like no matter which way i go someone i love gets hurt because im too much of a coward to face what i am and too dumb to fix me. idk what to do my heart broke a long time ago how do i make sure i cant break others anymore ? how do i protect others from me?
For me, it comes down to this;
40 years in Law Enforcement. Over 1100 death investigations (747 suicides). The blacks hate us, the dems hate us, the whole world seems against us.
While I don’t want to expose my family to suicide contagion, i’m at the bottom of my rope.
The fact, as I know it, is that only Jesus understands my pain. Why would I want to spread this pain. I’m well beyond the point of hoping that someone cares. My only goal is to end the pain and, if possible, survive.
Don,
I’ll be very honest: I’m not sure what to write, and I’m struggling. Because you’re right: I DON’T know your pain or understand your experience. I can’t imagine what all you’ve seen. And I hear you that you’re “past the point of hoping someone cares.”
All I can say is a few things that I truly and deeply believe…
· There ARE people who care. Already in your life, or out there with the ability to care and to help.
· I care. For whatever that’s worth.
· My son went through a serious and long suicidal period in his life. And I don’t know if he knew that we cared, or just how much we cared. But we DID. And I thank God every day that he is still with us and doing so much better (although he still has struggles and hardships, without question…)
I will pray for you today. I will think about you today and hurt for you and the pain you are feeling.
Please take care.
Rob
I am sorry that you feel this way. I am a nurse. Over the years, talking to other people has changed me. Some good but I am also losing hope in humanity. It has also taught me to be vulnerable. I didn’t make wise decisions in my youth and now I am paying for them in my middle adult years, and I don’t like it. For you, I hope you are still with us given that you wrote this a year ago. You are doing a job that I couldn’t do. I appreciate you! I am just a black, middle-aged woman that does not hate you! You are still a human being when you take your uniform off at the end of the day.
Hi, I am a mother of a nine year old. My parents have been in a toxic relationship and I have been struggling from what they passed on to me. Even though I am trying my best not to be like them, sometimes I can’t help it. I yell at my son. I truly believe he is better off without me. I don’t know about the world, but my son is better without me. I want to disappear.
Dear Anonymous,
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I do not know the details of your life, and I am certainly no expert or professional. But there are some things I truly believe…
* Your son will not be better off without you. He needs you.
* Your life has value.
* We all – for better and for worse -‘become’ our parents. I applaud you for being honest and willing to face this and to try and move away from the negative influences.
* No parent is perfect, or even close. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself.
Please reach out for whatever help you need. Please know that caring help is out there. Please know you are valued and loved. Please take care.
Rob
Rob,
Thank you for your kind words. Your comment definitely made me feel better about myself. I’m not sure what kind, but I will try to seek for help. Again, thank you for noticing my post and having cared enough to write to me.
The only thing that would keep me from killing myself would be:
Knowing that I was the love of someone’s life, and that he would be devistated if I died, provided I feel an attraction to him.
That is an improbability; no attractive guy that I’d want to marry has ever fallen for me (let alone looked at me twice), and I’m 44. There is a 0.00000000001% chance that this man even exists, and a lower probability that I’ll ever meet him.
I mean, I’ll probably die of touch deprivation related heart disease before I ever off myself, so no worries! I’m not “suicidal”!
Dear Anonymous,
I’m truly sorry that you’re hurting so much. I don’t know you or your situation, beyond your recent post, so I feel unqualified to speak to anything specific. But please know this: There are people out there who hear you, who hurt with you, and who care about you (and, yes, who don’t want you to hurt yourself). I hope that you have some moment(s) of joy today, that you feel better – even if in a small way, for a small moment. The small things are often, in reality, the big things. I’ll stop before I get too preachy. Just know that you matter, that you are beautiful and valuable, and that people DO care.
Please take care.
Rob
You say I should not believe my own thoughts, but instead I should believe other peoples thoughts???????
My thoughts, right or wrong are my thoughts.
That’s all CBT is….convincing people not to believe their own thoughs, but to believe some made-up thoughts that have nothing to do with what they are truely experiencing in their lives. And why do so many people tell you that killing yourself will hurt your family and friends? Maybe, and it could be true with many others, that I don’t have any family or friends that would be hurt. What then would you say to me to make me feel guilty for wanting to end my useless life?
g,
I’m not going to try and guilt you. Guilt is so often unproductive – and so often undeserved and, really, irrelevant. I’m going to try to avoid platitudes and easy answers. I know there often are no easy answers. I cannot claim to know what you’re going through, as that is your experience and not mine. But I do hurt for you, and I am sad and sorry that you are hurting so much. For whatever that’s worth. My oldest son went through a long and very dark suicidal period. I am thankful every day that he did not act on his darkest feelings and that he is still with us and doing so much better. I hope and pray that you can get to a safer and better place. In the meantime, please just know that there are people out here who care about you, who see value in you and your life, and who are rooting for you. Take care. Rob
Rob,
g said he has no family or friends. Why are you telling him that there are people who care? Who would these people be who do not know him or will never meet him?
Exactly how does telling g that there are total strangers in the world who care about him when they don’t even know he exists?
It puzzles me as to why people tell others that are hurting that people they will never know care about them?
Do you really think g is feeling better about himself that you care? Come on now, if he does end his life, you will never know one way or the other.
It’s a shame people like g are suffering, but don’t feed them unrealistic hope.
Maybe your just trying to make youself feel better?
You say you’re going to avoid platitudes and easy answers and what do you do instead? give platitudes and easy answers. what a joke!