“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
Im sorry i can’t find anywhere else to ask for help
Anonymous,
I hope you get help! I list a lot of free resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp , where you can get help by phone, text, chat or email. For starters, if you’re in North America, calling 988 for help is a good option.
I want to speak private to someone please, ive got no life, husband watches everything i do i cant even move to go to the toilet without being asked where im going
Amanda,
I don’t know if you also wrote the message stating you need help; in case you did, please see the comment that’s immediately below or above this one, too. Also, let me add: What you’re describing is abusive. It’s awful & I’m sorry you’re going through that. I recommend using the hotline or other free services offered by the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You can find the information here: https://www.thehotline.org
I have nothing left in my life. No family and No friends. I have multiple injuries to my spinal cord in my neck. Not caused by an accident as some would think. No my spinal cord damage is from the discs breaking open and cutting off circulation to the spinal cord which has resulted in damage. Have difficulty walking. Fine motor skills are nearly gone. And I am told it will only get worse, which it has been getting worse. I also have skin cancer and more than likely colon cancer too. I have no intention of fighting any of it. Why you ask? Because there is no future for me that isn’t continued misery. I think it’s working because I now have major fatigue. I am also shiver cold in an 82 F room, yet I have a normal body temp. I hope this is because my body is shutting down. Maybe I’m in the reapers eye now. When a person has nothing to live for, yet doctor who took an oath to do no harm force people to continue to live in misery. Who would my death affect when everyone in my life is already gone? When good meaning people force people to live when they have nothing to live for, they never look into the future this person may have. Sorry starting to have a hard time keeping my eyes open. Just writing this has exhausted me.
I would take any physical ailment over my brain damage. I can not sleep for two years. I lay in bed all day and all night. It is terrifying when your brain doesn’t work, head pressure like a vice 24/7. No one could help us. I beg God to let me die but my heart keeps beating. I can not smile and enjoy one minute of my life because of damage to the frontal cortex. I do not do anything , Nothing. I can barely wash myself. I shake and no doctor could help me. Just made me worse. I wish I had cancer so I could go quick. I don’t blame you for not getting treatment. I worked 38 years and can not enjoy one penny of my pension. I don’t know why God is letting me suffer so much. I just pace and pace all day from the bed to the kitchen and back. I am exhausted from suffering but I can not sleep due to the brain damage. At least you can escape with sleep. I would give anything to sleep and it is so terrifying to lie awake all night after maybe two hours of “sleep” by taking melatonin every night and trying and trying to sleep. I also have injury to my neck when I tried to strangle myself because of my suffering. I am worse now because of it. I have pressure on the top sides and back of my head.
I would give anything to be able to sleep. Nothing helps.
I am right there with you.my brain is damaged.my life sucks.i just wish I could heal.
I just don’t get it. All these recommendations. Church, meditation , exercising etc…. Haven’t worked. I’ve become more introverted and stuck to the house. Pitiful. I’ve quit smoking for over 2 months yet I see no difference. Anxiety and frustration get the better of me. I’ve left my hometown several times just to wimp out and come back. But I feel so bored and tired of this town. I’ve yet to seek therapy seeing that I’ve met other folks who have gone and really have not seen any difference in them. Nor have I taken anti depressants. I’ve tried the spiritual by seeking a sweat lodge and doing South American / Native American ceremonies but I still keep coming back to my same stupid and lame ways. Or so depression. It really sucks. I just so call celebrated another bday yesterday yet I still woke up with thoughts of not wanting to wake up and just end it already. I’ve read several comments here and can relate to a lot of these folks.
No easy answers, right? You can’t fix your life like you can fix a broken car. But spirituality – real spirituality – isn’t an activity you do on a particular day, and then go home; it’s lifetime faith and commitment. Not a quick fix, but a decision to look for and experience meaning. Maybe it’s not ideal to start from where you are – but on the other hand it’s not like anybody can start from anywhere else!
My wife loves me my children love me but I don’t love me I feel useless I can’t motivate myself to do anything I’m lost and alone. I don’t want to put my family through the pain of me ending my life but I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up
Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself mate. If they love you, you must be doing something right!
sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you. Find help and I’m sure you will reconnect to the people who love you and that you love. Do it for them.