Many people desperately want to know what to say – and what not to say – to someone who is thinking of suicide. The article 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person is one of Speaking of Suicide’s most popular post. Almost a half-million people have viewed it in the last 2½ years. Several hundred have left comments.
Sometimes people complain to me that the post describes what not to say, but it doesn’t say enough about what to say. They’re right. So in this post, I provide 10 things to say to a suicidal person.
First, Some Caveats about What to Say to a Suicidal Person
Before starting, I want to make some things clear: I came up with this list based on my conversations with suicidal individuals in my work as a clinical social worker, my readings of both clinical literature and accounts by individuals who experienced suicidal crises, and my own past experiences with suicidal thoughts. Nobody has actually researched systematically the most effective things for friends or family to say to a suicidal person, so opinion and experience are the best we’ve got for now. Results will vary according to different people’s needs and personalities.
I also want to make clear that this list of things to say is not intended to be a script. Instead, I illustrate ways that you can help a suicidal person continue to open up, rather than shutting the person down with a comment that minimizes, invalidates, or even denigrates the person’s experience.
And I want to add that what to say often isn’t nearly as important as how to listen. As I explain in my post “How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?”, someone who is thinking of suicide needs to feel understood. Let the person tell their story. Refrain from immediately trying to fix the situation or make the person feel better. These immediate efforts to get the person to stop thinking of suicide, however well intended, can halt the conversation.
So, with all that said, here are 10 things you can say to someone who tells you that they are considering suicide.
1. “I’m so glad you told me that you’re thinking of suicide.”
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts, some parents, partners, friends and others react with anger (“Don’t be stupid!”), pain (“How could you think of hurting me like that?”), or disbelief (“You can’t be serious.”) Some “freak out.” A suicidal person might then feel a need to comfort the hurt person, provide a defense to the angry person, or retreat internally from the disbelieving person. The person might regret ever having shared in the first place that they were thinking of suicide.
By saying “I’m glad you told me” – or something similar – you convey that you welcome and encourage disclosure of suicidal thoughts, and that you can handle it.
2. “It’s sad you’re hurting like this.”
This simple expression of empathy can go a long way toward validating the person’s pain and soothing a sense of aloneness. There’s no “Oh it’s not so bad,” no “You don’t really mean that,” no “But you have so much going for you,” no other statement denying or minimizing the person’s pain.
3. “What’s going on that makes you want to die?”
This invitation to the suicidal person to tell their story can provide validation, engender a sense of connection, and show that you really want to understand. Ask the person to tell their story. And then, listen. Really listen. To deepen your understanding, follow up with more invitations to share, like “Tell me more.” Show empathy and understanding, too: “That sounds awful” or “I can see why that’s painful.”
4. “When do you think you’ll act on your suicidal thoughts?”
Even if you’re not a mental health professional, you still can ask some basic questions to help understand the person’s risk for suicide. Asking about timing will make the difference between whether you need to call someone immediately for help (for example, if the person says, “I have a gun in my backpack and I’m going to shoot myself during lunch”) or whether you can continue to have leisurely conversation with the person.
5. “What ways do you think of killing yourself?”
This is another risk-assessment question. The answer can help reveal the gravity of the situation. A person who has put a lot of time and thought into suicide methods might be in more danger than someone with a vague wish to be dead, for example.
Understanding the suicide methods that the person has considered also will help you in your efforts to keep the person safe. For example, if you’re a parent and your teenage child discloses suicidal thoughts, knowing that your teenager is considering overdosing on a painkiller alerts you to the need to lock up or throw away all potentially dangerous medications. (See this information from the Center for Youth for ways to make your home safer.)
6. “Do you have access to a gun?”
Even if you think the person doesn’t own a gun or can’t get a hold of one, this information is always important. If the answer is yes, ask the person to consider giving the gun (or a key piece of the gun) to someone, locking the gun up and giving someone the key, or doing something else to make the home gun-free until the danger of suicide goes down. For more information about firearm safety related to suicide risk, also see this gun safety fact sheet.
7. “Help is available.”
By telling the person about help that’s available, you can help them to not feel so alone, helpless, or hopeless. If you are in the U.S., you can give them the number to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988, or 800.273.8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741741). You also can show them the SpeakingOfSuicide.com Resources page, which lists other resources in the U.S. and worldwide to receive help by phone, email, text, or online chat. If the person who reveals suicidal thoughts to you is your child, take them to a mental health professional or an emergency room for an evaluation.
8. “What can I do to help?”
Definitely tell the person about resources for help, but also make clear that you are available, too, if you’re able to do so. That said, there’s only so much you can do, so if you are feeling solely responsible for keeping the person alive, it’s best to involve others, too.
9. “I care about you, and I hope you stay.”
Be careful here. In my earlier post, one of the 10 things not to say is, “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” As I note in that post, “Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.”
At the same time, a simple statement of how much you care about or love the person can help nurture a sense of connection, if your statement isn’t an attempt to stop the person from talking further about suicide.
10. “I hope you’ll keep talking to me about your thoughts of suicide.”
Just as you want the person to feel welcome for having shared their suicidal thoughts to you, it’s good to make clear that you would welcome further disclosures, as well. Often, someone who has suicidal thoughts senses from others an expectation to “get over it already.” By inviting the person to come to you again about their suicidal thoughts, you can help prevent isolation and secrecy.
What Are Your Ideas about What to Say to a Suicidal Person?
There are many other helpful responses besides those listed here. If you have thoughts of suicide, what do you wish someone would say to you if you told them? If you have ever helped a suicidal friend or family member, what responses from you seemed to foster sharing, connection, and safety? Please feel free to leave a comment below.
Copyright 2017 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide. All Rights Reserved.
Edited 9/2/22
My granddaughter is currently in hospital told a friend she was going to kill herself. how do I help what should i say or not say?
Be supportive and make sure its well known that you’re there to help and that there is mental professional help available as well
Today I told my therapist that I had made a suicide attempt last year
Now I feel like I have ruined our relationship because I don’t want her to blame herself & it just feels awkward
what should I do now
How did she react?
I would think you should tell your therapist if you made a suicide attempt and you should also let her know that you think it will ruin your relationship with her by confiding in her. See how she responds to that. I would think she would respond that she is glad you told her that and ask you more about it.
I would think a therapist would expect you to confide that serious a matter to them. That’s part of their job!
A good therapist would listen to you about everything you do –
particularly a suicide attempt. The therapist is there to help you.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
I think your therapist would agree that her feelings are not your problem. She’s trained to deal with whatever comes up and it’s her job to worry about your feelings, not the other way around. My best advice is to tell your therapist how your feeling awkward and let her deal with it. That’s her job. We can’t get better by withholding our feelings from those we’re asking to help us with our feelings.
My older son recently visited his grandmother on her birthday. During that visit, my son shared that he’d been dealing with suicidal thoughts. His grandmother then said, “Well, I guess you need to be a better shot!”. I point that out because even if the intent behind the comment was to be joking, this is an issue that should NEVER be joked about, ESPECIALLY in the moment when the afflicted are being vulnerable and open with you! The afflicted set the pace, not you. And as I reminded on another thread here, we are not Superman or Jesus and cannot fix or save anyone. Our role is to support, not lead, when faced with this sort of thing with those we care about. For example, as I assured my son after sharing that, I AM his safety net this side of Paradise, that he can ALWAYS come to me NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER WHEN. Sometimes, just them knowing that is enough since much of what feeds their thought are feeling dismissed and isolated.
Let’s not forget that it comes from a place of vulnerability yet strength for someone to open up about such thoughts. If we’re dismissive and mocking in our response to their openness, like my mother was, then not only do we miss a chance to deepen our relationship with that person, but we also reinforce their thoughts & possibly push them further into committing the act, all in one fell swoop. For all the narcissistic ego stroking my mother was doing with her response, I wonder if she ever thought how she’d feel if my son actually followed through if he did so because of her attempt at being snarky and humorous in such a dire moment being the final straw that breaks that camel’s back? I’m not so sure she did, because I’d like to think that if she had, she would’ve never uttered the words. Not sure what’s more disturbing, the fact she felt comfortable making the comment or her dismissiveness? Either way, that was the straw that broke THIS camel’s back – NO ONE will talk to my son like that in his moment of need, sharing, and vulnerability like that and not get some backlash from me!
An excellent list of things to say to anyone who is contemplating suicide. Being understood is possibly the most important, for me at least, followed by non judgement and genuine concern.
Recently an old friend- who is getting older, mentioned to me that he has been think about committing suicide. He is at a yoga retreat and says he can’t talk on the phone at night. He said he didn’t want to wake the others up. So he’s sending long rambling text messages about suicide. One night was quite enough. He said he was going to speak to the guru at the Ashram, which he did. The guru told him not to commit suicide. I told him that’s good advice and he went on and on with the text messages to me. I suggested he call the suicide prevention hotline or text them.
He said he doesn’t want to do that and keeps texting me. I have a lot of
serious problems I have to contend with. Also I am not a suicide professional and this man will not even answer my phone calls. I asked him to stop texting me all night and please call a person who is more qualified than me to help. He told me don’t worry about it I was just thinking about it. He said he has called the suicide prevention line many times. We are not particularly close friends- just old friends. I need rest and honesty I am not qualified to help him at all. I told him to get on the phone with a professional and please stop texting me about death and suicide. He is about 300 miles away from me now. I am not his life jacket. He said he doesn’t want to call the suicide hotline anymore. He’s at a yoga retreat- for respite – and he refuses to reach out to anyone there because he doesn’t want to wake anyone up. So he’s waking me up and texting me. I also need rest and told him to go outside and call the suicide prevention hotline if he doesn’t want to wake anyone up. He refuses to do that. Will he kill himself? I don’t know. Am I am in the position to help him? Clearly I am not. I do not know this person too well and he is making angry remarks to me because I don’t share his views on suicide. I cannot help this person.
With all due respect, I’d be devastated if you were my friend and I reached out to you and shared those types of thoughts, and you responded like that. Your response is very devoid of feeling IMO, it would solidify my suicidal feelings personally (that I was a burden on all i know, and better off killing myself so others are no longer burdened etc.) I wonder how people can think only of their discomfort after hearing this, and disregard a supposed “friends'” anguish in their time of need? There are ways to disengage from this situation without being this unfeeling if you truly find this kind of revelation so distasteful, or if this is a lifelong thing for someone (been in crisis for 20 years, refuses to see a psychologist etc..). People saying these things are usually at the end. I would be further driven to end it all if I knew anybody thought the same way about me as you have verbalised.
I only hope you dont experience the eternal grief from one of your friends taking their own life, but from the sound of it, you fortunately haven’t…yet. praying you never do, but you need to read this advice very carefully, from someone who is only here because during some times I was struggling, and struggling to communicate what I was going through too… some people luckily realised my distress and reacted with love and concern and helpful advice. Criticism, disdain and veiled indifference make it all worse. Depressed people are distracted not oblivious.
Sometimes we don’t even want anything in particular, just maybe an understanding ear, a suggestion of how to improve things, or just a friendly face. If you can’t be any of those things for a friend in occasional urgent need, maybe ask yourself what sort of friend are you? Perhaps just an aquaintance? Make sure that’s clear I guess…
I have an old friend meaning we met decades ago. He goes to therapy and he has called the suicide prevention line dozens of times – according to him.
I have actually physically seen him about 5 times in the past 10 years.
He says he texts a lot of people about his suicidal thoughts.
Honestly, I had so many serious health problems and family problems he knows nothing about and doesn’t even know anything about my need for sleep and recovery from my own serious medical problems.
He may as well be a random stranger texting me all night long about it.
I asked him to call one of the MANY close friends and professionals he has shared these feelings with. He says he’d rather text me.
He is suffering from very serious medical problems and he doesn’t trust his doctors.
He told me he didn’t want to tell any of his close friends about this.
I have personal boundaries about accepting random panic texts from people who would not even answer a telephone call.
Text “I feel like killing myself”. Me – I see it and call back right away in the middle of the night. He does not answer the phone because he doesn’t want to wake up his bunk mate at the ashram where he has gone for a retreat.
Honestly it was so messed up I told him to please go into the hallway or the lobby and answer the phone there. He wouldn’t do that.
I am not God or a magician.
This man has never attempted suicide and wants to have a philosophical text chat with me about the legitimacy of suicide.
Can I give him your number so he can text you? Maybe you have more experience with this type of thing than I do.
Also, the concept that the person will text for hours just is too much for me – ever.
The person will NEVER talk on the phone.
I was born a long time ago when people actually spoke to one another. They didn’t send cryptic texts and say they don’t want to talk.
That type of communication is not something I’m comfortable with at all – especially if they are texting about a very serious matter.
We all have our own ability to respond to these types of situations.
Like I said – please give me your number and I’ll have him text you. You sound more equipped to handle it than I am.
I’m not a chat bot.
I’ve had several friends commit the unthinkable without a word a sign a cry for help anything!!!!!! One of my friends had a older brother that done it and his sister as well and then him. So maybe it runs in the family or you just never go what goes through someone else’s head. you or I have no way to “TRULY” understand the works of another individual’s thoughts from day to day…. Even if you think you know them!!! Stacy
Keep up the good in this world by caring & doing as you do!!!
After reading many comments. But buy no means all. And dealing with life long depression. I’ll say that normies come in three flavours. The blissfully delusional that will tell you just to think happy thoughts. The well meaning but dense that ask you to think how you’ll make them feel. And the generally helpful and well meaning, and somewhat informed on what to say (less is more) and do (mostly listen).
The literature tells you to talk to a friend and my experience and is no one wants to hear it. They’ll hear the highlight reel when you’ve been discharged. Most people are afraid it’s contagious. Or they’ve been keeping it under wraps too.
I’ve been listening to therapists for years and taken mountains of pills. Any recovery or improvement has only been temporary. I’m always told that things will improve. They don’t. Things get different but never better. My wife of 40 years is sick of listening about my depression and is leaving. Frankly I don’t blame her. I’m a lousy figure of a man and it’s hard to love someone with no self respect. So there goes one of the reasons I’d need to stay alive. I’ve got two left and one is a dog. I’ve got a plan and timeline now. I’m working on mitigating the impact on the last person that will miss me.
After looking long and hard at my life I’ve realized that the best is past. I also realize that I’ve always felt this way. Except for brief pharmaceutical breaks. I’ve also made a bit of a study of behavioural genetics and my family of origin. I have come to the realization that I was born this way. So I don’t feel so bad now. I’ll never therapize my way out of this. I’ve said elsewhere I’m sick of being treated and there is no cure forthcoming. So, yeah, I’m done
Oh my goodness. Please know that others care for you. Please talk to your therapist or minister or even someone at the docs office..
I don’t know you but I care!!! I truly hope you’re still around.
Your first paragraph imo is spot on!
There isn’t a lot who understand us. Those who abandon us were never really worthy of us. Your a good man because I’d blame my partner if they left me. “In sickness and in health.” Maybe that’s my selfish thinking but we do need that one security blanket. Another reason why I love dogs more than humans. You might only think there’s just two left but I can guarantee you there are more than that truly do care.
If you’re willing to turn an internet stranger into a true friend,I’ll listen and HEAR you anytime you need.
Coming from a mom that’s been there and also fought the battle alongside her now 21 year old daughter who was SH at the age of 10 fighting depression and BDM. She now advocates for other teenagers who SH.
Unfortunately, as of two nights ago,hence how I stumbled on this site, I’m again at the battle with my 15year old son . for the past 3years over SH and attempts of suicide. His is different than his sisters and more like mine where we feel worthless,stupid and a disappointment. Theirs stem more from their worthless sperm donor who comes and goes in their life as he pleases. She cut ties with him and his family so I think that’s helped her out knowing her self worth.
Idk if I’m doing it right because truly no book really has the answers but my daughter and I hear him and we let him know he’s not alone and that we relate.
It’s hard to fight these feelings it’s even harder when you’re trying to survive all while trying to help your kids survive at the same time. My fight is for them. They need me just as I need them. Only difference is they truly can’t comprehend right now that they ARE my reason for continuing. So, I’ll be damned if this disease takes his life.
Again, I’m willing to stand beside you and fight your battle with you,if you allow me to.
You ARE NOT alone!!
I cried while reading this. Life can be better but at what cost? Only thing I can hope for is that you are in better place
ill be there with you mate
I think it would be so much better to say “I care about you, and I will listen even if it’s hard because this is what you feel”. Like in indirect way to signal “I care about you, and want to know and aknowledge your pain”.
If someone said to me “I care about you, and I will be so sad if you died by suicide” it would be like them feeling SO SAD is so important that I should miraculously stop thinking and feeling right this instant because they would be sad. Like in “I feel that way about you, and I will feel like shit if you keep feeling like you do”.
It is very hard to battle those thoughts and feelings daily. You don’t want your brain to go that route by default. There is enough self hatred for being that way without others pointing out that those feelings/thoughts are hurtful and less important than the pain it would cause others.
I recently had crushing realization that I was passive suicidal for over half my life and still am. The horrenduous visuals of my demise that my brain would come up randomly throughout the day while doing mundane things – gardening, taking shower, walking, driving – have been my constant since I can remember. I thought it was normal, that everyone had those passing thoughts. Years of reckless behavior, medical checkups avoidance, driving long distances or going into dangerous places without any kind of medical insurance in case something happened, moving around like I wasn’t even there… I realized it was so bad that I already lived like I was dead to the world, unconsciously cut all contacts and took care of all things in order, waiting for life to just do the deed to make it official.
It’s hard to accept that some burried part of you is hurting so bad that you want to end yourself. But it helped a lot to accept that I can feel that way, that it’s okay to feel. I believe it’s the first step to find why and how to move forward from that. What’s not okay is to drown in those feelings and thoughts. To believe that this hurting part is a whole you. Although it’s easy to do so when you don’t remember nor recognize yourself anymore.
It’s tiresome. You continuously drown in the sea, suffocating and you can’t remember how the air in your lungs felt like anymore. And you feel like everyone tells you that you should get out of the sea and just take a breath. Like that. It’s so easy. So why can’t you do just that for years?
I don’t know who you are and where you at? I feel like hugging you and cry
If someone you know is suicidal, be clear in stating “I am listening” and then listen. If you are truly listening to that person, you will not jump in and try to fix the situation or make them feel better but you will show that you care by listening. Then, tell them that although you will always be there for them, they need to also reach out to a professional who is trained and has experience with depression and suicidal thinking. Do not try to take on dealing with a suicidal person on your own if you are not trained in knowing what to do and what not to do. Even if you mean well, you could make matters worse.