Many people desperately want to know what to say – and what not to say – to someone who is thinking of suicide. The article 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person is one of Speaking of Suicide’s most popular post. Almost a half-million people have viewed it in the last 2½ years. Several hundred have left comments.
Sometimes people complain to me that the post describes what not to say, but it doesn’t say enough about what to say. They’re right. So in this post, I provide 10 things to say to a suicidal person.
First, Some Caveats about What to Say to a Suicidal Person
Before starting, I want to make some things clear: I came up with this list based on my conversations with suicidal individuals in my work as a clinical social worker, my readings of both clinical literature and accounts by individuals who experienced suicidal crises, and my own past experiences with suicidal thoughts. Nobody has actually researched systematically the most effective things for friends or family to say to a suicidal person, so opinion and experience are the best we’ve got for now. Results will vary according to different people’s needs and personalities.
I also want to make clear that this list of things to say is not intended to be a script. Instead, I illustrate ways that you can help a suicidal person continue to open up, rather than shutting the person down with a comment that minimizes, invalidates, or even denigrates the person’s experience.
And I want to add that what to say often isn’t nearly as important as how to listen. As I explain in my post “How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?”, someone who is thinking of suicide needs to feel understood. Let the person tell their story. Refrain from immediately trying to fix the situation or make the person feel better. These immediate efforts to get the person to stop thinking of suicide, however well intended, can halt the conversation.
So, with all that said, here are 10 things you can say to someone who tells you that they are considering suicide.
1. “I’m so glad you told me that you’re thinking of suicide.”
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts, some parents, partners, friends and others react with anger (“Don’t be stupid!”), pain (“How could you think of hurting me like that?”), or disbelief (“You can’t be serious.”) Some “freak out.” A suicidal person might then feel a need to comfort the hurt person, provide a defense to the angry person, or retreat internally from the disbelieving person. The person might regret ever having shared in the first place that they were thinking of suicide.
By saying “I’m glad you told me” – or something similar – you convey that you welcome and encourage disclosure of suicidal thoughts, and that you can handle it.
2. “It’s sad you’re hurting like this.”
This simple expression of empathy can go a long way toward validating the person’s pain and soothing a sense of aloneness. There’s no “Oh it’s not so bad,” no “You don’t really mean that,” no “But you have so much going for you,” no other statement denying or minimizing the person’s pain.
3. “What’s going on that makes you want to die?”
This invitation to the suicidal person to tell their story can provide validation, engender a sense of connection, and show that you really want to understand. Ask the person to tell their story. And then, listen. Really listen. To deepen your understanding, follow up with more invitations to share, like “Tell me more.” Show empathy and understanding, too: “That sounds awful” or “I can see why that’s painful.”
4. “When do you think you’ll act on your suicidal thoughts?”
Even if you’re not a mental health professional, you still can ask some basic questions to help understand the person’s risk for suicide. Asking about timing will make the difference between whether you need to call someone immediately for help (for example, if the person says, “I have a gun in my backpack and I’m going to shoot myself during lunch”) or whether you can continue to have leisurely conversation with the person.
5. “What ways do you think of killing yourself?”
This is another risk-assessment question. The answer can help reveal the gravity of the situation. A person who has put a lot of time and thought into suicide methods might be in more danger than someone with a vague wish to be dead, for example.
Understanding the suicide methods that the person has considered also will help you in your efforts to keep the person safe. For example, if you’re a parent and your teenage child discloses suicidal thoughts, knowing that your teenager is considering overdosing on a painkiller alerts you to the need to lock up or throw away all potentially dangerous medications. (See this information from the Center for Youth for ways to make your home safer.)
6. “Do you have access to a gun?”
Even if you think the person doesn’t own a gun or can’t get a hold of one, this information is always important. If the answer is yes, ask the person to consider giving the gun (or a key piece of the gun) to someone, locking the gun up and giving someone the key, or doing something else to make the home gun-free until the danger of suicide goes down. For more information about firearm safety related to suicide risk, also see this gun safety fact sheet.
7. “Help is available.”
By telling the person about help that’s available, you can help them to not feel so alone, helpless, or hopeless. If you are in the U.S., you can give them the number to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988, or 800.273.8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741741). You also can show them the SpeakingOfSuicide.com Resources page, which lists other resources in the U.S. and worldwide to receive help by phone, email, text, or online chat. If the person who reveals suicidal thoughts to you is your child, take them to a mental health professional or an emergency room for an evaluation.
8. “What can I do to help?”
Definitely tell the person about resources for help, but also make clear that you are available, too, if you’re able to do so. That said, there’s only so much you can do, so if you are feeling solely responsible for keeping the person alive, it’s best to involve others, too.
9. “I care about you, and I hope you stay.”
Be careful here. In my earlier post, one of the 10 things not to say is, “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” As I note in that post, “Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.”
At the same time, a simple statement of how much you care about or love the person can help nurture a sense of connection, if your statement isn’t an attempt to stop the person from talking further about suicide.
10. “I hope you’ll keep talking to me about your thoughts of suicide.”
Just as you want the person to feel welcome for having shared their suicidal thoughts to you, it’s good to make clear that you would welcome further disclosures, as well. Often, someone who has suicidal thoughts senses from others an expectation to “get over it already.” By inviting the person to come to you again about their suicidal thoughts, you can help prevent isolation and secrecy.
What Are Your Ideas about What to Say to a Suicidal Person?
There are many other helpful responses besides those listed here. If you have thoughts of suicide, what do you wish someone would say to you if you told them? If you have ever helped a suicidal friend or family member, what responses from you seemed to foster sharing, connection, and safety? Please feel free to leave a comment below.
Copyright 2017 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide. All Rights Reserved.
Edited 9/2/22
you shouldnt talk about it with just anyone, theres people that get happy about things like that [ for different reasens],
talk to family members in person about whats bothers you, or someone that you could really trust, you cant trust everyone, they lie or try to emberess us beleive me, i should know
The best thing to do would be to listen to the suicidal person, hear out the pain and be empathetic. Also help him or her to find out the triggers and the possible action course, and be more sensitive to the thoughts and help with chores. Immediate action would be to make the person feel good, basically, and then long term solutions to the found problem. Also remove negative factors affecting the environment of such a person and bring positivity. A thing to avoid would be-not giving false hopes. Also consult a psychologist if possible to find the root and other causes.
You are not alone.
That’s a damned lie.
Lie for centuries
I think that a very good thing to say to a person contemplating suicide is that the depression is TEMPORARY…..you are very sad right now but your situation/circumstances will change and your depression will not be so overwhelming. There is a good tomorrow. Second, remember the good tomorrow and understand that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You cannot undo this decision. Third, make some lists: things you like about yourself, what you’d like to do / be in ten years, things you like to do (knit, jog, bake, paint……there are so many things people are interested in!). Fourth, Don’t isolate, start volunteering to help somebody else or at a place like the Humane Society. Stop focusing on how unhappy you are and GET BUSY doing something, anything. Take the depression in hand and treat it like the bad influence it is.
The author has a post about what *not* to say & several things you’ve mentioned are on that post.
Depression is not temporary, nor can you guarantee one’s situation will change. I’ve been chasing the end of the proverbial tunnel for close to two decades now and I’m no closer than I ever was. “Depression is temporary” is one of the absolute last things I want to hear in a crisis because then I know for sure the person telling me hasn’t experienced the true depths of this horror like I have.
This comment makes me want to kill myself, honestly – you obviously have no idea what you’re talking about. You say “a good tomorrow.” That’s just something people say. If you’ve been suicidal for over a decade, you can pretty much count on tomorrow sucking as much as today, being completely alone, missing every goal you ever set for yourself, no one wanting to hold you, forget having sex with you or listening to you. This despite doing community service, “being busy” and all the platitudes you shared. It’s better to say nothing rather than something that doesn’t help and just illustrates the obliviousness of humans, and why getting away from them, all of them, permanently, is a wise choice because there isn’t a better tomorrow – only more loneliness and knowing you are an insignificant little speck, of no use or value to anyone except for the money you spend in the stores, and the taxes you pay.
Hi Farkle. My name is Esther. My email is ewitnik@gmail.com . I am not a sales person or anything like that. I am just another person who agrees that being alone in the world is shitty
hmm , is over 10 years temporary|?
not abt me but sm1 ik
This is not going to be popular no doubt. But i get so sick of people around me threatening or not even threatening just telling me they don’t want to “be here anymore” which to me means they want to kill themselves. of course i don’t want them to die. I do not know what to say to this I dont know why I don’t have more sympathy I love these people but i am sick of them lashing out at me telling me this when i feel it is to hurt me and get a response from me. What can I do? I cant make anyone feel happier i try to no avail and i get sick of it never making a difference. I know I can be too harsh i know that about myself, i want to scream right now what in the ++++ do you want from me? Do something different then – CHOOSE to be happy instead of miserable.
Don’t you think we wish it was that easy? Just flip a switch and no longer be plagued by whatever condition or illness is eating us up inside and making our lives miserable? I would give ANYTHING to be free of the depression that’s destroyed my hopes and dreams. So how about we trade brains? Since you’ve clearly got it all figured out, I’ll take your working one and you can have my broken, defective one that you’re more than capable of handling. That way, you’ll learn to truly intimately know the darkest depths of despair and hopelessness that I’m cursed with every single day.
In the meantime, next time one of these people around you speak of comes to you with their pain, I beg of you to tell them the truth – that they’d be better off going to someone else because you can’t be bothered to care!
I hear you! You are not alone feeling that way. I too am there.
Yes, I have struggled with depression for years, and am also in graduate school to become a therapist. I agree with Travis–it’s not as easy as “choose to be happy instead of miserable.” If people could, they would, because who wants to be miserable?
i dont think i stopped them…
Miyo,
How stressful! I hope you and the person you’re concerned about are OK. If you need to talk with someone about their situation or yours, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline by dialing 988 in the U.S. or use one of the other resources listed here.
Hello, my friend is struggling with depression, anxiety, and PTSD after being molested by her step-father. She has told everything about what had happened and believes that no one is able to help her after searching for counselors and so on. She has began cutting and thad told me that she has suicidal thoughts. After reading this I am still left with the question, “How must I approach this situation?”. Please, help me- or rather help her.
dont ask them how ….. i asked how and my bf said watch this: and proceeded to jump out the fourth floor window.
rip colten, love you always
Dianne,
How terrible, and how traumatic for you to have witnessed that! I’m very sorry for your loss.
My sympathies! What a horrible thing to watch. If I were you, I’d strongly consider getting some therapy to help you deal with such a traumatic event.
My boyfriend has mentioned many times feeling hopeless and lost . He has mentioned that he has sh and recently relapse. He is also struggling with his own identity because he thinks people will only see him as a girl. That is eating him alive I can tell. I want to help him and he knows Im always here to talk but sometimes I just get quiet because Im worried and dont know what to say. Please help
tell him your there for him
What would help if someone said they were thinking of committing suicide? “I understand your Pain” or ” I know your pain”, “I really understand where your coming from.” But no matter who it is they wont believe you really understand or have been there unless you got something real to back it up with. So hopefully its coming from a person who really knows and understands that kind of pain. Because its real. and the person your talking to will be able to cut right through a total BS story. Because only a person who has really felt that kind of excruciating pain can convince a person they really had and that they really care. It is an unceasing legitimate pain right in the center of your chest, in the heart and it friggin hurts! From a wound or wounds that have been never allowed to heal, and are continually being reopened or made worse and its there festering and no one cares. Because the only people in your life find joy in your anguish and continue to heap the abuse on you just to watch you hurt and laugh or taught you because you feel it. There is no way to get rid of that kind of pain and all you want to do is make it stop. Its baffling and almost incompressible even to the person who is experiencing it that your very being can be so completely filled with nothing but pain a yet there is this gaping and vast indescribable, bottomless pit of emptiness inside you at the same time. And no matter how much anguish and pain gets heaped upon you, it never fills that void. In fact the gaping chasm only gets bigger as if it were contemplating making room for more. At that point you break when you come to the realization that that void will never be filled with anything other than more pain or torment. There are some really sincere people out there who really want to help and sincerely care and I think maybe they can at some point convince a person that someone really cares. There will be some you just cant reach because even though they may comprehend that you do really care, they know that you really don’t understand and they need someone who really, really understands the depth of their pain the way they are feeling it, and the only way you could possibly comprehend it is if you experienced it yourself. Even if the slightest negative comment is made, or a comment that lacks total understanding, will compounds and enhances the pain to new heights creating a bigger vaster void. What does this person really have to look forward to? Are you going to fill their life with loving supportive people who really care? Or do they just end up enduring a life of the same crap? The latter is most likely the reality. Maybe it is enough for some people to hear some stranger say they care even if it a last desperate effort . Maybe that individual hasn’t been repeatedly let down or repeatedly abused, traumatized, neglected, used, rejected or ignored by everyone they’ve ever met or cared about and there might still be a glimmer of hope left in them that helps them believe that there might be someone left of the planet that could actually care about them and love them someday. Do you really understand the pain?
Reality Check,
Wow, you’ve shared an amazing, powerful, true description of the depths of mental anguish that many suicidal people experience, along with feelings of hopelessness and loneliness. I hope it helped you to write it, because I know it will help others to read it. It will help them to understand if they know someone who has suicidal thoughts, and to feel understood if they themselves are suicidal. And no, nobody can ever 100% understand another person’s pain, but the farther away we get from 0%, the better.
If you’re suffering even half as much as your description conveys, I hope that you’re able to get – and to receive – help and support soon. Thanks for sharing here.
As a crisis counselor, I listen very closely to hear what are the buffers, the reason why the caller hasn’t attempted to complete a suicide. It could be a beloved pet, a child, parent or other loved one. I explore with them how the caller’s death would impact that loved one in ways the suicidal person has considered. All this by carefully listening. I never try to fix the problem, only tie in what does matter over what is causing suicidal thoughts in the first place.