I advise my students to ask their suicidal clients, “What stops you? What stops you from killing yourself?”
Some are horrified. They see this almost as a dare, as if they are saying to a hurting, suicidal person, If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?
To the contrary, asking the question “What stops you?” merely involves saying aloud what many suicidal individuals ask themselves constantly. And if they don’t consider the question already, they should. Otherwise, they might not recognize hopes and fears that are reasons to keep fighting for their life.
Something has indeed stopped a living and breathing suicidal person from acting on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing deterred them, they would not still be alive.
So, if you are a therapist working with a client who has thoughts of suicide, it can be helpful to ask this simple question:
“What has stopped you from killing yourself?”
A related question to ask, as I discuss in this post, is:
“What are your reasons for staying alive?”
And if you are reading this post because you yourself have suicidal thoughts, please ask yourself these questions, too. The answers might fortify you, or even surprise you.
Reasons to Stay Alive vs. Reasons Not to Attempt Suicide
With my therapy clients and in my readings of research studies, I have observed two types of reasons people give for not killing themselves: life-affirming reasons, and fear-based reasons.
The life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for the person if they stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons the person has to stay alive.
Unfortunately, many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts are bereft of hope or pleasure, so there may be no life-affirming or hopeful reasons to keep going. In these cases, fear-based reasons tend to dominate.
The fear-based reasons for not attempting suicide center on the bad things that can happen:
Their suicide attempt might not be fatal, and they might suffer lifelong injuries. Many people have shot themselves, overdosed, tried to hang themselves, and cut themselves only to suffer blindness, paralysis, brain damage, or disfigurement.
They believe they might go to hell. I hear this often. Many of my clients fear what might await them after death.
They worry they will be reincarnated into a life of more pain. This is another fear that has stopped some of my clients from killing themselves. They fear that escaping their pain in this life will consign them to more pain, and more lessons to learn, in the next.
They do not want to hurt others. Some parents are deterred because they know that their suicide would make it more likely that their child would die by suicide. Others simply don’t want others to hurt.
They fear what would happen to their pets. As an animal lover, I get this. Many people don’t have family who could care for their pets, and the thought of the pets going to a shelter – or even worse, being killed – horrifies them. It would horrify me, too.
Generally speaking, I do not try to persuade the suicidal person with all the reasons not to end one’s life. To do so would invite a power struggle, one in which we are on opposite sides: the persuader, and the one resisting persuasion.
Instead, I elicit from the suicidal person what their reasons are for still being alive. I assess how strong these deterrents to suicide are, and I look for opportunities to reinforce them. But it’s best if the reasons come from the individual, not from me. The person’s answer is the only one that matters, because it is what has kept them alive thus far.
Beyond Fear of Suicide
Fear of what would come after a suicide attempt is a powerful deterrent. Ideally, though, people will have more than that. They also need hope. And they need a life worth living.
In my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals, I discuss many ways to help someone discover reasons for living, grow hope, find meaning, and improve their quality of life. (Sorry for the blatant plug, but there are too many tips to go into here.)
The more reasons a person has to stay alive, the more answers the person has when asked, “What stops you?”
What if Nothing is Stopping You from Suicide?
If you are thinking of suicide, you might have difficulty coming up with reasons for living. You might not even be able to think of something that is stopping you from killing yourself now. If so, I ask two things of you:
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- Get help. Talk to a therapist or a physician. Go to an ER. Let a family member or friend on your suicidal thoughts. Use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed here. It’s very possible – indeed, probable – that your thinking is distorted by stress, trauma, or illness. With treatment or time, you might indeed be able to identify many reasons for living.
- Examine what has stopped you till now. Even if you can’t identify reasons not to kill yourself, if you’re alive, something has stopped you until now. What? As I describe above, the answers may reveal hopes or fears that are themselves reasons to continue staying alive.
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Copyright 2017 Stacey Freedenthal. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Photos purchased from Fotolia.
I attempted suicide. Now I’m terrified of going to hell. I didn’t know it was a sin.
based on the comments… I worry that without help, the question “what stops you” could be as harmful as it seems. Since I’m not a professional, this kind of question is very scary… I don’t think I would be willing to bring this up unless it really came naturally…
Though, noting that it is best if the reasons come from the individual is valuable.
If it weren’t for my daughter I would have checked out 6 months ago.
I am in so much emotional pain. There is a place online that has ALWAYS been a wonderful source of mutual support in their anxiety and depression forums. People ask and offer to each other in very genuine ways.
Realizing how valuable your insights and articles are, Stacey, about suicide, that allows people to share freely from ALL perspectives without threat of being shamed or considered dangerous, I realized how valuable this would be to those on my support forums.
I title posted “for anyone who deals with thoughts of suicide” and then mentioned you and how much i value what is offered here. SEVERAL people responded and reached about to me to inquire more about it. It was an overwhelming response from so many like me needing to be able to open up and read about different perspectives that make us feel “seen” and “heard” here, and I thank you again, Stacey.🙏
Well, I’ve been busy trying to get things done, but when,I looked at the forum, I saw a woman ranting at me in,that post about ‘ how I had no right to be petioning people and advocating for ways people can kill themselves, and how much pain that caused her after her horrendous losses of people to suicide.
It was hostile and full of wrong accusations about my post and those who responded to thank me for sharing it. No one was saying more than that. I was offended but realized she was coming from her own pain, and was ready to cautiously and thoughtfully respond when I realized SHE HAD COMPLAINED TO THOSE WHO RUN THE FORUMS AND HAD MY POST DELETED!!
I got some nonsense email saying I was having a difficult time but my posts were not helpful to some and so they removed it.
I was outraged that the sensitivity of those who lost someone to suicide WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THOSE WHO ARE ACTUALLY THINKING OF ENDING THEIR OWN LIVES!!
How dare they! A couple of them said “you have places to talk about that, go there, not here, ‘that doesn’t belong on here because of HOW MUCH IT UPSETS THE FAMILIES AND LOVED ONES WHO LOST SOMEONE TO SUICIDE.
I was and still am utterly outraged at their self centered sense of entitlement on a forum for people struggling with depression!!!
I expressed my outrage loudly and clearly at their DISMISSAL of people contemplating suicide, silencing and disappearing us with the their sensitive needs for TRIGGER WARNINGS, further stigmatizing and disconnecting us, making people feel more defective and shameful about who they are an what they feel. I made it clear that it that very dismissal that INCREASES THE LIKELIHOOD THAT PEOPLE WILL ACTUALLY ACT ON TRYING TO KILL THEMSELVES!! And yes I went further, knowing I was going to be barred from the forums, because of how THEIR pain and sensitivity was arrogantly deemed more important!! I wondered why she even read my post when she could have simply ignore what would upset her that did not even pertain to her, and said those who shut us down are the trigger for suicide, and corrected their ignorant statement that “we have places to go where we can talk about that” and that a mental health forum was somehow NOT the place for fear causing those few distress when they CHOOSE to read what they could have ignored.
Well, of course I was kicked off the site, deleted, like my post, the way all of us are made invisible and DELETED from existence if we try to talk about our pain!! Or we are met by police should we call a crisis line like 988 that absolutely tracks us when they THEY determine we need to be removed and locked up.
And then what, right? No one, NO ONE has been helped by a 3 day voluntary or involuntary hospitalization!! No one. There is NO REAL INTEREST in helping people LIVE. WE , in fact, are rarely even part of the process of WHATS DONE TO US”. The only way suicide rates are going to STOP INCREASING is by ALLOWING us to talk about these issues! It’s those who are UNCOMFORTABLE hearing what we have to say who NEED THERAPY TO ACCEPT TRUTH, without once again focusing on people who are suicidal as “mentally ill”, problematic, defective!!
Suicide is NOT an individual problem. Just look at how many people continue to kill themselves every year, in civilized societies that have far more opportunities than ever before!
Suicide is a SOCIETAL PROBLEM! And I’m sick of people trying to make it about individuals who are still pitied and looked down upon without looking at THEMSELVES and the way we shame people for making others uncomfortable.
So, now, I have lost my one true longtime source of support that I could turn to online anytime and know someone was there with true interest in what I had to say. I contributed a lot of my knowledge and experience, and genuine ability to sense what people were needing or feeling and letting them know I share those feelings. But, I do not regret my rant, that was honest about how much I was shaking and crying in anger about being DELETED, and pulled no punches about how THEY were the problem, how they need to learn,how to accept responsibility for their pain and loss without blaming people like me passing on a resource, attacking ME and those who appreciated what I shared. I was and still am furious because those little entitled micro managers are everywhere in this world, making sure we don’t offend any of the “nice and pleasant people” in their phony bubble of denial and cowards.
Thank you, Stacey, I think a few of them got to this site before my post and I were deleted from existence. For that, I am thankful.
Let me say first that I’m sorry that your message was deleted and that you were bumped from that site. But let’s go with “Their loss is our gain!” There’s a link to a website somewhere around here that points at us at ChronicSuicideSupport.com and I (as admin there) would be pleased to have you come join us.
It really stresses me that we have so many things that can’t even be talked about … no, I’m not gonna go murder anyone but to say that there are times I feel like it because that idiot (pick you own particular idiot) has gotten my last goat shouldn’t be forbidden … should it??
Thank you so much for sharing!
Nothing is stopping me except my own cowardness , I think it is cruel to force people to live . Just because it is the expectation of others that everyone must live . And everyone can enjoy life . Some can’t and should be helped to leave this world as best as they can .
I’m there too, especially difficult recently, just blocking out awareness of the fear of my truly eternal hopelessness of my existence. Agree completely.
Thank you for this article. My reason for not killing myself yet is because I’m already dead. I live and look like a dead person. Killing myself wouldn’t be possible 🥺.
If I knew with 100% certainty, right now, that there was a definitive afterlife, I would kill myself.
Sure, I have tons to live for, I’ve got a long and full life ahead of me, I have friends, family, mentors, who’s entire years would be ruined hearing I’d killed myself, I have enemies to outlive, and so much more, but it’s all superficial problems that I don’t have to deal with if I killed myself in this hypothetical where an afterlife has been officially proven to exist.
I know I’m uselessly reiterating my point here, but if it weren’t for the whole ‘no afterlife’ thing I would do it without question. Relative to others around me, my life fucking sucks. I’m fat, ugly, broke, too young to get a job, I got bullied in every school I’ve ever been to, my family’s annoying and my twin brother’s a whiny little bitch, and I live in a crumbling shithole of a country, that’s just a 3rd world country with London lazily stapled to it. I’ve got nothing worth living for that’s not just a fantasy, so yes, I would 100% do it with zero regard to the people around me if it weren’t for that.
I’m 54. My body hurts. I am a burden and have had depression most of my life. The urge to end it is very strong. Then I look at my wonderful Grandson’s and feel so guilty for wanting to end it. I also don’t want to be a burden so it tears me apart. I pray for everyone going through this pain.
Thank you for your presence, Stacey.
I live in suspension, as if immersed in aspic, inhaling to the bronchi and no deeper.
I live with a medical concern that qualifies for assisted death; am an elder with no close bonds, no purpose, direction, home, or emotional tone other than a fairly thick containment field that encircles a core of terrorized rage.
Too many losses and blows over the last 13 years and a ruined sense of Who-I-am-ness; all joy and animation have vacated; body’s breaking down. Abandoned by mate last year. For the first time in 24 years, bereft of a beloved cat (or three). Live, post-divorce, with some relatives who tolerate my presence and want me gone. Looking for a room somewhere, from which to vacate. Dread what is likely to come (friendless; alone; impoverished; ill; have no children; utterly numb)–>more of the same until death. Necessity demanded a move from a beautiful place (semi-rural, surrounded by green) to a hideous one (suburban concrete near a major roadway where cars scream all day, all night; more than 4 million humans crammed into an urban ulcer).
I admit to no thanks–This, too, is a new state, and a horrific one.
I used to hold buttercups in my hands and quietly weep for the beauty.
I used to have someone to touch.
So very goddamned tired. To the marrow.
I wake each day; with awareness of this life that goes on, the first word is “Fuck.”
I used to wake with a cat on my chest, purring right into my heart.
I feel nearly nothing, just Life’s tenuous hold on my life.
Life insists on living.
Jaw clenched.
All of my dearest ones have died.
We won’t reunite; of this I feel sure.
I attended my mother’s death, both as a daughter and a doula. Her essence spun like an orb, then was gone. Energy, dissipating.
C’est ça.
Beloved elders, my heart’s North Stars, are the vacancies I murmur to. I don’t pray. Sense of the sacred is dead.
I tended my mother’s conveyance from alive to beyond, and now I don’t care. My life has degraded to that deep a degree.
The most sacred passage (hers) and privilege (mine)–and I don’t care.
It’s not fresh, the loss: she’s been gone more than 20 years.
What stops me? At this point, exhaustion.
Forgive me.
Oh my, you describe your pain and hopelessness so powerfully that I feel it with you, from afar, as I read your words. I hope in time things do get better for you and you awaken again to a cat purring on your chest, or you feel awe for buttercups’ beauty, or whatever else can make life worth living, scan with jaw clenched. And yet you also said you have an ongoing medical condition, and I’m sorry for all the loss and pain, and I still do hope for better for you even if you don’t.
Also, I apologize about the long delay in posting your comment! For some reason the emailed notifications I typically receive when someone posts a comment have stopped, and I finally realized tonight that it’s not because no one’s been leaving comments!
Oh my, you describe your pain and hopelessness so powerfully that I feel it with you, from afar, as I read your words. I hope in time things do get better for you and you awaken again to a cat purring on your chest, or you feel awe for buttercups’ beauty, or whatever else can make life worth living, even with jaw clenched. And yet you also said you have an ongoing medical condition, and I’m sorry for all your loss and pain, and I still do hope for better for you even if you don’t.
Also, I apologize about the long delay in posting your comment! For some reason the emailed notifications I typically receive when someone posts a comment have stopped, and I finally realized tonight that it’s not because no one’s been leaving comments!
You should write and publish your writings. You have a talent. I’m not a big reader but your words kept me reading and for a moment I thought I was reading a poem. You have a depth of passion that is relatable and needed in this World.
My intent is not to offend I am saddened by your pain I relate to your pain and we are not alone we really have each other.
I experienced an ASA last night. Should I get help, or just try to process it?
And for those that don’t know what an ASA is it stands for Aborted Suicide Attempt.