I advise my students to ask their suicidal clients, “What stops you? What stops you from killing yourself?”
Some are horrified. They see this almost as a dare, as if they are saying to a hurting, suicidal person, If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?
To the contrary, asking the question “What stops you?” merely involves saying aloud what many suicidal individuals ask themselves constantly. And if they don’t consider the question already, they should. Otherwise, they might not recognize hopes and fears that are reasons to keep fighting for their life.
Something has indeed stopped a living and breathing suicidal person from acting on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing deterred them, they would not still be alive.
So, if you are a therapist working with a client who has thoughts of suicide, it can be helpful to ask this simple question:
“What has stopped you from killing yourself?”
A related question to ask, as I discuss in this post, is:
“What are your reasons for staying alive?”
And if you are reading this post because you yourself have suicidal thoughts, please ask yourself these questions, too. The answers might fortify you, or even surprise you.
Reasons to Stay Alive vs. Reasons Not to Attempt Suicide
With my therapy clients and in my readings of research studies, I have observed two types of reasons people give for not killing themselves: life-affirming reasons, and fear-based reasons.
The life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for the person if they stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons the person has to stay alive.
Unfortunately, many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts are bereft of hope or pleasure, so there may be no life-affirming or hopeful reasons to keep going. In these cases, fear-based reasons tend to dominate.
The fear-based reasons for not attempting suicide center on the bad things that can happen:
Their suicide attempt might not be fatal, and they might suffer lifelong injuries. Many people have shot themselves, overdosed, tried to hang themselves, and cut themselves only to suffer blindness, paralysis, brain damage, or disfigurement.
They believe they might go to hell. I hear this often. Many of my clients fear what might await them after death.
They worry they will be reincarnated into a life of more pain. This is another fear that has stopped some of my clients from killing themselves. They fear that escaping their pain in this life will consign them to more pain, and more lessons to learn, in the next.
They do not want to hurt others. Some parents are deterred because they know that their suicide would make it more likely that their child would die by suicide. Others simply don’t want others to hurt.
They fear what would happen to their pets. As an animal lover, I get this. Many people don’t have family who could care for their pets, and the thought of the pets going to a shelter – or even worse, being killed – horrifies them. It would horrify me, too.
Generally speaking, I do not try to persuade the suicidal person with all the reasons not to end one’s life. To do so would invite a power struggle, one in which we are on opposite sides: the persuader, and the one resisting persuasion.
Instead, I elicit from the suicidal person what their reasons are for still being alive. I assess how strong these deterrents to suicide are, and I look for opportunities to reinforce them. But it’s best if the reasons come from the individual, not from me. The person’s answer is the only one that matters, because it is what has kept them alive thus far.
Beyond Fear of Suicide
Fear of what would come after a suicide attempt is a powerful deterrent. Ideally, though, people will have more than that. They also need hope. And they need a life worth living.
In my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals, I discuss many ways to help someone discover reasons for living, grow hope, find meaning, and improve their quality of life. (Sorry for the blatant plug, but there are too many tips to go into here.)
The more reasons a person has to stay alive, the more answers the person has when asked, “What stops you?”
What if Nothing is Stopping You from Suicide?
If you are thinking of suicide, you might have difficulty coming up with reasons for living. You might not even be able to think of something that is stopping you from killing yourself now. If so, I ask two things of you:
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- Get help. Talk to a therapist or a physician. Go to an ER. Let a family member or friend on your suicidal thoughts. Use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed here. It’s very possible – indeed, probable – that your thinking is distorted by stress, trauma, or illness. With treatment or time, you might indeed be able to identify many reasons for living.
- Examine what has stopped you till now. Even if you can’t identify reasons not to kill yourself, if you’re alive, something has stopped you until now. What? As I describe above, the answers may reveal hopes or fears that are themselves reasons to continue staying alive.
*
Copyright 2017 Stacey Freedenthal. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Photos purchased from Fotolia.
If a person can logically plan out their death, and they’ve been thinking about it for a while, how is that distorted thinking? Why is there an assumption that the person isn’t thinking clearly and therefore doesn’t have the right to do what he wants. What happened to “my body my choice?”
Because suicide does not make one feel better , dead people don’t feel at all. Factually, they are not people anymore.
Dying does not change the situation of the person, it makes the painful situation eternal. That kind of beats the purpose, no ?
On the contrary, it changes everything. It ends the situation. It is the only real solution to permanent problems. The whole “temporary problems” hooey discounts reality. Getting off this hellworld is the best possible outcome. It would be great not to exist, to feel nothing, to not have to continue to suffer.
If goal is not to suffer, the answer is no.
No, Death is freedom.Death is comfort. Do yourself a face, do not say to people that life is a Gift.Enough lies.
Holy crap, I didn’t realize people were thinking the same morbid thoughts as I. What keeps me from cashing in my chips? My beloved kitty. My younger daughter said she’d take her in if anything would happen to me, but she is so skittish around anyone, I just can’t get myself to leave her–sometimes I resent her for still being alive so I can’t leave but then feel guilty because I love this cat. I think about offing myself several times a week; several times a day when I’m really depressed. I legit got jealous when a co-worker of mine got terminal cancer–she wants to live. I wish I could have taken it from her. If I feel a pain in my body, I hope it’s a disease to take me out. My eldest daughter doesn’t talk to me and keeps my 5 grandchildren away from me because she blames me for everything wrong in her life. In her defense, my personality has changed because of the depression and crippling anxiety but still no reason to keep my grandchildren from me. Those kids are my everything and it’s lonely w/o them. Loneliness is worse than the depression. Call the suicide hotline? Not me, I have social anxiety ha-ha. So, I just keep carrying on for Jaspurr, although that gets harder and harder every day.
What stops me. Is time.i need medicine to live.if I stop taking it. It takes time from not taking it to get to the end .I am totally disabled .live alone.have no real friends to hang out with. Noone ever comes over. I have no car so I’m stuck here. Can’t walk far cause of my disability. Takes forever to get anything done around here .have no help. Kids are grown and on their own.have 2 grandsons who live in a different city. Hardly get to see them.i have depression and anxiety and I been this way forever. I tried to suicide in the past due to loss and abuse .so time is what is stopping me
It’s only a moment…
Something in this world has gone horribly wrong in the last 2 years. Everyone I know seems to be hypnotized and brainwashed into believing that a virus is deadly enough to warrant having all of our rights and freedoms slowly stripped away. Every morning I wake up worrying if today is the day that I will be forced into taking an injection that I know full well will eventually cause me to become gravely ill or cause me to suffer a slow, uncomfortable and panful death. I know suicide is not the answer but right now it seems like the only solution. I cannot help but wonder if taking the injection is the “mark of the beast” John warned us about in the Bible in the Book of Revelations. In it, the Book of Revelations states that, without the mark of the beast, nobody, rich or poor, small or great, will be able to buy or sell – isn’t that exactly what’s happening right now with the vaccine passport system government’s around the world are trying to implement upon all of it’s citizens? The Bible states that once we take the mark we will be doomed to an eternity in hell – if this is true, wouldn’t my only escape be to suicide myself? And yet, to do so is a sin against God, and so, what other option do I have? Get vaccinated and risk an eternity in hell or suicide myself and hope that God forgives me for killing myself in order to avoid taking the mark of the beast. I do actually have a third option – choose to live and avoid taking the mark. By doing so, I risk a life of living on the streets and being mocked and ridiculed by my family, friends and coworkers, which perhaps is the path God wants me to take. I am literally damned if I do and damned if I don’t. What would you do if you were me?
You have two fears here – a hellish situation after you die or a hellish situation while you live on earth. There are two options – 1) Think about afterlife and spoil your current life or 2) Think about current life and leave the afterlife judgement to God. There are no guarantees about the afterlife. There are guarantees about the current – so take the injection.
There will be two outcomes – If you were to die after taking the injection, when you go up say this – “I took the injection to prevent the virus from spreading to the vulnerable population and save those people who might have died due to the virus due to their poor health”. You might be pardoned for your noble thought. If you die due to suicide, you will definitely be punished.
You can check also read about Dr. Peter Hotez from Texas. Educate yourself.
Hope. Self-love (not the sexual kind). Appreciation. Knowing that before you can die, you must live. Knowing that there is improvement scheduled. Understanding the mechanisms behind the urges, finding out that they were never yours but programmed through mainstream society and triggered by master manipulators.
I have tried sucide more than once. And the cause is the people i should be able to trust my parents and they tell made up stuff to everyone and alot of people hate me because of them. When someone told me i have no point in life and i never will so i should just die i told the person i will and eventually my parents found out because he told them. And they and everyone they have told stories to said he was right i don’t have a point. Other people are telling me i should be a writer since i write in my free time. Who is right? But i would give up pursuing my dreams to become a writer to escape this life. I almost did but before i took a whole bottle of pills my brother stoped me. but didn’t tell anyone about it. and now i am ready to try again. but i haven’t because of my boyfriend and a friend from school. But are they really enough or should i just die?
No you shouldnt just die. Follow your dreams of writing. Dont try and appraise what your life is worth based on your boyfriend or friends. People come and they go, and to make them the deciding factor of whether or not you live or die is not only dangerous but silly at the same time. Maybe they will be in your life forever, and I hope that they are if they are positive influences in your life. People like to lie and make up stories, and theyre just that stories, Ive had plenty made up about me. Dont show the people making them up that it bothers you, or even acknowledge it, when people ask you just tell them its made up and dont give the question any more thought. I think maybe you need to speak with a therapist and maybe work out any possible issues you may have. People can be cruel, and usually its because they envy something about you or they are hurting and want to take you down to make themselves feel better. Stay away from those people. I hope you take some of my advice. I too have made attempts and try to convince myself not to end it daily. By ending your life is letting them win. Go on to be a great writer and really stick it to them.
Don’t live for them, live for you. I have a really hard time saying this, but if I would have understood this sooner I would be in a much better spot now. For years I tried pouring my problems on my friends, having them bend over backwards for me, listening to my sad songs and giving me (maybe false) encouragement.. and this went on for years up until a couple weeks ago. Lifelong friends, the ones who said they had my back and loved me, finally had enough. And honestly now I am kind of glad, because I learned that living for other people that you think will be in your life forever, will just lead to more heartbreak and disappointment when they finally had enough of your BS or just simply change their minds. We only live our lives through our perspectives, and even typing this after just holding a rifle to my mouth 15 minutes ago, I can tell you that this life is our decision, and ending it does not solve anything. We have our whole lives ahead of us, our favorite foods to eat, the quirky and silly/touching things that happen now and again, the sensations we feel, the good things and the bad. Don’t depend on others to give you a reason to live, the answer is right in front of you. Live long, young soul <3
I live with clinical depression. I nearly died a few years ago. I can honestly say I hurt a lot But what keeps me alive is others. I don’t want to break my grandmothers heart, or the youth in my family. Sometimes you just got hold on and tell yourself tomorrow will be a better day. I have been telling myself this for nearly a decade.
and keep telling yourself that because it’s true
thank you for your post very much
It’s not always true though. It’s entirely possible that things will only get worse, and it’s insulting to deny that.
The only thing that has kept me here is my best friend. I don’t want to kill myself and see all the pain that she will go through because of me.
Alex,
I’m glad you’re here! No doubt your best friend is grateful, too.
Please keep in mind that you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 for help at any time.
I got released from the hospital yesterday after complaining about chest pain & shortness of breath . After many tests , they were content to agree that my extreme reflux disease was the cause of my discomfort . I was so happy to come home to my own bed & fell asleep immediately . I woke up this morning crying my eyes out !! I was so hoping my condition would have been Fatal . Yes , you read it correctly … I don’t have the courage to take my own life for the same reasons the others have stated. Afraid the attempt will fail & end up worse than before . BUT , not a day goes by where I haven’t wished an outside force would take my life …. heart attack , Covid , cancer . To add to my pain of living & something I haven’t seen addressed very much on this site . I’m battling with my Faith , of which has dwindled down to almost non existence & my inability to cope with every day situations . Have all the classic symptoms of deep depression . I go days without bathing , my house looks like a bomb exploded in every room , I no longer want to partake in any of my hobbies . The fact I battle with an auto-immune disease & need surgery on both feet ( making it almost impossible to walk ) has added to my struggle & yet , I can’t find the courage to “Off” myself .
I’m seeing a therapist , taken anti depressants , all of which don’t lessen the darkness of my thoughts . I have a support system made up of family & friends .who love me .. my therapist is really concerned & caring . So , what is Wrong with me ?? No matter what I try to do , to help me out of this black hole , & Lord knows I’ve tried everything … I can’t help wishing I could die & be reunited with my husband . I keep asking ” Where are you God “
God, my friend, is where he’s always been, he and our parents gave us life and it’s up to us to determine what we do with it.
“What’s wrong with ?” Nothing, some of us have diabetes, some of us have heart problems and some of us suffer from depression. (And no, I’m not going to say suck it up and live with it … that’s no help at all!)
I’m 73, have been depressed at various levels for all of my life – that I can remember. Like you, there are few days that I don’t go to bed with the prayer that God will allow me to not wake up … he doesn’t, I wake up to three dogs every morning.
Looking like a bomb went off … try that with three Huskies! My house looks like someone blew up a hairy mattress in it … and I clean when I need to; meaning when I run out of cups, I was one – maybe two or three and if I’m really adventurous I might even do all my dishes.
I’m not laughing at you; I’m not even really laughing … but I’ve found that for me making light of almost everything is my salvation. If I off myself (CTB – catch the bus) then I haven’t solved anything and for better or worse, I want to try to solve my problems (with 70+ years behind me, you’d think I’d realize they aren’t solvable) failing solving them then I figure I can just live with them – on the really bad days I take a dog and go for a walk … on a really good day I take a dog and go for a walk, it’s amazing what a walk with a four legged friend can do.
It’s not easy, no one ever said that life would be easy but even in the worst of it, I find something to live for … just one more minute, or one more hour and sometimes even one more day.
Take care of yourself.
//dragon
Anonymous,
I can see in your words how much you’re hurting, how much you want to die, and how much you’re questioning God. It’s good you’re not alone with these thoughts and feelings — you have your therapist, family, and friends — but I also see you’re feeling that’s not enough. I found Dragon’s response to you to be very wise. You might want to check out his online support group at chronicsuicidesupport.com. (You might not think of yourself as suicidal since you have no intent to try to end your own life, but wanting to be dead is itself considered a form of suicidal thoughts, as I discuss in this post: “Do You Wish You Could Go to Sleep and Never Wake Up?“)
Take care, and thanks for sharing here!
Stacey , this missive is directly to you . I don’t know if it’s relevant to the others but your words in response to my reply about “why I haven’t ended my life ” hit me like a TON of bricks . Shouted out to me like a neon sign !! You acknowledged my overwhelming pain . You indicated ( as kindly as you could ) that having the wonderful support group that surrounds me … It still was not enough for me to over ride my dilemma .
You gave me a figurative Slap in the Face !! How grateful I am … thank you.
I’ve read the real , sorrowful , lonely conditions of the contributors on this site . The ones that ripped me up were those who live in cars , are homeless & unemployed, have no family or friends !! No family or friends to talk to !! It hurt my heart so much ,I had to cry . I’m so full of Shame ,I realized I have no right to utter another word to this site . My eyes were made to see … I must Run to my family members who love me , I must run to my friends who haven’t abandoned me in my time of crisis & I must hold out my hand & heart to everyone who is remotely suffering in they way the contributors to your site are . Above all , I apologize to all who read this . I’m fortunate to have been made to see …. I am Blessed
Anonymous,
I’m delighted that my words helped you. At the same time, I merely was reflecting what you’d said in your post: you shared what terrible pain you were in and said you have a loving family, friends, and a caring therapist but still can’t get out of the “black hole.”
While I’m grateful that my words helped you, I’m worried they might have helped you in a way I didn’t intend. That is, I didn’t intend to convey that you have no right to feel bad, or that your problems don’t amount to much compared to people in worse straits than you, or that you “should” feel better since you have care and support from others. Above all, I didn’t intend for you to feel shame about wanting to die. I didn’t intend to convey any of that, because I don’t believe any of that.
Pain is relative. Even if there are people who hurt worse than you, it doesn’t make your pain go away. I often compare this to two people sitting on a park bench. Somebody drives by and shoots them both. One is hit in the head, the other in the leg. The person who had a hot bullet tear through their leg’s skin and muscle doesn’t stop hurting when they realize how much worse off the person next to them is. They each hurt, regardless of their prognosis.
If putting your problems in perspective and recognizing you’re loved by others helps you, please, by all means, savor the solace those acts provide. I’m thrilled that they help you. But if you find over time that your emotional pain returns (or persists) even after you’ve made these changes, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, or have failed, or are deserving of shame. It means only that you’re hurting, and you’re deserving of compassion.
Thanks for sharing here!
Stacey, I must respond once more . I’m not naive enough to think my pain will vanish entirely just because my eyes were made to SEE . My pain is very much alive as I write but at the same time I’ve been strengthened to the point I’m more capable of moving forward . Contributing to the site & reading the other comments has made me feel liberated in a way I haven’t been able to grasp until now . No family or friend or therapist can cut through the pain . I will still come home to an empty house … will always lament my husband’s absence . When you perceive you life to be Perfect … it is , indeed , perfect . You can’t attain anything above perfection . My shame comes from being so self absorbed I forgot what it is like to have empathy toward others & more than that … Gratitude !!
I can now concentrate on things that are outside of myself , with the understanding that by experiencing the value of Your site , I’ve grown . While I’ll never fully adjust to life without my husband … or the pain that lives inside , ,always … & cry for my loss – I can , perhaps , comfort someone in their time of need . Thank You , Anonymous
Anonymous,
I am grateful to you for sharing here again. I’d worried that you’d viewed my initial comments as shaming you or guilting you into being grateful. I see now that that’s not the case. Your comment above makes clear that you’re not denying your own pain. Instead, it’s evident that witnessing others’ suffering on this site has opened the door for you to profound compassion, empathy, and gratitude. What a gift!
How sad that your husband died. I’m very sorry for your loss. Kristin Neff, a psychologist who writes about self-compassion, has developed an exercise that underscores how our suffering connects us to all people and is a gateway to compassion. I think it might interest you. You can find it at self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/.
Thank you so much for checking in here again! It’s wonderful to see when this site touches another person, and it has touched you deeply.
yeah i just have my boyfreind that keeps me alive
The fear of failing to kill myself, resulting in not only hours of agonizing pain, but also being left in a vegetative state, is what scares me the most. The embarrassment would be pretty awful as well, I suppose.
ntNull,
Those fears stop many people from acting on their suicidal thoughts. And a great deal of those people are happy, in the months or years to come, that their fears deterred them. (Having said that, I wish that embarrassment weren’t one of people’s fears, because I don’t view a suicide attempt as embarrassing. But I know that’s the reality for many.)
The only thing that stops me from killing myself, is the possibility of failure. Every day is absolute torture. Counselling, meds, and a supportive family, have not enabled me to overcome my desire to end my life. Going for a run, or watching a funny movie, isn’t going to fix me.