“I want to kill myself.”
Those five words are a shock to hear, a dreadful pronouncement from a friend or family member you do not want to lose. You recoil at the thought. How could they want to die?
As unwelcome as those words are to your ears, your loved one has handed you a gift. He or she is letting you in. By telling you they want to die, they are giving you the opportunity to help.
What you say next is very important. It could lead to your friend or family member letting you in even more – or shutting the door. Understandably you are full of emotion, and you might have many thoughts, some helpful, some not.
Here are 10 common responses that can discourage the person from telling you more. First, a caveat: In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.
- “How could you think of suicide? Your life’s not that bad.” Perhaps on the outside the suicidal person’s life does not seem “that bad.” The pain lies underneath. It can greatly help a suicidal person to feel understood. This sort of statement conveys disbelief and judgment, not understanding.
- “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.
- “Suicide is selfish.” This inspires more guilt. Two points are important here. One, many people who seriously consider suicide actually think they are burdening their family by staying alive. So, in their distressed, perhaps even mentally ill state of mind, they would be helping their loved ones by freeing them of this burden. Two, isn’t it a natural response to excruciating pain to think of escaping the torment? (I write more about this in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die by Suicide?”)
- “Suicide is cowardly.” This inspires shame. It also does not really make sense. Most people fear death. While I hesitate to call suicide brave or courageous, overcoming the fear of death does not strike me as cowardly, either.
- “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” Often said out of anxiety or fear, this message is invalidating and dismissive. Presume that the person really does mean that they want to die. It does more harm to dismiss someone who is truly suicidal than it does to take someone seriously who is not suicidal, so why not just take everyone seriously?
- “You have so much to live for.” In some contexts, this kind of statement might be a soothing reminder of abundance and hope. But for many people who think of suicide and do not at all feel they have much to live for, this remark can convey a profound lack of understanding.
- “Things could be worse.” Yes, things could be worse, but that knowledge does not inspire joy or hope. I compare it to two people who are stabbed, one in the chest, one in the leg. It is far worse to be stabbed in the chest, but that does not make the pain go away for the person stabbed in the leg. It still hurts. A lot. So even if people who think of suicide have many good things going for them, even if their lives could be far worse, they still experience a seemingly intolerable situation that makes them want to die.
- “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die.” True, and your loved one may well have already considered this with shame. People who want to die often compare themselves to others and come up wanting. They may even feel defective or broken. Comparing them to others who cope better, or who simply are lucky enough to never have suicidal thoughts, may only worsen their self-condemnation.
- “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I do know people, especially teens, for whom this statement was tremendously helpful. It spoke to them. But it also communicates that the person’s problems are temporary, when they might be anything but. In such a situation, a realistic goal for the person might be to learn to cope with problems and to live a meaningful life in spite of them. The other problem with this statement is it conveys that suicide is a solution – permanent, yes, and a solution. At a minimum, I recommend changing the word “solution” to “act” or “action,” simply to avoid reinforcing that suicide does indeed solve problems.
- “You will go to hell if you die by suicide.” Your loved one has likely already thought of this possibility. Maybe they do not believe in hell. Maybe they believe the god they believe in will forgive their suicide. Regardless, their wish to die remains. Telling them they will go to hell can exacerbate feelings of alienation.
Again, any or all of the thoughts and emotions above may come to you. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad to have such reactions.
After all, you are human. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that come to you. You can only control what you say or do in response to your thoughts and feelings.
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts to you, your words and actions can help the suicidal person to feel less alone and, as a result, hopeful. Good questions to ask yourself are, “How can what I want to say help this person? How can it do harm?”
Your answer may mean the difference between the person feeling judged and even more alone – or accepted and understood.
What If You’ve Already Said the “Wrong” Thing to a Suicidal Person?
I suspect that if I stopped this post here, I would receive frantic emails from people who already reacted in ways that were not especially helpful or understanding. Their fear and anxiety may have spilled out when they heard their friend or family member express a desire to die.
That fear and anxiety are understandable. So are the reactions above. But what to do when what has been said cannot be unsaid?
My advice? Try again. Go back to the person and say that you realize you did not respond helpfully, that you are frightened by the possibility of their dying by suicide, but you want to set aside your fears and understand better their wish to die so that you can be a listening ear, a partner in their struggle, an ally who helps them feel less alone and hopeless.
And then it can be helpful to ask some of the most important words of all, “How can I help?”
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UPDATE 10/3/2017: I just discovered another post, written before mine, with a list of 10 things to avoid saying to a suicidal person. It’s an excellent list, and I recommend reading it at purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-suicidal-person/.
© Copyright 2015 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
Let me start by saying, this article, and the one on “what not to say….” Are a real eye opener. My husband is a manic depressant and has talked (and attempted) suicide. I have said many of the wrong things… And I wondered “WHY” he still confides in me. I will use the good ones.. And make sure that when I speak to him, when he has these thoughts, that I am as empathetic as I can possibly be. Thank you!
this helped a bit im 12 years old and I still want to commit suicide but my girlfriend and only a couple of friends and some staff of my school knows every single night I cry myself to sleep bc I am depressed and suicidal I don’t want my parents or any body who knows me to know that im like this I need serious help I cant get these thoughts off of my mind and they are getting closer and they are really starting to hurt me people say that I am important in this world and that I have a purpose in this world but then I ask them that what is my purpose how am I important in this world I feel like no one cares about me and I feel like im empty I just hate this feeling I don’t want to think about this anymore people always ask are you ok but then I say yes and im always hiding a smile and this always hurts when I know that people are thinking that im ok and that im happy even though im not ok and that I am always sad and always depressed there is no one I can trust I just don’t want to have feelings or any more I don’t want to be like this anymore no one has every tried to talk me out of killing myself but my friend daiden he is the only person who has stopped me from killing myself if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have been here right now but he didn’t stop me from having the thoughts that I am having I really don’t feel like anybody cares I just feel like I don’t belong in this world im so sad.
Anonymous,
What you’re feeling is so sad and painful. But here’s the deal: you don’t want anybody to know how much you’re hurting, and yet you are hurt that they don’t care about how much you’re hurting. How can they show you they care if they don’t know?
Along the same lines, you want help not thinking this way but you don’t want your parents to know what you’re thinking. How can they know you need help if they don’t know what you’re thinking and how much you’re hurting?
It’s great your friend is helping you. It sounds like you also need help from others. Please consider telling your parents or another adult you trust like a relative or teacher or doctor. Please also consider calling the national hotline at 800-273-8255 or using the text line at 741-741.
You can get help if you let others help you!
This is so good, thank you for sharing this. I was near committing suicide when I was young and told my friend and she responded so very well, and was always there for me. Because of her, I’m alive today.
Cayana,
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you’re still here!
Cayana,
Just out of curiosity what brought you to speaking of Suicide all these years later?
When I was reaching out to during a serious suicidal thought process….I was told that I am “the neediest person she knows” that I should “get a life” that I should stop posting on IG, FB and other SM. Refused answering the call when I called 3 times to talk. Never answered. Told I am the most selfish person who doesn’t think of anyone but myself.
This was my sister’s response.
In my my very ill-knowledged opinion, I feel like most things in this article are helpful but I feel like making the person empowered to do something is very important, they need to know their worth and value for them to be independent, I feel some of these things must be said to empower these individuals, as from my experience they’re down as they don’t feel like they belong in the world and they aren’t good enough for themselves or anyone else, and because of this they even malnourish themselves, and without being able to tell them they matter with such a quote as “you have so much to live for” it won’t allow them to think about their worth and that with work their situation will get better, and that with proper treatment and or procedures, etc. That they can function and that, if they do fall into this pit again, they can build themselves out of it, as I feel that these are individuals that are and have been broken and need and can be fixed but it’s up to them and their mindset and without them realizing what they can do, they can’t do it, no matter what other people say. I hope my point was clear and didn’t offend, but as I’ve said this is from my experience of a big dysfunctional family and a few close to me that are a bit broken as well.
Joe,
I appreciate your sharing your perspective. You’re right, the phrases listed in this article can be helpful to some; the delivery seems to be key. To say “You have so much to live for” can be dismissive and invalidating in many circumstances, but for some people it might be the reminder they need. That’s why I was careful to state up front, “In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.” From your comment above, you have a lot of empathy for people in pain, so your saying “You have so much to live for” might be very different from someone who says it as a means to avoid understanding.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it!