“I want to kill myself.”
Those five words are a shock to hear, a dreadful pronouncement from a friend or family member you do not want to lose. You recoil at the thought. How could they want to die?
As unwelcome as those words are to your ears, your loved one has handed you a gift. He or she is letting you in. By telling you they want to die, they are giving you the opportunity to help.
What you say next is very important. It could lead to your friend or family member letting you in even more – or shutting the door. Understandably you are full of emotion, and you might have many thoughts, some helpful, some not.
Here are 10 common responses that can discourage the person from telling you more. First, a caveat: In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.
- “How could you think of suicide? Your life’s not that bad.” Perhaps on the outside the suicidal person’s life does not seem “that bad.” The pain lies underneath. It can greatly help a suicidal person to feel understood. This sort of statement conveys disbelief and judgment, not understanding.
- “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.
- “Suicide is selfish.” This inspires more guilt. Two points are important here. One, many people who seriously consider suicide actually think they are burdening their family by staying alive. So, in their distressed, perhaps even mentally ill state of mind, they would be helping their loved ones by freeing them of this burden. Two, isn’t it a natural response to excruciating pain to think of escaping the torment? (I write more about this in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die by Suicide?”)
- “Suicide is cowardly.” This inspires shame. It also does not really make sense. Most people fear death. While I hesitate to call suicide brave or courageous, overcoming the fear of death does not strike me as cowardly, either.
- “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” Often said out of anxiety or fear, this message is invalidating and dismissive. Presume that the person really does mean that they want to die. It does more harm to dismiss someone who is truly suicidal than it does to take someone seriously who is not suicidal, so why not just take everyone seriously?
- “You have so much to live for.” In some contexts, this kind of statement might be a soothing reminder of abundance and hope. But for many people who think of suicide and do not at all feel they have much to live for, this remark can convey a profound lack of understanding.
- “Things could be worse.” Yes, things could be worse, but that knowledge does not inspire joy or hope. I compare it to two people who are stabbed, one in the chest, one in the leg. It is far worse to be stabbed in the chest, but that does not make the pain go away for the person stabbed in the leg. It still hurts. A lot. So even if people who think of suicide have many good things going for them, even if their lives could be far worse, they still experience a seemingly intolerable situation that makes them want to die.
- “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die.” True, and your loved one may well have already considered this with shame. People who want to die often compare themselves to others and come up wanting. They may even feel defective or broken. Comparing them to others who cope better, or who simply are lucky enough to never have suicidal thoughts, may only worsen their self-condemnation.
- “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I do know people, especially teens, for whom this statement was tremendously helpful. It spoke to them. But it also communicates that the person’s problems are temporary, when they might be anything but. In such a situation, a realistic goal for the person might be to learn to cope with problems and to live a meaningful life in spite of them. The other problem with this statement is it conveys that suicide is a solution – permanent, yes, and a solution. At a minimum, I recommend changing the word “solution” to “act” or “action,” simply to avoid reinforcing that suicide does indeed solve problems.
- “You will go to hell if you die by suicide.” Your loved one has likely already thought of this possibility. Maybe they do not believe in hell. Maybe they believe the god they believe in will forgive their suicide. Regardless, their wish to die remains. Telling them they will go to hell can exacerbate feelings of alienation.
Again, any or all of the thoughts and emotions above may come to you. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad to have such reactions.
After all, you are human. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that come to you. You can only control what you say or do in response to your thoughts and feelings.
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts to you, your words and actions can help the suicidal person to feel less alone and, as a result, hopeful. Good questions to ask yourself are, “How can what I want to say help this person? How can it do harm?”
Your answer may mean the difference between the person feeling judged and even more alone – or accepted and understood.
What If You’ve Already Said the “Wrong” Thing to a Suicidal Person?
I suspect that if I stopped this post here, I would receive frantic emails from people who already reacted in ways that were not especially helpful or understanding. Their fear and anxiety may have spilled out when they heard their friend or family member express a desire to die.
That fear and anxiety are understandable. So are the reactions above. But what to do when what has been said cannot be unsaid?
My advice? Try again. Go back to the person and say that you realize you did not respond helpfully, that you are frightened by the possibility of their dying by suicide, but you want to set aside your fears and understand better their wish to die so that you can be a listening ear, a partner in their struggle, an ally who helps them feel less alone and hopeless.
And then it can be helpful to ask some of the most important words of all, “How can I help?”
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UPDATE 10/3/2017: I just discovered another post, written before mine, with a list of 10 things to avoid saying to a suicidal person. It’s an excellent list, and I recommend reading it at purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-suicidal-person/.
© Copyright 2015 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
This is so very important. Especially in a country like India where topics like Mental Health are shoved under the rug. It is very important for us to take care that the topic of suicide is not downplayed and come off as insensitive. These tips are very useful and to be considered before talking to a person who feels suicidal.
We at IPH, Pune are fighting for the destigmatization of mental health issues.
thank you for posting
What about when your suicidal loved one was taken to the hospital because of her suicidal-ness? If she feels betrayed and like she’ll never forgive you? How can you work with her, assuming she allows you to, when something she asks is inadvisable? When she feels a lack of control in her life is a contributing factor and you took it away by calling the police? What resources are out there for spouses of suicidal people? (Good resource, that is. )
Since my friend committed suicide despite our conversations, I may not be helpful in how to intervene. But it seems to me, that it is the belief that the pain will not diminish and the situation will not improve in the future that motivates suicide. If the person enduring the pain can be convinced that the future holds promise that they cannot see whilst in their present state, then they will have justification for continuing to live, and suffer, while working toward or waiting for the coming reprieve. In my friend’s case, I was not able to convince him that there was a future, in which he’d look back on the present, and be pleased that he had not killed himself.
I have lost my ability to function. Can’t even take a shower or even coordinate going to a store , eating I feel like I’m living prepared to die. I have three kids but all I think is I want to die. I spend the whole day on my phone searching for suicide tips. My family are supportive but mind is not supporting. Wish I do not feel this way but I’m really feeling that way.
I feel your pain everyday of my miserable life. My family is not at all supportive and tell me the classic lines like just get over it/ it could always be worse. They don’t understand I can’t easily flip the switch. I have four boys, one is grown and 3 are with me. If it weren’t for them I would be gone. I worry about them, where would they go, my family basically pushed them to the side like the black sheep family member, who is me. I tried many times to end it, but guess what, I even failed at that.