Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Thank. For help. God. Bless. Angel
Thanks Carl, those are very kind thoughts. I am still not hopeful but I will read the book.
Hello Angelina, thank you for your message! I know what you mean about feeling alone and isolated. I know that there are childhood trauma support groups out there but I have not found any near me. So I would like to recommend an excellent book to you, “The Courage to Heal, A guide for Women Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Ellen Bass. It is a very good book that has women’s survival stories from childhood sexual abuse. Those stories may help you to not feel so isolated. I read it because, well because guys don’t talk about this and I was desperate to find some connection with others and have some perspective on my own experience.
I want you to know that you are an incredible person! How do I know this? Because I could not even bear to think about my childhood till later on in life when I was thankfully forced to face it or die. It was like waiting till the night before the final exam to start studying. But here you are, still in high school and having the great courage to face it! Positive quotes on your wall! Searching to heal yourself! Who are you!?! Most of us ignore it, stuff it, get stuck in addictions to manage it, until our lives are completely falling apart. You are so inspiring to me and I feel that you will inspire and help so many people that are suffering because of your great courage and determination to heal yourself.
I love the quote you shared because it refers to the faith we can have in finding our life’s purpose. Here are some of my favorite quotes. “Don’t believe everything you think.” “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” “Letting go is to give up the hope for a better past.” and “Today I am going to screw up and I’m okay with it.”
Carl
The hope box is a really helpful idea. Thank you
I am a 55 year old female with a good professional job. I have been depressed since age 12 due to sadistic emotional abuse as a child. In my experience it is harder to talk myself out of suicidal thoughts which each new onset of depression, since there is less and less evidence that hope for the future is valid. Depression is forever.
Hello Lisa. I can completely relate to the feeling that the depression and suicidal thoughts will never end. After much therapy I finally realized that I had absorbed or internalized so much toxic shame and negative beliefs from my childhood abusers that I had never been able to create my self-worth and happiness. This is absolutely normal for anyone who has lived through abuse. We were so vulnerable as children, and they can be so cruel. I never told my parents of the sexual abuse or physical abuse. I completely internalized what they told me, that I was a bad person, that I deserved to be punished, that I should die. That no one would ever love me if they knew the truth about me.
But two years ago I read a book that changed my cycle of depression and self-hate. Its called THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. In his book he teaches us how to live in the present where our fears of the future cannot hurt us, where our anxiety and pain over the past no longer sabotages us. We are not our minds. Yes my mind continues to have negative thought patterns from my childhood and PTSD but I can look at those thoughts now without being constantly pulled into mental drama, self destruction and depression like before.
We don’t have to believe everything we think. We don’t have to identify with the mind. I’m not trying to say that this is easy but with work and mindfulness it can be done. Please read the book, it was a lifesaver for me. I really can’t believe that I am still here. Yes I still get triggered into my emotional mind which wants to destroy me, but I now know that I can get back to the present where the mind can’t torment me.
Best wishes,
Carl
Lisa and Carl,
I’m with you both. 63 year old woman, worked in IT most of my life. I love programming computers and started it back when it was a new thing.
But I suffered disabling bouts of depression and suicidality. Years of meds and therapy helped a lot, yet the depression would come back. Eventually I got to the point where I was always thinking of suicide.
Also read that Eckhart Tolle book, Carl, and it’s wonderful. But I have actually been practicing mindfulness since I was in college. It’s necessary. But I think my brain was too messed up, and the depression came back as recently as last summer. I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital in Pittsburgh and requested ECT. Yes, ECT. My mother had it in the late 1950s and later told me she preferred it to medication. Even as bad as it was then.
ECT got rid of my preoccupation with suicide. I still have some troubles, but I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t even understand why I ever did. What a blessing!
God bless you both.
Pam
So true Lisa, I’ve lived with depression all my life. I was born like it.
Lisa – I am a 64 year old woman who has been depressed and suicidal since I was very young also. The best time in my life was the 9 years I moved in to take care of my Mother. She and I became best friends before she died.
Now I am alone. I have no friends, no spouse, and no children. I am ready for my life to be over.
Thanks for listening.
hi. My name is Angelina. i have been suffering with suicidal thought since 6th grade and i am now in 10th grade this year. i am right now 15 feb is my birthday which is not to far away. my bio dad has sexually abused me when i was in 6th grade yes he is locked up and is facing a lot of charges. i have been to many treatments and i still have the thoughts to hurt myself or to kill myself. if theres anyone out there that has found something that has helped them then please comment and let me know thanks.
Hi Angelina, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was 7 and 8 when I was sexually abused and I assure you that you are absolutely normal for what you have lived through. We just have to learn how to cope and heal. The best thing I’ve done for myself is to do EMDR therapy to rewrite those horrible traumatic moments of my life, and to do yoga. You can follow a yoga session on Youtube. It helps peoples like us who were physically and sexually abused to learn to re-inhabit our bodies. When I start to have suicidal and self hurt thoughts, they can become so overwhelming. I wrote myself an affirmation to read when these thoughts attack and try to destroy me. They are positive thoughts that I want to believe about myself. They are my attempts to push the shame I feel away and put it back on those who really deserve it. Here is my affirmation as an example for you but you may want personalize it for yourself.
The Voices Within
My life has been a mystery, but is now becoming clear.
I seek courage, day by day, to change the voices within me.
The harmful voices I hear are but shadows of the past, and are false.
I now know that the abusive voices were from those who abused me.
Hurt and pain from others fuels the voices that I should not live.
I no longer accept to carry their hurt and shame. I release it now.
It is carried shame from others that fuels the voices that I should hurt myself.
I no longer accept to carry their hurt and shame. I release it now.
It was the burden of suffering with these voices and pain that fueled my urge to act out.
I now know the truth and commit this day to treat myself with the love and respect I deserve.
I am committed to solving the mystery of my life.
I will study, attend therapy, self-sooth, exercise and meditate to heal myself.
I am at peace with these voices because I know that they have transformed me into the kind, loving, non-judgmental and accepting person that I am today.
I can calmly hear these voices, because I now know they are a compass to healing my Inner Child and disowned selves.
I allow my life to unfold with each lesson that my Inner Twin teaches me.
I am guided in my every step by Inner Twin who reveals to me what I must know and do.
I have the courage today to be like water and escape the sting of these abusive voices.
I have the courage today to change my inner voices to those of peace and love for myself.
I am a work in progress and am patient in my recovery, however long it takes.
I know that the Universe intends a happy and meaningful life for me and I accept it now.
My life is just beginning!
What beautiful and meaningful affirmations, Carl. Thank you for sharing! Helping others is a powerful way to find meaning in one’s own suffering, which can be healing for both the helper and the person they are trying to help.
hi Carl!!
thank you so much for your input. i am glad i can relate to someone. i know it happens to more people then we think but sometimes you still feel like your alone when you cant always have someone there with you 24 7. I really love your writing idea. thank you so much for your loving message. I hope your doing well. I also found that putting positive quotes around your room helps as well i am a BIG quote person. one of my favs right now is… I know im good for something but i just haven’t found it yet.
Hi Angelina, I just read your post and I am very sorry this happened to you. I was not sexually abused, however my mother would hit me many times, and told me she hated me, she was very verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. She had told me many times she wished I died at birth. I have the same thoughts you do and I believe it is from too much pent up anger, shame etc. You have to remember none of this is your fault, your father had something wrong with him, maybe he was abused himself? What I do is I try to give it over to GOD and forgive (forgiving doesn’t mean you are saying it ok with what they did, forgiving is saying, yes it happens, it wasn’t right, I’m hurt, but I can’t change it and I choose to move past it. From this moment on, tell yourself “I love myself” “I love myself” you can say you don’t like what happened, but I love myself/I choose to love myself. Be your own best friend. Say to yourself what you would say to a friend that came to you and told you her father did to her what yours did to you. This world needs you, there are people out there that need you, be a friend to someone who needs one. Like this article says, leave yourself notes. Here are some examples “I love myself” “I matter” “I count” “God loves me” “Jesus loves me” “People care about me” “I am a survivor” “Never give up” “One day at a time” “I deserve to live” “I can do this” Also go outside, enjoy things around you, enjoy the sun, sky, clouds, flowers, birds, just nature in general. At night enjoy the moon, stars. Know that God created it all and HE loves you. I don’t know you but I care!
I’ve thought feelings of wanting to die for 15 years….i have taken an overdose of 100 10mg [pills] at the age of 16, was on life support for four days and spent 12 weeks in a mental health ward. I have had help from various mental health teams then at the age of 21 took heroin for the first time as an overdose… Sadly it didn’t kill me but just eased the pain and now I’m an addict receiving treatment. At the age of 27 I attached my self to the power cable of the train lines and spent six months recovering… I just can’t seem to die….look at what I have done to all my loved ones it sickens me. Yet I feel I am forced into existence. Evil things I think of and evil hallucinations have plagued me all my life. What’s the point of this. I have had the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and now pd. I just know I’m a defect that needs to be killed so now I have sourced someone to end this for everyone the wait to die is painful but knowing it’s soon fills me with joy.
Hello, waiting.
I hope you are still with us, even though I understand the feeling of joy at the prospect of dying.
I’m 63, and I have lived with depression and suicidality since I was 13. That’s when I tried to kill myself. 50 years. You can do this.
I wanted to let you know what helped me. Years of meds and therapy helped me, but the depression would always come back. Eventually I got to the point where I was always thinking of suicide.
Last summer I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital in Pittsburgh and requested ECT. Yes, ECT. My mother had it in the late 1950s and later told me she preferred it to medication. Even as bad as it was then.
ECT got rid of my preoccupation with suicide. I still have some troubles, but I don’t want to kill myself. I remember making plans and ruminating over them. But that now seems so foreign to me.
Whatever you do, I hope you find some relief. You are not alone.
Pam
Please,please don’t. I wanted someone to tell me don’t do it but I couldn’t even utter the words. Here you are actually able to express yourself when I couldn’t! You don’t deserve to die! Everything is available to heal you so don’t give up. I came back from the edge, so can you! You can’t seem to die because you are not meant to. You can process your life, EMDR, CBT, DBT and more is available to you. The mind wants to keep us in the past which can be unbearable, but you are not your mind, you are not your past, you are so much more. Study mindfulness so that you can just watch your thoughts come and go without them hijacking you. Please hang on. Carl
I feel like I want to die. I keep reading about suicide hoping that I’d change my mind.
I feel helpless about everything. I’ve reached out to people, to my loved ones, they did care for a second but then … nothing. It felt like I was just a bad weather passing. I don’t think they took me seriously at all.
I’m really depressed. I wanted to tell someone important but things went wrong. I wasn’t able to say anything about my concern. That someone even got mad at me. Now we’re not talking. I thought of that note in this post “You Matter”. I don’t feel like I do, to that someone and to my family. It made me more depressed.
I went through a lot of depressing scenarios but this time I really can’t take it. All I think of is dying.
My world is falling apart.
Hi, Bluegirl,
It really sucks when loved ones don’t understand.
The problem, as you may know, is that they just don’t have a clue. It’s not that they don’t care; it’s that they have not experienced the devastation of having your world fall apart. I think they are literally incapable of helping you because of that.
But there are so many of us who do understand. And who have come through it alive. The depression may come and go, but you continue to be an important person. You DO matter. It’s just that you haven’t figured out HOW you matter yet. That may take a while, but I believe it will happen.
Maybe your world is/was falling apart so the pieces can rearrange themselves in a beautiful new way. I hope you are well.
Pam
I’ve always suffered from depression, and lately it’s only gotten worse. I didn’t know that reinforcement could help a lot. I’ll have to see if I can get a book or something that can give me some encouragement.
Braden i feel you. you just got to know that there is people out there for you and that its going to be hard and if it passes you can help other people that may have the same problems. i mean im here. i love to help people and im not doing the best right now as well i cant trust people its hard for me to open up to people but im here for you…
This is such a great question:
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
I would say: fair enough, completely understandable. But it makes me enraged that you are in so much pain and so few people can help you.
That the denial and silence about child abuse, especially child rape, is so constant and isolating.
That hardly any counselors can assist people who were severely, chronically abused as children.
That this is because for a hundred years psychiatrists have colluded with perpetrators and the denial of society to label us deficient, borderline, maladaptive, wrong, liars, crazy.
When they could have been understanding trauma and disassociation and helping us instead of harming us.
That this has served perpetrators and the perpetrators are winning every time one of us kills ourselves.
So please, let your anger rise up and turn into fury and use that fury to stay alive.
That’s what I would say.