Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Hi all
Like many people, I’m dealing with hardcore feelings of depression and suicide after a major breakup in february. This guy was the love of my life.. at least I thought he was… He left me because of his selfsearching path in his faith.. he’s a hardcore christian since a couple of months. He had a job and all and lost it all and then, after I helped him through it all, he found peace and resource in his pratice of his faith.
So we went separate ways, as he felt he needed to be alone to deal with all of his soul searching, and thinking I wasnt the right one for him since im not as religious as him. It killed me. I would have given anything for him. We also had a abortion in the very beginning of our relationship, it brought us closer.
But since we split up, I’ve lost my will to live, I dont see how I could love someone again. I wonder where the confident, happy and strong woman that I was is now.. To find out that the man you loved so much thinks of you as “not religious or good enough” for him is terrible. I feel like he hid this part of him. from me. He’s said that he was married to his mom (still lives with her at 33) and that he has no choice but to leave the country to manage the move out of their home when (if) he comes back.
I feel like I’ve helped him so much to discover himself…and now Im left alone, without him by my side. I cant stop crying and feeling not worthy of love. As terrible as it sounds. He was the light of my days, now we have no contact at all. I feel like the guy that I used to know is long gone.
We were talking about moving in together.. but he last told me he couldnt live with someone before mariage.. so many lies…
Im lost.
Hi dear Anonymous.
2 years after your message, I hope that you’re still part of this (fucked up)world…
I can relate to your story, because 6 years ago I met the woman I had been looking for so long, spent 5 marvellous years together, then last year (in october 2017), she told me she needed a break, to finally let me know a week before X-mas that our story was over.
About a month and a half later, I found out she’s fucking with a guy who’s been harassing her for a couple of years at the gym (and who’s much younger than us, as I’m 39, she’s 40, and he’s only 28).
Since that day, I’ve been filling my body and spirit with booze, crack, and heroin (although I stopped all that shit 15 years ago), hoping to die everyday just to stop the physical and mental pain.
Yet, I gotta confess I’m a bit scared to die, and as I have no sister, or brother, I’m afraid to let my mother with my dumb stepfather, knowing her, I can’t picture her living through this…
Most of my friends turned their backs few months ago, and I’ve never felt so lonely and desperate, crying every single day, from the moment I wake up til the time I try to sleep.
Sometimes I have no meal for several days, as I happen not to have a shower in a week, although I’m a “metrosexual” kinda guy.
I stopped laughing to tears as I usually did along with my ex (not only was she beautiful, smart, strong, but also so funny)
Suicide has become the last solution for me, I can’t undergo days and months filled with regrets and sadness any longer…
28 years he is? Wow, that is evil! Why be with a woman twelve years your senior …? How does this have any future? Destroying an existing relationship …? The selfishness of some people is almost frightening.
I find no purpose in my life anymore. I’ve reached out for help. I’ve reached out to my mother who is a therapist, I’ve received nothing. I don’t know where to turn. I have nothing left, my wife and kids are gone my job sucks. The voice in my head that’s supposed to be the voice of reason is now voicing opinions of how I should just end it all. I hate this voice in my head I want it to stop!
Jason, I feel the same way. I have gotten better in the past and I try to keep hoping I will get better again. But I think of suicide every day, even when I’m healthy. I guess I’ve just been thinking about it so long that it seems like an old friend. It is also my Plan B.
I have found real help in coping by reading a site titled “Suicide – read this first.” Google will find it for you.
I also have a blog to which I publish haphazardly, http://www.PricklyPam.com. Maybe you could find something helpful there, just to know you are not alone.
If you’re not already, I’d strongly suggest meeting with a therapist and a psychiatrist. In my experience, you need both.
God bless you, Jason.
Pam
My precious loving husband of 35 years died of cancer. I don’t want to go on without him. I really do wish it was me instead.
Im…need help… the feeling of wanted to die is much stronger in me….i giving up on school …i started to abandoned my school… i did tell people about my depression …im seeking support and help but instead i get the opposite… evrynight i can’t sleep well..nowadays i tend to get too angry and easily hit anything to and hurt my hand…
Im alone, ive lost my purpose. my children are grown and argumenttive and think im an asshole.
W.
I can appreciate your thoughts. When I am feeling the same way I struggle for days. If you can, try to do a good deed or help a stranger, neighbour or friend. Something that you see thankfulness in heir eyes will fill you up with hope. Sometimes to help ourselves we must help another.
Please dont feel alone. My kids dont really want me in their lives either. I feel your pain. But one day they will need you and want you. You wouldnt want them to be all alone in this world without their mum. Dont give up ?❤
Your not an asshole.
[Crumbling is not an instant’s Act] – Emily Dickinson
Crumbling is not an instant’s Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation’s processes
Are organized Decays –
‘Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust –
Ruin is formal – Devil’s work
Consecutive and slow –
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping – is Crash’s law –
To make yourself something less than you can be-that too is a form of suicide.(benjamin lichtenberg)
”in a sense,both memory and imagination are a negation of time”(vladimir nabokov);”it’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.”(lewis carroll);”i am certain of nothing but the holiness of the Heart’s affections and the truth of Imagination.”(keats)
“The slave is doomed to worship time and fate and death, because they are greater than anything he finds in himself, and because all his thoughts are of things which they devour.”
―Bertrand Russell
I forgot to mention Queen of the night aria-Der Hoelle Rache;Edda Moser’s and Lucia Popp’s interpretations are the best in my opinion.Also in my opinion,the music(ever so relaxing) and the lyrics(a cry for blood and vengeance) don’t match,so perhaps you could try listening to the aria without reading the translation.Doll Song(joan sutherland0,Shadow Song(maria callas),Flower Duet(Mady Mesple),Fruehlinsstimmenwalzer(ingeborg hallstein),Lied der Nachtigall(ingeborg hallstein),Mein Herr Marquis(anneliese rothenberger)Habanera(maria callas)Caro nome(rita streich)Da tempeste(joan sutherland and lucia popp) are also worth a try.Knowing the lyrics isn’t essential,the music,very beautiful and accesible,does everything.everything can be found on youtube for free.you might also like Sumi Jo’s rendition of Caccini’s Ave Maria.hope this helps