“I should have _________.”
“If only I _____________.”
“Why didn’t I ____________?”
Different people may fill in the blanks with different words, but the sentiments are the same: I am to blame. I should have been able to stop my loved one from dying.
Feelings of self-blame affect many people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Such feelings are raw, painful, even toxic. They infect the open wound of suicide loss, adding hurt to hurt.
It does not have to be so. You can talk back to your self-blaming thoughts. Even if you regret words spoken or unspoken, actions taken or not taken, or other mistakes that you think you made, you can replace condemnation with compassion.
Suicide and Hindsight
If you have lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel that your self-blame is justified. Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too little. Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too much.
Whatever you believe, two important words may apply: “hindsight bias.” Hindsight bias is the clinical term for that familiar adage, “Hindsight is 20/20.” More technically, according to two trauma researchers:
“Hindsight bias occurs when an individual possesses knowledge about the outcome of an event and falsely believes he or she was capable of predicting (and, by implication, affecting) its outcome.”
If you knew then what you know now, then yes, you almost certainly would have said something different, done something different, shown something different, felt something different – and so on.
Sadly, you did not know.
Trauma and The Illusion of Control
The tricky thing about self-blame is that, even though it hurts intensely, it also protects us from a greater pain. In blaming ourselves, we nurture the illusion that we have some control over life.
Consider this. If we caused the suicide in some way, then we can learn from our mistakes and act differently. This means that we can prevent suicide from happening again to someone else we love. Or so it seems.
In reality, tragedies all too often occur beyond our control. It is more devastating to realize how random events are – and how random they will continue to be – than it is to believe that we failed.
What We Can Control When Someone is Suicidal
This is not to say that nobody has any control over a suicidal person’s safety or situation. There are things people can do to help someone who is suicidal:
Ask questions. Listen deeply. Involve others. Wrap the person in love, understanding, and support. Be available to them. Check in. Stay with them. Remove firearms and other instruments of death from their home. Provide resources to the person or take them somewhere for professional help. Pray, if that is in your belief system.
But even if you did not do all of those things, even if you did not do any of those things, it does not mean that the person’s suicide is your fault.
Even when people do all of those things, still the person may die by suicide. We are limited in what we can know and what we can do to stop suicide from occurring.
Suicide is a formidable foe. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, suicide wins.
Placing the Blame for Suicide Where It Belongs
When someone dies by suicide, it is never one person’s fault. Not yours, not someone else’s, and not the suicide victim’s.
Instead, the fault belongs to the natural forces that create the potential for suicide.
Most often, these forces are mental illness. By many accounts, 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness. Other forces besides mental illness also can cause suicide: trauma, stress, loss, and any other event or condition that creates excruciating pain.
The forces of suicide cause irrational thoughts. They rob the person of the ability to see any possibility for change. They connive to make the person believe that suicide is the only way to end the pain.
Usually it is not just one problem, but instead a multitude of problems, that lead to suicide. There are no simple explanations.
If You Made Mistakes with a Suicidal Person
Maybe you are reading these words thinking, “She doesn’t get it. I really did fail. It is my fault that ________ died.”
Maybe, painfully, you are even thinking, “I failed, and I hate myself for it.”
Maybe you did know your loved one was struggling.
Maybe you discounted the enormity of their pain.
Maybe you said things you regret, like, “It’s not that bad,” “You don’t really mean it,” “You just are trying to get attention,” or any one of a million other statements that are regrettable in hindsight.
Maybe you refused to take a phone call, or said words in anger, or gave up on the person.
Maybe you failed to keep the person safe. Maybe you felt too afraid to recognize the possibilities for death. Maybe you believed that your loved one would not ever die by suicide.
No doubt, such feelings of regret cause searing pain. I do not mean to diminish or discount your pain. It hurts.
At the same time, no matter the ways you believe you failed, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:
Am I telling myself that I could have prevented my loved one’s suicide?
How do I know that, even if I had done things differently, my loved one would still be alive?
How could I have known then what I know now?
Can I feel compassion for myself for having said or done things that I desperately wish I could change?
Can I forgive myself for being imperfect?
Self-Blame and Grief after Suicide
Feelings of self-blame can distract you from grieving and, in the process, from healing. Think of self-blame as an itchy blanket thrown over your grief. When you focus on the blanket, you do not see or feel the naked grief that lies beneath.
Remember, condemning yourself can build some illusion of control. What lies beneath your self-blame are the terrible facts that you cannot control:
Suicidal forces overtook your loved one.
You have suffered an unfathomable loss.
You cannot turn back time, do it over, do it differently.
Each of these is a loss. Mourning these losses is the essence of grief.
Your grief deserves your compassion.
***
© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
Please help me , I do feel blame . I had been staying with my daughter watching her kids while she worked. I left to go home I was so tired and I had a chance to make some real good money and I could help my daughter with bills . My daughter didn’t want me to go but I left anyways . On the way home she texed me and said u made me feel so empty. I asked her if she wanted me to come back I’d turn around and go back and she said no and said fuck u for making me feel empty I do not want u to come back . So I didn’t but I kept trying to convince to let me come back the next day and she said okay so I was going to go back that Thursday and she shot and killed herself that Sunday before . I’m not convinced it was suicide tho but if it was I am to blame . How could i not be? I miss her so much my heart is crushed !
Dana,
What happened is so tragic. So heartbreaking. I’m sorry for your loss. Suicide loss is even harder when a loved one’s last words are spoken (or written) in anger. Though this post doesn’t exactly apply to your situation, it might contain some information that’s helpful: “Mightier than the Sword”: Healing from a Spiteful Suicide Note
I can understand why you blame yourself. And I also hope you will challenge those feelings of blame and have compassion toward yourself. Whatever happened that day was almost certainly one of many factors at play in your daughter’s actions, and many of those other factors were almost certainly beyond anybody’s control. It sounds like you had compelling reasons to take some time for yourself, and you made the best decision with the information you had available. Please take care.
I hate that suicide survivors self help groups dont follow up. its been 2 1/2 weeks and 3 have not responded. nobody really cares anymore.
Mary,
That’s so frustrating to get no response! I feel frustrated for you. Have you looked into the online support group Alliance of Hope? It has a lot of activity and I’ve spoken with many people who were helped by it: https://allianceofhope.org/
I needed to read this.
My mum committed suicide on 15th March 2023 and I cant help but blame myself and my other family members.
I feel so angry and guilty and hurt that she would choose to leave me, I thought we were really close and I had no idea she was struggling so much. Feel like I’m living in a dream.
Natalie,
I’m so sorry about your mother’s death. It’s a devastating loss, and the aftermath is so painful.
Do you have support? For many people, it’s quite helpful to connect with others who are going through something similar. I suspect maybe you’re in the UK since you said “mum” instead of “mom.” The Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors lists support groups in the UK (and U.S.) They also have an online support group with thousands of members and posts.
Also you can find some other resources, including some good books, here: For Survivors of Suicide Loss.
I hope you’re able to be kind to yourself during this painful time, and to take to heart the words in this post. I’m grateful it was helpful to you, and thanks for sharing here.
This is one of the best writings I’ve read about suicide and self blame. My son took his own life March 1, 2023, almost two weeks ago. He was 19. The self blame and guilt I feel are excruciating. What is difficult as well are people who tell me how I should feel, and how I should grieve. Anger is also huge right now. My ex, and I know he is grieving too, just needs to stay clear away from me because he blamed me for my son moving out, and then two weeks later my son killed himself. So yes,I blame myself.
Sue,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m grateful the article is helpful to you. A book that might interest you is I’ll Write Your Name on Every Beach, by Susan Auerbach, a woman whose son killed himself at the age of 21. Susan also found this article helpful and include it (or part of it) in that book, so you have that in common.
Thanks for sharing here!
This is the best thing I’ve read on suicide guilt. I’ve shared it with every survivor I know. I’ve discovered, as a bereaved mother, that the guilt allows me to feel like I’m responsible for my son and therefore still actively mothering him – a formidable maternal instinct. When I’m about to get sucked into the guilt tornado, I instead say to myself, what healthier way can I feel I’m mothering? It’s more comforting to imagine or write a caring conversation with my son or watch videos where I’m speaking to him kindly than to ‘mother’ him by taking responsibility for his death.
Joan,
This is such good advice, and I regret that I didn’t see your comment when you posted it. It’s so valuable to realize the need your guilt fulfills — and to find a different way to meet that need. Thanks for sharing here!
Dear Joan, I read your comment and it really resonated with me, having also lost my son. By blaming myself, because I’m his mother, is a way for me to still mother him, but since reading your comment I may practice what you do, write nice words to him, speak to him in my thoughts. Thankyou
I lost a classmate a year ago. We weren’t that close, but we talked to each other every day and yet I never noticed he was hurting. I saw he was upset because he had just been scolded by our teacher for cheating that day, but I said nothing. I was actually satisfied because he had been cheating his way up for years. I was suicidal at the time too, and if I could go back and kill myself before him so he could change his mind, maybe I would. I do not want my family and friends to suffer like his did, but this kind of thoughts seem selfish. It did not help that his best friend once blamed me (she was driving and she apologized, but I sometimes think it’s the proof I’m the one to blame or that I do not deserve to grieve and heal). I still struggle with guilt (during the day it’s easier to deal with but I tend to have nightmares about it). Am I just unforgivable or should I try to move on?
Hi Sara,
I am sorry your heart is in pain, and the guilt spills into yours days and crashes into your dreams.
Suicide is not an easy loss. It is an excruciating pain that lasts and lasts and lasts for the family. And as you are now experiencing, it is a wound for friends and also those in his periphery.
It is something that’ll be with you throughout your lifetime. The nightmares and pain will eventually lessen but his death will stay with you. What you do with this is up to you. How you decide to proceed is within you.
When these events happen, we need to step back and understand that they were in such agony and pain there seemed no other way out. They could no longer hold on until tomorrow. They felt with every ounce of their soul, it was time to go.
It does not mean they didn’t love. It does not mean they didn’t care.
Sometimes those left behind cannot make sense of what happened. They have a wide range of feelings washing through them, and sometimes they say things to shift the pain, or guilt they are feeling onto someone else.
It isn’t fair, but it happens. You just need to remember it wasn’t you who made the decision. It wasn’t you who forced the action.
It was Suicide.
Suicide killed your friend.
It was not your fault.
We all make mistakes. It is part of being human. Your friend (or classmate) would not want you to live in pain of guilt.
You have a choice as you go through this now. And one of those choices is kindness. Tonight as you get into bed and the lights dim to dark, talk to him.
Tell him you are sorry he was in such pain. And then comfort your souls as you would like to do. Tell yourself you are ok, that it is going to be ok. And be kind.
When the thoughts of guilt start knocking at your door. You can open it as long as you also open another door and let those thoughts walk right past you. Imagine those thoughts as bullys… and your soul as someone you love. You wouldn’t let a bully hurt someone you love, so tell that guilt, “Enough. It’s time to leave.”
Be brave. Be compassion. Be love.
My sister died by suicide 20 years ago, and the grief and self-blame still control me. I still blame myself for not saying whatever the magic words would have been the last time we spoke 5 days before. We lived in different states, so she was able to keep a lot from us (such as her drug and alcohol abuse), so we knew only what she wanted us to know. But still. She was my big sister. I worshiped her. I can never have her again. But after all these years, blaming myself feels like it has become hard-wired into my brain. I don’t know how to stop. To those who read this: Thank you for listening.
Dear Cynthia,
My heart hurts hearing your pain. I do not know that it is something any magic wand can heal, but if it could I would wave mine and take the pain away.
To this day guilt batters me too, sometimes I think I have developed a form of Tourette’s syndrome because I find myself saying, “stop it,” among other things, when the thoughts take over.
I lost my oldest son to suicide and have two surviving boys (all grown up now). All three were very close. The impact of this was like a nuclear explosion and we still have the painful fallout shake the earth below our feet.
What I can say is, your sister wouldn’t want you to hold onto the guilt, even if it seems to be a fixture. Fixtures aren’t permanent, we can remodel, we can pick to pictures for the walls. Pictures of the two of you together, smiling. That is how she would want you to remember her. She knows your souls are woven intimately together, and because of that, she would want the tapestry to be a beautiful one… even if there is darkness, because the shadows help create the light.
Sent with the kindest regards, Maren
This is literally the best thing I have read on suicide
Thank you for this. My son took his life 5 years ago. He was 21, bright, handsome and very kind. He also suffered from extreme social anxiety, yet managed to be a good listener. Being so introverted, he never said he was sad or depressed. I suspected he was, but didn’t realize how deep it ran. The day I lost him, we were supposed to meet with his college counselor to plan the next steps toward earning his degree. He never made it to the appt. He didn’t respond to my texts. Despite never expressing how depressed he really was, I knew in my heart something was wrong. By the time I arrived home I was almost in a panic. I found him there. Life has never been the same. For the most part, I keep my feelings to myself. I don’t want to burden my friends and family. I know I could have done more, showed him more love and not pressured him about his grades and future. I always felt I had to prepare him and help him past his anxiety so he would ready to face life’s challenges. I failed him, and there is no combination of words that will ever change the way I feel. However, your message, and the responses brought me some comfort. Thank you for that. I will always feel the loss, but it also keeps him close. My heart goes out to all those posting here. For those of you who just recently lost someone, my advice is to be patient, take it one day at a time and focus on the good memories. Over time the sorrow will become less raw and overwhelming. It will take a long time, but eventually, you will find the strength to soldier on. Especially if others depend on you. You might feel guilty about it, but believe it or not one day you will even feel joy again. Hang in there.
Anonymous,
I am very sorry for your loss. What you describe is so hard — you look back and see where you could have done things differently. I hope you will keep in mind that you were doing the best you could at the time, and with good intentions.
I wonder if you’re familiar with the book “I’ll Write Your Name on Every Beach,” by Susan Auerbach. It’s by a mother whose son, then a college student, died by suicide. She shares her story and also offers hope, encouragement, and advice to readers.
Thank you for sharing here and for letting me know the article was helpful to you. Thank you, too, for offering supportive, hopeful words to others.
Thx
Thank you. For addressing and acknowledging these topics.
I just lost my baby sibling three days ago. And i understand survivors guilt, i do, im experiencing it- thinking i should have asked them to one of my therapy sessions if they weren’t going to find their own, held them when i wanted to but feared they didnt, set a date in stone for that thing they suggested. But I also know a piece of it is my fault. I knew they were off the last time we saw each other. But i was too consumed in my own darkness to reach out. Even say i see you or i love you. As soon as i got home i saw them start an instagram live and i was filled with fear thinking they were hurting themselves. I quick checked thinking that’s it i need to say something, but it was just odd swaying/dancing in the dark, and i shut down and dove back into my keep busy exhaustion. I told my mom the next day something was up but why didnt i TELL THEM. I had been the biggest pusher to keep in touch, be a counter voice to the darkness, but over this last year i myself failed. They were gone the next day. Everyone else can look back and say i thought they were better or oh how did i miss that in that moment? But i didnt. I knew. And i didnt do anything. What kind of a monster am i? I never saw it ending…they had ups and downs, and real pain, and a long hard journey to still go but i saw them eventually through it. I havent even seen that for myself yet but i saw it for them.
Maybe it wouldn’t have saved them ultimately but i would have at least tried, and they would know i tried. There’s so much i want them to know.
Amber,
I’m so sorry. Your feelings of guilt and self-doubt are terribly painful. You’re able to look at specific actions you didn’t take, and you wish you had. A couple things: You don’t know that if you’d taken those actions, the outcome would have been different. Be careful not to treat that as an absolute. The other thing is that you likely had reasons (your own “darkness” being one of them) why you didn’t reach out. I recommend exploring those with a good friend or therapist so that you can learn more about what motivated you. Perhaps you’ll find reason to feel more compassionate toward yourself while also grieving the loss of your sibling.
Please consider using one of the resources listed at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources. In the section for Survivors of Suicide Loss, you’ll find information about support groups for people who’ve had a loved one die by suicide. In case you have suicidal thoughts, too, or are otherwise in crisis, the resources for immediate help might also be helpful.
Thank you for sharing here, and I’m sorry for your loss.
It’s been a hard year. I’m not healed from my own traumas. I shut down. Admitting i couldn’t cope is terrifying because my role has always been the rock and restorer. I failed my precious sibling and i failed with the knowledge of how not to. My anxiety is worse then it’s ever been in my life. And please dont tell me to use it as a lesson
I already knew this lesson and nothing i do will ever make up for my failures or give them a second chance. Logically i know they could just as easily be in my shoes but, i dont understand why im still here and theyre not. I’m the one alive with no resolution. I’m not angry at them, but i feel eternally damned because our relationship hadnt fully healed before they made this decision. And if i knew what i wanted to do, and what was right, but still couldn’t do it… I feel terrified knowing the world is scary and chaotic enough but i dont even have control over myself. How do i even exist in the world.
Hey Amber how are you doing now? I lost my brother 3 months ago to suicide and am feeling a lot of the same things you described in your post. Hope things get better for us all it feels like such a roller coaster of emotions.