When you come to me for help, I want to help you.
I hope you will let me.
I cannot know your secrets without your words.
I hope you will tell me.
Tell me, please, your thoughts of suicide.
You might feel scared to tell me
When I ask if you are thinking of suicide.
I will try to help you feel safe.
I will not judge you.
I will not interrogate you.
I will not panic.
I will listen gently as you tell your story
In your own words, in your own way.
Suicide might tell you not to tell me.
Suicide might tell you I am your enemy.
Suicide lies.
Suicide might tell you that nobody could possibly help you,
That dying is the only way to end your pain.
Suicide might even tell you that you are a bad person
Defective, undeserving of life
Or love, or hope, or compassion.
Please, tell me.
I cannot help you fight the enemy
If you do not tell me about the enemy,
The enemy that is trying to kill you.
Do not trust your suicidal thoughts.
They are not rational.
They are a symptom, a sign, a cry from inside.
Something inside you needs healing.
Healing, not killing.
Tell me, please, what suicide tells you.
Does it tell you everything that is wrong with your life?
Everything that is wrong with you?
Suicide plays tricks with truth,
Telling only the truths that make you want to die
Hiding the truths that make you want to live.
The pieces of hope.
The pathways to healing.
The possible.
Tell me, please.
Or tell somebody else.
I am only one of many people who can help you.
But nobody can help you if you tell nobody.
Thank you.
One day you will thank you, too.
For telling.
For surviving.
***
© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
I remember when I read this before telling my then therapist, my first therapist, that I had tried to kill myself but failed. She was not happy. I could see her anger and frustration as she said, “No one will be enough for you.” I was filled with regret. And it fueled my want to die. I called and texted her for assistance on where to go a couple of days later and she advised the nearby ER with a ward. I went, and watched an on site therapist try to contact her on multiple occasions to see if she’d still see me as I needed a therapist to be released. I know she had a personal crisis but she never responded, so I put down another therapist I’d seen for group and a few one on one sessions. Long story short, I was filled with regret and should have never mentioned if I wanted to keep her as a therapist. Even mentioning the want to die after attempts pisses people off and makes me a freak, even more so than my tramatic past. Just be careful, not all therapists will react with care.
Thankyou
What if you don’t want to be alive anymore? The only reason I don’t kill myself is because I’m too afraid that I’ll fail – just like I have with everything else, and I’ll be even worse off than I am now. But I don’t *want* to be alive. I don’t *want* to survive. I don’t *want* to keep fighting or trying for something so worthless. Why? So other people don’t feel a bit sad? How rude.
I’m crying as I read this letter. Suicide tells me this every single day, but so do people, living, breathing people. It is almost like they want it to happen. I’m glad I found your site. It is a distraction that takes my thoughts away for awhile. Thank you.
I absolutely love this. I am a 14 year old dealing with suicidal thoughts, and I also have bulimia. I am anti-social with my therapist, and tend to give her the silent treatment all the time when our conversation heads towards the topic of suicide.
Thank you for this, it helps me know what my therapist is usually thinking.
I have been listening to those like you trying to help.
Thank you for trying.
I’ve suffered my whole life now with depression. I’m 63 now and Soo alone.
After my wife, who I thought was the love of my life left me about 10 years ago, I really really tried to start close ( or get close ) to my adult children. We’re not divorced. I told her I wanted no one else. If she had to go but there was no one else for her, could we stay married for our children who I love so much. Don’t know why I said that to her. When I would get close to one of our kids she did all she could to break up that relationship. I still text each and every one every morning and night, just to tell them I’m thinking of them.
That sets one up for a call too,
All I’ve ever wanted was to be loved by my wife and family. I believe once you have and raise children together it’s just wrong to give up out of boredom or what ever.
I’ve decided there’s no such thing as true love.
Because once the fire has gone if you (me) stop being fun or interesting FOR THE OTHER PERSON that PERSONS SELF INTEREST TAKES OVER
And I become no longer relevant.
I’ve been married 3 times. The first time, I married a wonderful woman. We were 21. I’ve struggled with alcoholism my whole life.
I didn’t know I had a problem till I was 25. By then Beth had divorced me and married her boss, almost 20 years her senior.
So between w1 and W2 I was off into a tear. Nobody was going to stop my drinking.
I was in pretty good physical shape then, weight lifting, running, 6 foot tall muscular, I was told I was very attractive.
At the gym an attractive Italian woman, I was 26 at the time, she told me she was 29 in fact she was 38.
But she was attractive so I dated her. I was still drinking so she invited me to move in, wow she had a temper so I moved out. She begged me to move back in so I did, she proposed to me so I married her. After 15 years her temper got to me so I swallowed about 40 extra strength Tylenol and a fifth of vodka. I woke up in intensive care, I guess I found out later for a week they weren’t sure I would live. I guess I did major liver damage.
Anyway the doctor insisted I go to inpatient to get sober and to find a reason to live.
I spent 3 months in inpatient care and 3 more months in a halfway house.
But I came out and the first thing I did was divorce her. The next thing I did was to move from Illinois to Wisconsin. I’m a home builder so I worked another year and a half in the Carpenters union to be vested so I could get some tiny pension for my years.
Then I started a construction company in Wisconsin.
Actually life was going great. I met my third wife. I loved her so much I thought that I legally adopted her 3 children plus at 40 we were surprised with our son.
I started making real money. We bought 70 acres a beautiful old farm. Had nice old buildings but no house. I just loved it, first time in my life I felt like I had a home. Had 20 acres of woods I loved hunting. I bought my wife about 39 horses,she wanted a riding stable, we lived in 3 connected mobile homes till I finished building our dream house,4000 SQ feet all stone and cedar, gorgeous, wonderful front porch and we had a 1500 foot driveway so it was off the road. A perfect paradise. We all loved it. We were all happy. I was completely sober, running up to 10 miles a day. I ALWAYS came home to my family every night, never once even went to have a beer with the boys. The land was paid for and because we all couldn’t wait to move in our house, I went and borrowed 200k to finish it.
I got the mortgage down to 134k in just 2 more years.
It’s too long of a story so I’ll skip the details except for a few life changing.
After about 10 years or so I had gone to a customer’s house after work because she called. Had hornets in her Eve.
I mistakenly been tired. Normally I’d wait till dark when it’s cool so they would get quiet. But I didn’t I climbed the ladder, I climbed on the roof as I was climbing in I got swarmed.i fell to the ground breaking ribs.
Then the ambulance came and shot me up with morphine,
I got hooked.
Fought it on my own for a year finally confessing to my wife.
I went to a place I found online promising a quick fix. I flew down, at the time I was self insured. They charged my 16,000 dollars just to get me hooked on Suboxone and Adderall.
This was in about 14 years ago.
Slowly I watched my wife grow to hate me. She convinced our youngest to hate me. That ruined me,
I ended up losing my business, our home, my savings , and my wife.
While we did go to counseling once, my wife would no longer go. She said that I was the addict, that she wasn’t the problem.
All true.
Our joint therapist told her I was on a giant merry go round. Doomed to recover and relapse my whole life. Yet she could not stand that I chose to stay on Suboxone to keep from getting hooked again.
I’ve been living alone in hell now for 10 years. I’ve not put up a Christmas tree once, I have a Chihuahua that I love.
My parents are alive but both have severe dementia, they live in Wisconsin so I’m the only of my 3 siblings who take care of then daily .
Since my dad was a success and when I went off the rails again his abuse toward me started in high gear. He’s been abusive to me as long as I remember only letting up some when he thought I would be a success.
Everything I’ve touched has turned to shit,
There is no chance I will ever trust in love so I’ve not dated and refuse to date.
I even stopped going to church after realizing that church in the U.S. is for successful well balanced people.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. — SF]
Anonymous,
Thank you for sharing your story. It’s deeply painful, and I ache for the feelings of loss and pain you describe.
I hope you will talk with someone about what you’re going through. You don’t mention if you’re receiving psychotherapy. There are effective treatments for depression, both in terms of therapy and medication.
You also can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or use the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or use one of the resources listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Please take care!
Dear anonymous,
Your story really touched me and I just want to say thank you for sharing it. It must not have been easy to do that. I hope that you are able to find some peace in your life. I struggled with active addiction also for over 20 years of my life. But I have been able to retain 10 years of recovery, it was not easy but I did it because I wanted to live more than I wanted to die or to continue to live in misery in my active addiction. I found things in my life that gave me purpose things to fight for. For me it was my daughter. I have never been married so I can’t imagine what it’s like to go through divorce never mind losing three wives. please consider finding a therapist that you’re comfortable with that you can talk to, I’ve been seeing my therapist for 8 years now and she’s a big reason that I’m able to stay clean and sober….. You need someone that you can talk to and that you can trust. Please don’t give up.
I will be brief. I too struggled with alcoholism. My mother & father had their share of battles for eighteen years of marriage. My Dad was a good provider but his other bad habit was tobacco. He abused my mother; she defended HERSELF at times, we had the cops at my home many times. Life got ugly. I am the eldest son out five siblings. I started drinking with friends in the neighborhood. I smoked pot too. I had to relocate. This was an option but I just turned 17. My uncle came and agreed to take guardian or custody as I wasn’t 18 yet. I won’t go into details but six months of more partying w/ Mom’s baby brother made me MISERABLE. My Old Man who I haven’t seen in six months decided to visit me. He had mentioned college in Los Angeles. I jumped at the opportunity. Should of learned to never trust ANYBODY abusing drugs includes alcohol! I ended up in the USMC. I did my 4 years hitch but the booze got a hold of me. It was a growling tiger ? but thank God for AA. I did the 12 Steps. Today… I have 8 years 8 months of SOBRIETY. I don’t know if you believe in a Higher Power but GOD had taken away my RUM CRAVING away permanently! I had temptations ESPECIALLY at festivities whereby wine, beer and rum was served because I had worked a security detail last summer’s Pirates’ Festival. I’m SHARING only what truly worked for me. I learned to never compare my shortcomings with others. Some folks NEED more HELP than others. I TRULY believe that GOD or the Higher Power will HELP if you ALLOW your Higher Power into your LIFE. It’s the BEST thing I EVER did quitting the booze. I had to ask for forgiveness; make mends, forgave MYSELF. God bless you. I wish you all the best in LIFE!
i dont want to commit suicide but i want to sleep forever. i cant make peace with myself.
Lost,
I hope you’ll talk to someone about how you feel. You can use one of the resources I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. In particular, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, and the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 might be helpful.
I’ve become suicidal. My anxiety and shyness has caused me to flunk out of college, a college I’ve worked hard to get into. They are also the reasons why I don’t have any close friends, a social life, a relationship, or a job. My anxiety and shyness have caused me to lose opportunities. I’ve been depressed since the 10th grade when someone taunted me for being a loner. My depression has worsened in the past 3 months. I lost weight, neglected my personal appearance, and I’m always sad. I feel like I’m a burden to everyone in my family. I feel as if I can’t go on!
Hi Martin. You and I seem to have the same issue. I too have anxiety, depression, am super shy, have no friends, no love life, no job, and was and still am always a loner. I think bullying in my childhood started a lot of it but I’m already 21 and still have all of the same problems. I feel the same way you do. I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better other than to let you know that you’re not alone. I am also feeling like I can’t go on.
Same here my friend,after this suicidical thoughts came to my mind I have ruined my life almost for 5months now,have no friend ,not keen to do anything,and always struggle with social anxiety,I do not know what would possibly happen to me,maybe we can get over this pathetic situation together,u can add me on whatspp 0750296927
We can have some chats when we feel alone .
I’m thinking of killing my self soon. When I’m not awake I’m finding ways to do it in my dreams. My father verbally abused me growing up and I was severely bullied at school. Grew up, got married and found out my husband was addicted porn. Of course I blame myself too. I was sexually assaulted by my father in law but no proof. My mother says I don’t deserve a pity party over my past and I’ve pushed away all my friends. I’m down to 99 lbs but not because I think I’m fat, I don’t know. I just want it to end. I have my kids but they are better off with a happy and productive mother one day. It’s scary sometimes but mostly I sense peace is coming.
Kate,
You are in a terribly painful state. I’m sorry about all that you’ve gone through, and I don’t believe that post-traumatic responses are a “pity party.”
I hope you will get help. It’s impossible to know that you yourself won’t be that “happy and productive mother one day.” There are effective treatments for healing from trauma, such as cognitive-behavior therapy (CBT) and EMDR. CBT also can help reduce suicidal thoughts.
In the meantime, please consider using one of the free crisis services available, such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or others that are listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Kate
I can feel your inner pressure,but what I have to tell you is that there is always an another option,you have not live life enough to die,so stop think about dying before you even living your life,just take a break from your life and go out for a picnic ,have some new friends to talk with,
I dont think i can keep doing this no more im done trying to be loved trying to b valued trying to get back what i give OUT
Be with people that love you for who you are.
If you wish send me an email i would love to chat.
carloschircopvevo@gmail.con