Suicide causes so much devastation in the living – so many overwhelming feelings, so many should-have-done’s and could-have-been’s, so many questions.
Amid such heartbreak, many survivors also agonize about why their loved one did not leave a suicide note. Melinda McDonald, a blogger who lost her husband to suicide, wrote about this agony in a deeply moving blog post:
I have struggled off and on with the fact that my husband did not leave me a suicide note. I am once again struggling with this. I have been for weeks now. Through talking to other suicide widows, I know that the suicide note doesn’t always bring comfort. It often times places blame, doesn’t make any sense, or just flat out, doesn’t bring ENOUGH love and affection to such a horrible situation. But there are times like now, that I wish I could pull out the note, and read it. Maybe to be reminded of what a dire state my husband was in. That death was his only option. Or just to see “I love you” one more time.
The Uncommonness of Suicide Notes
Thanks to movies and TV shows, many people believe that suicide notes are common, and that such notes provide answers to tormenting questions. The real world is quite different. Only 15 to 38% of people who die by suicide leave a note, according to results of 5 studies published in the last 10 or so years.
For survivors of the other 62% to 85% of suicides, the expectation of finding a note can lead to more pain. Another blogger who lost her partner to suicide wrote in a blog post (which is no longer online):
“I searched for a suicide note, not recently but back when I thought there might have been a note left for me. In the days he was missing, and intermittently after he was found, I vigorously ransacked Mottsu’s belongings. I turned everything inside out and upside down, looking for a last communication. No note was ever uncovered. I did worry I might have overlooked a final message of…. of what? The phenomena of a suicide note is perplexing. It is almost the expected protocol that someone who leaves unexpectedly, and without explanation, should leave behind a helpful note.”
What Suicide Notes Do and Do Not Say
It is natural to yearn for a suicide note in the absence of one. You may wish you had a window into your loved one’s mind in his or her final hours, perhaps even minutes, of life.
In the first blog post that I quoted above, the writer Melinda McDonald did ultimately remember a note that her husband had written her – not before his suicide, but before his first suicide attempt. Rediscovering this note brought her great solace.
But many times, a note leaves people aching for more. This is because suicide notes seldom contain dramatic answers to painful questions.
The most common theme in suicide notes, according to one study, is instructions. These instructions concern financial affairs, funeral arrangements, people to be notified about the death, and even trivial matters like cancelling the newspaper subscription.
The mundane instructions found in suicide notes prompted a psychologist, Roy Baumeister, Ph.D to state in an interview:
“Instead of explaining why they are in a suicidal state, most [notes] relate to feeding the dog and taking care of the plants.”
When notes do go beyond mere instructions, the most common emotional themes include depression, guilt, shame, hurt, and anger, according to another study.
It can be hard to make sense of the depression and other painful emotions that the suicidal person endured, let alone understand how those emotions could demolish all desire for survival. For this reason, suicide notes that describe the person’s emotional state may become the proverbial riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a puzzle: whatever answers that suicide notes provide may lead to yet more questions.
Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.
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© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
My boyfriend passed away 2 months ago and i am only 13. I want to have a memorial at school but i have no idea what is appropriate
Consider planting a tree in his memory at your school. It would last a long time, and serve as a reminder that others should and can seek help.
Not every suicide leaves a note, and there are no answers to that. My brother and I have always been writers. His laptop was out, but no note. I lost him on November 1st 2006, when his ex said he didn’t pick up the kids from school. I found him dead in the garage, puke on his pants, and screamed for my now ex. I started beating the hell out of him screaming “you don’t know that! You don’t know what you’re doing!”
EMDR has helped a lot now, but back then I fought four cops screaming, “I can fix it! Let me in, I can fix it”. I saw him pulled out like trash, and the next I knew, there was no sound. I was walking in the middle of the street, 4 nervous cops tailing me. I felt like I’d walked away from a bomb blast. Until MY ex put a cell phone to my ear. A voice got through, and I said, “daddy, he’s dead” for the first time since age 5. Dad said I had to go back to the house, and he and mom were getting on a plane.
So if your considering it, please remember what the person who finds you sees… and sees and sees. Because you need to know. As for the note, here is why it doesn’t matter.
It was my last date night to this date and a year long nervous breakdown after my best friend killed herself one month later. Back in 2004 I had a 3.75 GPA, had a reading of my published work for a scholarship to CU Boulder. A surgical screw up, lead to pills, lead to my friend suggesting a doctor who is now in jail, and may he rot there. I worked as a supervisor for The Department of Homeland Security, and was living with my boyfriend. I had to not only fix my problems, but others too (or so I then thought), but I reached that point I wanted to stop being yanked out of my life to fix my brothers terrible choices.
Why tell you this? My brother got addicted after he told his wife he cheated. I begged him not to do that if he wasn’t going to do it again, and to not destroy all of us who love him. He did. She divorced him, and took everything. Then he dated my best friend after the rebound after I begged him not too. He did. Months later, he told me he and my best friend were planning to take all her opiates and kill themselves. She was seeing a second doctor to get extra, and said I should too. I reported it (I was looking to get better not worse), and he was furious.
I told him I would not stand at his funeral, kneel down to his son and daughter and tell them why daddy didn’t love them enough to stay.
I spent $100,000 making sure the kids had safe schools, a safe car, a safe neighborhood. Worked extra jobs, and stayed up every night his wife was at work rocking them to sleep. Still, he would overspend and expect me to save him. It was never enough. I fixed problem after problem for him until I finally said I want a sane, sober life of my own. That I felt all drugs were a roulette wheel, and I could feel 00, house wins coming up for me. So I said no. Yet still, I thought I could fix him.
You can’t fix people who won’t help themselves, but they can be the albatross that drowns you. I am finally free of the ex who stole pills, tried to stab me, almost choked me to death, and faked suicide because he knew I thought it was my fault because they told me, and I couldn’t stop it. If you’re thinking you could, watch Golden Gate suicide survivors on you tube. The gist? “The minute I let go I knew I threw my life away.”
Many of you are the type people love to say, “A great person, do anything, give you the shirt off their back” I now look at it this way. How many shirts can you give away? Because sooner or later you’ll be topless on a stripper pole to buy more shirts (and I am 36, so no one wants to see that!). The people who take those shirts are what you must examine. Will they run to you to give it back, or better still, hold you to keep you warm? How many people are walking with 20 or more of your shirts and don’t give a damn if you’re cold?
Love is Symbiotic, not Parasitic. Stop Monday morning quarterbacking. Ignore the sick ghouls with fake grief, and dying to know every sick detail you suffered finding your big brother, your hero dead. I lost my brother, the kids I raised more than he did, his wife who I’ve known since age 5 & was like my sister. Today I’m sober, safe from my psycho stalker ex, and have a great relationship growing with my sister (we see no in-law anymore), niece, nephew and my parents.
Get PTSD therapy, It started with an army Dr. who noticed she could stop her flashback by moving her eyes up and side to side like a windshield wiper on high. It moves that image from the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze) to general storage. The images will get easier to push away. You’ll feel more good than bad memories with each passing day.
Stop focusing on the dumbest thing your loved one did, and get back the joy you feel talking about the funny times with friends and family. Life is for the living, and your lost loved one is still there. Write them a note about how angry you are. I repeat a favorite Pearl Jam song, and eventually he writes back. Call it God, Subconscious or imagining whatever your heart or mind believes and trust. You will feel you got more answers than any note they were too broken to write.
My son didn’t leave a note. He was 38. However, it was not totally unexpected. He suffered from depression for many years and was an alcoholic. He was also jobless and broke at the time of his death. In addition, he had a DUI and no car or drivers license. Put it all together and one can immediately see that his death was a suicide. His mom didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it was a suicide. The autopsy confirmed this beyond all doubt. At first, I was disappointed that he left no note. But, now, I realize that it wouldn’t have given me any comfort. My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one in this manner. I believe it is worse than a natural death, i.e., more tragic.
Bill T.,
I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to have a child die. If you haven’t already, please take a look at resources that are available for people who have had a loved one die by suicide. Various supports are available.
Thanks for sharing here.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It reminded me that was almost my exact circumstances and the thought had certainly crossed my mind. I was 38 and just divorced after having been married for 18 years. This has nothing to do with the story just a side note. We never had children. We made that decision before we were married and we traveled the world together instead. But after my divorce I moved from Florida to be closer to my family members. In about 3 years I had lost my job. My car was repossessed because I borrowed money to pay my light bill and buy food. And suddenly I was being evicted unable to pay my rent. I really thought suicide was the answer. I gave it thought and was very close. When out of the blue my brother who didn’t have the room asked me to move in with his pregnant wife and 9 year old son. Who by the way I had to sleep on my nephews bottom bunk bed . My sister in-law gave birth to my twin neices. I was able to sell personal belongings. I bought an old used car from a school teacher for $700 and paid for six months of car insurance. I landed a job as a local newspaper delivery driver and suddenly my fate changed. I moved out to my own place and my circle improved with more pay and a better job. The thought I’d never be seeing my neices now seems like the most absurd thought looking back now. I’m so glad that god u chose to save me. But if I had carried out my plan a note would have been the furthest thing from my mind.
How sad, life is like one big boxing match, some can go it all the rounds.
My brother committed suicide on Valentine’s Day this year. He was my best friend and we used to tell eachother everything. He had told me about suicidal thoughts and attempts in the past but I never ever thought I would lose him.
He tried to find a girlfriend who would love him for him. Someone who loved a beer as much as he did. But they never stuck around long they were always the wrong match.
He wanted to have kids and a family. He just never found anyone permanent.
The people he spoke to that day say he was fine, there were absolutely no warning signs.
He went quiet for a couple of days and the girl he spoke to every day become really worried about why he hadn’t messaged or called. She rang his boss and asked if he came to work – they said no and it was out of character for him.
He hung himself in the shed, by apparently jumping off a bin after drinking 14 beers. Although the roof was very low and he was very tall it didn’t make any sense to me when I stood there in the shed where he had died. Right where his body would have been…
The bin lid was broken… this keeps me awake at night. It’s like he fell through the bin and wouldn’t have been able to get out if he changed his mind.
It was just so strange because he is a very organised person, but his door was open,he’d washed and hung out his clothes and left the computer on. If he was planning on doing this why would he have done those things?
There was no note. No goodbye…
What mostly bothers me is the fact that I haven’t cried yet. I feel so bad because I love my brother more than anyone, not only was he my best mate but he was my very first best mate. He taught me so much and was a massive part of my life. Yet I can’t cry about it.
I miss him, I talk to him when I’m alone sometimes. I think about him every day. But am I happy for him because he is where he wanted to be? Or am I broken? Or am I just trying to be brave without realising?It’s so confusing.
It’s just been 6 months.
I couldn’t even cry at his funeral ?
Ryan, my youngest brother hung himself on March 24, 2018. Everything in the way you describe the situation with your brother’s passing is eerily identical to my brother. He had clothes laid out on his bed, his laptop was open and he was in an active message with his girlfriend (on again, off again girlfriend), TV was on, food was in the microwave, and everything else seemed normal. He never let on how depressed he must have been, although our whole family knew that he was at least a little depressed. No one thought it would ever lead to this, though.
He left no notes or clues as to why he would do this.
I also have found myself standing in the doorway, leaning against the actual door that he was leaning against when he hung himself in the living room doorway. I just lean there, stare at the pictures of our family on the wall directly across from there, knowing that the last things that he saw in this life was his family. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better, knowing that at least he had a positive memory as he died, or if I should be mad at him for being able to follow through with it with the reminder of his loving family staring right at him. It’s a mystery that I’ll never have the answer to.
He had to consciously lift his feet off of the ground in order to hang himself. I can’t wrap my head around that. How could anyone do that without putting their feet down when they ran out of breath? The unknown mental pain that he must have been going through had to be that great that he wanted it gone so much…to be able to follow through with it.
I haven’t really cried much at all either. I was, and am, indescribably sad about it – just haven’t cried like a “normal” person would/should, and I feel guilty for not crying about it. I do think about him MANY times every day, and really miss just hanging out with him. We would sit on my back porch, have a few beers, and play guitar and sing. He was a musician like me. It was one of the many bonds (besides just our DNA) that we shared. Something that set us apart from our other two brothers. I’ll never understand why he did it.
I don’t mind talking to people about it if it comes up in conversation, but I never bring it up…except when I read something like this that reminds me so much of what my family is going through.
I truly understand. My brother was 5 years older. My mom was 1/2 bulldozer mom 1/2 helicopter before it was fashionable. I called her a helladozer. We only had each other. He taught me to read 5 years ahead, play guitar, and write stories together. He would wake me up to sneak downstairs to watch movies. He bought me a pocket TV just because I was grounded and he knew I was dying to see the Yankees vs. Red Socks World Series, and I only got to leave the house until 18 with him, or be home at 3 pm. We were isolated at home, riding our bikes in circles in the driveway.
I’m sure your experiences are different, but more different interests than a different relationship.
When you grow up with a sibling that you are so close you feel like twins, and it feels like half your heart has been ripped out. Please go for PTSD and EMDR therapy. I wasted 13 years of my life asking why didn’t I FIX IT?!! His laptop was out, so did he write a note, or did someone delete it? My mom finally shouted, “Darn it Laurie if anyone tried with your brother it was you! You tried and tried. Nothing could stop him. Please look up Golden Gate bridge jumps. You’ll find survivors vastly say, “as soon as I let go, I knew I’d made the worst choice of my life”
My ex wanted to keep my chronic pain handy for pills he was addicted to far more than me. I stopped caring after my brothers suicide and my best friend a month later. To abuse without leaving a bruise, he decided how much medicine I got each day, and wouldn’t tell me how much. I didn’t care unless I pissed him off, then I’d feel weeks of hell until I caved to say he was right. He used fake suicide because he knew I blamed myself.
I’m the last sibling of three. I have to stay for my parents to do what he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I also couldn’t take the pain, so I got dumb and made myself numb, just like my ex wanted. These are all Ripple effects suicides can unintentionally cause. Don’t let it drown you. Because while then I felt I HAD to stay, now I WANT to stay to make my parents life the best it can be. They’ve suffered enough.
Instead of demanding an impossible answer of what he might have written (a game that leads to blame, shame and hellish pain), write a letter to him!! Tell him how angry, hurt lonely and confused you are about his choice or choices to leave. I swear to you he writes back. Writing was our great love, and I feel him answer the way he would have.
Call it God, Subconscious, Bull Spit, or Imagination, it’s all the same. When you’re that bonded with your sibling you need to know why. You won’t get it all, but I feel I got most of what he would have said. Play the song both of you loved singing on repeat. It helps me feel that connection. Please check out EMDR as well. You can’t totally erase the pain of his choice, but the memory will slow down. Your brain will curve around that one nightmare to the happy times, the best times, the memories I know you want back. It’s not in a letter, it is in YOU.
It’s as close as we get to getting our loved ones back. He lives on in your clearly powerful love for him, and courageous spirit for fighting the pain instead of spreading it like suicide does. Don’t let this pain take your life too, because he wouldn’t want that.
Just so you can hear it from someone who HAS been there, I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we fix problems for people we love. Problem is, THEY don’t learn how. They come to you, again and again. If you said no, I can’t shoulder it anymore like I did, and that’s OK. It has to be, because looking back in anger won’t fix it. Don’t Monday morning quarterback yourself.
All you can do is be the best person you can be in this life until your time comes. Because if their is a God (not CHURCH a God or many), I know he did his time in hell, and his hell is coming. My mom and I talk about it. How when she gets to Heaven he’ll get an earful until I can join my family and tag in on kicking his butt for hurting us!! After we cry and hug him and tell him how happy we are to have him back.
Be kind to yourself. It is not our place to know why. It is our darkest hours that teach us to raise our eyes to the sun when it breaks cloud cover. It is coming, that sunshine in your heart.
. My life is happier than I ever dreamed it could be. If I can help, let me know. You are not alone. The candid nature of your story alone says to me you’re not a victim, or survivor.
YOU ARE A WARRIOR!
You’ve faced the worse pain imaginable. You are here right now asking for help, and offering it to others. Listen, don’t hear, see, don’t look and the best memories WILL come back. Talk to him verbally, typing or screaming. Whatever it takes because he denied you that chance to say how you feel. The tears will come when you feel him reaching back. Please just try it. Fight for a great life after too much pain. Questions will drown as surely as an anchor around your neck.
Wow.
How powerful are words?! You really did help.
I’d love to talk to you some more if I can. How do I contact you?
Thank you for taking the time to write back to me.
My younger brother committed suicide in our parents home in January of 2006. My older sister was the first one to find out than she started calling our other siblings. We drove out to their home that night and got there close to 1:00 am. By the time we got there my parents were alone in the house and the coroner had already taken his body and my parents said the police was there and they left. The house had a lot of damage to walls doors windows and the back door had been kicked. They said my brother did that days prior. My parents said he was addicted to meth and he was on drugs all the time. He became violent. My sister and I than had the coroner do blood tests to see what he was on when he hung himself? The test showed that he had no drugs or medication of any kind. They only found a very small amount of alcohol in his system. About .02 BAC. The person that went to my parents’ car with the police was some kind of professional therapist or something like that said that after she told them they were arguing by the car. My parents said there was no note or letter. Somethings just seem very odd. My parents also said that my brother got into an argument with our older brother and my older brother beat up my younger brother. They said my my older brother left on Monday. My younger brother hung himself on Saturday. The police didn’t really do anything. They just assumed that he hung himself. One of my sisters said that our dad told her that he had something to tell her. Later when she asked our dad what he wanted to tell her he said nothing. It just all seems so strange to me. I would really appreciate some input. Thank you and God bless you
Rose,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doubting whether your younger brother died by suicide. This is one of the added agonies of losing someone to suicide. Many people experience disbelief and a desire to believe that it’s not true, because of the feelings that suicide can engender in its survivors.
Many suicide loss survivors experience tremendous, usually undeserved, guilt. Others try to hide the fact that their family member ended their own life.
I have no idea whether your brother really died by suicide or not, but it might be helpful for me to provide some facts we know about suicide. Suicide is underreported, not overreported. In your case, you question the lack of drugs in your brother’s system at the time of his death. But if someone has developed a pattern of drug abuse or addiction, it would not be surprising that they would become agitated and suicidal when they can’t obtain the drug. It also might be helpful for you to know that the majority of people who die by suicide do not leave a note; see my most Unwritten Goodbyes: When There is No Suicide Note.
I wonder if you have considered a support group or other resources for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. You can find a list of resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#survivors.
Thank you for sharing here. I suspect many other people have experienced similar doubts about a loved one whose death is reported as a suicide. Your sharing here can help others to not feel so alone.