Suicide causes so much devastation in the living – so many overwhelming feelings, so many should-have-done’s and could-have-been’s, so many questions.
Amid such heartbreak, many survivors also agonize about why their loved one did not leave a suicide note. Melinda McDonald, a blogger who lost her husband to suicide, wrote about this agony in a deeply moving blog post:
I have struggled off and on with the fact that my husband did not leave me a suicide note. I am once again struggling with this. I have been for weeks now. Through talking to other suicide widows, I know that the suicide note doesn’t always bring comfort. It often times places blame, doesn’t make any sense, or just flat out, doesn’t bring ENOUGH love and affection to such a horrible situation. But there are times like now, that I wish I could pull out the note, and read it. Maybe to be reminded of what a dire state my husband was in. That death was his only option. Or just to see “I love you” one more time.
The Uncommonness of Suicide Notes
Thanks to movies and TV shows, many people believe that suicide notes are common, and that such notes provide answers to tormenting questions. The real world is quite different. Only 15 to 38% of people who die by suicide leave a note, according to results of 5 studies published in the last 10 or so years.
For survivors of the other 62% to 85% of suicides, the expectation of finding a note can lead to more pain. Another blogger who lost her partner to suicide wrote in a blog post (which is no longer online):
“I searched for a suicide note, not recently but back when I thought there might have been a note left for me. In the days he was missing, and intermittently after he was found, I vigorously ransacked Mottsu’s belongings. I turned everything inside out and upside down, looking for a last communication. No note was ever uncovered. I did worry I might have overlooked a final message of…. of what? The phenomena of a suicide note is perplexing. It is almost the expected protocol that someone who leaves unexpectedly, and without explanation, should leave behind a helpful note.”
What Suicide Notes Do and Do Not Say
It is natural to yearn for a suicide note in the absence of one. You may wish you had a window into your loved one’s mind in his or her final hours, perhaps even minutes, of life.
In the first blog post that I quoted above, the writer Melinda McDonald did ultimately remember a note that her husband had written her – not before his suicide, but before his first suicide attempt. Rediscovering this note brought her great solace.
But many times, a note leaves people aching for more. This is because suicide notes seldom contain dramatic answers to painful questions.
The most common theme in suicide notes, according to one study, is instructions. These instructions concern financial affairs, funeral arrangements, people to be notified about the death, and even trivial matters like cancelling the newspaper subscription.
The mundane instructions found in suicide notes prompted a psychologist, Roy Baumeister, Ph.D to state in an interview:
“Instead of explaining why they are in a suicidal state, most [notes] relate to feeding the dog and taking care of the plants.”
When notes do go beyond mere instructions, the most common emotional themes include depression, guilt, shame, hurt, and anger, according to another study.
It can be hard to make sense of the depression and other painful emotions that the suicidal person endured, let alone understand how those emotions could demolish all desire for survival. For this reason, suicide notes that describe the person’s emotional state may become the proverbial riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a puzzle: whatever answers that suicide notes provide may lead to yet more questions.
Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.
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© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
Right now im going through a real hard time of figuring out this feeling that i feel in my heart. Its like its killing me slowly ive lost all my close friends growing up and when my fiance passed away 3 years ago i was with her. But now when i think about it my whole life ive always felt this way my family was torn apart when i was five and i did my best to try and get my parents back but i failed. To make it worse my relatives made it a joke i cant escape the fact knowing i could have been so much than what i am right now if only i had my parents. Ive been a broken person for a long time i just did my best not to think about it. Ive been robbed of childhood and family as i grew older i pushed everyone way because they dont care so should I. Suicide has been in back of my mind lately i have no one to talk to about this its just this feeling it hurts ive read a lot of books about it but it still doesnt go away and dont get me started on god from my evidence in life he plays favorites. L know at anytime i can do it but i know im waiting for that one last let down however if anyone knows what this feeling is and how to get rid of it please let me know i dont wish to do this but i cant take this anymore and no other option. The only thing good in my life right now is my school ill be getting by business degree in 4 months but that doesnt change how i feel.
Hi. I know this feeling all to well. I think I have felt suicidal since I was a small child or at least some form of depression. My thoughts when I was younger were less suicidal and more of me just wishing I was dead or that I wouldn’t wake up. I remember when I was about 7 years old, I went to the same school as my cousins. Their mom would give them money (.85) to catch the bus home but my mom wouldn’t. I don’t know if she didn’t have it or if she just didn’t give it to me. In the morning my mom would take me to school and she would always say “I hope you never come back.” Meanwhile, my teacher was always talking to us about “stranger danger”. Officer friendly would also come on Friday’s and we would get a whole speech on being safe from strangers, drugs, or just crossing the street etc.
Sometimes my cousins would use their bus money and buy candy from the candy lady or the store and would walk to my grandmas house with me. I was often searched in the store because I came in with them and never bought anything. I felt humiliated and worthless but also helpless. One day, I decided to ask my cousin to buy me something (I had never asked before) and he said no. I decided to leave them in the store and walk to my grandmas by myself so I could tell that they were buying candy instead of catching the bus and get them in trouble so I wouldn’t have to stop there anymore. As I made my way to a cross street where there was a stop sign, a car pulled in the intersection and the door opened. There were two men in the car and the passenger said to me, “come on little girl. We’ll take you home.” I stood frozen and surprise. My thoughts of officer friendly immediately came to my mind. As the man partially got out of the car to reach towards me I turned and ran as fast as I could back to the store screaming, “FIRE!FIRE!, just as officer friendly had taught us. As I reached the front of the store a woman opened her arms and embraced me. She hugged me so tight and asked what the men had said to me. I cried so hard in her arms but I didn’t tell her that they had tried to take me, because in that moment that she embraced me I immediately thought of my mother’s words ( I hope you never come back). My fear of those men immediately turned into guilt and fear of what my mom would do if she knew I had ruined an opportunity to never return. I was so frightened of my moms reaction if she would have ever found out that I had blown my abduction and possible murder. For years I carried so much guilt that I didn’t go with those men, it nearly felt like my missed opportunity to be free from so many years of hurt and pain.
So, when I tell you I completely understand your feelings, know that I truly do. Everyday is a struggle for me and I beg God for a dignified end to my life each night. When I see the sun in the morning and my husband lying there, I feel that same guilt that I felt as a child. I apologize to my husband for him ever meeting me and I ask God to take me without someone being traumatized finding me with my brains blown out. Literally the only reason I’m here is because I don’t want anyone to see the mess but I also want to be cremated or buried relatively quickly. I think cremation would be best and I always tell my husband to place my aches on the street on a really rainy day. I would like to be accompanied by the rainbow I used to see in the water as a kid as my remains just kinda float away and dissolve in no particular form or place.
PLEASE feel better and know that I’m fighting everyday to stay alive with you.
Im a 42 year old male going through a very painful divorce.I don’t get to see or talk to my 4 year old daughter.I was not an abusive husband or father I just made some bad choices.I have had my world snatched out from under me.I have made a decision to end my life.I was lied on cheated out of my child.I dont know if my wife deserves a note saying good bye.I just know that the way I feel I would not want to leave a note,because I have so much pain and anger that I’d only cause more pain so im taking it all to the grave with me
Erick – Please seek help. Be there for your daughter in the future. You may think that she is only 4 years old so it won’t matter, but she’ll grow up and wonder at why you left her. Your life matters.
Think about what you’d leave behind. Your daughter is so young. My husband died by suicide 10 years ago our children have never got over it. We all exist with an edge of sadness. It’s a life changer… more so than death by illness or by natural causes. The sense of loss overwhelming. All of these years later two of my children are in therapy and are quite volatile. I tried so hard when it happened to get them help. They were 12, twins 15 and eldest 17. There wasn’t anything available in our area. Your little girl may be only 4 but she’ll still be impacted if you did. So I implore you to get help.
Please don’t Eric… ?
Right now I want to kill myself. I’ve been thinking about it for some time. It takes a lot of courage and unbearable emptiness and pain to get to this point and to actually do it. People who do finally just do it, in my opinion are heroic. I’m a coward, but I do want to get up the nerve and do it. Why? I don’t know about the people you all have lost, but for me, I want to die because I am lonely. I have no one. I am always rejected, shunned, and hated in every social situation. I am a single parent, and now that my daughter is grown, she has no time for me. She is in her 20s and I know this is normal and usually gets better after 30, but with my luck, she will reject me forever, just like everyone does. I just don’t care anymore. I am sick of the pain. I told my daughter that I wanted to die and she called the police. By law they had to take me to the hospital. It kinda ruined the less than shitty day I had wanted to have…alone of course. I am so pathetic. Always alone. It’s made me a little crazy. I am going mad with loneliness. In July I had surgery. I really needed someone. Not once did my daughter call to see how I was. I could have been dead and no one would have known. When I express my pain to her, and it was a last resort to tell anyone I want to die, she calls the authorities to take care of me. Wow. That hurts. No one would even notice that I am dead, so why all of a sudden, do people want to save my life? As for leaving a note…it just seems like a courtesy the world does not deserve. An acquaintance once said to me, that people who don’t go through with killing themselves always end up expressing relief that they didn’t. Well, I never heard of a suicide who was sorry that they did kill themselves. Trust me when I say that the pain you feel as a “survivor” of SOMEONE ELSE’S SUICIDE is nothing compared to the pain, anguish, and despair that got them to that moment. But, I am not a socially successful person. There is nothing in my life worth living for. I have nothing and no one to look forward to. I wake alone. I spend my days drowning in loneliness. I go to bed alone. And life grinds on. I am sick of it. I am not just depressed for no reason. I am depressed because my life sucks. No one will notice. My daughter will get over it.
Try to talk to your daughter one more time. I was also distant from my parents when i was 20, but now i finally understand how important family is. Your daughter loves you for sure. Also you need qualified help to deal with depression. Everything can change and WILL change, just dont give up, please..
I feel the same way. I’m married and I have 2 children (17 & 18). They are both done with school and living their own life. I know my son loves me just as I know my daughter hates me. My husband hates that he ever met me. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused. My abusers would do things to try and make me feel special or tell me that I was special. As a kid I thought that my purpose was to let men have sex with me and that’s how I would get love. I didn’t know another kid that wanted to be a prostitute or porn star when they grew up, but I did. Once I was in my teens I slept with anyone that asked me to. I thought if I pleased them enough they would fall in love with me. As you can imagine, I had absolutely no limits as to what I would do for just a hint of affection. I would often ask the men to say they loved me during the acts. I would try my best to hold on to the feeling of being wanted or loved or even liked. As soon as it was over the feeling would go away and I would be so crushed all over again. Sometimes I would have sex with upward of 5 men pet day trying to capture this feeling. As I grew older I accepted that love was not an option for me and I began just having sex to please my urges and living my life. Not long after I met my husband. I thought that God had finally answered my prayers. I wish I could say that I now feel loved or cared for, but I don’t. I never get angry or upset because my husband and my kids don’t really love me. I knew a long time ago that I would never be loved, I just kept a little hope . My days are very repetitive but I find comfort in knowing that death is inevitable. I know some day will be my last and my pain will all end. The only reason I stay alive is because I really don’t want anyone to be traumatized by finding my body. I don’t know what life has in store for me but sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and at least feel wanted for something, even if it is the most vile act a person could endure. I often regret telling on my father because he was removed from my life completely. Some may think it’s crazy to regret “doing the right thing”. Sometimes what may be right for one person is not right for all of us. Despite what my father did he was the only person to ever seem to love me.
I hope you have changed your mind I’ve been right there but after nearly 20 years of marriage we never had children so you have a very important reason to stay you will never meet your grandchildren. Had I Done It I would never have gotten to know my twin neice’s that are now 12 years old and I love them more than anything.
“Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.”
What’s so illogic about suicide? Sure, I also don’t regard it as sensible to commit suicide because of e.g. a breakup. But there are people who have been suffering for years or even decades despite medical treatment and e.g. psychotherapy. Why is it illogic to try to commit suicide in such a case? Or in a case where somebody has a disease that leads to death and only more pain anyway? The only good reason I have is the risk of failing in committing suicide, which can lead to intellectual and physical disability. But it doesn’t make suicide attempts illogical, only very dangerous. OK, there is a second good reason for people who have children, namely not to leave them alone. But not all people have children (fortunately).
I lost my partner to suicide in 2014. We had recently split up after I’d discovered he’d had an affair. He left behind four children, two of whom were ours. They were 5 and 18 months old. I have since rebuilt my life, with a new partner and we have a daughter together. My children are happy and I am happy. But, I’ve never been able to get my head around the absence of a suicide note. No sorry, no last words for his beautiful babies. I am glad I stumbled upon this article, because even three years on, the pain bubbles to the surface and those unanswered questions start ringing in my ears. I am happy. But I will never get over the suicide of my ex. I will live the rest of my life with unanswered questions.
it’s been 14yrs as of this last Dec 17th 2017 that my 13yr old brother took his life. I was 18 at the time. There was never any note in my case either and not a day in those 14yrs have I not thought about why? or why didn’t he leave me a note or a clue we were best friends and siblings he always told me everything and I told him everything as well & as I wish i could say with time it goes away or gets better it doesn’t. I live with the questions everyday and will til I die I guess. only comfort is knowing it DOES get easier to accept and read as much info on the subject as u can because the more knowledge u have on the matter the better equipped u are to navigating through your emotions as they will take u on a rollercoaster ride. I’m sorry for your kids and your loss. I hope you find a way to not just exist and start LIVING once again without feelings of guilt.