Teenagers often tell me that they do not like to talk with their parents about their suicidal thoughts. Some teens do not tell their parents at all.
There are many reasons why teens lock parents out. The biggest reason that teens give me for not talking to their parents about their suicidal thoughts is a conviction that their parents will “freak out.”
While extreme fear, sadness, and concern (what teens might call “freaking out”) are natural responses for parents who learn that their child wants to end their life, teens need to know that they are safe, even welcome, to share their innermost thoughts about this most important topic.
Below are 10 more reasons why teens may not turn to their parents for help at a time when they most need help from their parents. The list aplies to parents of a teen who thinks of suicide but is not in immediate danger of acting on their thoughts. If a teen is in immediate or extreme danger, they need to be taken to an emergency room for safety and help.
Also, keep in mind that when a teen tells a parent about suicidal thoughts, almost everyone does something, perhaps many things, on this list. Most of these responses are instinctual and understandable. Yet they also are not so helpful for a teen who desperately needs to be listened to, understood, and in many cases taken for help afterward:
- Some parents offer reassurance or encouragement without first listening to what their child has to say. The parents may immediately say something along the lines of, “You don’t have any reason to think about suicide.” Teens who hear this often feel even more alone and misunderstood.
- Some parents become so overwhelmed with sadness and fear that the child ends up consoling them, without ever feeling heard.
- Some parents get angry with their child for thinking of (or attempting) suicide. “How could you do this to me?” they might ask.
- Some parents take personally their child’s suicidal thoughts: “If you really loved me, you would never think of suicide.”
- Some parents do not recognize that suicidal thoughts and behaviors frequently are a symptom of a mental illness like depression. These parents may blame their child, rather than the illness, for the suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
- Some parents do not take seriously their teen’s crisis. They may refuse to take their child for counseling or, if the situation is especially dire, to a hospital. Or they may choose to keep loaded firearms in the house. These inactions can make the teen feel uncared for or unimportant.
- On the other end of the spectrum, some parents overreact. They immediately rush their child to a hospital for evaluation without first listening to their child about their pain and plans.
- Some parents dismiss their child’s statements or actions as manipulative. “You just want attention,” they might say. (Even when suicidal statements or attempts are, in fact, a cry for help, that shows the person does need help! What a terribly dangerous way to seek help from others.)
- Some parents become impatient. They may ask the teen repeatedly, multiple times a day, if the teen is still thinking of suicide. This may cause the teen to say “no, no, I’m not” to stop being asked.
- Some parents become overprotective. After their teen discloses suicidal thoughts, the parents do not want to let their child out of their sight. If the teen is especially unsafe, this might be appropriate (although if they are that unsafe, a hospital may be even safer).
What Should Parents Do if Their Child Discloses Suicidal Thoughts?
First and foremost, it is important to listen. Really listen.
It is a natural response to want to talk your teen out of suicide, to react with fear and anguish, to do anything to keep your child safe. And there is a time and place for all of those. But what teens need first is nonjudgmental listening and exploration of their pain.
With that in mind, for advice on what parents can say and do to help if their child is thinking of suicide, see my post “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide,” in particular the section on listening and exploration.
You may also find useful the posts, 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person and 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.
EDITED: 4/24/2016
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com
I stumbled on this blog after I read the blog that said the things that we should not say to a person who feels suicidal. This is yet another insightful blog shedding light on the travails and tribulations of today’s teenagers and their weakening bonds with their parents. The points mentioned in this blog are definitely relevant and very accurate.
Tonight I called my mom because she wasn’t answering her phone..I texted her multiple times asking for help so I called..and she immediately raged when she answered the phone..I begged for her help and even when I convinced her to at least sit down and talk to me about it she had a really hateful attitude towards me. At first she was going to call the hospital but I told her that I didn’t want it and that I just wanted her love and support and just for her to listen to me. I just wanted to lay in her lap and cry and tell her what’s wrong. But she sat on the floor about 8 feet away from my bed and was being hateful the whole time saying things like “it’s 4 in the morning, If you would have went to sleep this wouldn’t be happening” then I explained that I couldn’t sleep because of my anxiety and she said “well you’re not going to school so you got what you wanted” and I told her that school wasn’t what I’m worried about. She thinks that every time I come to her like this it’s to get out of school when really I just want her help. I love my mom so much and she sometimes shows me that she cares but it’s never when I need her most..Is it my fault that she doesn’t want to help? How do I convince her to love me? What do I do to make her want to hold me and tell me everything is gonna be okay without her getting mad at me?(btw my dad is worse. He just screams at me and doesn’t ever seem interested in me so I gave up on asking him for help a long time ago)
I’m pretty young to have thoughts about killing myself but I do, I live in a household of 4 people me, my brother(older), my mom, and my dad. My parents always work most of the time so I can’t really see them and I spend most of the time with my brother, but we don’t get along and sometimes he hurts me and said he should’ve killed me a long time ago. I don’t tell my parents because I always think they would never understand because I live in a family with Asians. I remember in the past I would used to cry and when they said what was wrong I told them that they never seemed to care about me and they told me they do and to get over it, so I just stopped crying when they were home and cried quietly alone. Ever since that time I haven’t really acted like I was depressed because I didn’t want them to worry and I didn’t want to tell them so I pretended I was alright, now I cry by myself all the time and wish that I had a new family or wish I had never been born. I now just want to end my life and nobody will probably care, except people who say they do just because they feel bad.
The pain and sadness you are feeling must be overwhelming, especially since no one knows how much you hurt inside. You sound like a smart kid and that you are reaching out here, shows that you know and want help. If you cant talk to your parents, then pick someone you know and trust. A teacher, a friend or their parent? If you feel there is no one, then call this number. They can guide you to get the help you need.
1-800-273-8255
You have value, you are loved. Sometimes parents get caught up in their own lives trying to provide a living, and forget those who they are working so hard for need them in their life.
If you need to talk to someone you can talk to a counselor or therapist and tell them your situation
I’m so sorry. Maybe tell her on a weekend or when u dont have school the next day so she cant use that against you. Try talking to your school counselor too.
When I tell my Mom I want to die, she calls me a stupid brat.
I don’t have many friends to talk to and I have trust issues so I don’t usually tell people how I feel and i have suicidal thoughts cause my parents are pressuring me what do I do.. I know they will get angry if I told them and I have stress from school after school I get pressured by my parents the only thing that makes me feel peace is video games now I can’t play video games anymore cause of my parents and I’m beginning to stress more I really want to kms..
if I told my mom I felt like kms shed probably just beat me
same
I need help
Jocelyn,
I hope you get help. Counseling isn’t provided on this site. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Someone there can help you!
my friend had suicidal thought when he was home schooled and his parents fought a lot and they threaten to get divorced and he ran away from home (a year ago) he hid in a Walmart bathroom and cried. and then his parents put him in regular school a couple of months ago, he says he doesn’t have them any more.
I have tried to kill myself three times and when I told my mom she thought I just wanted attention until she realized something was actually going on I still think about it but I don’t want to tell her because I just feel worse when she locks sharp stuff away because it makes me feel like a baby but I’m really lucky I have friends who can sense when something is going on the reason I am not dead right now is because they always have this sense cuz whenever I have tried they just happen to call and when I was too young to have a phone I heard my parents and I dropped the knife and ran away
Thankful for friends,
I’m thankful for your friends, too. It’s great that they are there for you. Thanks for sharing here.
My dad called me ungrateful and proceeded to be mad at me. This was right after I told my counselor that I wanted to die and I’ve thought about it. He yelled at me and everything. Right after he was like I forgive u, even though it wasn’t my fault for feeling like that. Since then I don’t share my feelings because all they do is get my dad angry. I feel like my emotional state is messed up now, even though it’s been a year. It hurts still when I think about it.
I also need your opinion, my dad can get angry. When he does he usually will hit us or smack us but it’s mostly like on the face. Now whenever he brings his hand up to do it I flinch but I don’t cry due to it’s been happening for years and I’ve got used to it. Is this normal…?
1 year ago,
I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how hurt and lonely you must have felt after confiding your suicidal thoughts and then being treated as if you did something wrong. You did NOT do anything wrong, and I’m grateful you recognize that!
As for your father hitting you, no, it is not normal and it is not ok. If you live in the United States and if I knew your identity, I would be required by law to make a report. I’m sorry he hits you. You do not deserve that. Nobody does.
If you live in the U.S., please text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or call the National Lifeline for help at 800-273-8255 (TALK). You can also email me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com if you’d like for me to try to get you some help about your father’s hitting you.
Thank you for sharing here! Please take care, and remember things can change for the better.
My brother was suicidal i remember him telling us and our parents thinking it was joke and laughed at him , i was five, few weeks later he was acting so nice to everyone and the next day, we came home and my mom went to go check on him and all i hear is screaming so my dad runs up, so do i and before i look into the room i see my DAD crying and i never ever seen him cry so i look and there was my only brother dead. i remember running to him and trying to wake him up but i was still young to understand what happened but i knew he was gone. I still have that image in my head of him and won’t go away. So now i have suicidal thoughts and i’m sad and my parents were saying it was their fault that he died and that they just laughed at him to the cops and now i am scared to tell someone my feeling and it hurts keeping it inside. i hope none of you have to go through the things i have been through and this is just one of the things that happened to me and more things that are just killing me inside.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. — SF]
My bro is very depressed, & angry after being in Marines. He says he doesn’t want to leave his 10 yo. I don’t really believe him. Should I?
Cindy,
I’m sorry, it’s impossible for me to know if you should believe him. If you want to talk it through with someone, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line at 741-741.