Teenagers often tell me that they do not like to talk with their parents about their suicidal thoughts. Some teens do not tell their parents at all.
There are many reasons why teens lock parents out. The biggest reason that teens give me for not talking to their parents about their suicidal thoughts is a conviction that their parents will “freak out.”
While extreme fear, sadness, and concern (what teens might call “freaking out”) are natural responses for parents who learn that their child wants to end their life, teens need to know that they are safe, even welcome, to share their innermost thoughts about this most important topic.
Below are 10 more reasons why teens may not turn to their parents for help at a time when they most need help from their parents. The list aplies to parents of a teen who thinks of suicide but is not in immediate danger of acting on their thoughts. If a teen is in immediate or extreme danger, they need to be taken to an emergency room for safety and help.
Also, keep in mind that when a teen tells a parent about suicidal thoughts, almost everyone does something, perhaps many things, on this list. Most of these responses are instinctual and understandable. Yet they also are not so helpful for a teen who desperately needs to be listened to, understood, and in many cases taken for help afterward:
- Some parents offer reassurance or encouragement without first listening to what their child has to say. The parents may immediately say something along the lines of, “You don’t have any reason to think about suicide.” Teens who hear this often feel even more alone and misunderstood.
- Some parents become so overwhelmed with sadness and fear that the child ends up consoling them, without ever feeling heard.
- Some parents get angry with their child for thinking of (or attempting) suicide. “How could you do this to me?” they might ask.
- Some parents take personally their child’s suicidal thoughts: “If you really loved me, you would never think of suicide.”
- Some parents do not recognize that suicidal thoughts and behaviors frequently are a symptom of a mental illness like depression. These parents may blame their child, rather than the illness, for the suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
- Some parents do not take seriously their teen’s crisis. They may refuse to take their child for counseling or, if the situation is especially dire, to a hospital. Or they may choose to keep loaded firearms in the house. These inactions can make the teen feel uncared for or unimportant.
- On the other end of the spectrum, some parents overreact. They immediately rush their child to a hospital for evaluation without first listening to their child about their pain and plans.
- Some parents dismiss their child’s statements or actions as manipulative. “You just want attention,” they might say. (Even when suicidal statements or attempts are, in fact, a cry for help, that shows the person does need help! What a terribly dangerous way to seek help from others.)
- Some parents become impatient. They may ask the teen repeatedly, multiple times a day, if the teen is still thinking of suicide. This may cause the teen to say “no, no, I’m not” to stop being asked.
- Some parents become overprotective. After their teen discloses suicidal thoughts, the parents do not want to let their child out of their sight. If the teen is especially unsafe, this might be appropriate (although if they are that unsafe, a hospital may be even safer).
What Should Parents Do if Their Child Discloses Suicidal Thoughts?
First and foremost, it is important to listen. Really listen.
It is a natural response to want to talk your teen out of suicide, to react with fear and anguish, to do anything to keep your child safe. And there is a time and place for all of those. But what teens need first is nonjudgmental listening and exploration of their pain.
With that in mind, for advice on what parents can say and do to help if their child is thinking of suicide, see my post “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide,” in particular the section on listening and exploration.
You may also find useful the posts, 10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person and 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.
EDITED: 4/24/2016
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com
I straight up asked my mom for therapy and I’ve been building up courage for weeks to do that and she completely dismisses me and didn’t take it seriously. I want it so bad because I’ve been on the brink of ending it because of my parents and I need a way to get help without them knowing.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been on the brink of suicide, and that your mom didn’t take you seriously when you asked for help. Maybe try again? You could show her your comment published here. Combined with the article itself, maybe it would motivate her to pay attention to how serious your need for therapy is.
You could also talk to a teacher or school counselor or coach or minister/rabbi/imam. Or you could tell your doctor. They could contact your parents and communicate to them how important it is to get you help.
Other options are to text “HELP” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255, or to use one of the other resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I hope you get help soon!
I love my daughter. I will do everything I can to protect her. When I noticed something was wrong and confronted her, she was devastated and said killing her self might be the answer. WE both cried. I confronted the biggest bully in her life–her father. I found a good therapist. I fought family members, lawyers, child advocates and the court system. I did not want to medicate her because she is truly gifted and did not want to dull her senses, but I kept her in drawing tablets. She has begun to heal. She is openly gay. I will support her no matter what. I know not everyone has a mom like me, but there are people out there who love you unconditionally and will listen. Find them. You are beautiful. You have value and purpose. You are loved.
My friend is suicidal, as am I, but I need to put my thoughts on hold for her. I don’t want her to feel like I feel, so I tell her the opposite of what I’m thinking of doing: ending my life. I to started to talk to my mom about this, but she told me my friend was just being attention seeking. She literally called me attention seeking without realizing it. I am most definitely never going to tell her about my thoughts buT it still hurts to know that is what she thinks about people like that.
I think it’s scary to be 15 and the only thing on my mind is suicide
I agree, that’s very scary! I hope you will tell an adult about your suicidal thoughts, like your parents or another family member, a teacher, your doctor, your minister, or a friend’s parent. You can also text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or use one of the other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
same. Im 15 now and I am becoming more suicidal and I don’t know what to do. my mom wont believe me if I told her so I just keep my mouth shut.
My mom is number 5 and 8, later she’d call me names like attention whore, how a failure i am and then Im depressed and starting to binge then throw up,slapping my face, hitting my own head with hand or to the wall (help me).Usually when everything is just normal and suddenly mom calling me names,all I can think is how I want this pain to end (sometimes I imagine what if I had an accident and die on scene or what if I stab myself,the list go on..).I grew up in VERY strict parenting where my mom will never allow me to hang out with my classmates so I dont really know how to make a friend.
Leen,
This sounds truly awful. I would like to try to connect you with help in your area. Please email me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com so that we can communicate privately.
Also please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (in N. America) for immediate help for your suicidal thoughts, or even the police in your area about the physical abuse that you describe, if you feel safe to do so.
No because they think we r lieingg like why would I lie it makes me want to die more and more stop thinking you KNOW Everything cause you don’t ?
Buddha was right, life is suffering. Everyone, everywhere will suffer in one way or another, there is no escape from it. My sincerest hope is that every young person who posted here finds a way to cope with their suffering and manage to experience some joy and happiness in their lives and that you all grow up to become responsible adults that have children of your own giving you all the opportunity to shower them with the love, patience and understanding that may not have been given to you all by your parents. Still, parents are human beings and they are not perfect, either. Some of them are full of many imperfections. For those of you who have to endure them, I hope you can forgive your parents. I know it seems rough now, but give yourself a chance. Don’t give up on yourself or end it all just to spite them. Instead carry on and fight and become what they weren’t. Grow up and be a better parent to your son and daughter than your parents were to you. I guess that is as good a thing to live for as any.
I’m 13, and I’ve been depressed for 4 years. At first, it was so minor nobody noticed, then I started hanging out with others who had severe depression. I got worse, they showed me how to cut myself without anyone noticing. My parents noticed and they called me out by calling me a useless attention whore. Then they found out that I had a girlfriend. (I’m bisexual) They’re very Christian and very very homophobic. They stopped talking to me and they wouldn’t even look at me. I got way worse over the summer because I began gaining weight and people would make fun of me for it. I became anorexic/bulimic. I started cutting my sides, thighs, and wrist, I would do anything I could to hurt myself. They never noticed. I’ve tried asking for help, my doctor has told them I need help. They refuse to help me. My grades are dropping and they’re so mad, they keep saying what a disappointment I am, and how I do everything for attention. I’ve attempted suicide more times than I can count, they know that too. They don’t care. My sister is autistic and has a lot of medical issues so they give her all of the attention and love they can, and they just ignore me. The only reason I haven’t killed myself already is that they’ve lost 4 unborn babies and I don’t know how my family would react to losing another child. (twins had to be aborted because they were spreading their cancer to my mom, and two miscarriages) My friends ignore me when I try talking to them about my problems, and they laugh and make fun of me for it. My boyfriend is the only one who’s doing anything to help me with my eating disorders and self-harm. Bullies have noticed the scars on my wrists and they’ve gotten more brutal. I don’t know if I can keep living like this for much longer…..
All I can say is… no matter how alone you are, you aren’t alone. I am a 14 year old bisexual girl living in an extremely homophobic church environment. I also struggle with very severe depression and anxiety and anorexia and have been through a lot of abuse and bullying. It’s so hard to find a reason not to just end it all, but just know your boyfriend and people you would never even think of love you so much.
Your comment reminds me a lot of my own childhood. I am so sorry you have to grow up in an environment where you do not feel loved or valued or safe. I could write to you a short paragraph about how it gets better and easier once you are older and move away, choosing a new family (a significant other, friends, pets, etc.) who will love and accept you for who you are and not make fun of you for how you look or for literally lacking the will to live or care for yourself. I am 22 years old now, and I am still learning who I am and how to love myself after spending most of my life putting on a play for my “friends” and “family” who wanted me to pretend to be happy and mocked me when I even hinted that my brain was screaming 24/7 to kill myself because I truly believed I was a worthless pit of human misery. It is not even remotely easy to learn to love yourself after being taught by the people who are supposed to love you that you have no value…
But their actions say far more about themselves than about you. My father, for instance, was extremely physically and emotionally abusive toward me, and I learned in therapy (pretty recently) that these negative beliefs he instilled in me about myself were never really about me. He took his anger out on his helpless children instead of handling his emotions like an adult and getting the psychiatric help he so desperately needed. In middle school and high school especially, it seems, some kids like to inflict suffering upon others to make themselves feel better or like they have power and a sense of control in their life. There were times I bullied my younger brother, I think as a way to release anger from our father doing the same thing to me, and I deeply regret it. I was also bullied at school from 6th grade until graduation because I did not like to dress “girly” and have a deep voice and was extremely shy and anxious all the time.
You are not perfect; no one is. But you are NOT a bad person, and you do not deserve to be treated so poorly. You deserve love and acceptance from others and from yourself. Do not lose hope that some day you will meet good people, friends who are not backstabbers or superficial. I used to sleep all day and only get up for school, limit myself to less than 600 calories a day for months at a time, and take my Father’s loaded handgun and stare down the barrel… I changed the way I dressed and spent at least 2 hours every day before school doing my hair and makeup so others would stop calling me an ugly man or “it.” So then they called me stuck-up and bitchy instead. But in reality I just wanted their approval, and I was too paralyzed with the fear that I am obnoxious and dumb to speak to anyone…
It was not easy, but eventually I decided to just stop trying to please the assholes all around me since I had tried for 16 years and failed so miserably. So I shaved my head my senior year, took extra classes and graduated high school a year early, and then moved across the country for college and met some of the most wonderful people I have ever known. It is not easy. I still have days where I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. But somedays I get up now, and I actually look forward to being alive. It’s like giving my shitty father and all the people who ever bullied me a giant middle finger, to wake up and actually enjoy being alive.
It does get better eventually. You learn to live with your intrusive thoughts and negative self-talk, and you get to determine the direction your life will go in now that it is in your own control. I hope that me sharing my story has helped you in some way. I consider myself agnostic, but sometimes I still find myself praying to whatever might be up there. You are in my thoughts and prayers, whatever good that may do.
If you are religious, know that God loves you just the way you are. There is nothing Christian about judging someone for being bisexual. Don’t complain of the sawdust in your neighbor’s eye when there is a log in your own, as the saying goes. I think it is awesome you are open about your sexuality in high school. Some people live most of their lives too scared to come out due to fear of judgement. You are far stronger than you think.
Good luck, hun. It can be a cruel world, but know that there are just as many good people out there who want to make this world a better place. Don’t lose faith in all of humanity because you happen to live somewhere with a high population of assholes, and don’t forget that YOU are a beautiful child of the universe, and YOU deserve all of the love this world has to give.
Anon,
Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world. You have endured so much in your life and I am sorry you had to go through all that pain. But you are sharing with others in a positive way and so many will be so grateful for your words. I’m a mother of a daughter who attempted suicide twice. It was one of the most difficult times in my life. But after reading your story helping others I see how my daughter must have felt so many times. You seem to have such a beautiful soul and a wonderful way of expressing it. Thank you and may you continue to heal and help others. Enjoy life too. You are truly gifted with your words.
So my mom called me a bitch twice. She also called me a hoe. Idk if thats normal but anyways, my parents dont know how i feel at all. I have anxiety, im bipolar, and sometimes feel like i wanna kill myself. I feel like one day, im going to get so tired of life, that i might acually do kill myself. But i feel like i have no one to talk to
Why am I reading this site and responding to you? I am a female… About two ago, I was just turning 15 years old. I told my parents about my thoughts after having my thoughts for three years on my own without anyone knowing or hearing about it from my mouth. Not everybody has the guts to continue onto suicide. I did try attempting suicide, but never really allowed myself to let myself go from this world. I would always wake up from the pills and stop the bleeding in time. Middle of 10th grade, I had told my school, they had called my parents. When my parents saw my scars and heard about my thoughts, they had gotten mad at me but my parents do love me, which made them take action of my thoughts. Bring me into a hospital, two weeks later, I was out of the hospital getting outside help before entering school. Now the middle of the junior year and struggling to the lowest ability of suicidal thoughts.
Reading this site has brought me more open and happier because I know now, after two years of dealing with suicidal thoughts at the highest risk, that I can understand on why I was in pain and how I recovered from that pain. I do recommend speaking to somebody, even if that means going on sites and just talking to random people about your feelings. The only way to stop acting on your thoughts will be speaking and hearing yourself out loud about it. I am here to speak and listen to anybody forward on. Contact me below…
So to answer your question… Not everyone is the same. Parents could react to your thoughts or not react. If you want to contact more or have questions about anything… My number is: (847) 915-0289