When a loved one loses their life to suicide, it’s difficult for adults to understand, let alone children.
The night my husband, Jac, died by suicide, my three small nieces and my nephew were at our home. They were all under the age of twelve and frequent visitors. Jac and I loved having them over for sleepovers while their mother was out.
My four-year-old niece was particularly fond of her Uncle Jac, and the feeling was mutual. She would race into the house, calling for him. He was always impressed and intrigued by the way she could hold an intellectual conversation with him at such a young age.
That night, Jac mentioned he didn’t want the children there for the evening. It was unusual because he typically enjoyed their company. However, since plans were made and my sister had no other babysitter for the evening, they were there.
An hour after they arrived, the children were playing in the guest bedroom across from Jac’s office. I was downstairs watching television. An ominous thump came from upstairs.
“What did you guys break?” I called upstairs.
“It wasn’t us,” they replied. “It was Uncle Jac.”
I hurried upstairs, thinking perhaps Jac had gotten dizzy and fallen because he’d skipped dinner. When I entered the office, he was stretched out on the floor, lifeless and bleeding.
Behind me, I heard the children enter the room. I whirled around to face them.
“I need you all to get downstairs right now,” I told them as calmly as I could.
Their expressions told me I wasn’t very calm at all, but they quickly obeyed as I called 911.
People swarmed to the house: paramedics, police, neighbors, family. I can’t tell you where the children were that night, but I know they were safe, in shock, and the trauma they faced was just beginning.
Just as I had to rebuild my life, they, too, would one day have to understand and come to terms with what had happened.
Discussing Suicide with Children
Losing a loved one to suicide is a complex and sensitive topic to discuss with children. Open and straightforward conversations will help them navigate their grief and understand the circumstances surrounding their loved one’s loss.
I couldn’t deny or cover up Jac’s suicide even if I’d wanted to. The children had lots of questions, including the one I could not answer myself: Why did Uncle Jac do it?
As adults, children want us to have all the answers, but as human beings, we don’t.
“Auntie doesn’t know why, baby,” I told my four-year-old niece after she posed the question again. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out for myself.”
My niece sat with me in silence with her arms wrapped around my waist. Neither of us had our questions answered, but we were there for each other, which was healing in itself.
Not all children are like my niece. Children in your life may process and understand death differently. A child’s age, the circumstances of the death, the child’s relationship to the person who died, and their maturity level all can affect their reaction.
Here are some things I’ve learned from the children who were with me that fateful night as we all dealt with the aftermath of Jac’s suicide. I hope these guidelines will equip you to help children in your life recover and rebuild their reality.
Create a Safe Place for Children after a Suicide
Any discussion should take place in a safe environment, ensuring every child feels heard and supported. Find a comfortable and private space where they can freely express their emotions without judgment.
Assure them that they can ask questions and share their feelings openly. Stay calm and honest. Reassure children that it’s not their fault and that the death had nothing to do with them. Take each child’s age and developmental stage into consideration. Although all four of the children in my house the night Jac died weren’t even teenagers yet, they were very aware of what had happened.
Use frank language as children are very literal, and euphemisms for death confuse them and cause further frustration and harm.
Allow Children to Express Thoughts and Feelings after a Suicide
Children may have many questions about suicide. It’s good to encourage them to express all of their thoughts, concerns, and emotions. Answer their questions honestly, but remember that you don’t need to have all the answers. When you don’t, offer comfort and reassurance instead.
I struggled to answer the questions of my inquisitive four-year-old niece. She had many of them and still does today. I don’t always know what to say, but I do the best I can.
Remember, children value your honesty, and they can tell when you aren’t telling the truth. They’d rather have an honest incomplete answer than a fabrication. Honesty helps them rebuild their reality on a solid foundation and hastens their understanding of what happened.
Children may experience a wide range of emotions, such as sadness, anger, guilt, or confusion. Let them know it’s okay to feel these emotions and everyone grieves differently.
Younger family members may struggle to comprehend the finality of suicide and grapple with immense feelings of abandonment and betrayal. At the same time, adolescents may contend with the additional burden of navigating their own emerging identities in the shadow of such a traumatic loss.
As adults, we must put ourselves in their shoes to imagine the impact of the loss on their emotional, psychological, and social development. Losing a loved one to suicide can be life-changing, shaping their worldview and sense of security in unforeseen ways.
Avoiding the topic or providing vague explanations may lead to misunderstandings and anxiety. Don’t quiet a younger child or make them feel they are asking things they shouldn’t ask. Try to answer their questions as honestly as you can. Older children may need to process on their own. Give them their space, but let them know you’re there to listen whenever they’re ready.
Build a Support Network for Children after a Suicide
It’s important to assemble a support system for children during this difficult time. Involve other trusted adults, such as family members, teachers, or counselors as healthy outlets for your child’s emotions. Whoever you involve, the child should feel safe in their presence.
Inform the school of what happened so they will understand your child’s absence and, afterward, any behavioral problems. Your child may even need to take a mental health break from school or access counseling resources there that might be available to help them.
When children return to school after a suicide, they may act out as they continue processing angry and convoluted feelings. If so, try to avoid blame and discipline, opting instead for conversation, curiosity, and understanding.
Consider joining a support group for suicide loss survivors. Connecting with other families can provide opportunities for children to interact with peers who have experienced similar losses. This can help them see they’re not alone.
Seek Specialized Help for Children after a Suicide
As a licensed social worker, I highly encourage parents to explore professional grief counseling for their grieving children as soon as possible after the trauma. My sister declined immediate free counseling for her children, and six months later, they had behavioral shifts that were easily explained by grieving. They were displaying emotions she wasn’t equipped to manage, but by then, the free counseling was harder to obtain.
Counseling can be a great relief in helping children accept what happened and why their loved one’s suicide isn’t their fault. There are many professionals who are eminently qualified to help children process their grief. They can be found by searching for child-focused grief counselors, therapists, or mental health professionals.
It’s also important to normalize seeking counseling. Even children may resist or feel ashamed about getting professional help. Normalize the idea and let them know it’s okay to talk to a professional about their feelings. Be clear with them that adults get help from counselors, therapists, and doctors, too.
Maintain a Routine for Children after a Suicide
Try to stick to mealtimes, bedtime rituals, and school schedules as much as possible. Maintaining regular routines is essential to providing a sense of stability and normalcy for children.
When they’re ready, encourage older children to return to their normal activities, such as participating in extracurriculars and hanging out with friends. Remind your older children you’re there for them if needed. Also proactively check in when they appear to be going through a difficult time, so they feel acknowledged.
Focus on the Departed’s Life, Not Only Their Death, after a Suicide
Encourage the children to recall positive memories of their loved one who died. Sharing stories, looking at photographs, and engaging in activities that remind them of happy times can help them retain positive memories.
My niece is now eight. Over the years, she would sit next to me and share happy stories and memories of her Uncle Jac. She would express how much she missed him, and I always validated her feelings and told her I understood. I never silenced her, even if I didn’t feel like talking about Jac. She needed to share in order to heal.
Reassure Children About Their Future after a Loved One’s Suicide
Show your children that although their life has changed, they still have a positive future. Address their fears and insecurities by providing reassurance and support. Talk with them about their future and the plans they spoke about with the person who died. Assure them they can achieve their goals despite the changing family dynamics.
Like adults, children can be impatient. Remind them that grieving takes time. Help your children understand it’s normal to have mixed emotions and that healing happens gradually.
Encourage them to express themselves through art, writing, and other activities that can serve as healthy emotional outlets. The healing process will be ongoing and unpredictable for every child, so you will be challenged to find ways to help them based on their individual needs.
Be Present with Children after a Suicide
Helping children heal after losing a parent or influential adult to suicide is a multifaceted and ongoing endeavor. Perhaps the most impactful thing you can do is be there for them as they navigate their grief.
Through your compassion, communication, and support, you can provide the strength and support children need. And with your presence and persistence, you can help them move forward from grief to a place of healing where they can remember their fallen loved one not only with sadness, but also joy.
© 2026 Erie Crawford, PhD, LSW. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
