“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
To go to sleep and not wake up? Would be a blessing. I am.sad, tired, depleted, a new widow, no family, no career or friends.
No purpose. I am 66 and nothing turned out how I planned. Worked hard, college graduate with Honors no job.
FTW
if it wasn’t for my daughter who is fighting hyperglycemia and depression I believe the world would be better off with out me. I am losing ability to work and provide and will be nothing but a burden. a long sleep would stop the darkness and remove the stress I cause to those around me
I want to be numb. I want to not feel anything. If it wasn’t for my parents or my children, I would want not to exist.
Time is the difference you will not be this person, the change is swift. I pray you hold on and find peace
I wrote a comment about not wanting to live on this thread a good couple years ago. Things never get better,they can get worse though. If I had more guts,I’d have less guts. Eventually I’ll finally pass away. I don’t take care of myself,and sleep is the only escape. I even began to enjoy my nightmares,because it’s still better than being awake in this world. Good luck to y’all. Everyone has different situations. But I see most all of the comments share the same desire.
I’m so sorry, I go to dark places also but the small things in humanity turn it around. I’m introverted and struggle regular, I pray you find peace.
I don’t want to heal or feel better about my nauseating existence. In my experience, happiness is only ever temporary, like all things… just like life. So I reject all temporary things. Every iota of my being wants to die before the end of the year. I haven’t attempted suicide because I can’t bear the thought of putting my mother through that pain but in equal measure, I can’t bear the thought of enduring another year of this abysmal life I don’t even want. I care a lot about others and how my decisions affect them but I have nothing but hatred for myself and contempt for my existence.
Quentin,
It’s so painful to feel the way you describe, especially toward one’s own self. Are you aware that the feelings you describe might well be symptoms of treatable problems? I can’t diagnose you, of course, but feelings of worthlessness and thoughts of suicide are symptoms of depression. They also tend to reflect distorted thinking; that is, don’t believe everything you think. I hope you’ll get help from a professional who can help you. If you want to speak with someone immediately, call 988 or check out these resources.
Thank you for sharing here, especially with the feelings of pain and hopelessness you’re experiencing.
I know how you feel I been in the fire service for 35 years I know it a deadly and dangerous job. I have done stuff on the job where I should have died like in the summer of 92 when got dispatched to a college campus for smoke in the building
My engine 1 was first in we reported light smoke Small fire we can handle well 10 Minutes later all hell broke loose and my company was trapped But they all got out but me I was not scared. Not panicking no
Nothing I some figured I was going meet god that night and I was ready. I was at peace having the building come down around me. But I saw my dad our chief from where I was Standing there with the. Fear in eyes knowing he just lost his son. I guess that when the fight was on. I called a mayday Starting to fight like hell. To get out I finally did. With help of truck company I was ready to go but. It was the drive in me. To get out so i wouldnt Have put my mom and trough the pain of a funeral. Sometimes I wonder if cheating death. That night was worth it One minute I could say yes so would have to my parents and my fellow firefighter avoid the pain of a funeral Some I say no because I know my family who had passed before me are waiting for me.
I feel the same way. I’m done. Too much pain. My life has been nothing but pain. I want to go to sleep and just not wake up. The ways I think of ending my life doesn’t scare me, it’s what could go wrong and my dumb ass would not die and end up in a state home in diapers really hating life