“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
I would genuinely love to go to sleep now and never have to wake up ever again. I’m also at a point where I am worried that there may actually be a heaven because when I do eventually die I simply do not want to exist anymore. I truly cannot remember a time when I was at peace with the world. I just want to end.
Sometimes I wish I would just go to sleep and never wake up. I do not like being here at all. It is just too much sometimes.
Freemeega…
It’s so painful to feel that way. I hope things get better for you soon. I hope you’ll consider using a hotline, textline, or other resource listed here.
Hi Freemegagirl09
Hi know exactly how you feel I too feel that way my career as a firefighter started in 1991 and some 30+ years that I have been doing I have been buildings that collapsed around me. I have been in building that were burning down while was in there I been buildings where it got super heated and things cought fire on their own. That’s a called a flash over I was told in the academy your turnout gear will not save you I should been dead along time ago.But I don’t know why I am still here oh I
Know I will go the my life is now.I look forward to it
Thinking about an act is a passive activity, so how is that an “oxymoron.” Stop trying to sound clever and write something that doesn’t sound like you are getting paid by the word.
passive activity is an oxymoron. “activity” implies effort, passive implies no effort. Im not sure why you felt you needed to insult someone.
I am surprised at the sheer hostility of your criticisms. Her comments about wanting to stop living yet not wanting to do anything active about it don’t strike me as someone “trying to sound clever.” To me, the doctor has highlighted a true conflict for people with passive suicidal ideation. Your accusation that she writes as if “she’s getting paid by the word” seems both illogical and unfair. She’s trying to help people; that seems clear to me.
Passive Suicidal Ideation is real. Mine stems from massive child abuse when I was a child/teen.
I refuse to sit down and talk to a ‘therapist’. I will take this pain to my grave.
I don’t want to hang or shoot myself. I just pray that one night I will go to bed and never wake up.
Well my dad’s brother my uncle Charlie who was a soldier during Vietnam and suffered with ptsd all the rest of his life One night after he came back from heavy drinking with boys he told my aunt Dorthy he going up going to bed had massive headache she goes ok see you later she went up to bed about 11:30 she thought he already asleep and he been dead 2 hours By the time next morning came around he had dead 8 hours the medical examiner report he had massive brain bleed and there was nothing anybody could do. And yea he was suicidal too he had wanting to go for 40 years he got his wish I guess
I am truly sorry for your loss, but I really and truly hope I won’t have to wait 40 years. After a dear John note that the girl I hoped to marry decided to go on with someone else, 2 friends KIA, lost count of mortar and rocket attacks, 2 IEDs. I hopped on every convoy or patrol I could. Came back with no injuries. But deep down I was hoping to be killed. I sucked it up and buried it for most of the last 20 some years. Added on top of that questionable circumstances from my mother’s death and the few relationships I’ve had have failed miserably. I’m about to lose my job….. Yes I’m ready to go, I just want the pain and regret to stop.
We have this in common: I, too, suffered from child abuse, which lasted until I left home for college at 18, then permanently, at age 19. I too, suffered from suicidal ideation and tried when I was 14. Where we differ is on the idea of therapy. You enclose the word “therapist” in quotation marks, implying you don’t believe that therapy is real or useful. This I know to be untrue, as it has helped me enormously. It did occur to me, however, that one result of child abuse is a feeling of self-loathing. While completely unfair, it seems to be almost inevitable. That self-loathing, in turn, may make you think you’re not worth saving and taking your pain to your grave is your only option. It’s not true; the feelings resultant from child abuse are both damaging and inaccurate: your life is worth saving and, even if you’re skeptical at first, therapy is worth a try. Life can be better. It can’t be perfect, but it can be better.
I agree with you MadCichlid. Why I cannot get it why people want us to live when we are in pain. THey cannot listen and lead us our way… I think everyday in suicide and my thoughts are very intense. By the way I am from Canada, Two weeks ago a so called friend hurt me so deeply by making the following comments nobody will give me a job because I am old and mentally unstable , that I scare people and I put excuses for everything. The pain was unbereable that when I came home I started a session of physically self destructing myself. For the next 2 days I did not eat anything. Seems that hunger strikes eventually will kill me. My next one will be one week. Without love and support, compassion, comfort there are no wishes to live.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
If time travel was possible I’d go back and stop my parents from having me.