Across the Internet and elsewhere, people apply the term suicide survivor to two different groups of people: 1) people who struggled with suicidal thoughts or attempted suicide, and survived, and 2) people who were never suicidal at all, but who lost a loved one to suicide.
In a post last year, I defined a suicide survivor as someone who lost a friend, family member, or other loved one to suicide. I explained my use of the term this way:
The term “suicide survivor” – or “survivor of suicide” – is reserved for those left behind. It is used in the same sense that an obituary will say, “The deceased is survived by ….”
I was hardly alone. For decades, thousands of people – including researchers, suicide prevention advocates, lawmakers, and ordinary people – have used the term “suicide survivor” (or “survivor of suicide”) specifically for people who lost a loved one to suicide. The psychologist Edwin Shneidman, considered the father of modern suicidology, applied the term “survivor of a suicide” to people who lost a loved one to suicide as early as 1965.
Since then, numerous groups have referred to people who lost a loved one to suicide as “suicide survivors” or “survivors of suicide,” including the U.S. Congress, which 15 years ago established National Survivors of Suicide Day (the Saturday before Thanksgiving) to recognize people who lost a loved one to suicide.
In the last 40 or so years, numerous books targeting “suicide survivors” have helped people move through their grief, books like Survivors of Suicide, Suicide Survivors Handbook, Suicide Survivors: A Guide for Those Left Behind, Meditations for Survivors of Suicide, and No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One.
Suicide Language Evolves
Despite the term’s long history, I will no longer refer to people who have lost somebody to suicide as “suicide survivors” on this website, Speaking of Suicide. Instead, I will use the term “suicide loss survivors.”
Here’s why:
In recent years, a great number of people have come forward and publicly disclosed that they seriously considered suicide or made a suicide attempt. These individuals have brought into the light a problem long stigmatized and hidden.
Blogs such as livethroughthis.org contain photographs, interviews, personal accounts, and even videos of hundreds of people who thought about or attempted suicide, almost always with their full names attached. In just the last few months, articles highlighting this movement toward openness and advocacy have appeared in the New York Times, and the Boston Globe.
As more and more people with “lived experience” of suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts have spoken out, the clashing definitions of “suicide survivor” have created ever more confusion. David Webb, PhD, is a suicidologist who survived a suicide attempt. He writes:
“When I first started looking at the suicide literature, I did a Google search on ‘suicide survivor’, hoping to connect with fellow survivors. Google replied with dozens, maybe hundreds, of hits but instead of fellow survivors, I found that this language had been claimed by those bereaved by suicide. I was rather taken aback by this… It seemed like we were invisible to Google and I felt that even the language we might use to identify ourselves had been stolen.”
Increasingly, people who made it through a suicidal crisis are claiming the term “suicide survivor” for themselves – people like Andrew O’Brien, the veteran who proclaims in an online video, referring to his outreach to soldiers, “I am a suicide survivor from PTSD… [one day] I told my suicide story to 500 uniformed soldiers, and I am not embarrassed by it.”
Major suicide prevention organizations are responding to the language controversy. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention changed the name of its International Survivors of Suicide Day to International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.
Those who got out of a suicidal crisis alive really did survive a battle with suicide. Suicide tried to kill them, quite literally. And they lived to tell about it.
A Disclaimer for Suicide Loss Survivors
If you have lost a friend, son, daughter, spouse, sibling or other family member to suicide, you might identify as a “suicide survivor” even as others move away from the term. If you were to talk with me and call yourself a suicide survivor, I would never disagree or judge. What you call yourself is up to you, and the term “suicide survivor” may hold great meaning for you.
This post is not meant to imply rules or mandates for others to follow. Instead, I simply want to explain the terminology that I use on this website, and why.
Two groups of people with different needs and, in some ways, different agendas are going by the same name. It is confusing, and, to some people who have been through a suicidal crisis, it is hurtful, too.
Which Suicide Survivors Came First?
Suicide loss survivors were the first to adopt the term suicide survivors on a massive scale. Yet they were not the original suicide survivors.
I looked on Google Scholar for the first academic article ever to refer to suicide survivors. Among the many thousands of journals searchable by Google, the term suicide survivor first appeared in 1959, in an article that referred to “a post-slaying suicide survivor who had to be institutionalized for four years before he recovered sufficient mentality to stand trial.”
In 1975, a journal article reported the fates of seven people who survived after jumping off the Golden Gate or Oakland Bay bridge. Its title? “Suicide Survivors: A Follow-up Study of Persons Who Survived Jumping from the Golden Gate and San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridges.”
Still, even though there are a couple early references to suicide attempt survivors as “suicide survivors,” the term overwhelmingly has been used for people who lost a loved one to suicide.
Some people refer to suicide loss survivors by other terms. John R. Jordan, Ph.D., states, “In Europe and Australia, the more common language used to refer to this category of mourner is ‘the suicide bereaved’ or ‘the bereaved by suicide.’” I dislike these terms, because ideally bereavement is a time-limited period of mourning. Suicide loss is permanent.
Do Suicide Survivors Really Exist?
Regardless of who it is applied to, I have struggled with the term “suicide survivor.” Yes, someone who lost a loved one to suicide did not survive suicide. But really, nobody can survive suicide. Suicide is death. The only “death survivors” or “survivors of death” are those left behind. I presume this is why family and friends were called “suicide survivors” in the first place, just as people who lost a loved one to murder are called “survivors of homicide” and “homicide survivors.”
But “suicide survivor,” when applied to people who have seriously considered or attempted suicide, is a sort of shorthand. No, people do not survive suicide, but they do survive a suicidal crisis or a suicide attempt. “Suicidal crisis survivor” is clumsy. Really, who talks that way? “Suicide attempt survivor” comes more naturally, and its use grows as more websites, organizations, and news articles refer to attempt survivors.
The term “suicide attempt survivor” is imperfect, too. It excludes people who fiercely battled – or still battle – with suicidal thoughts and impulses without acting on them. Say that suicidal thoughts stalk a woman day in and day out. Finally, one night she lies in bed, tearful and clutching in her hands the means to kill herself, even rehearsing using it in various ways without actually harming herself. For hours, suicidal thoughts assault her. Despite her pain, despite her hopelessness, she exerts tremendous restraint just to stay alive.
Isn’t she a survivor, too? If so, a survivor of what?
A Caveat about Labeling, People, and Suicide
I expect that one criticism of this post will be why I feel the need to label people at all. Labels can be seen as dehumanizing – isn’t someone who survived a suicidal crisis or a suicide loss really just a person first?
I agree with person-first language. As a social work professor, I teach my students that there are no “borderlines,” only people with borderline personality disorder, no schizophrenics, only people with schizophrenia.
Labels can hurt, yet labels also can help. Whether we are talking about cancer survivors or suicide attempt survivors, trauma survivors or suicide loss survivors, the survivor labels can give people a way to connect with others like them, a sense of belonging, even a touch of pride and identity. They have survived.
Talking about Suicide is a Work in Progress
For now, at least, this site will use the labels “suicide attempt survivor” and “suicide loss survivor.” This certainly does not mean that Speaking of Suicide will exclude people who survived a suicidal crisis without making a suicide attempt, only that it will not refer to them by a shorthand label.
Ultimately, I would like to see the term “suicide survivor” apply to people who have survived a suicidal crisis – any suicidal crisis. The suicidal thoughts or suicide attempt could have killed them, yet they made it out alive.
At the same time, I worry that the term “suicide survivor” for survivors of suicidal crisis creates too much confusion, because of the term’s use, as well, by suicide loss survivors.
What do you think about language around suicide and survival?
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
I won’t say I’m a survivor, Of my husbands suicide attempt, I’ve yet to decide if I will survive. April 10, 2016 my husband put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger in front of me and our grown son. He survived! Yet now he’s in a wheelchair, bed ridden, and parlalyzed on his left side. I have PTSD, severe depression, He lived and stole my life, im home bound taking care of him, lifting him, bathing him, wiping his ass, holding things that he can’t, struggling to help him learn to walk again, hoping that WE will have a life again. He frequently tells me he loves me, I NO longer love him, at times I hate him, I’m am glad he lives, but not at my expense. This would have been easier if it had been an accident, I wouldn’t blame him or resent him. I ask Why yet I’ll never know, He doesn’t know why, and Guilt keeps me a prisoner here, he is a young man of 49, the thought of putting him in a home for the rest of his life all alone just hurts my soul, such a lonely way to live, but then I think he didn’t want to live so why can’t I just do it, but inside what if he no longer feels this way? How can I tell? I never know if he has the capacity to think clearly, he remembers things from years ago, but he’s always hiding under the covers, covers his head constantly, I get so lonely here, he never talks to me except to tell me he needs help using the bathroom, WILL I ever survive? I don’t know.
Tammy,
What a heartbreaking struggle for you, your husband, and your son. The suicide attempt itself was a traumatic and devastating experience, and the aftermath has left you feeling alone and angry. I wonder if you’re getting any support as a caregiver. Depending on where you live, there may be caregiver support groups. Here’s an article that might be helpful: Family Caregiving: Finding Caregiver Support and Making Caregiving More Rewarding.
I hope you will also consider reaching out for help by phone, email, online chat, or text, using one (or more) of the resources listed on Speaking of Suicide’s Resources page.
Thank you for sharing your experience here.
I’m 25 years old and have been battling severe depression for over 10 years (though I suspect I may have had some milder form of it as a child, too). I survived a suicide attempt when I was 15 that landed me in the hospital, and I’ve survived countless suicidal crises since then.
I understand the perspective of those who say that “survivor” doesn’t apply to us because it implies that our struggle is over and done with. And to some extent, I completely agree with that. I think the world tries to force chronic/long-term struggles like ours into a time-limited box — people want to step up and help you fight off your demons, then celebrate victory and move on. They don’t want to know that your demons will be back tomorrow, or next week, or next month. That being said, I can’t let myself think that way. It’s dangerous. Thinking that way reminds me that now, 10 years after my illness nearly killed me, I’m still fighting it daily and probably will be for the rest of my life.
But more importantly, it critically undermines all the many, many battles I’ve fought and WON over the last 10 years. I have been fighting for my life — literally — for over a decade, and I’m still here. If that doesn’t make me a survivor then I don’t know what does! And no, the war isn’t over, and it probably never will be. But I’ve already survived 10 years of it, so I choose to validate that by calling myself a survivor. And who knows…maybe tomorrow I’ll be a survivor again. 🙂
You are a Survivor and a winner. You are stronger than you currently think.
Every day you choose not to die, you are a winner. Every time you turn your thoughts from ending your life, you are a winner.
Everytime you choose to think about the life you want, and take some positive action toward that life, you are a winner.
Every day you choose life, you are a winner.
8 Years ago I had a failed suicide attempt (I died ,but was brought back). When I got home from the Pysch Hospital in my area I looked for some place to go (like AA for alcoholics) I saw a listing for a meeting for suicide survivors (I survived mine),the meeting turned out to be for people who had lost someone to suicide. I was told I could stay through the rest of the meeting (just not talk about my own experience).Were the people who survived the sinking of the Titanic survivors or were the families of those who died the survivors ?
I am a suicide survivor. A suicide attempt survivor if you will. I unsuccessfully tried to end my life almost 4 months ago. I have scoured the internet for SOMETHING that speaks to what I feel. There is little, if anything to identify with and many sites almost vilify someone like me. I am in counseling and my counselor has suggested we start a support group for people like me.
It is sad and frustrating that there is little voice and almost no understanding for those of us who battle suicidal thoughts.
Kris,
Fortunately, several sites have emerged recently for people who have survived a suicidal crisis. These sites might be of help to you:
Live Through This
This site contains photographic portraits and interviews with people from all walks of life who have survived a suicide attempt. Dese’Rae L. Stage, the photographer who created the site, is herself a suicide attempt survivor.
What Happens Now?
Unfortunately, this site is no longer updated, but it is still very much worth exploring. It contains inspiring accounts and interviews of people who have thought about or attempted suicide.
Talking About Suicide: Because It’s Not Taboo
This site offers a wealth of information, inspiration, and interviews related to surviving a suicidal crisis. Unfortunately, it also is not maintained any more, but it’s still valuable.
I hope these websites are of some help to you!
It is coming up on my first anniversary of the last time I was suicidal, and I’ve been contemplating on how to celebrate. I decided I wanted to do something I would never had done had I killed myself, something completely brand new. Then I was thinking about if I should document it, and I was doing searches to like create a blog name. When searching ‘suicide survivor’, I was shocked to see the term used when talking about people who have lost somebody to suicide. To be frank, I do not believe that those who lost somebody to suicide have the right to claim to be a suicide survivor. I have lost somebody to suicide and I have been to the hospital on multiple occasions for suicidal ideation. While yes, losing somebody to suicide is an extremely traumatic event, I don’t think that merits the right to use the term ‘suicide survivor’. We do not refer to those who lost a loved one to homicide as ‘homicide survivors’, but as people who lost a loved one through homicide. If I’m wrong about that, please correct me. Also, my definition of attempted suicide includes suicidal ideation, because while an action might not have happened your brain is still attempting to kill you. There are feelings and emotions you get when suicidal that you never experience at any other time. I don’t want to say ‘earned’ because that portrays being suicidal as a good thing (and I would not wish suicide on anybody-ever), but I truly do not believe you can claim to be a suicide survivor unless you have attempted suicide. To me I’ve ‘earned’ that title. Not because of the suicide itself, but because I survived it, and am here and alive today. I have healed to the point where I have given speeches about my experience to complete strangers, and I’m only 17. My journey is something to be proud of, and it’s almost insulting to see people who don’t understand it at all claim the term ‘suicide survivor’. I hope this doesn’t come across as attacking, I just wanted to weigh in on my opinion. Thank you ?
Lilajane,
Thank you for your comment. You articulated very well the arguments that many people have against using the term “suicide survivor” for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. The points you raise are excellent. It’s sad that you’ve come to this knowledge in a painful way, and I’m grateful you’re still here. It’s impressive that, as a teenager, you are giving speeches about your experience with suicidal thoughts.
One small detail: I do want to let you know that the term “homicide survivor” is used for people who have lost a loved one to murder. For example, see A Homicide Survivor’s Journey Through Grief, or Homicide Survivors, Inc.
It’s tricky. To me, the term “homicide survivor” wouldn’t make sense if it were about a living person, because nobody who is murdered survives. By definition, “murdered” means dead. Yet I used to feel this way about “suicide survivor,” too – that nobody can die by suicide and live to tell about it, so “survivor” inherently had to attach to the living. Over time, my ear has changed, and “suicide survivor” no longer sounds odd to me when applied to people who, like you, have survived a suicidal crisis. Perhaps the difference is that a suicidal crisis requires only one person? I’m not sure.
Anyway, thanks again for contributing.