Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Thank. For help. God. Bless. Angel
Thanks Carl, those are very kind thoughts. I am still not hopeful but I will read the book.
Hello Angelina, thank you for your message! I know what you mean about feeling alone and isolated. I know that there are childhood trauma support groups out there but I have not found any near me. So I would like to recommend an excellent book to you, “The Courage to Heal, A guide for Women Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Ellen Bass. It is a very good book that has women’s survival stories from childhood sexual abuse. Those stories may help you to not feel so isolated. I read it because, well because guys don’t talk about this and I was desperate to find some connection with others and have some perspective on my own experience.
I want you to know that you are an incredible person! How do I know this? Because I could not even bear to think about my childhood till later on in life when I was thankfully forced to face it or die. It was like waiting till the night before the final exam to start studying. But here you are, still in high school and having the great courage to face it! Positive quotes on your wall! Searching to heal yourself! Who are you!?! Most of us ignore it, stuff it, get stuck in addictions to manage it, until our lives are completely falling apart. You are so inspiring to me and I feel that you will inspire and help so many people that are suffering because of your great courage and determination to heal yourself.
I love the quote you shared because it refers to the faith we can have in finding our life’s purpose. Here are some of my favorite quotes. “Don’t believe everything you think.” “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” “Letting go is to give up the hope for a better past.” and “Today I am going to screw up and I’m okay with it.”
Carl
The hope box is a really helpful idea. Thank you
I am a 55 year old female with a good professional job. I have been depressed since age 12 due to sadistic emotional abuse as a child. In my experience it is harder to talk myself out of suicidal thoughts which each new onset of depression, since there is less and less evidence that hope for the future is valid. Depression is forever.
Hello Lisa. I can completely relate to the feeling that the depression and suicidal thoughts will never end. After much therapy I finally realized that I had absorbed or internalized so much toxic shame and negative beliefs from my childhood abusers that I had never been able to create my self-worth and happiness. This is absolutely normal for anyone who has lived through abuse. We were so vulnerable as children, and they can be so cruel. I never told my parents of the sexual abuse or physical abuse. I completely internalized what they told me, that I was a bad person, that I deserved to be punished, that I should die. That no one would ever love me if they knew the truth about me.
But two years ago I read a book that changed my cycle of depression and self-hate. Its called THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. In his book he teaches us how to live in the present where our fears of the future cannot hurt us, where our anxiety and pain over the past no longer sabotages us. We are not our minds. Yes my mind continues to have negative thought patterns from my childhood and PTSD but I can look at those thoughts now without being constantly pulled into mental drama, self destruction and depression like before.
We don’t have to believe everything we think. We don’t have to identify with the mind. I’m not trying to say that this is easy but with work and mindfulness it can be done. Please read the book, it was a lifesaver for me. I really can’t believe that I am still here. Yes I still get triggered into my emotional mind which wants to destroy me, but I now know that I can get back to the present where the mind can’t torment me.
Best wishes,
Carl
Lisa and Carl,
I’m with you both. 63 year old woman, worked in IT most of my life. I love programming computers and started it back when it was a new thing.
But I suffered disabling bouts of depression and suicidality. Years of meds and therapy helped a lot, yet the depression would come back. Eventually I got to the point where I was always thinking of suicide.
Also read that Eckhart Tolle book, Carl, and it’s wonderful. But I have actually been practicing mindfulness since I was in college. It’s necessary. But I think my brain was too messed up, and the depression came back as recently as last summer. I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital in Pittsburgh and requested ECT. Yes, ECT. My mother had it in the late 1950s and later told me she preferred it to medication. Even as bad as it was then.
ECT got rid of my preoccupation with suicide. I still have some troubles, but I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t even understand why I ever did. What a blessing!
God bless you both.
Pam
So true Lisa, I’ve lived with depression all my life. I was born like it.
Lisa – I am a 64 year old woman who has been depressed and suicidal since I was very young also. The best time in my life was the 9 years I moved in to take care of my Mother. She and I became best friends before she died.
Now I am alone. I have no friends, no spouse, and no children. I am ready for my life to be over.
Thanks for listening.