Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Not Today
Anonymous,
I love this. What a wonderful coping statement – “Not today.” It acknowledges the reality that suicide is an option, but it need not be acted on. At least, not today. Sort of like AA’s “one day at a time,” but better.
Thanks for sharing!
I know these thoughts can help, I understand that suicide isn’t the option, but it would be nice if Medication and doing things that make you happy, made it possible for you to not think about wanting to not be alive anymore. I am just unhappy in my happy world. I have a great family, some very close good friends, a loving partner, a beautiful daughter and I love my job. BUT the wanting to die feelings and ideas never stop, I can be so happy and then all of a sudden I feel heavy and hear my mind saying, “I wish I didn’t want to die. I want to die and I don’t understand why.”
I’m on medicine, it always helps for a little while then the dose has to be brought up and eventually a medication change.
I just would love to understand and know how to stop the wanting to die feelings, when I’m happy with my life. Yes, moments upset me, but it isn’t always these upsetting moments where I feel suicidal. Half the time I’m happy and it makes me feel so depressed that no matter how much I do to help myself stop, even counseling on top of it all, it never stops.
Since I was a child, these thoughts haunt me. I would like them to stop, because I really love how my life is going. It’s been really bad before and cutting/self abuse was a major issue for me. Being drunk a lot as a teen was also a turn too.
I’m living my life much healthier, with better decisions and no more abuse from myself or my abusive ex and I can’t stop wishing sometimes, through every day, that I could just not be here anymore. I want to, want to live, how can this happen if nothing’s ever worked?
“Happy and depressed,”
I’m sorry that suicidal thoughts are tormenting you like this. For many people with longstanding suicidal ideation, thoughts of suicide become a habit of the mind. I write about that in my post, “When Suicidal Thoughts Do Not Go Away.”
Unfortunately, the more we try to make thoughts go away, the stronger they can become. Thought suppression seldom works; what works better is accepting one’s thoughts but not putting so much stock into them. Mindfulness is one way to achieve this. For more information, see my article “Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts.”
There also are books that might be helpful to you. One is Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy. Another is How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention. (Don’t worry, I don’t get any profits from the sales of any of the books I recommend on this site, except my own!)
I hope this information is helpful to you. If you find a particular technique that works for you, feel free to drop back here and let us know. I am certain others would find the information useful.
The bottom line is no one truly knows your pain. Everyone is oh my dad or something. My pain is deeply personal and no one knows. This is why these web sites are bull. I’m a coward because I’ve tried twice and failed. Recently after Kate and Anthony it’s nearly all I think about. I’m plain tired. Being depressed takes all your energy.
TalkBeforeSleep,
I understand you think this website and others like it are bull, so you might not believe me when I say I’m sorry about the deeply personal and intense pain that you describe. The suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are tragic losses in themselves, and they additionally are dangerous for vulnerable people who, as you describe, now think of suicide all the more.
Though depression might tell you otherwise (depression is an artful and compelling liar, by the way), there are people and places that want to help, or at least to try. I hope you will give them a chance before taking action to end your life. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 is one such place, as is the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, if you’re in the U.S. Other places are listed on the Resources page at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for stopping by here. I hope that you experience some relief soon.
Ive looked for stability my whole life cause didn’t have much growing up.Dad tried to drown me and has a rap sheet pages long. Mom was incapable of raising us due to drinking and pills so I raised my brother and myself. Fast forward Got married and had a home a real home, we became different people and as so many do the marriage ended and lost my happy home worked so hard for. For the past 5 years been moving from place to place searching for that stability and loving partner. Took a long break from playing music professionally cause the internet destroyed the business and most venues in FL would rather pay less for mediocre artists. Being totally sober in the music biz is very lonely cause so many people are addicts so I cant relate to many of my peers. Came to Ormond beach where I love the saltwater fishing in hoping to repair my finances which I was doing, lost job yesterday and they didn’t tell me why cause its right to work state. Wanted to save up and get back to Tampa area I don’t see a way out of this 5 year tailspin. The thing is I know what will make me happy , had it in marriage, home and a loving partner. Autistic too so stability is golden . Havent had this in so long. Sorry rambling now. Love u all for your courage.
Shane I was drowned many times by my cousin and his friend in the public swimming pool that I felt many times that kick for life when your body shakes when there is no more oxygen left in your body its a horrible feeling. Im sorry you lost your home that must really suck. I envy you that you are music talented. I’m sorry you lost your job. Im sure you will find another loving patner. It’s ok to be Autistic like as in you said your still functional I hope you find stability and love. Take care Love, Ryan
Hang in there, please!!! I think we share something in common. We believe our happiness revolves around a loving partner, a stable and secure home, or things, or whatever it is. The sad issue is we define our lives around everything but ourselves!!!! I still struggle with this. Im a divorced single mom. My happiness was in a loving stable supportive home raising my son in a family. Its all gone, i move every 3 months to a shared room I rent from other families and my ex just continues to knock me off my feet everytime i get a grip to pull myself up. But i have hope. Hope is really the key and finding ways to define your life with who you already are!!! God bless
Jesus I wish I could find a partner. I’m so desperately looking for a partner in my life now that I’m 31 social anxiety depression bi polar. I need to be felt loved and needed. I’m close to giving up. I’m just so lonely I need companionship but im so afraid and uncomfortable with people. That I’m destined to wind up alone. I’m gonna be alone for ever.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Well I guess my post wasn’t good enough for even a site full of people just like me, who failed at life and then failed at killing themselves, too.
I spoke from the heart and tried my best to help … should have known it wouldn’t be worth anything to anyone
But at least I made the effort, just like every hellish day of my life.
Thing is, they say there’s something broken inside me, but I’ve tried every pill and every treatment there is … ‘They’ act as if it’s MY FAULT that ongoing, torturous abuse paired with crippling and horrifyingly painful physical disabilities are too much for me to handle … and I never wanted a perfect, pain-free life, I just wanted a break from the horrible, horrible abuse and forced drug use and sub-standard living conditions and botched surgery and and and … just once in a while, to be able to breathe or sleep or smile, just sometimes ….
The only thing that stops me sometimes is knowing 1. Other people are in hell and yet they still keep on truckin, so maybe I can, too, and
2. If I do it, it will undoubtedly inflict painful emotional wounds on everyone from the very few who love me to the witnesses and workers tasked with cleaning up the aftermath and knowing that those are the kind of wounds which may eventually drive others to suicide.
The only reason I can hang on most days is because I know that others don’t deserve to suffer the way I suffer. Wish I could figure out why the universe dumps all this hell on me, why I can’t wake up from this nightmare … I guess some people matter more than others, and I’m not about to make anyone feel like me; like less than a person because I’m so broken and worthless that I can’t handle daily trauma and pain and no one cares enough to even do their job to help me make things better.
Idk if this will help anyone at all, just please know that you’re not alone … Most people will never, ever witness what I am and have been subjected to, even in horror movies … so if you’re stuck in a flick worse than The Last House on the Left, you’re not alone. Best wishes to you all and God bless you.
Nobody, I’ll touch on 2 points you made “crippling and horrifyingly painful physical disabilities are too much for me to handle” My father is in somewhat of the condition you are are in he has a shattered hip and is is chronic pain in his knees I think from gout, so I am terribly sorry you are going through such things. You can get steroid shot for where the pain hurts like my grandparents did for their back pain and my dad is soon to do for his hip.
Also a tip from me from what my dad went through don’t pay the pharmacy through your doctor with medicaid or medicare for pain meds it might only be 11 or 20 dollars cash you pay but they will give you more pain pills if you pay cash.
As far as “just once in a while, to be able to breathe or sleep or smile, just sometimes” my dad has sleep apnea and copd so I feel you there too, The CPAP mask seems to help him alot. There are Melatonin, Valerian natural sleep aids you can find at Safeway. I don’t know how well Ambien might work for you it helped my grandpa out but he started talking to people in the bedroom mirror at night.
As far as “smiles” take whatever ones you are given and give back as many as you can. To me Thank you’s are worth more than smiles anyway. Take care I wish you well, Love Ryan.