Suicide causes so much devastation in the living – so many overwhelming feelings, so many should-have-done’s and could-have-been’s, so many questions.
Amid such heartbreak, many survivors also agonize about why their loved one did not leave a suicide note. Melinda McDonald, a blogger who lost her husband to suicide, wrote about this agony in a deeply moving blog post:
I have struggled off and on with the fact that my husband did not leave me a suicide note. I am once again struggling with this. I have been for weeks now. Through talking to other suicide widows, I know that the suicide note doesn’t always bring comfort. It often times places blame, doesn’t make any sense, or just flat out, doesn’t bring ENOUGH love and affection to such a horrible situation. But there are times like now, that I wish I could pull out the note, and read it. Maybe to be reminded of what a dire state my husband was in. That death was his only option. Or just to see “I love you” one more time.
The Uncommonness of Suicide Notes
Thanks to movies and TV shows, many people believe that suicide notes are common, and that such notes provide answers to tormenting questions. The real world is quite different. Only 15 to 38% of people who die by suicide leave a note, according to results of 5 studies published in the last 10 or so years.
For survivors of the other 62% to 85% of suicides, the expectation of finding a note can lead to more pain. Another blogger who lost her partner to suicide wrote in a blog post (which is no longer online):
“I searched for a suicide note, not recently but back when I thought there might have been a note left for me. In the days he was missing, and intermittently after he was found, I vigorously ransacked Mottsu’s belongings. I turned everything inside out and upside down, looking for a last communication. No note was ever uncovered. I did worry I might have overlooked a final message of…. of what? The phenomena of a suicide note is perplexing. It is almost the expected protocol that someone who leaves unexpectedly, and without explanation, should leave behind a helpful note.”
What Suicide Notes Do and Do Not Say
It is natural to yearn for a suicide note in the absence of one. You may wish you had a window into your loved one’s mind in his or her final hours, perhaps even minutes, of life.
In the first blog post that I quoted above, the writer Melinda McDonald did ultimately remember a note that her husband had written her – not before his suicide, but before his first suicide attempt. Rediscovering this note brought her great solace.
But many times, a note leaves people aching for more. This is because suicide notes seldom contain dramatic answers to painful questions.
The most common theme in suicide notes, according to one study, is instructions. These instructions concern financial affairs, funeral arrangements, people to be notified about the death, and even trivial matters like cancelling the newspaper subscription.
The mundane instructions found in suicide notes prompted a psychologist, Roy Baumeister, Ph.D to state in an interview:
“Instead of explaining why they are in a suicidal state, most [notes] relate to feeding the dog and taking care of the plants.”
When notes do go beyond mere instructions, the most common emotional themes include depression, guilt, shame, hurt, and anger, according to another study.
It can be hard to make sense of the depression and other painful emotions that the suicidal person endured, let alone understand how those emotions could demolish all desire for survival. For this reason, suicide notes that describe the person’s emotional state may become the proverbial riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a puzzle: whatever answers that suicide notes provide may lead to yet more questions.
Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.
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© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
No thank you because you are obviously biased on the subject
Typically an out for any and every thing. Leave a note….Don’t leave a note…… I would think any information that would truly explain the suicide of a loved one would help bring closure……..
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. — SF]
Thank you
Very useful information. I was just curious just recently a individual OD’d on heroin but lived thanks to the paramedics. then turn around and blamed it on his girlfriend because she broke up with him
helllo my friend/sister……i under stand the impact this can have on someone…my grandfather woke up at 430 am like he did every morning and found a note by his coffe maker……these notes left us devastated,,but as you said,,,,,it left reason,,,, did it make it easier…..no. and even tho it left some insight….. it left more anger towards the people that made my uncle take his life that day…november 7 1996,,,, that was my father like uncle,,,his best friend was my dad…..,my uncle was who I knew as a father figure tho….. so when this happened,,,everyone lost a brother ,son a best friend. and even yes a dad,,,,he left a son with minor disabilities behind,,,…it was rough and still feels like yesterday,,,,but,,,,I can’t still hear the scream from man that nvr cried in his life….(my grandfather). ,,with out his death…i think there would be more suicides or ……even..myself…. it was his death that made us all stronger to go on…and beat temptation to take ones life because we knew first hand what the impact is…. with out that we would of nvr relized how many people it hurt more than helped..you have to remember when a human gets this far they aren’t thinking right,,,,, I know he wants to be here today,,,but,,,,I always tell people( its possible god knew it would be this way,) and now (he/my uncle/ and your husband) are doing greater things than they could of possibly done on earth,,,,,and I kno………it totally doesn’t feel that way…… but as the years go on……it just makes more sense,, as well it prevented sooooooooo many future deaths because of this random suicide……I think to myself ,,,,,,where would I be if he was here…
I don’t kno and ill nvr kno….but I do know one thing,,,,they are with us today just as much if not more than they could of been alive… i kno it doesnt feel that that….but we have to remember,,,,,its not the physical things that counts….
sometimes its the physical thing we need to feel secure….. but I believe everything happens for a good reason…..
I kno you want that note to pull out and read,,more than anything in the world somtimes,, but with that note,,,
would you of made this page, would you be helping thousands of people type of there inner dealings,,would you of impacted many by being greatful they at least left their loved ones at least something…. we will nvr kno….but what I do wanna say is,,,,,, thank you for sharing this,,, ive had many suicides after the first one I experienced,,,,,but noone like my father figure/ uncle) God let me kno….. the life cycle continues and someone right now that has started the cycle is holding that baby and is worth more than any one will ever kno….
if you hav kids youd understand…
I’m very sorry for your loss….but because of it…i bet you saved many with this site and page…some people I’m sure of it are close to taking there life them selves … but im also sure his death did not go in vain.
I kno its not fair to us……
but we need to remember,,,,its not the physical things we need.
but we understand it helps….
please email me if you ever need at anytime….
subnetdreamcast@gmail.com