“She is not really suicidal. She just wants attention.”
“He did not really attempt suicide. It was just a cry for help.”
“If she had really wanted to die, she’d be dead.”
These are often the reactions of friends and family to a suicidal person. Sometimes, it is true that a person who made what appeared to be a suicide attempt did not really want to die. In one large study, nearly half of people who reported that they’d attempted suicide endorsed the following survey item : “My attempt was a cry for help. I did not intend to die.”
The flip side of those study results is that more than half of people who reported a suicide attempt did intend to die. They endorsed one of two survey items: “I made a serious attempt to kill myself and it was only luck that I did not succeed” or “I tried to kill myself, but knew that the method was not fool-proof.” (On a side note, I take issue with the wording of these items, as no method is fool-proof. People have survived gunshot wounds to the head, falls from great heights, and more.)
When Suicidal Behavior Really Is a Cry for Help
Even among those who reported a suicide attempt but didn’t actually intend to die, there still are serious problems for which these people deserve compassion and concern – certainly not derision – from others.
First, people who hurt themselves in an apparent suicide attempt do so because of great pain, desperation, or other distressing emotions. If they’re crying out for help, there’s usually a good reason for them to do so – and a good reason for others to listen. After all, if you were drowning in a lake and people were standing on shore, what would you do? Most likely, you’d cry out for help.
Second, it’s normal for people to need and want attention. Everybody has a need for attention; what differs among people is how they go about getting it. Threatening or attempting suicide is a very unhealthy, not to mention dangerous, way to get attention or communicate distress to others. It’s a sign that something is wrong. Even if the person doesn’t really plan to die by suicide, they do need help. There are other, more healthy ways for people to let others know that they are suffering, angry, depressed, or otherwise struggling.
Third, even people who threaten or attempt suicide to get other people’s attention can still die. Mistakes happen. A study of teens found that half overestimated the amount of Tylenol needed to cause death. So, a teen could overdose on Tylenol in the hopes of showing others how much they need help, without realizing the overdose will be fatal. Who knows how many suicides every year are a cry for help gone awry?
Take All Suicidal (or Potentially Suicidal) Behavior Seriously
In short, suicidal behavior is a serious, potentially fatal problem. This applies to suicidal thoughts as well as attempts. If someone you know is saying they really want to die by suicide – or has already tried – take them very seriously. They deserve empathy, compassion, and assistance, whether from you or professionals (or both).
Which would be worse – to presume that somebody really is suicidal when they are not, or to presume that somebody is not suicidal when they really are? Although both situations are complicated, the second scenario can result in death. It’s better to err on the side of safety.
Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com.
Updated October 2024
Actually, yes. The problem with me is – I crave attention. And the reason I want to kill myself is FOR that attention. At the same time – I recognise that this is a serious problem. And I hate myself for wanting to do that for attention because well, it is weird. So I want to kill myself anyways because I hate this part about me, This need for attention to that degree that it would drive me all the way to death.
Please get help soon You are worth saving.
I feel the same. U explained it well
A guy I was dating sent me text that he intended to shoot himself but heard his mother’s voice (she’s deceased) tell him to go home. I got this text at work and was sick over it. He’s got a huge gun collection. Recently he signed himself out of a psych hospital. He’s also but me out of his life. He said he never wanted a relationship but if he did he’d work on it with his ex wife. He suffers from ptsd. I don’t know how to cope. Half of me is worried about if he’s ok and the other half feels used and devastated. This had been extremely traumatic and I have an overwhelming sick feeling.
Yea it really sucks when your friends dont take you seriously.when I first got depression all my friends didnt really take me really that serious untill i started cutting then they were all like” oh my god why are you doing that we love you” and” we’re here for you at all times” but after a while they stopped caring
i think it is too much for a friend to handle sometimes. They really do not understand.
Yeah, ’cause when you make an appointment to help with your suicidal behaviors, they’re not going to take you that seriously. When you tell your friends you’re depressed, they’re not going to take you that seriously. When you tell your parents you can’t control how you feel, they’re not going to take you seriously. But as soon as you jump off that bridge or take those pills, they’ll be rushing to the hospital to get help, your friends will be there hoping you get better and your parents are finally going to get it. It doesn’t matter what you say, actions speak louder than words. The scars on your arms, the bruises on your legs, the gun in your bag, all of these things will say more than your mouth ever will. So, we shouldn’t care if people think we’re attention whores for attempting suicide, ’cause these are the same people that called us attention whores for trying to get help. Fuck them all and help yourself.
You have no idea how true that is with my family! When I was 15 I had mentioned wanting to kill myself in front of almost my entire family. Grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. I don’t remember much immediately after that, but a few days later after we arrived home my mother choked me and said to never say that in front of the family again and then offered me a rope if I really wanted to kill myself. I haven’t spoken to her in 17yrs.
I’m bipolar and have PTSD. I’ve been suicidal and been hospitalized for three attempts but have made others. Some were real, others were more like expressions of deep hidden pain. I think this variability makes it difficult for people to understand what’s happening–even for the person with the suicidal ideation. The issue is further complicated by people (like a friend with borderline personality disorder) who seem to want to upset and control people by announcing they feel suicidal. Since it’s difficult to tell what’s going on, I think it’s best to take all threats seriously. However, there is a point when the friend or loved of someone who keeps making threats and refuses help must let go and realize not all people can be helped. Some people just don’t want it or aren’t ready to accept it.
Sylvie, you make an excellent point – it is very hard to know someone’s intentions when a suicide attempt is made, and even the person who made the attempt may not know! I have definitely worked with people who were in deep pain, who wanted to die, AND who also wanted others to pay attention to them. So even if it seems like someone is being manipulative with suicidal behavior, they still can very much be in danger, and they definitely still need help.
And you make a good point about how hard it can be to try to help people someone who resists or refuses help. I write about the limitations of helpers here: “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person.
Comment edited on Feb. 13, 2015. – SF