“She is not really suicidal. She just wants attention.”
“He did not really attempt suicide. It was just a cry for help.”
“If she had really wanted to die, she’d be dead.”
These are often the reactions of friends and family to a suicidal person. Sometimes, it is true that a person who made what appeared to be a suicide attempt did not really want to die. In one large study, nearly half of people who reported that they’d attempted suicide endorsed the following survey item : “My attempt was a cry for help. I did not intend to die.”
The flip side of those study results is that more than half of people who reported a suicide attempt did intend to die. They endorsed one of two survey items: “I made a serious attempt to kill myself and it was only luck that I did not succeed” or “I tried to kill myself, but knew that the method was not fool-proof.” (On a side note, I take issue with the wording of these items, as no method is fool-proof. People have survived gunshot wounds to the head, falls from great heights, and more.)
When Suicidal Behavior Really Is a Cry for Help
Even among those who reported a suicide attempt but didn’t actually intend to die, there still are serious problems for which these people deserve compassion and concern – certainly not derision – from others.
First, people who hurt themselves in an apparent suicide attempt do so because of great pain, desperation, or other distressing emotions. If they’re crying out for help, there’s usually a good reason for them to do so – and a good reason for others to listen. After all, if you were drowning in a lake and people were standing on shore, what would you do? Most likely, you’d cry out for help.
Second, it’s normal for people to need and want attention. Everybody has a need for attention; what differs among people is how they go about getting it. Threatening or attempting suicide is a very unhealthy, not to mention dangerous, way to get attention or communicate distress to others. It’s a sign that something is wrong. Even if the person doesn’t really plan to die by suicide, they do need help. There are other, more healthy ways for people to let others know that they are suffering, angry, depressed, or otherwise struggling.
Third, even people who threaten or attempt suicide to get other people’s attention can still die. Mistakes happen. A study of teens found that half overestimated the amount of Tylenol needed to cause death. So, a teen could overdose on Tylenol in the hopes of showing others how much they need help, without realizing the overdose will be fatal. Who knows how many suicides every year are a cry for help gone awry?
Take All Suicidal (or Potentially Suicidal) Behavior Seriously
In short, suicidal behavior is a serious, potentially fatal problem. This applies to suicidal thoughts as well as attempts. If someone you know is saying they really want to die by suicide – or has already tried – take them very seriously. They deserve empathy, compassion, and assistance, whether from you or professionals (or both).
Which would be worse – to presume that somebody really is suicidal when they are not, or to presume that somebody is not suicidal when they really are? Although both situations are complicated, the second scenario can result in death. It’s better to err on the side of safety.
Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com.
Updated October 2024
I am way too done with my life and I want to end it but at the same time I feel like I don’t want to end it but I just want those people’s attention (my parents) that I am becoming suicidal because of them. I just want to cut my wrist in such a way that I only become unconscious and not die but I don’t know how to do that. If possible than please tell me how to otherwise it may happen that I may cut it in a wrong way and die but thats also nice but though I hate them I don’t want them to be in trouble after I die. Please suggest me how to do it correctly????
If your main reason for this is to show your parents how they’ve hurt you, you should try something else. Whether they find you unconscious or dead, they probably won’t accept the blame. They’ll say it was because you were weak or crazy. Or they’ll blame it on that friend they don’t like, the music you listen to, or the Devil. And the first thing all of their friends, relatives, coworkers, clergy, and therapists will tell them is “it’s not your fault.”
You’re probably better off trying to communicate with them some other way or trying to ignore them until you can move out. If the relationship is really toxic, don’t talk to them after you move out. You don’t have to have a relationship with your parents in order to have a good life. Hope that helps. I’ve lived through a similar situation and have had friends suffer through it too. And I’ve watched the parents of dead children bask in the attention their kid’s suicide brought them. A-holes are always a-holes, know what I mean?
I honestly feel like there is no more hope for me. Like There is a missing part of me that I will NEVER get back, and the pain is too much for me.
William, I hope you’re still alive. I was there about six weeks ago. I took two Dramamine (an over the counter medicine used to prevent car sickness) in hopes it would prevent me from vomiting the prescription drug I planned to take that was supposed to finish the job if I messed up shooting myself. The instructions on the Dramamine said to wait thirty minutes for it to work. It calmed me and helped me realize I had other options. Maybe you can do something to help you get through the night, then seek professional help when you’re not so desperate. BTW, when I’ve told Drs I had a plan and/or might kill myself later, I’ve been hospitalized. If I said I had just been thinking about it but was very depressed, they didn’t. Please get help. It can get better. You have to keep fighting and finding the good parts. <3
I can’t take my deep depressing pain any more. I’m scared to talk to someone because I don’t want to go back to the hospital again. I need help. I was planning on jumping off a bridge into the water. I don’t want to kill myself, though. That is why I need help quickly. I’m scared but I don’t want to mention it to any one I know.
William, my therapist made me make a list of things to do when I’m feeling desperate because sometimes just putting something else in your brain helps. You could call a friend; you don’t have to tell them what’s going on, just talk. Hang out with your pet if you have one. Take a hot bath or shower. Listen to music. Go some place that usually makes you feel calm. Watch a movie or show that you like. I don’t know what might work for you, but doing something that kind of puts me pause helps me get through those really dark spots. I sympathize about the hospital. I hate them too.
I am quite serious about killing myself. At the same time – I don’t want to actually die. It’s terrifying. So I’m asking people for help (sometimes repeatedly that it’s become some sort of dependency thing) I am sure it must be really frustrating for them but I don’t know what else to do.
It’s either that or I carry out my plan. Is this even healthy.
I feel your pain I am seriously still going to jump off the bridge If I dont get help quick.
Before you kill yourselves, please get some professional help. Sometimes it’s hard finding the right medication or combo, but they help. Sometimes it’s hard getting the right diagnosis. Someone might be depressed, but someone else could have borderline personality disorder, or bipolar Il–so what works for one might not work for another.
I sometimes do a suicidal attempt. And yes, i sometimes do it because i want someone to help me. I didn’t talk about to my friends or my family nor the school’s conselour. I hope that someday they’ll see the scars on my wrist. But i feel guilty, because i think my problem is not big enough for me to do suicide. And it made me think everyday ‘you just did this because you want some attention’ or ‘you weren’t serious about this’. Help?
Yeah I’ve got scars on my wrist too and I want less attention .
Actually, yes. The problem with me is – I crave attention. And the reason I want to kill myself is FOR that attention. At the same time – I recognise that this is a serious problem. And I hate myself for wanting to do that for attention because well, it is weird. So I want to kill myself anyways because I hate this part about me, This need for attention to that degree that it would drive me all the way to death.
Please get help soon You are worth saving.
I feel the same. U explained it well
A guy I was dating sent me text that he intended to shoot himself but heard his mother’s voice (she’s deceased) tell him to go home. I got this text at work and was sick over it. He’s got a huge gun collection. Recently he signed himself out of a psych hospital. He’s also but me out of his life. He said he never wanted a relationship but if he did he’d work on it with his ex wife. He suffers from ptsd. I don’t know how to cope. Half of me is worried about if he’s ok and the other half feels used and devastated. This had been extremely traumatic and I have an overwhelming sick feeling.
Yea it really sucks when your friends dont take you seriously.when I first got depression all my friends didnt really take me really that serious untill i started cutting then they were all like” oh my god why are you doing that we love you” and” we’re here for you at all times” but after a while they stopped caring
i think it is too much for a friend to handle sometimes. They really do not understand.
Yeah, ’cause when you make an appointment to help with your suicidal behaviors, they’re not going to take you that seriously. When you tell your friends you’re depressed, they’re not going to take you that seriously. When you tell your parents you can’t control how you feel, they’re not going to take you seriously. But as soon as you jump off that bridge or take those pills, they’ll be rushing to the hospital to get help, your friends will be there hoping you get better and your parents are finally going to get it. It doesn’t matter what you say, actions speak louder than words. The scars on your arms, the bruises on your legs, the gun in your bag, all of these things will say more than your mouth ever will. So, we shouldn’t care if people think we’re attention whores for attempting suicide, ’cause these are the same people that called us attention whores for trying to get help. Fuck them all and help yourself.
You have no idea how true that is with my family! When I was 15 I had mentioned wanting to kill myself in front of almost my entire family. Grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, you name it. I don’t remember much immediately after that, but a few days later after we arrived home my mother choked me and said to never say that in front of the family again and then offered me a rope if I really wanted to kill myself. I haven’t spoken to her in 17yrs.
I’m bipolar and have PTSD. I’ve been suicidal and been hospitalized for three attempts but have made others. Some were real, others were more like expressions of deep hidden pain. I think this variability makes it difficult for people to understand what’s happening–even for the person with the suicidal ideation. The issue is further complicated by people (like a friend with borderline personality disorder) who seem to want to upset and control people by announcing they feel suicidal. Since it’s difficult to tell what’s going on, I think it’s best to take all threats seriously. However, there is a point when the friend or loved of someone who keeps making threats and refuses help must let go and realize not all people can be helped. Some people just don’t want it or aren’t ready to accept it.
Sylvie, you make an excellent point – it is very hard to know someone’s intentions when a suicide attempt is made, and even the person who made the attempt may not know! I have definitely worked with people who were in deep pain, who wanted to die, AND who also wanted others to pay attention to them. So even if it seems like someone is being manipulative with suicidal behavior, they still can very much be in danger, and they definitely still need help.
And you make a good point about how hard it can be to try to help people someone who resists or refuses help. I write about the limitations of helpers here: “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person.
Comment edited on Feb. 13, 2015. – SF