Almost 80 percent of suicides are completed by men. 80%. And suicide is the second-leading cause of death in men under forty-five years old. Three of these men who died by suicide are my relatives: my father when I was a college senior in 1989, my 26-year-old cousin Vinny in 2013, and my youngest brother Brendan in 2022.
Men’s higher rates of suicide bring up two crucial questions: Why are so many men killing themselves? And why aren’t we, as a society, more focused on suicide in men?
Many people consider the more lethal means that men use for suicide, compared to women, as an explanation for this lopsided figure. Men are more likely than women to attempt suicide with firearms, which are fatal 85% to 90% of the time. Women are more likely than men to use medications in a suicide attempt, which are fatal only 2% of the time.
While choice of means is one possible explanation, I attribute the gender disparity to societal expectations placed on men, beginning in childhood, to be stoic and not show any weaknesses. These expectations create different standards for men and women.
Let’s face it: women do a much better job of expressing their feelings than men do. There’s no point arguing about this, fellas; we are clearly deficient in this area. Women talk more to friends and family members if they have suicidal thoughts. Women also are more likely to seek help through a mental health provider. In general, we know that men bottle emotions like sadness and grief and are more likely than women to hide incidents of child abuse.
Men get depression, too. This article by the Mayo Clinic tells what to look out for, and how to cope and heal if you are one of those men. But most men with depression don’t get help.
If men aren’t talking about their stress, sadness, and insecurities, then they are more likely to self-medicate through substances. No surprise, then, that men have much higher rates of alcoholism than women.
One could argue that women’s documented higher rates of depression and lower rates of suicide are a positive sign that accepting help lowers rates of suicide. Men’s suicide rates might go down if societal expectations changed so they, too, felt comfortable seeking help.
I recognize that I am generalizing about genders here, and I’m not including nonconforming genders. It’s important to recognize that most research on the prevalence of suicide includes categories only for male and female sex. I anticipate that this will change in upcoming years, but for now, allow me the leeway to make this point: Whether it’s because boys are raised to hide their feelings and to problem-solve without emotion, or because ongoing societal messages equate stoicism with strength, most men do not open up easily.
Many men would say they don’t talk about their feelings because they think most people don’t care. Men shove feelings down long enough for them to fester and cause problems down the road. These problems can include believing that there are no solutions to problems – and that the people around them might be better off without them.
There’s no question we are living in a historical period where there is intense criticism of men. Certainly some of it is deserved. Toxic masculinity clearly exists. That 10 year old boy who was taught to not cry, to be a strong problem solver, and to show no weakness, grows up into a man confused by conflicting messages for men and women. This directly leads to the gendered stereotype of men not asking for help, needing to be right, and prizing strength.
Toxic masculinity has led to many men feeling they cannot admit when they are depressed or need help. In turn, many feel shame. They think there must be something wrong with them, compared to their expectations. When they keep these feelings to themselves, you have a lot of men thinking they’re all alone.
I believe the shame and stigma that emerge from these pressures lead directly to their significantly higher suicide rate. If we can change that social stigma – if we can make it easier for men to talk about emotional problems and ask for help – we will have more fathers, brothers, and sons who stay alive.
We also need to ask why more attention isn’t paid to men’s higher suicide rates. The statistics showing the predominance of male suicide are dramatic and point to a significant problem, so why is there such little focus on male suicide?
If nearly 80% of any demographic other than men were dying by suicide, I am confident the conversation would be different. My thirty years of professional experience in human services is that if any historically marginalized demographic were dying by suicide at 4 times the rate of others, there would be outrage, focus, and money dedicated to tackling the problem.
Men are hurting. This is a societal problem that we all need to consider. It’s not just affecting the men dying, but the families of these men – unfortunately, I can attest to this personally. We cannot make changes around stigma and stereotypes on our own. These changes must begin with all of us talking about men’s mental health, suicide, and unrealistic standards for masculinity.
Let’s have the conversation.
© 2024 Don Ryan. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
Men commits suicide at rates far greater than women because men are under served if served at all by mental health practitioners and social services. As a previous commenter stated men are often viewed as the enemy and treated accordingly.
I am 60 years old. I have a heart condition and limited vision. I am facing homelessness, a homelessness of which I will not survive. I have called and called and called and called various organizations places and hotlines. All the so-called resources are nothing but phone numbers. I am turned down, or my calls are not returned, or there is no response. The same goes for emails. Additionally I am gay and many of the social service organizations as well as mental health providers have a religious bias that makes them look badly upon me.
If I call 988 or one of the other lockup suicide lines they ignore the very pressing issues that I have. Instead they grill with the bigger of a police interrogator about suicide and suicidal ideation. If my answers do not please them they send the police to have me taken to the hospital. The last time I was pushed to the ground, handcuffed, placed in a holding room 4 hours, then finally told by a cop to either go to the hospital voluntarily or be put in jail overnight as protective custody and face a judge in the morning.
It is well known that this is the way people are treated by the police when in distress. Mental health agencies and people know this is traumatic and brutal but they do nothing about it. Most mental health agencies and personnel are women, I believe the figure is around 75%. They do not have sympathy for a man in this situation. Or they try to out man a man in being assertive, aggressive and showing what a “tough broad” they are and become domineering.
Furthermore pills don’t pay bills. Unlike antibiotics, insulin, analgesics, and other physical medicine it is a crapshoot as to whether a psychiatric medication will work or not. Coloring books, bingo games, grounding exercises, or group therapy does not pay bills. It does not keep a roof over your head unless you are the leader of those group therapies or work for the hospital or mental health agency.
I am less than a year and a half from being able to get social security at 62. But I’m not going to make it. I have a utility bill due on the 14th with cut off on the 24th. Where I live if the utilities are cut off you get evicted. Period. I have reached out to so many organizations filled out so many forms and got nowhere. I have no money left anymore I have been out of work due to my health issues since January. I’m out of funds and resources.
There’s no other choice for me but suicide. I cannot get help. My health issues are treatable but I was unable to get them treated because I was working to qualify for employers insurance, or working to accrue the necessary time in to get days off to have my health issues treated. I ran out of time. A car accident which was not my fault cost me my job at one point because I was injured. I was forced to take a lowball settlement because I had run out of time and was facing eviction. There was no help then. There is no help now. I have no choice I have to end my life.
10 years ago I lost everything I owned and everything I loved in a house fire. I rebuilt since then. But I’m older now, and my health is failing. And I don’t want to rebuild from nothing again I’m too old and it’s too late in life. I’m exhausted I’m tired I’m worn out and I’m beaten. No social service agency or organization will help me. I’m either outright denied, or don’t qualify for one reason or another, or they just don’t answer voicemails or emails. I have told my story to so many people so many times to no avail.
I do honestly believe that if I were not a white male that the situation would be different. I worked all my life, I paid my bills, I did the things I was supposed to do. I was responsible. But there’s no reward for the man who does that, nor is there any help when life overcomes him beyond his control.
I have no choice I have to die. I won’t make it on the street. Not at my age not with my health and vision the way it is. I don’t want my life to end that way. I don’t want my life to end by suicide either but I have no choice. Its that or die on the street a victim of crime or the elements.
No one listens to or cares about the people like me. It is a slap in the face. It is another slap in the face in an insult to have to explain this to someone half my age who has no experience of what I am experiencing or have experienced…but they are the expert, the go-to person, the authority of whose counsel we should seek.
Mandated reporting is a farce. It serves only to enrich the mental health industry. By forcing hospitalizations and therapy mental health organizations make money. No benefit goes to the patient. No bills get paid, no help gaining employment or solvency, no path out other than endless sessions of therapy, grounding exercises, centering and so forth. There’s mandated reporting for suicide in suicidal ideation but no mandated reporting for when someone is going to be homeless. There is no mandated reporting for when someone is abused by the police. There’s no mandated reporting of unethical mental health workers who make a patient worse instead of better.
That is why more men commit suicide than women.
John –
I appreciate some of the realities of our system, but honestly I’m thinking more about you not being helped in the ways you need. I’m wondering if I can ask what city you are in and if you’d like me to look into some things for you.
Don
John, if you’d like, I can give Don your email so you can have a private conversation. Please just say so when you submit your comment and I won’t publish it, if that’s your wish, and I’ll send it to Don.
I really hurt for you and your words resonate so much.
You make so many wonderful, yet sad and honest points.
Thank you, my friend. Truth is that life is hard. Not “can be” – it is. And we may all go through different things, but we all deal with something. This, unfortunately, has been my thing and I am trying to deal with it in part by sharing with others that if a guy like me can get through it, that others can also. As Paul told us – I get by with a little help from my friends.
Don
I've been at the precipice quite a few times and actually cut myself up pretty good. But every time I "chickened out", I found that the door slamming shut shook open another door and some amazing reason for choosing to live was waiting for me.
Those dark days were back in the 1970s, after receiving a "Desr John" letter in Vietnam, heroin addiction. Now living in a lovely mountain town near CA/OR border with my wife of 48 years and our kids/grandkids living in their own homes less than 10 min away, I really can't understand why I focused on the darkness and shunned the light.
It's all about letting go of the idea that problems are permanent. Look for the light; it's out there. Ask someone to show you where it is.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
That town and your family situation sound beautiful, Allen. Happy for you and your family. I appreciate the sentiment of not believing things could be different, and now not understanding how you considered not arriving to your destination in CA/OR. Sometimes we just have to power through those hard times with the help of friends, as difficult as it is sometimes. Thanks for being an example for all of us that “what could be” is possible.
Don
Don, I could say a lot about what you just shared but nothing more important than well done!
Appreciate you, John.
Don
Just a couple of other factors that likely contribute but weren’t mentioned: men don’t just bottle because they’re trying to live up to the hallmarks of stoicism and strength that supposedly “toxic” masculinity beat into them, many of us also learned early and learned well that speaking about your feelings, problems and worries was liable to be used as a weapon against you later. Whether it’s up front mockery for being “weak,” or potential years of needling directly in whatever weak point(s) you disclosed or flaunting and “outing” them to others for further mockery, men learn that their own emotions can and will be weaponized against them… and with society’s current standards, it’s often ignored – if not actively applauded – when it happens.
That ties directly to reason #2: Men – especially white, cis, straight men – are frequently considered and portrayed as “the enemy.” Somehow they are intrinsically evil, and even in a world where anything and everything becomes a demographic descriptor and any kind of critique, commentary or mockery directed at them is a hate crime, men are considered acceptable targets. Something bad happens to them? “Good; they probably deserve it” seems to be the common response. Media of all stripes seems happy to find as many ways as possible to remind men that they are horrible, violent, stupid, worthless, abusive and toxic merely because they exist, and the general public is equally happy to spew it themselves. Double so if the man dares question or complain about it.
When you get the combo of being continually vilified with no way to defend yourself that doesn’t result in further abuse, any expression of feelings or questions being weaponized against you and the world seems content to celebrate when bad things happen to you, telling you that you deserve it, while also leaping to defend, protect or lionize nearly anyone else, the end result is terribly predictable.
Kaine –
First, I agree 100% that these messages of these societal expectations of men to be strong, problem solvers, and to not admit weakness or cry begin in childhood. I appreciate you’re bringing that up and apologize if I wasn’t clear enough about that. We need to give our children different messages than we received.
Secondly, we are certainly living in a period of time where there has been a strong pushback by historically marginalized groups and there appears to less tolerance. I’m sure there are many reasons for this, and it certainly does not help the situation. The best thing we can do is talk to those people in our lives who we trust – change starts in small settings.
Don
I read this after spilling my drivel here and you so eloquently stated what I feel.
Don, this is a great article and is a common topic in the various depression and men’s groups out there which rarely seems to be touched on in professional circles. Frankly, there’s a lot of bitterness about this. It needs to be discussed more.
I think men, at least online, are a lot more open and understanding of this stuff than they used to be. If you go to most online spaces now and talk about depression as a man, you’re going to get a lot of surprisingly empathetic answers particularly from other men. Because most of us, at some point, have gone through this and had the same frustrations. Perhaps not always on the same level, but most of us get it.
There’s far bigger societal issues here and depression in men is an inevitable symptom of that. Attempting to look at just the depression isn’t going to work without looking at these other factors imho.
These issues begin in childhood. I have a son who is 9. He’s been in 2 different primary schools, as well as a preschool. Thinking about it, there’s one music teacher I’ve come across who is male. I think there’s a male gym teacher, and of course the cleaning crew is male. Other than that I’ve encountered zero male faculty members. None. There’s none of these kind of imposing male teachers that a guy can look back on fondly. I had one teacher who fought in World War 2, and he kept total order in his class and everyone loved him. At the time it was hate/love because he was strict, but everyone reminisces about him when talking about this school. I had a couple of other excellent male teachers. That positive influence outside of the home just isn’t there anymore. It feels like boys are treated like defective girls in our educational system, and the classroom environment doesn’t get anything like the best out of them. It’s probably fair to say that the classroom environment doesn’t get the best out of anyone, but boys seem to be negatively impacted more than girls. The nature of boys really hasn’t changed much, but the nature of classrooms has.
Even kids organizations – so at my son’s school we’ve got this program called “Girls on the Run” where only girls are allowed to join. Well, I’m a serious runner and running has to be the most egalitarian activity on the face of the planet and it irritated me to see my sport treated that way. So I wrote to the principal asking basically, “What the hell?”. And she told me that they were a nationwide organization and the school had no input into their policies, and that she looked for something equivalent for boys and had not found a single thing. Nothing. The Boy Scouts used to fill that role, and I’m sure there are other things like it, perhaps sports teams. But we saw what happened to the Boy Scouts and kids sports teams now are more vehicles to try to get a college scholarship than real bonding or learning activities as such. When you combine this with the growth of single parent households who may not have a father present, it’s a rough situation for a lot of boys.
It’s the same with therapy/psychiatry too. We’re all taught to ask for help, and that’s tough for a lot of guys. But as you note, even when a man swallows his pride and does so, that help isn’t always out there. I spent 5 years seeing a psychiatrist and it did absolutely nothing for me. You could just tell she didn’t understand what I was about. Therapy/Psychiatry is in my view extremely female dominated and there’s a definite misandric streak to it.
A few weeks back in my huge Facebook running group we had a graduate student – I think she was in psychiatry, but it was some form of mental health related degree – show up and tell us she was doing a dissertation on how men felt when women beat them at something and wanted to get feedback. She was snarky, disrespectful, and clearly had some personal issues she needed to work through. That aside, you have to ask, what kind of person would write a dissertation on a topic like that, and show up to a group and be that divisive? This is a mental health professional. Do you suppose when a man walks into her office in a few years with a depression problem, that he’s going to be treated well?
Another story – so when I was really bad a few years ago, my wife made mention that there was a therapist at her job and asked if she should talk to her. I advised her to do so, because I understand that living with a severely depressed person can’t be a very fun experience. And this therapist told her that the reason that I, who was sleeping 14 hours a day, was on 3 different meds and self-medicating besides, who only ever left my basement to do things with my son and who was under a constant non-stop barrage of suicidal thoughts… this therapist told my wife that the reason I wasn’t interested in sex was because I was doing some kind of relationship power play and she focused her sessions entirely on that. I mean, even misandry aside how does a mental health professional not know the side effects of SSRI’s? I think she probably did know the side effects, but chose to grind her axe against men instead.
Now these are personal anecdotes and a small sample size but there are a LOT of experiences like that. Go to any depression forum and men will bombard you with stories that are not much different than mine.
There are plenty of other societal factors, too. The extremely poor social safety net in America which is even weaker for men than it is for women (which also leads to the higher rate of male homelessness, which ties into depression and suicide), the general attitude that you should help a struggling woman but not a man. As a random example, a woman stranded on the side of the road is going to have people stop and help, that would almost never happen with a guy. But I don’t want to get too much into that or this will turn into a book.
Anyway, my point is that a lot has to be done in order to combat this epidemic. There’s no one solution. We can make more of an effort to reach out to men, and also make some effort to reduce discrimination and stigma towards men who have sought help. That much is obvious. But to really make changes it has to be much bigger than that. We need to get men back into education, particularly at the primary level. We need more male influence in the mental health profession. We need more boys organizations in order to give boys a strong mental/emotional base when they hit adulthood. And of course we need a better social safety net which will be of great benefit to everyone, not just men.
Thank you for touching on this topic. It needs more attention.
Paul –
Thank you. And I’m sure my response won’t justify everything you put in your comments. But, I agree – I have seen men get emotional only when they are genuinely asked how they are doing. It’s a huge problem and it’s not going to change quickly, given the complexities of this issue and the current state in history. But, I agree it begins with us: continuing those conversations; being more involved wherever you are called to do that; participating in those conversations with the facilitators, even if you think they are disrespectful. Our persistence today, will make changes for our children and our grand children. And for us until those changes are more apparent, we need to show strength through vulnerability by being open about how hard life can be and get the support we need.
Thank you.
Don
I really appreciated all of your comments, which are rarely, if ever, heard. I am a female, but have long noticed how mental health professionals completely ignore the male suicide rates and problems. Everything you said needs to be said to a much bigger audience. Thank you.
Thank you for reading all that.
Part of the problem is that I and many others who make these statements are inherently viewed as ‘unreliable narrators’ because of the stigma of having utilized the mental healthcare resources which are out there. We’re not taken seriously because we’re ‘crazy’ when in fact we did what is supposedly the rational thing to do under those circumstances as opposed to quietly drinking or drugging ourselves silly, abusing people around us, or worse. There’s an irony there but not an irony that makes me chuckle.
This is something that isn’t unique to a gender, or race, or anything else. It’s rough. Hopefully more people who have weight get involved in this discussion and champion our side of the cause.