Almost 80 percent of suicides are completed by men. 80%. And suicide is the second-leading cause of death in men under forty-five years old. Three of these men who died by suicide are my relatives: my father when I was a college senior in 1989, my 26-year-old cousin Vinny in 2013, and my youngest brother Brendan in 2022.
Men’s higher rates of suicide bring up two crucial questions: Why are so many men killing themselves? And why aren’t we, as a society, more focused on suicide in men?
Many people consider the more lethal means that men use for suicide, compared to women, as an explanation for this lopsided figure. Men are more likely than women to attempt suicide with firearms, which are fatal 85% to 90% of the time. Women are more likely than men to use medications in a suicide attempt, which are fatal only 2% of the time.
While choice of means is one possible explanation, I attribute the gender disparity to societal expectations placed on men, beginning in childhood, to be stoic and not show any weaknesses. These expectations create different standards for men and women.
Let’s face it: women do a much better job of expressing their feelings than men do. There’s no point arguing about this, fellas; we are clearly deficient in this area. Women talk more to friends and family members if they have suicidal thoughts. Women also are more likely to seek help through a mental health provider. In general, we know that men bottle emotions like sadness and grief and are more likely than women to hide incidents of child abuse.
Men get depression, too. This article by the Mayo Clinic tells what to look out for, and how to cope and heal if you are one of those men. But most men with depression don’t get help.
If men aren’t talking about their stress, sadness, and insecurities, then they are more likely to self-medicate through substances. No surprise, then, that men have much higher rates of alcoholism than women.
One could argue that women’s documented higher rates of depression and lower rates of suicide are a positive sign that accepting help lowers rates of suicide. Men’s suicide rates might go down if societal expectations changed so they, too, felt comfortable seeking help.
I recognize that I am generalizing about genders here, and I’m not including nonconforming genders. It’s important to recognize that most research on the prevalence of suicide includes categories only for male and female sex. I anticipate that this will change in upcoming years, but for now, allow me the leeway to make this point: Whether it’s because boys are raised to hide their feelings and to problem-solve without emotion, or because ongoing societal messages equate stoicism with strength, most men do not open up easily.
Many men would say they don’t talk about their feelings because they think most people don’t care. Men shove feelings down long enough for them to fester and cause problems down the road. These problems can include believing that there are no solutions to problems – and that the people around them might be better off without them.
There’s no question we are living in a historical period where there is intense criticism of men. Certainly some of it is deserved. Toxic masculinity clearly exists. That 10 year old boy who was taught to not cry, to be a strong problem solver, and to show no weakness, grows up into a man confused by conflicting messages for men and women. This directly leads to the gendered stereotype of men not asking for help, needing to be right, and prizing strength.
Toxic masculinity has led to many men feeling they cannot admit when they are depressed or need help. In turn, many feel shame. They think there must be something wrong with them, compared to their expectations. When they keep these feelings to themselves, you have a lot of men thinking they’re all alone.
I believe the shame and stigma that emerge from these pressures lead directly to their significantly higher suicide rate. If we can change that social stigma – if we can make it easier for men to talk about emotional problems and ask for help – we will have more fathers, brothers, and sons who stay alive.
We also need to ask why more attention isn’t paid to men’s higher suicide rates. The statistics showing the predominance of male suicide are dramatic and point to a significant problem, so why is there such little focus on male suicide?
If nearly 80% of any demographic other than men were dying by suicide, I am confident the conversation would be different. My thirty years of professional experience in human services is that if any historically marginalized demographic were dying by suicide at 4 times the rate of others, there would be outrage, focus, and money dedicated to tackling the problem.
Men are hurting. This is a societal problem that we all need to consider. It’s not just affecting the men dying, but the families of these men – unfortunately, I can attest to this personally. We cannot make changes around stigma and stereotypes on our own. These changes must begin with all of us talking about men’s mental health, suicide, and unrealistic standards for masculinity.
Let’s have the conversation.
© 2024 Don Ryan. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
look at those with disabilities vs those without disabilities and suicide rates despite gender.
Thank you for this comment. It’s an important one. I wasn’t discounting persons with disabilities, it just wasn’t the focus of this article. I appreciate you bringing this up for all of us.
Don
I clicked on the link for the 2% success rate for overdose but didn’t see that although it wasn’t the full article so may have been contained in that.
I was ready to take an overdose sometime back and decided first to google lethal dosages. Many of the articles talked about how often overdose doesnt work and that scared me. I’m sorry I did research.
Lee –
Sometimes we look for information or help in places that seem contradictory. Maybe you doing the research was the thing you needed. I’m wishing you peace and strength and hoping that you are able to talk to someone, personal or professional, who will listen and be there for you. You deserve it.
Don
“why aren’t we, as a society, more focused on suicide in men?”
Because society views men as powerful, and any time a man fails, it is the man’s fault.
Much like the fact that white people kill themselves at twice the rate of non-whites. Per the CDC. Because as with men, when white people fail, society considers it a personal failing, not a societal problem.
I don’t understand male suicide this is blamed on Toxic Masculinity. It seems much more intuitive to me that men being told they are Toxic, are taking that seriously, and killing themselves.
As a gay “cis” male of a certain age who actually faced a not-so-nice world, I will explain that today, I as a male, white at that, am viewed as The Problem, no evidence required.
Good luck to everyone. You are responsible for yourself and how you treat others, not how other people feel.
Well said. I’m not gay but I am autistic and I also have gender issues (I mask both as well as I can). I’m also a White male and unlike the other parts of my identity, I can’t mask that if people have an issue with it.
My thought is that if you’re a White guy and you’re able to keep up with the flock and you come from a decent background, perhaps you do have that ‘privilege’ I keep hearing about. But if you’re White and you’re not neurotypical, or you have some problems or you don’t have any generational support then you are in big trouble, because as you noted it is a then a “personal failing” in ways that it is not for other groups. According to society you were given every chance and messed it all up.
Which leads to fewer White males asking for help, or getting good help when they do ask for it, which must in part lead to those higher rates.
These days I try to take a stoic approach and not dwell on things like this. It leads to nowhere positive. All I can do is try and be the best and most real version of myself. That’s what I recommend to people.
David –
As a heterosexual man, I can’t understand what you experienced but I appreciate you seeing things from different perspectives. I didn’t mean to say that toxic masculinity is causing more male suicide – instead that that messages boys receive in childhood can both perpetuate toxic masculinity and cause men to not show weakness, because there is this societal expectation to be stoic.
I have also felt that people have judged me as a white, middle aged man, just on my appearance, despite those individuals not knowing how I grew up or what my immigrant father went through before emigrating to this country, which clearly contributed to trauma in my family. No one can see that, but I have felt judged in the same way. What I try to do is have good conversations with people who feel that way – sometimes it works, and other times it doesn’t. But I feel that I need to make that attempt.
Thanks for your comments.
Don
I am so sorry Stacey. You do so many wonderful things for folks in need. Have a wonderful day
John, thank you for your kind words! But … why are you so sorry? I’m confused.
Because we feel trapped in marriages that suck and jobs that suck
I can understand how it may feel that way. Especially when relationships change and our jobs are no longer as fulfilling. Please know that I have felt the same way. I understand that feeling of being trapped. Divorce is really hard – I went through it. Changing careers is really hard. But, my experience is that I am happier now than I thought I could be after my divorce – and so is my ex. I needed my brother, sister, and friends to help me through that divorce – hope you can reach out to those you trust to help you as well.
Don