How I Survived My Son’s Suicide

My husband and I were sitting in a police car when we got the news my son Charles, 20, died by suicide in 2015. That’s the moment I left my former self on a shelf somewhere in the past and this new self, a person I didn’t want to be, had to find a way forward.

My first thought was, “How could I be such a bad mother that my son would kill himself? Didn’t he know we loved him? How could I have missed his monumental pain?”

My son struggled with the physical pain of substance withdrawal and the emotional pain of a deep depressive episode when he took his own life.  What’s more, he hid his pain behind the mask of a clown. It took a long time before I recognized his death wasn’t about or because of me.

The drugs and alcohol he used to numb feelings of suicide ultimately drove him towards that end. While I didn’t know about his thoughts of suicide, his journal of rap music revealed his struggle, and I now understand his pain.  I included his rap lyrics in my memoir, Diary of a Broken Mind.

People look at me now after I give a keynote speech and say, “You are so strong,” thinking I am just naturally that way. But I was very intentional about my grief recovery and worked at it.

I’ve survived a brain tumor, a broken neck, an organ-eating infection, a brief death during a surgical procedure, an attack at knifepoint where I barely escaped rape and murder –all of which were a piece of cake compared to losing my younger child to suicide.  After my son’s death, I was emotionally underwater for at least three years, but I did find healing, joy, and a way to give back. And I’m going to share some tips in hopes that it helps you find your own path forward, if you also have lost somebody you love to suicide.

1.   Believe You Will Survive

You are confused, heartbroken, overwhelmed, numb, angry, bitter, sad, disbelieving, relieved, feeling guilty and so much more and all at once.

When I thought, “I can’t survive this,” I pushed back and told myself, “I will survive.” I didn’t know how or what that looked like. And I wanted to shed my skin, jump into shiny new life, and leave all that pain behind for someone else to sort out and let me know when I could return and continue forward. But I kept bumping up on the fact that I could not change what happened, and I would have to find a way to accept what happened.

The whole time, I clung to carrying forward my son’s legacy. Because if I didn’t, who would?

2.   Focus on Sleep

Grief after a poor night’s sleep is worse. So, at first, I asked my doctor for a non-addictive anti-nausea medicine that made me sleepy, because hypnotics had proven dangerous to members of my family.  This med was prescribed for two months so at 15 days before it ran out, I cut the pills in half and then quarters and researched other methods of finding sleep.

I started with an 8-minute meditation I found online and later extended it to a half hour. Then I found a local class on sound baths with Tibetan Singing Bowls that inspired restful meditation and deep sleep. Between classes I use a singing bowls video I found on YouTube. I made natural sleep strategies a religion because it’s so important to healing.

3.   You Can’t Heal if You Can’t Feel

Your pain has a purpose, and that pain makes up the building blocks to emotional healing.

Push grief away, and it will come back like a boomerang on steroids. Try and numb the pain with food, alcohol, or drugs, and it will keep you pinned to that early, ugly raw place for much longer. I trust that’s not what you want for yourself.

No emotion or condition lasts forever and the intense, soul-crushing stabs of grief last about 60-90 seconds. It feels like an hour, or forever, but the acute, breath-stopping pain is temporary, survivable, and healing. The emotion may re-fire, but it also subsides.

So, cry, bang on the floor, scream, and lean into your waves of grief. Allow yourself to feel it, and when the intensity lifts 60-90 seconds later, distract yourself with a healthy coping strategy. This doesn’t mean you will feel a rush of joy after. But distraction is a way to keep the intense pain from re-firing.

4.   Build a Toolbox of Healthy Coping Skills

While nothing will take the pain away, coping skills help lessen your suffering.

What might work for you? Journaling, an ice pack on your chest, intense exercise, cleaning house, painting, writing music, reading a Bible, talking to a friend, finding a group or therapist – all are examples.

The mornings were the worst for me. I didn’t want to get out of bed or face another day without my child. Life seemed useless, fruitless, senseless. I used a coping skill called opposite action and broke down the steps of getting out of bed into micro steps, so they were more do-able. I would say, “AnneMoss, just sit up, turn around and put your feet on the floor. That’s all you have to do.”

From there I would coach myself to go to the bathroom, wash my hands, and brush my teeth. Many times, the morning routine was interrupted because I would drop to the floor, curl up in a ball and cry. Once the wave of grief ran its course, I would lift myself back up and continue getting dressed and find myself outside. It was important that I get some exercise even if it meant crying the first third of the way.

Opposite action got me out of bed, got me to support group when I didn’t want to go (I was always glad I went.) In short, it helped me do hard things that helped me.

5.   Talk to Yourself and Be Kind

Tell yourself you are doing the best you can, that you feel such pain because you were capable of such love. Use your own name when you talk to yourself and address yourself as you would a friend. Would you be mean to a friend? Probably not.

“AnneMoss, you hurt so much right now because you loved so much. You tried so hard to help but it’s hard to fix something you don’t know exists and you can’t control another human.”

6.   Find Support

Look for other people who have survived this loss. Look for suicide loss support groups, a therapist, an empathic friend. I had lunch with others who’d lost a child to suicide or overdose because I needed those who’d gone before me as proof it was possible to survive and thrive again.

7.   Manage the Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda’s

While this could be tucked under coping skills, it’s so pervasive after a suicide loss, it deserves its own section. Others will try to talk you out of it, but it’s part of a suicide loss process.

We’re sure it’s our fault because we couldn’t stop it even though we know we can’t control the actions of another. You might even feel like you didn’t do enough or love enough and that’s why they died.

I’m going to share with you how I handled the coulda woulda shoulda episodes.

I told myself I could torture myself once a day at first but no more than 5 minutes. If I started torturing myself again in the afternoon, I reminded myself I had already tortured myself that morning and could re-torture myself all over again the next day for 5 minutes but for that day it was done. I tapered down by reducing it to 4 minutes, then 3 then every other day and so on.

Create a taper down strategy that works for you. If you find you are being worn to a nub by these thoughts, do seek professional help because it could be “complicated grief.”

8.   Forgive Yourself

Even though it’s not your fault, you probably still blame yourself. You’ll benefit from offering yourself forgiveness. You don’t have to set a date, just set the intention.

After about a year, I woke up one day and said, “Today is the day,” and I marked the occasion with a blog post called Forgiving Myself. It was the single most difficult entry I have ever written but it allowed me to process all the pain.

In that article, I pulled back the lens and saw the bigger picture. My son grew up in a house of love– it wasn’t something I said or did that caused him to suicide. For over a year, I had been hyper-focused on the 5% of parenting I did imperfectly, ignoring the 95% I did right.

Do I still have nicks of regret? I do. And I have to remember all those videos from the 90s that illustrate my love and the great times we had. I have to remember the birthday parties and sleepovers, times I stayed up all night when he ran a fever and those moments when he’d hug me with those arms scissored behind my back and told me how much he loved me.

9.   Forgive Others

It’s OK to feel and acknowledge anger, bitterness, and blame, but drowning in those emotions long term hurts you.

Bullying or someone’s actions could have been a contributing factor to your loved one’s suicide. But for your loved one to have taken their life, there had to be so many other factors that made them vulnerable to suicide. I’m not saying drop a pending court case if there was criminal intent but as grieving loved ones, we often embrace blame which can delay our healing and poison the relationships we have left. Ask yourself if it serves you.

10.   Help Others Understand How to Help You

Not all your friends will know how to sit with you in your grief and some will avoid you because they don’t know how to fix it. Their own fear of what to do or say paralyzes them.

So, tell your friend that watching an old movie together with a bowl of popcorn is fine.  Ask them to allow you to cry, talk about your loved one and that you simply need to feel heard. Tell them you need others to remember your loved one. Encourage stories and memories because we want to know our loved one mattered.

11.   Think of One Thing You are Grateful for Every Day

Because of my tragedy I couldn’t see any of the positive things happening in my life. This exercise helped open just a crack of light in my head so I could see the beauty happening around me. It took a few weeks, but it worked.

12.   Remember, Even the Wrong Things People Say after a Suicide Come from a Place of Love

I decided no matter what someone said that I would appreciate they had the guts to say anything at all.

13.   Address Suicidal Thoughts if You Have Them

It is not uncommon for grieving people to feel suicidal. If you are thinking of suicide, please tell someone and get support. Call 988, or text 741741. This post also might be helpful to you: Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?

It’s also OK to live at first because you feel obligated to live. A friend of mine with depression lost her only child to suicide and struggled a lot with suicidality. Her best friend got her to a therapist she still sees many years later. And I’m happy to report that she wants to live these days.

As a self-help step, write down your “reasons to live” on an index card in your own handwriting, fold it in half, put it in your pocket, and bring it out when you are at a place of despair.

14.   Let Your Grief Transform You

The soul that emerges after this tragedy will be a beautiful, wondrous human. You will never again skim the surface of life or take your relationships for granted. Grief makes life matter more. And while you will never be the same or get “over it,” your wounded heart will heal, and you’ll learn to accept grief as part of your life and recognize that it represents the love and the bond you have with the one you lost.

For More Information on Coping with Grief

You can find more tips in the free, downloadable ebook I co-authored with Karla Helbert, LPC, Coping Strategies for Grief and Loss.

_{© 2024 AnneMoss Rogers. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.}