“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list here are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (physical or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and actually like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved.
I’ve been trying to leave this manifestation for over 50 years. the gods don’t allow me to leave. Bastards!
Just let me die in peace. Little in this life has been worth the trouble of living through.
Yes, I know already… it could be worse. I have friends who grew up in active war zones
better.
[This comment was edited to abide by the site’s Comments’ Policy. — SF]
My dog died last Thursday – he was old but it was very sudden and after I had given him medication (from the vet)…I feel so guilty. I should have made more fuss when I took him in to the vet it was almost like I handed him over to die. I was with him at the end but the this all happened in 3 days and he had a horrible last 48 hours. I am devastated. I cannot stop sobbing. I am 55 and have always had a dog. The house seems so empty now. My husband was upset but he has a busy job and is quite stoic. I even got a stuffed toy dog out last night to cuddle. I feel silly. I have always suffered from depression but right now I feel that I wish I could just go to spleep forever and be with my dogs again. I have been through this before & obviously survived BUT I feel different this time…the guilt is unbearable & just wondering if he still loves me.
Do not feel bad for having something to hug – alive or not. My wife score Alzheimers’ in 2019. She does not stay with me now. 10 of her soft toys still live in the bed. I talk to them every night, nobody will take their place in the bed. That is their place. Sometimes one (or more) of them are hugged all night. People will say they understand, but unless they have been there, they won’t really. Even then, it is different for everyone.
Stay strong for yourself, you’re the only one who can.
Good luck & best wishes.
I am so sorry. You are not responsible for your dog’s death.
I took my cat to vet for yearly check up. He said she was fine. 3 days later she was huffing and I took her back. He said he didnt know why she was leaking liquid into her lungs and she would be in pain if I didnt euthanize her (he said other words but close enough) I did it immediately. It was a terrible thing. I was so mad at him for obviously missing something but finally I came to accept that that is how our bodies work. You may know the saying you go to doc for an EKG, Its fine then you die of a heart attack as you leave the office. We have no control over our bodies or those of our buddy pets as to what they will do.
I think the stuffed dog is a wonderful idea. And I hope you can come to a way to understand his getting sick like that was nothing you did.
So no answers
I need to out live my 93 yr old dad….. then I’ll depart this horrible world.
My 98 yo dad died in October, I’m ready to join him now
I’ve struggled with atypical depression ever since I was 13. The problem is that it NEVER goes away. At my best, it’s a low-level niggling feeling, at its worst it’s all encompassing, sucking every bit of motivation and enthusiasm out of me, leaving a hollow shell. Then, there are the times when I also have Major Depression, so a double whammy. Those are the times when I catch myself praying to God to stop my heart and my breath. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide is because I fear the punishment on the Other Side. I lost hope in 2016, and it’s only gotten worse and worse, especially since 2024. I feel it’s fated that the US will dissolve into chaos and war, and just wish they’d drop the bomb already and turn Earth into a smoking cinder — it’s going to happen, they might as well get it over with!
First of all, I am very sorry that you suffer so much psychic pain and depression. I’m surprised that you’ve been diagnosed but not helped by those who are diagnosing you. All I can really offer that might be of any use to you is this: a wise philosopher once wrote, “Don’t believe everything you think.” I know the world is in a dire state right now, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the worse will, or should, happen. Secondly, thinking and feeling that your situation is hopeless does not necessarily mean that it is hopeless. Please don’t give up; please keep looking for something that helps until you find it.