In a week when two celebrities, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, died by suicide within days of each other, so did hundreds of other people in the U.S. One of them was named Flinn, a classmate of mine in high school.
On Flinn’s public Facebook page, an outpouring of sympathetic posts, one after the other, creates a trail of digital tears. In a long stream of posts expressing their heartbreak, people lament the pain and suffering that Flinn endured.
Nobody uses the word “suicide” or “killed himself.” Nobody says he intentionally ended his life. But he did die by suicide.
Stigma and Suicide
It’s heartbreaking – not only Flinn’s death, but also the conversation around it. There is so much stigma, fear, and pain attached to suicide that many people don’t even say the word.
I understand that families have their reasons for not disclosing when a loved one dies by suicide, and I would never pressure someone to do so. And I don’t fault others who avoid naming suicide. Instead I fault society and social conditioning for teaching us to treat suicide as unspeakable.
If we can’t acknowledge suicide when a person has died, then how can the living expect to talk openly with friends and family about their urges to end their life? It’s awfully hard to help suicidal people – and for them to ask for help – if we treat suicide as if it is a dirty word.
Avoiding Asking about Suicide
Many people are too scared to talk directly about suicide – even some therapists. I teach a class on suicide risk assessment and intervention to aspiring social workers at the University of Denver. On the first day of class, I ask them to write down one or two questions they would ask someone to determine if the person is thinking of suicide.
Some come right out with it and ask: “Are you thinking of suicide?” “Do you think of killing yourself?”
Others ask, “How has your sleep been lately?” “Are you depressed?” “What hopes do you have for the future?” Those questions will help you learn if someone’s sleeping poorly, depressed, or hopeless – not if someone’s thinking of suicide. Perhaps the conversation will lead there. Perhaps not.
Some people ask “Do you think of hurting yourself?” when they really mean, “Do you think of suicide?” “Hurt yourself” is a euphemism that some people use to avoid naming suicide. Yet there are people who intentionally hurt themselves without wanting to die. There are also people who desperately want to die and view suicide not as a means to hurt oneself, but to stop hurting. So the person’s answer to “Do you want to hurt yourself?” might not mean what you think it does. Using euphemisms for suicide also reinforces the message that suicide is unspeakable.
Fears of Asking about Suicidal Thoughts
Why don’t people ask directly about suicide? They may fear that talking directly about suicide gives others the idea (it doesn’t). Or they might consider it impolitic to name suicide, because of the stigma attached to it. Or they might be afraid of saying the wrong thing, or of angering the person, or of being unable to help, or of feeling overwhelmed by their own painful emotions.
These are all legitimate concerns. It’s scary to ask someone about suicidal thoughts. But avoiding the topic does not make the problem go away. It drives it underground, where a suicidal person may feel even more alone in the darkness.
Ways to Help Suicidal People
To truly foster open, constructive conversations about suicide — to create an environment where people can ask for help from loved ones and professionals — more people should try to name it. Only then can more suicidal people feel welcome to reveal their thoughts.
Only if we name suicide can we reach out to those we worry about and ask, “Are you thinking of suicide?” And then we can truly listen and join with the suicidal person.
There are specific techniques for asking a person about suicidal thoughts that can lessen the potential for stigma, shame, and discomfort. One way is to convey that the person is not weird or wrong to have suicidal thoughts: “Sometimes people who feel as crappy as you do have thoughts of suicide. Do you?”
Talking about Suicide
Once potential helpers can talk openly about suicide, it opens the door to potentially life-saving conversations. If you’re wondering how to respond to a suicidal person, check out my post “10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.” I also have a post, “10 Things Not to Say to a Suicidal Person.” Those are my own ideas, and if you have time to read the comments, you’ll see many other ideas, too.
I don’t know if these conversations occurred with my old classmate Flinn, or if they would have helped him. I remember him as someone who loved to surf in the feeble waves of Galveston and play hacky sack in between classes, but it’s been 30 years since I last saw him.
What I do know is that Flinn died in a way that many people actively avoid naming. This silence about suicide can be deafening, making it exquisitely hard to hear people who desperately need to be heard.
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Copyright 2018 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Except where noted, photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
REVISED: October 5, 2024
Read through every comment in this article’s comment section. The ones that struck me as most breathtakingly callous or purposely obtuse were, ironically, put forth by the author of the article. I suppose that makes sense, given the author’s profession and background. Like the comment that suicidal people aren’t entitled to involving others in their suicide. I suppose that means if you’re debilitated and in extreme pain but your death isn’t imminent and palliative care isn’t working for you, you must linger in suffering until your body finally gives out. Compassionate, that. Or the one that suicidal people who “really” want to end their lives can already do it (so there’s no need for further legislation to define and protect autonomy rights). Never mind the survival rates among people who choose even gruesome methods–like gunshots directly to the head–and the even greater suffering they endure after their attempts. There are many such comments in the comment section that betray the true intentions of many who staunchly oppose the right of individuals to decide for ourselves.
My real motivation for commenting, though, is to underscore what others have already eloquently written–that laws are evolving. Clearly, what American psychologists and social workers and psychiatrists prevalently feel about end-of-life decision-making is just their cultural opinion. More and more governments are deciding in their highest courts that the dominant religion-based perspective is wrong. Quebec’s Supreme Court recently declared that limiting assisted suicide to only those with imminently deadly disease (6-months prognosis or less) violates human rights. Switzerland, where for a long time assisted suicide has been DEcriminalized, has recently legally sanctioned a 3D-printable machine developed by Dr. Philip Nitschke with the express purpose of removing the medical team from this most personal of decisions. So while many will continue to excoriate the intimate life decisions of others (it’s what we human beings have done for eons), the choice is becoming more and more available for those able to travel to other legal jurisdictions. I most admire Nitschke’s bold assertion that people now (with the development of the machine referenced above) will no longer have to “beg a panel of doctors [and others] for permission to end their lives [peacefully and painlessly–as far as modern medical science understands].” An assessment engineered to assess participants’ mental capacity to decide is already a requirement of access.
I can’t believe it’s necessary to add this final comment, but earlier comments above prove it is. Freedom to end our lives does NOT imply others should not be free to try as many therapies as they want to make their own lives better. It just means that others, especially professionals and the state who together can incarcerate and antagonize us for wrong-thought, are no longer entitled to decide for the rest of us what we can do with our own lives. Here’s to everyone’s peace and personal autonomy.
Nobody cares. Men are told to ‘man up.’ If we hurt, we are told that we’re weak, or selfish for ‘think about ourselves.’ So we hold it in and when something happens, THEN it’s our fault too for not ‘letting someone know,’ or for not ‘seeking help,’ when a damn friendly word or a simple hug could’ve made all the difference.
So, when someone is gone, people will say, “if I only knew,” yet the reason they didn’t ‘know’ is because they didn’t give a damn to begin with. I don’t want a person to weep one f-king tear when I’m gone if they didn’t care when I was here.
If you really want people to open up about suicidal ideation, then the well-known threat of being locked up in a mental hospital and then charged a medical bill for involuntary treatment and deprivation of freedom for no crime other than desperation needs to be abolished. Otherwise, it would be counterproductive to talk about suicide. It would not be in a suicidal person’s best interest to invite others to prolong and even intensify their suffering by tossing them into the loony bin upon hearing what they really think about and where their mind has truly arrived at. Having been on the receiving end of this twice now (so you must understand that I speak from experience here), talking about it WILL get the cops called and regardless of what the letter of the law suggests is the procedure, anything that can be construed as suicidal ideation obligates them to take it seriously, arrest you, and haul you to the nearest psyche ward intake for involuntary evaluation, which can be up to 72 hours in most states. We call it the Baker Act in Florida. The receiving clinics also charge you more than what a doctor’s visit costs before insurance, but a little less than what a hospital visit costs before insurance, too. You didn’t ask for their services. You were forced to take them and NOW you’re forced to pay for it? I lost days of my freedom because I opted to talk to someone instead of just doing something rash. I am now afraid to ever talk about my feelings when I have depressive moments, not even to my therapist. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when I deal with my mental health providers because I cannot bring up the darkest thoughts of my mind without risking getting locked up in a psyche unit again. it is not fun. it is not productive. They do NOTHING to make anything better. If anything, I got worse for both experiences, hence why I fear it so in the first place.
So, that said, there is literally ZERO incentive to talk about suicide and, for the sake of anyone wishing to keep their freedom and whatever shreds of sanity you still possess, don’t talk about your feelings to anyone unless and until involuntary commitment laws of any and all kinds are abolished.
Exactly. The current system punishes for seeking help.
I can’t agree more. Last year this time, I seeked help from a school counselor (when I didn’t even attempt suicide), and what happened is precisely what has been addressed at the beginning of your comment. I happened to live much happier after isolating myself from such people, and if anything made me want to attempt suicide again, the last thing I’ll do is to tell such people. They don’t deserve my (or anyone else’s who’s in our position) being geniune.
The yellow graphic lists the suicide hotline as a resource as well as the URL for this website. Clearly, this sites URL shouldn’t be listed in the same information space because this site is not designed for crisis intervention. Please consider taking it down
Liability,
Thanks for your comment and concern. The yellow graphic states, “If you think of suicide,” and gives the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and the Crisis Textline, along with this website’s address. Addressing it to people who think of suicide doesn’t apply only to people who are in crisis or promise crisis intervention. Having suicidal thoughts might or might not constitute a crisis, depending on the person and situation. (I describe in this post how suicidal thoughts can be some people’s “normal”: When Suicidal Thoughts Don’t Go Away.)
You’ve gotten me thinking, and I appreciate your attention to detail!
I agree, lets really talk about suicide. In our society, suicide is seen one way. Bad. But to have a real conversation, I think one should not preemptively decide that it is bad. Current methods of suicide have significant implications. A gunshot to the head will in many cases result in death. Under what circumstances might this occur? Typically the person is alone and may have been drinking. Not thinking about anyone but themselves regarding the blood and gore. Someone will eventually find the person. Perhaps law enforcement. A family member. At least one if not many people will be traumatized. Someone or many will have to clean up the gore. Some may have memories if they encounter the location. A bedroom perhaps. A basement. Inside a car maybe not so bad. The car can be sold or hauled to the junkyard.
What if we as a society were willing to accept suicide? What if I could talk openly to my children? My friends? What if helping me commit suicide would not be considered murder? Religion views suicide as a sin. A person is condemned to hell. Not everyone believes in that. But significant numbers do.
I have considered suicide many times for different reasons. Feelings of worthlessness. Rejection-my wife said she didn’t love me anymore. Not wanting to live without love.
Now I am thinking about the effects of aging. I would not want to be in a nursing home in diapers.
But again the problem of how to do it. Who will discover my body. I would want to have my children with me. I would want to have had conversations with them. Hopefully productive conversations.