“What Stops You from Killing Yourself?”

I advise my students to ask their suicidal clients, “What stops you? What stops you from killing yourself?”

Some are horrified. They see this almost as a dare, as if they are saying to a hurting, suicidal person, If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?

To the contrary, asking the question “What stops you?” merely involves saying aloud what many suicidal individuals ask themselves constantly. And if they don’t consider the question already, they should. Otherwise, they might not recognize hopes and fears that are reasons to keep fighting for their life.

Something has indeed stopped a living and breathing suicidal person from acting on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing deterred them, they would not still be alive.

So, if you are a therapist working with a client who has thoughts of suicide, it can be helpful to ask this simple question: 

“What has stopped you from killing yourself?”

A related question to ask, as I discuss in this post, is:

“What are your reasons for staying alive?”

And if you are reading this post because you yourself have suicidal thoughts, please ask yourself these questions, too. The answers might fortify you, or even surprise you.

Reasons to Stay Alive vs. Reasons Not to Attempt Suicide

With my therapy clients and in my readings of research studies, I have observed two types of reasons people give for not killing themselves: life-affirming reasons, and fear-based reasons.

The life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for the person if they stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons the person has to stay alive.

Unfortunately, many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts are bereft of hope or pleasure, so there may be no life-affirming or hopeful reasons to keep going. In these cases, fear-based reasons tend to dominate. 

The fear-based reasons for not attempting suicide center on the bad things that can happen:

Their suicide attempt might not be fatal, and they might suffer lifelong injuries. Many people have shot themselves, overdosed, tried to hang themselves, and cut themselves only to suffer blindness, paralysis, brain damage, or disfigurement.

They believe they might go to hell. I hear this often. Many of my clients fear what might await them after death.

They worry they will be reincarnated into a life of more pain. This is another fear that has stopped some of my clients from killing themselves. They fear that escaping their pain in this life will consign them to more pain, and more lessons to learn, in the next.

They do not want to hurt others. Some parents are deterred because they know that their suicide would make it more likely that their child would die by suicide. Others simply don’t want others to hurt.

They fear what would happen to their pets. As an animal lover, I get this. Many people don’t have family who could care for their pets, and the thought of the pets going to a shelter – or even worse, being killed – horrifies them. It would horrify me, too.

Generally speaking, I do not try to persuade the suicidal person with all the reasons not to end one’s life. To do so would invite a power struggle, one in which we are on opposite sides: the persuader, and the one resisting persuasion.

Instead, I elicit from the suicidal person what their reasons are for still being alive. I assess how strong these deterrents to suicide are, and I look for opportunities to reinforce them. But it’s best if the reasons come from the individual, not from me. The person’s answer is the only one that matters, because it is what has kept them alive thus far.

Beyond Fear of Suicide

Fear of what would come after a suicide attempt is a powerful deterrent. Ideally, though, people will have more than that. They also need hope. And they need a life worth living.

In my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals, I discuss many ways to help someone discover reasons for living, grow hope, find meaning, and improve their quality of life. (Sorry for the blatant plug, but there are too many tips to go into here.)

The more reasons a person has to stay alive, the more answers the person has when asked, “What stops you?”

What if Nothing is Stopping You from Suicide?

If you are thinking of suicide, you might have difficulty coming up with reasons for living. You might not even be able to think of something that is stopping you from killing yourself now. If so, I ask two things of you:

• • Get help. Talk to a therapist or a physician. Go to an ER. Let a family member or friend on your suicidal thoughts. Use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed here. It’s very possible – indeed, probable – that your thinking is distorted by stress, trauma, or illness. With treatment or time, you might indeed be able to identify many reasons for living.
  • Examine what has stopped you till now. Even if you can’t identify reasons not to kill yourself, if you’re alive, something has stopped you until now. What? As I describe above, the answers may reveal hopes or fears that are themselves reasons to continue staying alive.

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  Copyright 2017 Stacey Freedenthal. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Photos purchased from Fotolia.