I advise my students to ask their suicidal clients, “What stops you? What stops you from killing yourself?”
Some are horrified. They see this almost as a dare, as if they are saying to a hurting, suicidal person, If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?
To the contrary, asking the question “What stops you?” merely involves saying aloud what many suicidal individuals ask themselves constantly. And if they don’t consider the question already, they should. Otherwise, they might not recognize hopes and fears that are reasons to keep fighting for their life.
Something has indeed stopped a living and breathing suicidal person from acting on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing deterred them, they would not still be alive.
So, if you are a therapist working with a client who has thoughts of suicide, it can be helpful to ask this simple question:
“What has stopped you from killing yourself?”
A related question to ask, as I discuss in this post, is:
“What are your reasons for staying alive?”
And if you are reading this post because you yourself have suicidal thoughts, please ask yourself these questions, too. The answers might fortify you, or even surprise you.
Reasons to Stay Alive vs. Reasons Not to Attempt Suicide
With my therapy clients and in my readings of research studies, I have observed two types of reasons people give for not killing themselves: life-affirming reasons, and fear-based reasons.
The life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for the person if they stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons the person has to stay alive.
Unfortunately, many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts are bereft of hope or pleasure, so there may be no life-affirming or hopeful reasons to keep going. In these cases, fear-based reasons tend to dominate.
The fear-based reasons for not attempting suicide center on the bad things that can happen:
Their suicide attempt might not be fatal, and they might suffer lifelong injuries. Many people have shot themselves, overdosed, tried to hang themselves, and cut themselves only to suffer blindness, paralysis, brain damage, or disfigurement.
They believe they might go to hell. I hear this often. Many of my clients fear what might await them after death.
They worry they will be reincarnated into a life of more pain. This is another fear that has stopped some of my clients from killing themselves. They fear that escaping their pain in this life will consign them to more pain, and more lessons to learn, in the next.
They do not want to hurt others. Some parents are deterred because they know that their suicide would make it more likely that their child would die by suicide. Others simply don’t want others to hurt.
They fear what would happen to their pets. As an animal lover, I get this. Many people don’t have family who could care for their pets, and the thought of the pets going to a shelter – or even worse, being killed – horrifies them. It would horrify me, too.
Generally speaking, I do not try to persuade the suicidal person with all the reasons not to end one’s life. To do so would invite a power struggle, one in which we are on opposite sides: the persuader, and the one resisting persuasion.
Instead, I elicit from the suicidal person what their reasons are for still being alive. I assess how strong these deterrents to suicide are, and I look for opportunities to reinforce them. But it’s best if the reasons come from the individual, not from me. The person’s answer is the only one that matters, because it is what has kept them alive thus far.
Beyond Fear of Suicide
Fear of what would come after a suicide attempt is a powerful deterrent. Ideally, though, people will have more than that. They also need hope. And they need a life worth living.
In my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals, I discuss many ways to help someone discover reasons for living, grow hope, find meaning, and improve their quality of life. (Sorry for the blatant plug, but there are too many tips to go into here.)
The more reasons a person has to stay alive, the more answers the person has when asked, “What stops you?”
What if Nothing is Stopping You from Suicide?
If you are thinking of suicide, you might have difficulty coming up with reasons for living. You might not even be able to think of something that is stopping you from killing yourself now. If so, I ask two things of you:
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- Get help. Talk to a therapist or a physician. Go to an ER. Let a family member or friend on your suicidal thoughts. Use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed here. It’s very possible – indeed, probable – that your thinking is distorted by stress, trauma, or illness. With treatment or time, you might indeed be able to identify many reasons for living.
- Examine what has stopped you till now. Even if you can’t identify reasons not to kill yourself, if you’re alive, something has stopped you until now. What? As I describe above, the answers may reveal hopes or fears that are themselves reasons to continue staying alive.
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Copyright 2017 Stacey Freedenthal. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.. All Rights Reserved. Photos purchased from Fotolia.
why I havent killed myself?
the question is more of, when will I be successful. I have tried for many years, but ive never been successful. either I didnt do enough or I ended up in the hospital. though, I am thankful now that I am alive as im still only a child. theres so much left for me in the world, yet I cant help but stop to think
“why havent I succeeded?”
this thought haunts me. ive been suicidal since I was 9. my childhood was fucked, everything about life is fucked. but, I feel like ive found meaning. but I know its only temporary.
I dont feel like anything is real.
life is so weird. I feel like ending it now but I know it wont work.
when I read, “If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?” i stoped to think for a moment. does anyone know how harmful this question actually is?
the only thing that stops me is my f—king body. trust me, ive tried so much and so many different ways. I always end up still here. my body is permanently covered in scars and wounds that will never go away. I have to live like this.
what is the point of this? what is the point of anything.
My government is satanic and has made it impossible to kill myself
Please destroy the united states, we constantly tortured from birth until death and never allowed to leave nor kill ourselves
We should all have the right to end our suffering humanely. Fuck the United States for treating us like criminals. They will not provide us help with our pain, mine is chronic debilitating pain. But they’ll lock me up in some place equivalent or worse than a prison because I tried to end my suffering. Fuck them.
I felt chronically suicidal for most of my teenage years and during my twenties. I had been to so many therapists and I don’t recall a single one asking me questions about suicide. I was taught that looking good on the outside was all that mattered. I did not matter. Graduate high school, go to college, get a good paying job, and for God’s sake do not talk about the past. Do not talk about abuse or trauma or feelings or shame or hopelessness/helplessness. Judge and criticize everyone who is different, uses drugs, and those less than “perfect.” I knew my childhood and everything I much of what I was told was one big fat lie. Knowing that didn’t help. The thoughts, the words, the feelings of not belonging, and the core shame was ingrained. I survived by journalling. I filled over 25 journals over the years. I went to groups (never talked), went to therapists and talked well. Hated when therapists asked, “so how can I help you? seems you have it figured out.” My faith in God and Jesus helped me survive. But I wanted more than just survival. I found these amazing healing retreats in St. Louis, MO. In one year, I attended a retreat every month. And I journaled like crazy. I learned to smile. I stopped thinking about suicide. Then I decided to become a clinical social worker (as my second career) because I truly wanted to help others find hope in their lives.
Remember I said I was taught…
Looking good on the outside was all that mattered. I do not matter. I graduated high school in the top 5% of my class, got an applied math degree, worked full time, got a graduate degree – SO WHAT. I guess it could have meant something but then I’d have to care. But then I was taught nothing matters. Love doesn’t exist. Do not talk about abuse or trauma or feelings or shame or hopelessness/helplessness. Judge and criticize everyone who is different, uses drugs, and those less than “perfect.” Avoid anything messy about life. Judge and criticize. Look for errors and mistakes.
Hah. How the h—- do I help people when those thoughts are so ingrained within? How the f—- to help others when I still feel like one big ?????????????????? Great, I have succeeded at working until I found something I can’t make myself do well. So if my identity has been about being perfect, how do I move forward. And now as I age, getting a new job gets harder and harder. My hard work ethic and history doesn’t even matter.
I don’t think about killing myself. Sometimes, I just wish so very much I could die.
I would say my main reasons are:
1. dying a slow, lonely, painful, scary, agonizing death
2. being left in life in a vegetative state
3. potential afterlife of endless conscious torment
4. would hurt countless people
Parents forced us into a world that we don’t want.we didn’t asked to be born.i have no obligation to stay in this life for anyone.they knew this life is too cruel and still they procreate. I want to commit suicide, believe me. I dream of death . Death is comfort. But my mind won’t let me. I hate and despise and resent my parents.they should have lived alone without children, at least they wouldn’t leave a child behind when they die. To all the women out there, keep you damn legs closed and to all the men , keep it zipped. Children are more than happy and appreciative NOT to be existed.
All my life I try to find someone who thinks similar to me thank you for showing me that am not alone and for being honest I would hope things are better in the next existence but that’s the lie they sell to us