Before I talk about suicide, I want to note that people who die in tornadoes are so selfish. They have people who love them, people who will be hurt terribly if they die. Yet they die anyway.
People who die in tornadoes are thinking only of themselves. They take the easy way out when they refuse to overcome the storm. They don’t care that their death shows others that not everybody can survive tornadoes.
Obviously, I am being absurd. Yet substitute the word “suicide” or “suicidal crisis” for “tornadoes,” and I have summed up arguments of those who say that suicide is selfish.
“How could she abandon her children like that?”
“He was only thinking of himself.”
“Her suicide sends the wrong message to others.”
Suicidal forces are a storm inside one’s head. The harsh winds of a tornado – and the debris they kick up – batter the body. The pain accompanying suicidal forces batters the mind.
But…People Choose to Die by Suicide
It might seem that choice sets apart suicide and tornadoes. People choose to end their lives. Nobody chooses to have a tornado demolish their home.
The mind is deceptive. What appears to be a choice often is not truly a choice. Otherwise, people with obsessive-compulsive disorder could choose to stop experiencing obsessions and compulsions. People with schizophrenia could decide to turn off the voices they hear. And so on.
Forces outside the person’s control cause the person to “choose” suicide. Those forces happen. Nobody chooses to experience so much pain, loss, trauma, or mental illness that they feel compelled to die by suicide.
But…Most People Survive a Suicidal Storm
It is true. Thankfully. Almost everyone who experiences suicidal thoughts – even most people who survive a suicide attempt – make it out of the storm alive. They recover. Many thrive. It is a reason to celebrate. Life goes on, and their loved ones need not be hurt by their loss.
It is not that those who survive a suicidal storm are selfless. For whatever reasons, their suicidal thoughts become less intense. They get good help from professionals or people they know personally, or their mind offers some relief, or some other change occurs that helps them to resist suicide’s forces. It’s not personal.
But…Concern for Others Does Stop Suicide for Some People
Some suicidal people vow never to act on their suicidal thoughts because “It would devastate my parents” or “I could never put my children through that.” It is wonderful that those individuals’ concern for others helps them resist suicidal thoughts. I hope they take advantage of that. However, it is wrong to presume that those who fall victim to suicide did not have concern for others.
In his book Myths about Suicide, the psychologist Thomas Joiner writes of the movie star Halle Berry, who says she halted her suicide attempt by carbon monoxide poisoning when she thought of how her suicide would hurt her mother. It is a mistake to compare those who die by suicide with those who survive, Dr. Joiner writes:
“It is a mistake because those who die by suicide have experienced a rupture in their social connections, and thus ideas like ‘my mother would be distressed if I were gone’ do not occur to them, not because they are selfish, but because they are alone in a way that few can fathom.”
But…I Got Through It for the Sake of Others, So Why Can’t They?
Perhaps you felt suicidal in the past, and you did not hurt yourself. Perhaps to resist suicide, you thought of those you loved, and the thought of hurting them hurt you.
Be careful not to expect others’ experiences (or resources) to be like yours. The suicidal storm is different for everyone.
Suicidal thoughts can be a whisper or a shout, a suggestion or a command, an idea or an obsession. Some suicidal people have fleeting suicidal thoughts a few times a week. For others, suicidal thoughts intrude loudly every day, throughout the day, without relief. Other people fall in between to varying degrees.
What worked for you might not help another. Sometimes, the difference between a suicide victim and a suicide survivor can be just one thing, like finding a good therapist, starting a medication that works, or simply waking up one morning and inexplicably feeling better.
Something else might make the difference between living and dying, something unknowable. Your own suicidal experiences do not reveal anything about another person’s.
But…Is Suicide Selfless?
Contrary to being selfish, many people who act on suicidal thoughts do consider the welfare of others. The problem is, their considerations are distorted.
“I am a burden to those who care about me.”
“They’ll get over my death and be happier once they can move on.”
“I can’t bear to put my parents through the pain of watching me fall apart.”
I have heard those statements, and many more like them, in my work as a psychotherapist. Right or wrong, many suicidal individuals truly believe that others would benefit from their death. As Dr. Joiner notes in Myths about Suicide:
“Ideas like ‘my mother will be better off when I am gone’ are primary. These are the antithesis of selfishness.”
I would not go so far as to say that people trapped in a suicidal storm are selfless. Instead, they are victims of their mind’s deception.
The concepts of selfishness and selflessness simply do not apply. Suicide’s victims are neither selfish nor selfless, just as it is not selfish or selfless to die due to a heart attack, cancer, a car wreck…or a tornado.
© Copyright 2015 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. All photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
Honestly, the reason I am considering it is because nobody seems to care. I want to reach out but I already have. If I do now – I would seem like a burden. All I want is someone here for me, physically, who could tell me it’s going to be okay. That’s all.
But you know people. They see it as attention-seeking when you’ve been like this for so long. They think that just because you’re suicidal for so long and haven’t acted on it – you won’t actually act on it. That even saying you’re suicidal was a ploy to get attention because you seem fine in generally.
And so, they stop caring about you after a while. When do they care? When it’s too late. Not now. Not when you really need the help. Only when you’re dead.
I’m surrounding by such people who see me as a burden. I want them to be there for me – these people specifically, but I know they can’t. I know they have other commitments (exams; work; their own issues). What to do? Other than just give in. Let go and be done with it.
Mary, how lonely and rejected you must feel thinking that others do not care about you and your pain. Perhaps you are right. Perhaps people have tired of bearing witness to your suicidal thoughts and trying to help.
Two important points to consider are that, one, you might be wrong. There might still be friends and family who want to help and listen. Two, even if others are not available, there are still people who can help you, who can reassure you and provide you with connection, empathy, and perhaps even hope. ‘
I hope you will consider seeking help from a professional or from others trained in helping suicidal people, such as the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Many people do care, even if you have not met them yet.
Almost a year ago I took more than 300 prescription pills because I thought I was a burden to my wife pulling her down into the abyss with me, I thought she didn’t understand the pain I was in, that I was just lazy, and I thought I was a terrible role model for our son. Those thoughts took over, a full proof plan developed over 8 months along with a deeply buried mass of darkness. One night in December of all months after an argument the darkness consumed me, those thoughts and emotions were in control. I walked a 1/2 mile with my box of pills and a bottle of water to a field where roads had just been laid for new construction, I could see my bedroom window where my wife was sleeping as I downed Percocet, Vicodin, Zofram, Tramodone, Provigil, Lithium, Imiprimine, and who knows what else. My conscious rational mind was there to, trapped watching in horror, screaming, pleading, praying for my body & mind to stop what it was doing. Then I ran out of water, in the one moment of cognitive thought of how to get more my rational mind was able to take back control. I was closer to passing out than walking home, but somehow with some divine intervention that’s what I did. I’ve been as close to death by suicide as anyone can ever come, I know it is not a selfish decision. I also know what it’s like to feel that those closest to you don’t care or find you a burden. That couldn’t be farther from the truth. My attempted suicide affected my wife so deeply she had to take 2 months off and see a therapist herself to recover; imagine if I hadn’t regained control. The shockwaves affected my, friends, parents, and inlaws in a devastating fashion. Before my attempt I never thought I was capable of attempting suicide. I always managed to get my self into the hospital, or to the church, or talk to someone first. Now I know what my depression can do to me and I know it’s not going anywhere, fighting it does no good, it’s a part of me. Since then I’ve lived a much better life, I still suffer from depression, still looking for the right combination of medications, still seeing a therapist regularly. The difference is now my focus is on living with the depression, using skills I have learned to fight the irrational thoughts and ease the painful emotions. I’ve also built an intricate safety net to help me when I start to fall, so I never hit that dark place again. The thing is you have got to seek help wherever you can find it, the suicide hotline, emergency room, a therapist. Whatever it takes, start to care about yourself again. Than you can bring others along though I think you might find they are not as far away as you think.
I can understand Mary’s pain. I do have a question about these solutions. What if therapy, and the people who are always suggested as people to go to have been more of a problem in the past than a help? You can talk to anyone about these things, honestly, but many see it as a burden or waste of their time like Mary says. When the only people who are willing to talk to you are the ones that are getting paid to do so, how can you honestly feel there is anything true or genuine about that?
Before any judgement, let me tell you a little bit about myself. When I was only 11 I was put in a psych ward with a whole slew of kids older than me who had gotten in much more trouble than I. The STAFF in that place abused me! The place ended up getting shut down because they killed a girl in a restraint. I have tried calling the suicide prevention line a few times, but I want to KNOW I am talking to someone who is going to put their own feelings aside. Otherwise, I can’t trust them. There are so many that get into the psychological profession thinking it is going to be easy. I always wonder why. They label people as having “disabilities” and “diseases” and then think that is going to make them feel better? I have questioned the field and done it rather effectively for a long time, because of what I went through, and very very very few people in the profession have ever been able to even show the slightest acknowledgement of some very valid questions:
1) How can I trust someone who has to get paid a lot of money and cut me off at the end of an hour?
2) What if I need more than the “canned” amount of time to get any productivity out of a conversation?
3) Do you honestly think psychology is 100% objective? Don’t you think you might have biases in the way you treat me that might get in your own way of being effective?
4) Even if this conversation is “confidential”, what is stopping you from going out and talking about me (even vaguely) after we’re done? It isn’t like there is a judge hanging over your head watching you.
5) Even if you are able to listen to me, and I come away with a different perspective, that doesn’t change many of the ways the world looks at me? Your profession has so many labels they place down on people, when one goes back to the world where many of the problems started, any visible connection I may have had with a shrink is often seen as a sign of weakness. In today’s social media, that could mean job opportunities, social engagements, and many other things blown.
While I would love to believe that psychology/psychiatry can just be trusted. There are many instances in which it just can’t. I am one who believes the profession needs help before it can continue to help others. The last time I called the suicide hotline, I got chastised because I wanted to ask questions about why the person on the other end of the line really wanted to help me. I simply stated that I didn’t have a great deal of respect for her profession, but did need to talk to a genuine person. She grew defensive, calling me “abusive”. I WAS THE ONE VULNERABLE!!!!! I will not call that line again. I am sorry, but after my background with these people, I don’t trust them. I only trust people who show a genuine concern, and those are few and far between. It shouldn’t be hard to understand why people feel there is no hope left. It really shouldn’t.
I have 2 year old twins sons.Their father completed suicide by train 5 months ago yesterday.So many people have said it was so selfish of him to do that and how could he leave me and his children behind.He was an addict that had lied and stolen from me and his kids numerous times.I know that in his mind he thought he was doing us a favor by being gone.And that he didn’t do this for selfish reasons.He made the ultimate sacrifice to give me and his boys a better life.I’m not angry with him at all.I miss him but I know how tortured and depressed he was.And him finally being at peace puts me at peace also.
Thank you for writing this. I have struggled for 25 years with suicidal thoughts, or at least wanting to be dead, most days. My husband killed himself two years ago so I know what a person goes through in the aftermath of suicide, but it doesn’t change my thoughts when they get so intense I can’t see another way out. But I’m still here, for now.
Thank you for this. A family member committed suicide this month at a train station. It was his funeral yesterday. I am shocked and stunned by this and I’m finding your blogs helpful, comforting and much needed at the moment. Thank you for all you are doing, keep up the good work.
A very excellent article, Stacey. I could reiterate so much of what it says, but why rewrite it? Thank you for the thought that went into this.
Thank you for the feedback! I appreciate it.
The post was actually inspired by a column I read this week where the author called out a woman who died by suicide for being “selfish.” The woman, Patti Stevens, had been married 25 years. Two weeks earlier, her husband was murdered by a stranger with a machete. Patti Stevens killed herself in the throes of grief, despair, and trauma. And the columnist called her selfish!!
The headline of the column was, “Patti Stevens’ tragedy was unspeakable, but her suicide was still selfish.”
Can you imagine?