“I want to kill myself.”
Those five words are a shock to hear, a dreadful pronouncement from a friend or family member you do not want to lose. You recoil at the thought. How could they want to die?
As unwelcome as those words are to your ears, your loved one has handed you a gift. He or she is letting you in. By telling you they want to die, they are giving you the opportunity to help.
What you say next is very important. It could lead to your friend or family member letting you in even more – or shutting the door. Understandably you are full of emotion, and you might have many thoughts, some helpful, some not.
Here are 10 common responses that can discourage the person from telling you more. First, a caveat: In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.
- “How could you think of suicide? Your life’s not that bad.” Perhaps on the outside the suicidal person’s life does not seem “that bad.” The pain lies underneath. It can greatly help a suicidal person to feel understood. This sort of statement conveys disbelief and judgment, not understanding.
- “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.
- “Suicide is selfish.” This inspires more guilt. Two points are important here. One, many people who seriously consider suicide actually think they are burdening their family by staying alive. So, in their distressed, perhaps even mentally ill state of mind, they would be helping their loved ones by freeing them of this burden. Two, isn’t it a natural response to excruciating pain to think of escaping the torment? (I write more about this in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die by Suicide?”)
- “Suicide is cowardly.” This inspires shame. It also does not really make sense. Most people fear death. While I hesitate to call suicide brave or courageous, overcoming the fear of death does not strike me as cowardly, either.
- “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” Often said out of anxiety or fear, this message is invalidating and dismissive. Presume that the person really does mean that they want to die. It does more harm to dismiss someone who is truly suicidal than it does to take someone seriously who is not suicidal, so why not just take everyone seriously?
- “You have so much to live for.” In some contexts, this kind of statement might be a soothing reminder of abundance and hope. But for many people who think of suicide and do not at all feel they have much to live for, this remark can convey a profound lack of understanding.
- “Things could be worse.” Yes, things could be worse, but that knowledge does not inspire joy or hope. I compare it to two people who are stabbed, one in the chest, one in the leg. It is far worse to be stabbed in the chest, but that does not make the pain go away for the person stabbed in the leg. It still hurts. A lot. So even if people who think of suicide have many good things going for them, even if their lives could be far worse, they still experience a seemingly intolerable situation that makes them want to die.
- “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die.” True, and your loved one may well have already considered this with shame. People who want to die often compare themselves to others and come up wanting. They may even feel defective or broken. Comparing them to others who cope better, or who simply are lucky enough to never have suicidal thoughts, may only worsen their self-condemnation.
- “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I do know people, especially teens, for whom this statement was tremendously helpful. It spoke to them. But it also communicates that the person’s problems are temporary, when they might be anything but. In such a situation, a realistic goal for the person might be to learn to cope with problems and to live a meaningful life in spite of them. The other problem with this statement is it conveys that suicide is a solution – permanent, yes, and a solution. At a minimum, I recommend changing the word “solution” to “act” or “action,” simply to avoid reinforcing that suicide does indeed solve problems.
- “You will go to hell if you die by suicide.” Your loved one has likely already thought of this possibility. Maybe they do not believe in hell. Maybe they believe the god they believe in will forgive their suicide. Regardless, their wish to die remains. Telling them they will go to hell can exacerbate feelings of alienation.
Again, any or all of the thoughts and emotions above may come to you. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad to have such reactions.
After all, you are human. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that come to you. You can only control what you say or do in response to your thoughts and feelings.
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts to you, your words and actions can help the suicidal person to feel less alone and, as a result, hopeful. Good questions to ask yourself are, “How can what I want to say help this person? How can it do harm?”
Your answer may mean the difference between the person feeling judged and even more alone – or accepted and understood.
What If You’ve Already Said the “Wrong” Thing to a Suicidal Person?
I suspect that if I stopped this post here, I would receive frantic emails from people who already reacted in ways that were not especially helpful or understanding. Their fear and anxiety may have spilled out when they heard their friend or family member express a desire to die.
That fear and anxiety are understandable. So are the reactions above. But what to do when what has been said cannot be unsaid?
My advice? Try again. Go back to the person and say that you realize you did not respond helpfully, that you are frightened by the possibility of their dying by suicide, but you want to set aside your fears and understand better their wish to die so that you can be a listening ear, a partner in their struggle, an ally who helps them feel less alone and hopeless.
And then it can be helpful to ask some of the most important words of all, “How can I help?”
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UPDATE 10/3/2017: I just discovered another post, written before mine, with a list of 10 things to avoid saying to a suicidal person. It’s an excellent list, and I recommend reading it at purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-suicidal-person/.
© Copyright 2015 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
I’m suicidal. I have been for years since the death of my son. There’s a lot more to it than that. I have been trying to talk to his sister my daughter about it for a long time but she hasn’t believed me. Yesterday she asked me if I was suicidal And I told her yes I have been for years and I’ve tried to tell you. She said to me, “ why are you still here”! Add that to things not to say to someone who is suicidal! She also said “there there’s nothing I can do to keep you alive just love you while you are here”! Also very not helpful! You can add that to your list of what not to say to someone who is suicidal. I told her you might as well put a nail in my coffin. She has always been stoic and not empathetic. She is more like her father that way and unlike me.
I agree with your opinion on most of the “Things Not to Say” in your list, except #9, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” It has been helpful in my life and in others that I know. It’s shorthand, to be sure — meant to make the person stop ruminating for a moment and consider the riddle — and in that it has worked wonders in my experience. But I think it should be followed with a bit of explanation.
Psychologist Viktor Frankl, recalling his time in the concentration camps, the experiences of prisoners, and his work with over twelve thousand depressed patients after World War II, many of whom were contemplating throwing in the towel because they felt a reason to live was all but non-existent, had this to say, which I think hits the mark well :
‘What accumulated was quite a store of experience from which I still draw whenever I am confronted with someone who is prone to suicide. I explain to such a person that patients have repeatedly told me how happy they were that the suicide attempt had not been successful; weeks, months, years later, they told me, it turned out that there was a solution to their problem, an answer to their question, a meaning to their life. “Even if things only take such a good turn in one of a thousand cases,” my explanation continues, “who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later? But in the first place, you have to live to see the day on which it may happen, so you have to survive in order to see that day dawn, and from now on the responsibility for survival does not leave you.”’
— Frankl, Viktor E.. Man’s Search for Meaning (p. 142). Beacon Press. Kindle Edition.
The issue is, in a suicidal person’s mind, life is a temporary problem, right? I’ve had that said to me personally, the day before I tried to kill myself. Did it help? Change my life? Nope. I’m still struggling a year later.
(I wasn’t planning on responding, but the day you commented this was the same day I talked about earlier when I tried to kill myself)
All of these comments in the list are various forms of emotional abuse. Just wait until the suicidal person gets to the point where they no longer care what you think about them (cowardly, ungrateful, selfish, etc) Calling them these can even push them straight into doing the deed. Example: “If this is the way you’re going to treat me, then the depression was right. I AM better off dead.” Every word we speak will come back to bite us in the butt. So choose your words carefully. You will live with whatever consequences come from them for the rest of your life.
My older son recently visited my mother at her home for her birthday. He and his girlfriend shared that while there, he had opened up about dealing with suicidal thoughts. His girlfriend then informed me that my mother’s reply was, “Well, I guess you should’ve been a better shot!”. I point this out because often times, we try to inject humor and sarcasm into these sorts of situations trying to lighten things up a bit, but forget that 1) the person is in a state of reflection and trauma, so it will be misinterpreted, and 2) that humor and sarcasm are often misinterpreted in even the best of times, and unless absolutely sure, in talks of this nature, it seems best to forego the humor and sarcasm. We must also remember that we’re not Superman or Jesus and cannot fix or save anyone. We CAN relate and empathize with them, though, and often times, that plays out by simply being still with the person, listening, and making sure that person KNOWS you are listening, you are processing what they’re saying, that you understand what they’re saying, and that you empathize with their situation, then showing compassion to that person. You CERTAINLY don’t mock and dismiss their vulnerability and openness like my mother did!!!
So many years later, but still an issue.
I want this pain to end. I see only one way out. Trying to have an open conversation about this with anyone of any consequence is impossible. It’s shut down. Not only is the act itself viewed as selfish, just trying to talk about it is as well.
To be honest, I’m not sure why I want to talk about it. Perhaps it is selfish. Maybe it’s the same sense of self preservation that makes it incredibly difficult to actually follow through, body literally shaking when trying to set things up. Or is it just wanting some understanding, compassion, before taking that final step? In any case, it’s just a road to more pain.