Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Your son will grow up not ever remembering you or your love. Only you can give him the love that you give.
I need someone to help me. I am currently in a deep state of depression and I want out. Ive been contemplating suicide for about 3-4 months now and I absolutely hate it. Every time I seem to make mistakes it really pisses off my family, which then triggers my seemingly endless episodes of self loathing accompanied by suicidal thoughts. I told my mother about my suicidal thoughts but her only reply “Thats selfish” which doesn’t help me at all, it actually makes me feel even worse about myself. I cannot afford a therapist and my mother will not let me tell my father who would provide for what I need financially to see a therapist. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!
TALK to our Dad yourself. Going out on a limb here thinking perhaps your mom is not making the best decisions by you especially by withholding help. Also sounds like you KNOW your Dad will be there for you. You have nothing to lose reaching out to him.
TELL YOUR FATHER…..NOW….
If you need someone to talk to, email me at oi.thisismyemail@yahoo.com
You have to take care of yourself because your mother isnt looking out for you. Go to your father, if it upsets people so be it, your life is precious and you need to ask for help and fight to stay alive. It is not selfish to say you feel you suicidal, keep on saying it, but dont give in to it. Your mother has her own limitations obviously so you cant rely on her. Separate yourself from her because she only reinforces you r negative feelings about yourself which she probably caused in the first place. Love yourself and find supportive people. Dont give up
I agree with these comments! I hope you’re okay.
Tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year even are not yet known. You might feel this way now, but giving in to these thoughts guarantees that nothing will ever get better. Have patience and remember that you’ll feel differently someday. You’ll look back on this time as a time of growth and will be much stronger knowing that you overcame it all. You are strong.
I’ve been thinking about suicide for 6 months now. Me and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years moved into our apartment. We loved it for the first month or so. Until I lost my job. I started suffering more and more from my Anxiety. Everyday I’d have an anxiety attack and couldn’t pin down what was the underlying issue. I started over thinking and soon fell into a dark depression. I almost committed suicide 4 months ago. I couldn’t bear the thought of my family finding my motionless body. Now with my depression and anxiety overwhelming me. I have insomnia and don’t sleep more than 3-4 hours a day. My thoughts are the only thing that are keeping me awake. I can’t communicate with my girlfriend without yelling or confrontation. I can’t motivate myself to do anything anymore. I can’t put on the mask anymore…
Dear Anonymous – My heart aches for you. I URGE you to communicate to your girlfriend, or parent or close friend that you are struggling with anxiety and depression and that you NEED some help quickly. Go to the emergency room if need immediate relief. Please ask this trusted person to make you an appointment with a physician. If you are worried about money, ask the dr’s office if you can make payments. Explain that this is extremely important. Better sleep would help you immensely as well as something to help you with the anxiety. Please do not give up. There IS help for you. Please do not believe that there isn’t because there IS. You MUST muster up the strength and courage to ask someone to help you make this appointment. Do not go this alone. You have people who love you who want to help. Please do this for those people who love you. And do this for yourself because YOU deserve to feel better. Even though you may not FEEL like you deserve to feel better, remember that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are many times not a reflection of reality. YOU deserve to feel better. Please tell a trusted love one how you are feeling and take steps to get help. Please do this. Please let me know that you have done this.
Omg that’s how I’m feeling I cant my marriage is falling apart. Cause of it and they just want to get me a pill 4 it. I cant pinpoint it. But I am getting comfortable with the thoughts of doing it.
I want to die every day. But I cannot. I have four children I am raising alone and they need me, they have no one else. But I feel like I am failing them. I put on a mostly happy face and go about the motions but inside I am screaming. I have asked for help and everyone I spoke to brushes my depression off as ‘oh you’ll get over it’, ‘things will change’, ‘you’ll figure it out’, etc. I have been trying to figure it out and I cannot seem to. People pity me, and admire my strength to make it this far, but don’t seem to understand that I do not feel I can keep going on like this. I don’t have the heart to take my kids out with me, and I don’t have the heart to leave them, so I am stuck here in this limbo, this hell of wishing I didn’t desperately want to be done living. I am in therapy. I meditate. I read. I exercise when I can. I listen to music. I run myself ragged caring for the kids.I deal with my abusive ex regularly, and politely. And I still can’t shake this gnawing pain. This crippling anxiety. This desperation for relief. Every time i have a quiet moment (usually just before I fall asleep, in bed, or in the shower), I sob and sob and sob and beg God to take this from me and give me strength, courage, and clarity. I just want to be the best I can be for them. I want to live. But every day I hear this inner narrative that says ‘I just want to die’. I am so tired. So so very tired. Of fighting, for so many years, to keep my head above water. I left a harrowing situation 2 years ago and have been clawing my way up, trying to rebuild my life and heart and mind and it seems like everyone expects me to just be better, right away. I. Don’t. Know. How!
Add to that, trying to heal my kids, while I am broken myself… How do I do this…
Oh mama. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. Suffering is a part of our shared human condition, but so is love, joy, and compassion. You are a wonderful, loving mother who is doing her best for her children. Hugs from an internet stranger ((((()))))
I feel the same. Are there any moments where you feel differently? I often feel better when I take medicine or do something that requires a lot of brain power. Like learning a new language has helped me get my mind working on something else rather than trying to fix my sadness and anxiety. Also, getting obsessed about something else rather than how I feel (because I have ocd.) For example, I’m obsessed with kpop and make fake songs in my head. Try to find things you like and make that your goal instead of “achieving happiness.” God i hate the word happy, it’s too fleeting. Also please make sure your medicine is working if u take any! I felt really awful today with the suicidal thoughts but I feel a tiny bit better after taking a vistaril.
So much of what you said here resonates with my own thoughts about suicide, which I also dwell in daily. I can tell you’re in a particularly deep place right now and I can definitely relate, but I can also tell that you’re an incredibly strong woman and that you’re being strong for the people you love. That’s why we keep going despite wanting to die every. single. day. Those kids would never recover from losing you, and that’s why you need to keep being strong. Right now, you live for them; the goal should be to someday want to live for yourself too. That’s what my therapist tells me anyways. I wish you all the strength it takes to keep going on, with love.
I am suffering and surfing the internet for a solution. I want you to know that your post has helped me through this moment. I screenshotted and highlighted the statement about living for them and eventually for me. I think it may help me through more moments. Thank you. Thank you.
You do this one moment at a time. I divorced a very abusive man 13 yrs ago and am still recovering. I still struggle with depression, PTSD and some suicidal thoughts. I’ve been raising my kids by myself since my divorce. Its not easy, and it never goes away. But it gets better. One moment at a time. Just like you “trained” yourself to react and how to act around an abusive person to not suffer their wrath; over time you can train yourself to slow the negative thought process that keeps you in this vicious cycle. There is no perfect way that works for everyone. But every little thing helps. Try countering every negative thought with a positive one. Down play the bad in your head and turn the tiniest good things into massive mountains. Up play the good! Remind yourself that every valley has a hill and at the top is a beautiful sunset, just for you. You will get there to see it. And it will be a long hard journey, but you will get there. As much as you are living for your kids right now you need to take time everyday for you. Even if its only 5 minutes to journal about your day or how your feeling so you can express yourself.
You are not broken. You’ve been bent very badly but you are not broken. Whether you believe it or not, and I know it doesn’t feel like it, You have already come so far and made so much progress. Your already bettering your kids lives and your own! Be proud of what you have done, what you have survived thru. And that is what you are doing. You are surviving and someday you will thrive and shine as you are intended to. Because even in the dark times you still show beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are capable of love and compassion for your kids. Turn some of that love inwards! Shine your light again and be proud of how far you have made it. Its never easy but it is possible. And you are making it!! One little step at a time and you will make it. Set small goals, like starting each day with a positive thought. Then progress to bigger ones, You dont have to have all the answers right away. One small goal at a time. Focusing on the big picture is way to overwhelming. Focus on one day, or one moment at a time.
I know it sounds cheesy but repetition is everything!!! The more you support yourself and repeat to yourself that you are worth the struggle, you are important and not just as a mom, you can do this. This will end. And every other positive thing you can think of; the more apt you are to believe it. You are worth it!!!!!! The house doesn’t have to be perfect every day, the dishes wont mold if you skip doing them once, but your mind will suffer worse if you don’t take time for you. It does get better, and it will get better. One moment, one day, one positive thought at a time.
Always remember………
You can do this. One step at a time, one trial and error process coping mechanism at a time, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME. You can do this!!!!!!!!
Great answer! Thanks!
I know all those feelings, almost exactly, even if my situation is a little different. I have one child, she doesn’t even live with me. She’s with her dad (my abusive ex – verbally abusive to me) but the idea of giving up is every moment of every day. I looked at your comment wondering if I had written it! Except I don’t have 4 kids! God I wish we both will feel better soon. And those comments from friends… I get those too, as if we can just snap out of the suicidal feelings instantly, or that simple words would help when we need so much more (I’m guessing it’s also a financial issue as well as an emotional one too?)? I not only don’t have the heart to do it, I’m too afraid to even try. I guess we’re both in the same thought boat. I guess what I’m saying is to just know you’re not alone in feeling like this – I feel the same way- you’re not alone. Love and hugs sweet mom!
Sadmom, idk if you’ll ever see this comment. But I hope you do. I am a junior in high school, and in the seventh grade my mom committed suicide. I have crippling depression as well and actually lost my shit several times this week because I don’t know how to cope regardless of the fact I have been in therapy since what happened. My depression, however was at a peak a year before her suicide. She is not to blame for my suicidal tendencies, but losing my mother that way has greatly impacted my life. I have repeated the day in my head routinely every time I succeed at something, because she didn’t want to be here to see me do this. I have blamed, and turned to violence and drugs. I have been a cutter ever since. I have attempted suicide more than once. I have read her memorial pamphlet so many times, and changed my faith double that. I was adopted at 11, only to go through that a month before I turned 13, and it still impacted my life to such an extent, four years later. Please live, if I could beg my mom, I would.
I’m sorry for your loss ???
Thanks for sharing this. Truly sorry for your loss but you may save other kids your pain by sharing. I have a 9 & 11 year old. For some reason these thoughts hit me out of nowhere and for some reason, as much as I try, I can’t force myself to think about what would happen to them. Your story helped me today. Thank you.
Hi Sadmom…. I can resonate with you so much and i feel your pain because it is also my pain. Remember that if we were to give in to the weak mental moment, it does not end the pain. It only moves the pain from ourselves. To someone else, many others. I am a mom as well, the #1 thing that keeps me focused on fighting the suicidal thoughts, well, is my son. Keep reminding yourself this. I know that does not take the pain away. You praying to God has me believe you are Christian. Trust in the Lord even if you feel he has abandoned you!!! I know from experiences that God has allowed us to go through much pain, many trials (He is there though) because he is preparing us!!! Come revelation, the pain will be even greater. He is training us to withstand the call of the enemy. Do not give the enemy anything, including you dying. Then he’s won. Keep fighting!!! You do not always have to be strong. One day, I broke down for the first time in front of my son. I sobbed head down on my bed for 30 minutes and my son went berserk but he also had compassion and empathy and just hugged me. That was the first time I actually felt hope and relief. Kids are smarter than you think. Sometimes they can help us in ways we never imagined and in ways no one else, including ourselves can. Cry in front of them every now and then. They dont need to see you smile all the time!!!
Hope this helps!
I have thought we see our children’s damage because we feel our own and live with it so closely. Reality is children will in every power of themselves find the good and make their parents good for their own little minds. They understand unconditional love and seek our love before smiles and happiness. That’s right it took me a long time to understand I do not need to protect them from my feelings which I would say is me. Feelings are a part of all of us, some just feel more deeply. Love is not smiles and happiness. Love is vunerable and intimate. I have a life story with a lot of darkness and I have a deep desire to die. I do not feel equipped to live with the pain from my life. I read these comments and feel for you. See something wonderful in you and notice none of us are really alone.