Suicidal thoughts take different forms. Some politely knock on the door. You let them in, entertain them a bit, and then they leave.
But suicidal thoughts can also be most unwelcome. In such cases, you do not want to think of suicide. The thoughts still come. They invade. They refuse to leave.
So What Can You Do about Suicidal Thoughts?
There are several paths you can follow if you want to stop thinking of suicide. Here are some of them:
You can learn to talk back to the suicidal thoughts.
You can learn to observe the suicidal thoughts, without feeling the need to act on them.
You can distract yourself from the suicidal thoughts.
You can seek help, whether from friends, family, professionals, or others.
You can explore the possibility of medication for suicidal thoughts.
None of these options is mutually exclusive. Each complements the other. Over time, I hope to write a separate post about each approach. For now, I will concentrate on talking back to suicidal thoughts.
Talking Back to Suicidal Thoughts
A central premise of cognitive behavioral therapy is that people tend to equate their feelings and thoughts with facts. We rarely question what we think. So, if you think, “My situation is hopeless,” you probably believe 100% that your situation is hopeless.
What if it is not actually true?
There is an adage in therapy, one so popular that books have used it as their title:
“Don’t believe everything you think.”
If you think your life is hopeless, if you think things will never get better, if you think you deserve to die – whatever it is you think, if it causes you pain or imperils your safety, ask yourself:
“Is what I’m thinking or feeling a fact?”
Be honest with yourself. While it might feel true, is there any possibility that the condemning thought you are having is in fact false?
Often, you simply cannot know for sure that your thought is true. In these cases, it is helpful to remind yourself that your thinking might be wrong.
For example, sometimes a client will say to me, “I’m going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life.” Notice how different it feels to say, instead, “I fear I’m going to be alone and miserable the rest of my life.” One is presented as a fact, the other a feeling.
Another major premise of cognitive behavioral therapy is that what we tell ourselves directly influences how we feel and act. So, if we change what we tell ourselves, we can also change our feelings and behaviors.
(A Few) Helpful CBT Questions
Cognitive behavioral therapists have hundreds, perhaps thousands, of questions to draw from to help you tease out thoughts and feelings from facts. Here are a few important ones:
“What is the evidence that this thought is true?”
“What is the evidence that it is not true?”
“What is a different way of looking at this?”
Looking for the Other Side of the Story
Your mind might assail you with thoughts of all the things that are bad about you or your life – all the things you have done wrong, all the ways your life is wrong, all the reasons that nothing will get better.
Does your mind give equal time and attention to the qualities in you or your life that are reasons for hope? Focusing on your reasons for living or creating a hope box are ways to give equal time to the aspects of your life that can weaken suicide’s pull.
You may protest that there actually is nothing good or hopeful in your life. If you think of suicide, you are in incredible pain. That pain may be exacerbated by stigma, isolation, and self-blame. Amid such suffering, it can be hard to find redeeming qualities about yourself or your life.
Remember, if you seriously consider suicide, it is as if you are locked in a totally dark closet. The closet contains tools and gifts and other resources. But you cannot see them. They are hidden by the darkness of depression or despair or whatever other state of mind has settled in.
Questions to ask yourself here can include:
“What strengths have I had in the past that I can call on now?”
“What has helped me get through hard times before?”
“What (or who) could help me now?”
“What are my reasons for living?”
“What can I do about the situation that does not involve hurting or killing myself?”
Self-Compassion amid Suicidal Thoughts
Talking back to your suicidal thoughts and your more general negative thoughts can help you build compassion toward yourself. In his book Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, the author, psychiatrist David Burns, writes that we all have a prosecutor living inside our head, and few of us have a defense attorney.
It can be hard at first to defend yourself. It might feel unnatural. The best way to develop a counterattack against the negative and suicidal thoughts is to ask yourself this question:
“What would I tell a friend or someone else I love if they were in this exact situation and were thinking of suicide?”
Tying It All Together
Chances are you would be much more compassionate toward a loved one than you are toward yourself. Ask yourself, what would it be like if you treated yourself the way you treat a person you love or care deeply about?
Even if you don’t stop thinking of suicide altogether, you can at least work to protect, soothe, and help yourself in the same way that you would for another person you love.
*
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
In a group therapy course for managing depression we talked about this a little and there was a specific formula for challenging thoughts and beliefs. I wish to God I could remember it or had that sheet of paper now… I have been struggling more and more the past few months and I KNOW my mind is lying to me but I can’t keep fighting it anymore. It’s all things I grew up hearing (I was emotionally and sometimes physically abused as a child) and for some reason whenever things get too stressful or go wrong I go back to those thoughts and feelings, every time. And I know they’re false but I get so tired of trying to change the channel. So I keep going for the distractions but those can only keep me going for so long. I told a few people I was thinking of suicide but I think it just upset them and I’m scared I’ll lose them as friends so I’m trying to deal on my own instead for now.
The truth is the trees are green and the sky is blue, if not above me, somewhere. Just have to be patient.
There is no truth admist the terrorists of the mind.
Everyday the thought of ending MY life and MY pain, yet causing others great pain happens. Guess what, I’m winning!
This isn’t over yet.
We are stronger than the lies created by the chemicals.
Do anything but be destructive. Let the urges become a prayer.
You’re here for a reason. You are the reason. You are enough. You are loved. YOU are amazing.
Go outside and walk, run, bicycle, march in place, just move your body. Focus your eyes on any natural shape – clouds, leaves, anything not manmade. The endorphins start to flow within minutes. I find myself saying “What the hell was I thinking?”! Train yourself to fight suicidal thoughts…it works!
Sue,
These are excellent ideas. The suggestions around physical activity and observation are good ones. I talk more about how to physically counter anxiety, which can also apply to suicidal thoughts, here: “Let’s Get Physical”: 7 Tips to Calm Anxiety.
2 years now of trying with lots of therapy and drugs, but I see myself getting weaker and worse, unable to escape the guilt and self loathing. If only I’d realised how bad it could get at the start then I would have done more. When the whole situation is overwhelming the techniques are difficult to employ.
Hopeless and invisible. Are you currently on meds? Are you seeing a psychiatrist ? My so commited suicide 5 weeks ago please answer me. I’m trying to understand.
Forgive yourself as you would have compassion for a stranger with similar struggles and feelings of regrets and self negative talk.
if you cry like i do when i am in that dark place its because your heart knows there is light but the dark clouds in the mind are just lies , toxic pollution
Dave I don’t battle depression but I lost my son to suicide 6 months ago. What you say about techniques being difficult to employ…..this is how I envisioned it was for my son. He was smart, aware, and he was working on trying to control his thoughts. He was on medication but told me the medication caused him to “not feel”. He said it was a miserable existence on medications. So he tried going off after hearing a podcast about a women who had like a primal scream and broke out of her negative thoughts and self loathing. This podcast also portrayed the drug companies as evil. He quit his medication in an effort to see if he could go it alone. When he realized he couldn’t, he tried to get back on medication and that’s when he took his life. I think about his struggle all the time and I try to imagine what it was like for him. Having to struggle with your mind and constantly pull yourself up out of self loathing and hateful thoughts……is there any worse situation when your own mind is your worst enemy? I cry for him and the struggle he endured. I know relatives who right now are fighting that battle with their mind. My heart goes out to you.
I know that my days are numbered. Nothing can save me. I just hope that by speaking out against stigma maybe I can save someone else. If your loved one is talking about suicide or exhibiting the signs take it seriously. Don’t reject them. It will be the difference between life and death.
What a poignant message, “Hopeless and invisible.” Thank you for reaching out to help others. I do hope that folks will fully absorb the meaning of your words.
As for your personal statement, I don’t know you, but I don’t believe that there is anybody who cannot turn away from the thrall of suicide. (See my post, “Is Suicide Inevitable for Some People?”)
I wonder what all you’ve tried. There are so many things that can change your life, or, perhaps even more importantly, your perspective and perceptions. Perhaps this post of mine will be helpful to you: “Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?”
Finally, please check out the resources I’ve compiled (a partial list, to be sure) for people who are considering suicide. There are all sorts of ways you can get help, from calling a hotline to participating anonymously in an online suicide chat room. Please click here for those resources.
I am so sorry you feel hopeless and invisible. I hope you will consider the possibility that your thoughts may be wrong – that you are neither hopeless nor invisible, and that the number of days can be far longer, and peacefully so, than you expect at this time.
Nothing is ever hopeless and no person is invisible …. your light shines in way you cannot know as a human being. We are all here for a reason ….. maybe not to do great things but maybe as Mother Teresa said – to do small things with GREAT LOVE …. show yourself this great love and your true purpose will emerge. Yes we all should listen to one another ……. agreed ….I hope you are still there. God Bless you.