“I had no idea what I had done to you, although I should have known it in retrospect. So I guess now is a good time to say I am sorry, although it is about 19 years too late.”
Those words came from a dear friend of mine who went through a prolonged suicidal crisis almost 20 years ago. With her permission, I have written a couple of articles on this site about her (The Woman who Lived in a Tipi and “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person).
In one article, I described my impossible wish to protect her at all times from suicide. I wrote, “…I was left with this feeling of abject helplessness, this recognition that she might kill herself, and also this sudden acceptance that ultimately I could not control if she died by suicide.”
I asked her to read the article before I published it online, in case she had any problems with it. After she read it, I asked, “Did you know that I had come to that realization about you and how helpless I was? It was a very humbling experience.”
I had just read an interview with Thomas Joiner, PhD, the acclaimed psychologist who wrote the book Why People Die by Suicide. He describes the mental illnesses and suffering that lead to suicide as “forces of nature.”
“I was humbled by that force of nature,” I told my friend.
And her response to me was the apology I wrote above.
Why Apologize for Suicidal Thoughts?
Imagine if she had been stung by a bee and had suffered an allergic reaction requiring a frantic trip to the emergency room. Now imagine that the drugs the doctors gave her were not helping, and I felt tremendously helpless to save her. Would she feel the need to apologize 19 years later for what she had “done” to me?
That is the sad, tricky thing about suicidal thoughts. They come from within you, so you may mistake them for you. They are not you. As I have written previously, suicidal thoughts and actions are a symptom that something is wrong, just like a fever or acute physical pain lets you know that you need to stop, rest, take care of yourself, figure out why and where you are hurting, seek support from others, and perhaps get professional help.
If you think of suicide, it is not because of you or your personality. Instead, it is because of something akin to a disorder of the blood or the heart. Something you did not ask for. Something you did not choose. Something you did not cause.
You Don’t Need to Apologize for Thinking of Suicide
For that reason, when my friend apologized, I told her, “No no no – you didn’t do anything to me. That was why I said that about the force of nature. It did that to me. And you were its victim far, far more than I. No apologies necessary!”
And I say the same to you. Whoever you are, wherever you are, you don’t deserve blame, judgment, or shame for your suicidal thoughts or actions. You have done nothing wrong. Instead, the blame belongs to “forces of nature.”
© 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photo purchased from Fotolia.com.
Yes I do.
That does nothing to help when someone decides to turn past desperate discussions with a partner of “I have to get help or I feel I *will* die by suicide even though I’m not suicidal” into “she made threats of suicide so she’s abusive; it’s domestic violence”. When I said that I was saying “please help. I don’t want to feel like this” but it allows people who feel evil to re-frame it. No one ever said “she threatened PCOS or pancreatic cancer”.
My force of nature came through 15+ years of sadistic abuse by my biological parents. My mother told me I didn’t deserve to live repeatedly for YEARS. She was my first abuser, physically, emotionally and sexually. I believe that I’ve always been bad.
Ptsd, depression and suicide thoughts, urges and attempts have been part of my life since I was very young. I learned from my mother that to protect HER, I had to be crazy.
My father had his own way of abusing my body and soul. There was no safe haven for me, until I found a way to escape, into my mind, in the form of dissociation. I became we as everything that was done to me shattered me into so many pieces, it feels as if we will never become whole again.
Since September 11, 2017, everything that is me/we/us, has shut down. We have become withdrawn, removing myself from social media and friends.
We have become caught in Suicide’s grip again and there is little to no hope that we will survive it this time.
We have a therapist, a really good, compassionate therapist. She doesn’t freak when I talk about dying by suicide. She gives empathy.
However since September 11th, I have even been trying to withdraw from her, going so far as to cry out to her that we no longer WANT to connect to her, my kids, my friends or ANYONE!! We have no peace. We have no faith. We have no hope.
In another article I read, you talk about giving suicide thoughts and intent 3 days. I’m giving it 3 weeks.
I don’t feel like we are going to make it out of this alive.
Hi Alisha,
Just a note to say, I’m a little stunned to know that I’m still alive. I was so sure that I would have imploded/exploded by now. I wonder if u feel the same. I wonder about tomorrow… I hope that if I’m here, I’m a little stronger.
I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR ARTICLE WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE NOW YOUR SOURCE OF HOPE AND LIFE LOVING.I HOPE I COULD HELP PEOPLE WHO SUFFER OF THIS NIGHTMARE AND GUIDE THEM FROM THE DARK TO THE DAYLIGHT SHOW THEM THAT LIFE IS NOT A PARADISE BUT NOT A HELL AS WELL. I KNOW SOME SUICIDAL PEOPLE AND THE IDEA OF LOSING THEM IS HAUNTING AND THAT MAKES ME FEEL SOMETIMES DEPRESSIVE. MAY GOD BLESS YOU AND GOOD LUCK.
illydent,
Thank you for your kind words. You can help others by reaching out, listening, and being a friend.
I’m including the link here of the article you’re referencing, for others who haven’t seen it: A Suicide Therapist’s Secret Past.