“If someone’s life is so awful that they want to die by suicide, why stop them?”
I am frequently asked some variation of this question, even by mental health professionals. Once, a therapist told me about a client of hers with schizophrenia. “He is miserable, and he will always have schizophrenia. I think letting him kill himself is humane.”
I am passionate about suicide prevention. My stance often draws the ire of people who think that people should have the right to end their own life without interference by well-meaning others.
To my mind, there are many reasons to stop someone from suicide. (I am not, by the way, including “death with dignity” or “hastened death.” That’s grist for another discussion.)
Before going into those reasons, I want to make clear that I don’t take intervention lightly. I don’t call the police if someone discloses suicidal thoughts. I don’t think people should be involuntarily committed to a hospital except in the most extreme circumstances, like if someone has a gun in their car and tells me they are going to shoot themselves when they leave my office, without any desire or will to come up with an alternative. I consider myself to be a therapist who doesn’t panic about suicide.
Why Prevent Suicide?
Except in very limited circumstances, such as states where physician-assisted death is legal for people with terminal illness, I believe that therapists should never give up helping a suicidal person to stay alive.
The most important reason to prevent suicide is that suicidal crises, though formidable and painful, almost always are temporary. Even if the person continues thinking about suicide, the intense suicidal intent usually subsides. Consider that 90% of people who survive a suicide attempt do not go on to die by suicide. That number is very revealing. Even among people who wanted to die so strongly that they tried to end their life, most ultimately chose to live.
As long as a person is alive, things can change for the better. Situations change. Even if their external situation is unchangeable, they may discover things that make their life worth living. There is always the possibility that they may find ways to cope. Or they may come to appreciate different things in life. They may even find a purpose in life that gives their loss or trauma meaning.
Kevin Hines is a suicide prevention advocate who, years ago, jumped off of the Golden Gate Bridge, the site in the U.S. with the most suicides every year. Death is almost certain when one jumps from the bridge. More than 1,500 people are known to have jumped to their death, and only 30 or so are known to have survived. So when Kevin jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge, he was absolutely intent on dying. And yet, even with that intention, the moment he jumped off the bridge, he instantly regretted his decision.
His experience is one of many (including my own story) that illustrates that the wish to die is fluid. It comes and goes to varying degrees. A great many people who are saved from suicide are thankful, sooner or later, to be alive.
Is Suicide Rational?
Another important reason to prevent suicide is because, proponents of rational suicide notwithstanding, suicide is often irrational.
Some research indicates that 90% of people who die by suicide had a diagnosable mental illness at the time of their death (though more recently, some evidence indicates that not as many people who die by suicide have a mental illness diagnosis).
Mental illness distorts thinking. What is bad can seem good, and vice versa. Often, very often, when a person’s mental health improves, the wish to die goes away.
Some people contest the high estimates of mental illness in suicide. Even if we presume the 90% figure is correct, not everyone who dies by suicide has a mental illness. Other things besides mental illness can also distort one’s thinking, such as substance use, sleep deprivation, and trauma.
When people address these issues, they often join the legions who seriously considered suicide or made an attempt, and who many years later live to tell about it.
Revised on May 30, 2017, this post was originally titled “‘If Someone’s Life is So Awful that They Want to Die, Why Stop Them?'”
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. All rights Reserved. Written For: Speaking of Suicide. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
Why can’t people die themselves
I might be x years old but my mental state is horrible and to tell the truth when I was writing this I was probably thinking of way to overdose or self harm because the thing is I would not be able to kill myself with a knife the only way I would be able to commit suicide would be to a (gun, drowning, overdose, ext) because I for some reason I can’t push myself to do it but if I had a gun than once you pull the trigger that’s it no going back and I know for some people that might be horrifying but that’s the way the cookie crumbles you can’t call 911 or 988 when you’re already dead there’s no retake no take #2 there’s nothing you can do if you understand what I really mean in a situation like this but not from a therapist point of view not a doctor and not a staff member at a psych ward or a mental hospital i’m talking about the patients that have had been in a situation that makes them think about thing like this and i’m not going to be another person to talk about suicide like it’s the worst thing to happen to somebody i’m going to talk about it from my point of view because to me it is something a person wants to do and if someone were to ask me to help them commit suicide I won’t ask them why are they doing this if someone made them feel this way if so how did you come to this answer instead of asking for help or asking me for help, I would just ask what time, date, and where I would not be the one to stop a suicide I would be the one to make it a double suicide, I will not be a rode block I will just be the car next to you driving along knowing that there’s a clif that we’re both approaching it slowly but surely. And I know you might not get a lot of comments like this (someone confessing about their problems) but I can’t talk to someone about this face to face because I know that I would lie to them because they know me they know my guardian and the truth is I like speaking without anybody knowing who I am, where i’m from and how to reach me it’s like when I put a fake smile you never know what’s real and what’s fake.
Social anxiety (I sighed in irl with this one) I have many mental illness and one of them is social anxiety, some people this is like being shy “You’ll grow out of it” they might say this but it’s not always true.Everybody who has ever said doesn’t have social anxiety, not one and take from someone who been masking there emotions for years even though I look happy I act happy doesn’t mean i’m happy {And please don’t take me for just another kid who has nothing better to do because right now as i’m writing this it is about 1:47am I should be sleeping right? No I’m just a kid who doesn’t know what i’m talking about right? That’s who you see me as? If you do then leave or don’t but with that outta the way let’s continue.} you don’t just “Grow out of social anxiety” you have it your whole life and you just have to mask it like um.. like I really don’t have any words to describe how to mask your depression because the way I do it’s like the starter pack I just push everyone I know and love away until i’m so alone that I regret what I did than try to get them back in my life just to fail at that too like everything else that I try to succeed at. I’m just a middle schooler yet every day I have to put on a fake smile so that I can have friends, I have to bully myself so I can be the person everybody wants me to be, but I can’t keep being this person that doesn’t exist that doesn’t breath but I breath I exist but I guess being someone your not is better than being yourself and in their eyes it’s selfish to want to be yourself it’s selfish to want to be your own person to live your own life without having someone tell you your wrong for being happy about the small things and they tell you if you get happy over small things then you won’t have the energy for the big things but if you really think about what happens more often the small things they come every day instead of having to wait years for one big thing and yes sometimes waiting all those years is worth it but you still need to be happy for the small things in life and if you don’t who cares! it’s your life to live however you want if you want to be rich then be rich and if you don’t want to be in first class then be in economy do what feels right because most of the time your gut is right so follow your dreams it doesn’t matter if your 7 or 58
Everybody has the right to follow your dreams.
I have a lot of problems at home and with my family like the day i’m writing this is the same day when my sister (18 now when are mom was killed she was 17) said to my other sister (11 now when are mom was killed she was 10) that me and my sister we’re breathing wrong and that everything we do is wrong because we aren’t supposed to breath (AKA we aren’t supposed be alive) as if we wanted to be alive as if we told are mom to give birth to us, but I know my sister wants to live more than I do. On June 5 2024 my mom and sister were both killed early in the morning by my step dad (yes my step dad killed his own kid for unknown reasons the court date is soon so i’ll update) I was upstairs with my sisters sleeping and my step dad shot my mom and little sister, now my sister was 3 years old at the time and my mom was 30, my stepdad was also 30 at the time and for some reason on top of all this trauma he still wanted to make sure that there was no recovering from this so he decided to also be controlling, abusive, munipalating, and one of my sisters said that he had “S.A” (sexualy abused) her, now I believe her but I have no proof so it’s a 70% VR 30% (70%-She’s telling the truth 30%-She’s lying) P.S i’m sorry that I use the brackets a lot I just feel like using them when I need to say background info about something once again sorry.
To be honest i’ve just been brain dumping/venting entire time all of this did happen but nobody cares I think that’s why I want to die because nobody cares because everything I do somehow is wrong one way or another I did something wrong I always find a way to mess things up and that’s what I hate, when other people get to tell everybody what is wrong and what is right now most laws are normal (robbing, shoplifting, murder) but suicide? Why do people get to say if I have the right to die when if I wanted to die right now right this moment and only now never again then I understand you know somebody just had a breakdown and that’s the end of it but if they are constantly thinking about ending it all then why stop them? If this is what they want then let them but people of all ages should stop faking that you will kill yourself people they shouldn’t be doing things like this because I want to die not them so they need to stop acting and go back to the drawing board.
(This is my final put in it will be short) From my last words on this I just want to say thank you to whoever made it to this point in my story and I think that if you want to die…. Just do whatever puts that last real smile on your face.
My message (Start)
Social anxiety and my horrible way of handling depression(Part 2)
{Don’t put me in the same place as the fake depressed people} (Part 2.5)
My family life(Part 3)
why I think I want to die(Part 4)
My final thoughts on this topic(End)
Phoenix,
I made it all the way through your message and let me tell you, I care. I care a lot. You told so much about yourself that I feel like I know you, and I know I care about you. You’ve been through terrible trauma — really, some of the worst things people go through in life. Your mom and sister, murdered by your stepdad. Another sister, sexually abused by him. It sounds like another sister bullies you and you bully yourself. You feel like you’ve done something wrong. Like *you* are wrong. No wonder you have thoughts of wanting to die! You’re hurting terribly and our brains are wired to try to escape pain however we can.
Do you have anyone you feel safe to talk to, maybe someone who doesn’t know your guardian? If you’re in the U.S., you can call the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline just by dialing 988. You can text the Crisis Text Line at 741741. There also are “warm lines” you can call; I list these resources — and more — on the Resources page at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You’re grieving, Phoenix. You’re hearing the year anniversary of major trauma. Please, in this fragile state you are in don’t believe everything you think, ok? The pain of what you’ve experienced is hard to comprehend. I am so sorry for your losses. And I hope you’ll keep giving life a chance. There are so many good things that can happen for you, even amid this loss and pain. Does anything give you any happiness, like cats or dogs or video games or anything like that? What has helped you get through the last 11+ months? What wishes and hopes might sustain you?
Thanks for sharing your story here. I hope you will update us soon.
p.s. I took out names you provided to protect their privacy. I hope you understand.
1. You say “… as long as a person is alive, things can change for the better…. they may discover things that make their life worth living. There is always the possibility that they may find ways to cope. Or they may come to appreciate different things in life. They may even find a purpose in life that gives their loss or trauma meaning.”
Consider this: “… as long as a person is alive, things can change for the worst… they may not discover things that make their life worth living. There is always the possibility that they may not find ways to cope. Or they may not come to appreciate different things in life. They may not even find a purpose in life that gives their loss or trauma meaning.”
Why this insistence that people should continue lives they find unacceptable, because of the possibility of things getting better; when there is also a possibility of things remaining the same or getting worse?
People may not believe that it can get better, and given that no one can faithfully predict the future, their opinion is just as valid as that of those who believe that things will improve. Even people who do believe that things may get better, may still believe that it is not worth it to suffer until that indefinite time comes. Why, then, do you (suicide prevention advocates in general) feel justified in arrogating to yourselves the right to decide on other people’s behalf? The 90% statistic, commonly invoked to impugn the rationality of suicidal people, and to attribute their desire to die to “distorted thinking” (they being in their ‘right mind’ only when they like life), is unscientific; as has already been shown in the comments section (see especially Zara 2015), and by numerous researches (see, for instance— https://doi.org/10.1080/07481187.2017.1332905), so it cannot be appealed to in order to argue the case that suicidal people have the mental capacity of infants (for that is what this false association of suicide and so-called ‘mental illness’ does), and that it is therefore justifiable to treat them as such — to infringe upon their rights, ‘for their sake’.
The other 90% statistic has also been challenged for several reasons; but were it even accurate, it is disingenuous circular reasoning to use it to justify suicide prevention. It is disingenuous to make it difficult for people to do something; then, when they do not do it, to appeal to this fact as evidence that they do not want to do it (it would be unnecessary to make it difficult in the first place if they did not want to do it). It is circular reasoning to prevent people from ending their own lives; and to then appeal to the fact that they do not end their own lives as evidence that it is justifiable to prevent them from ending their own lives.
When people are deprived of reliable and peaceful suicide methods, have brute force exercised upon them when they employ such methods as are left to them, and have involuntary confinement hovering above them should they be unsuccessful or stopped, it is not that marvellous that they do not re-attempt. Nor does the mere fact that they do not re-attempt mean that their lives have improved or that they have even ceased to be suicidal. This is indeed the case for some people, but there are others who wake up every day feeling like hostages.
All the other problems I have with this article, or rather with suicide prevention in general, have already been addressed, and my convictions on this subject have already been ably expressed, in earlier comments, so I need not expound. As someone who believes that everyone should have the right to a peaceful death, for their own reasons, and at their own time, it was very cathartic to see this pro-choice perspective given a fair hearing. Much thanks to you Stacey, for allowing these views to be voiced. While I know and respect that this is not the purpose of your blog, I admire your tolerance; and am glad to know that some of the criticism you received led you to reconsider certain things. That is why discussion is so important. To defend a position, yet silence all opinions save those that agree with it, is a tactic to which none but a desperate cause would appeal. Error is called out, and truth called forth, when both parties are allowed to speak.
Isn’t there an undetermined, yet actual existence, of a percentage of people who ARE grateful their suicide was prevented & live for decades never attempted suicide again because the person does NOT want to, & not out of coercion, who then go on to have a death NOT prompted on their own accord?
Of course there is.
What voice would you have for those people?
Do such people, however small or big the percentage, NOT have a right to suicide prevention?
How do we (pro-suicide, pro-suicide prevention, neutral, & whoever “we” else might be) know the difference?
Or, are you anti “people who are/would be thankful for their own suicide prevention” having the right to suicide prevention?
Your right to be protected from yourself, should not come at the expense of the right of others to be left alone. I don’t see how one can declare it a right to have the government interfere in a person’s private decisions, without assuming that the government knows best and that suicide is categorically wrong in all cases. I also don’t know why you couldn’t just extend that argument to everything – all of us have at one point in time made a decision that we’ve ended up having second thoughts about. So why not just make it a law that the government always decides what’s best for us. You could call it the right to be prevented from making our own decisions.
How would you propose that we allow the government to interfere in people’s suicides without unduly infringing on the negative liberty rights of those who will never be grateful for being deprived of the opportunity to end our lives? Why is the onus on us to justify why we should simply be left alone; rather than on the ones who want to interfere into private and personal choices?
The most reasonable compromise would be to allow a temporary restriction on access to reliable methods; which would go a long way to ensuring that those who eventually did avail themselves of those methods were acting in accordance with their authentic values, rather than reacting to a momentary impulse. There’s absolutely no justification for a blanket prohibition on suicide; no matter what the actual number of people might be who would later be grateful for suicide prevention. Forcibly trapping someone in their suffering is an act of violence.
How about just not attempting suicide if you don’t wanna die. I swallowed a bottle of pills than actively attacked the people trying to resuscitate me and still they forced me to be alive against my will. Next time maybe I should bring a weapon and you can be thankful I’m alive while others are dead
● Isn’t there an undetermined, yet actual existence, of a percentage of people who ARE grateful their suicide was prevented & live for decades never attempted suicide again because the person does NOT want to, & not out of coercion, who then go on to have a death NOT prompted on their own accord?
Yes there are such people, and I acknowledged them. But what I also pointed out, and what you seem to be overlooking, is that there are OTHER people who are not grateful their suicide was (or is being) prevented, who do re-attempt suicide, or who do not re-attempt but who live for decades not because they want to but because they are prevented from doing otherwise, and who then go on to have a death, indeed, but most likely a wretched one (by accident, disease or violence) after a no less wretched life.
● Do such people, however small or big the percentage, NOT have a right to suicide prevention?
I could ask you the converse: Do the people who regret having been prevented from suicide, and who still want to die, however great or minute their percentage, not deserve the right to be exempted from suicide prevention, and to carry their own decisions to fruition instead?
● Are you anti “people who are/would be thankful for their own suicide prevention” having the right to suicide prevention?
1. There is no such thing as a “right” to suicide prevention. I think that a right to be prevented from determining the circumstances of one’s own death, would actually be a violation of one’s rights to autonomy and self-determination. It is indeed justifiable to prevent people from making their own decisions, when there is evidence to conclude that the person’s mental capacity is so impaired or limited as to render them incapable of understanding and appreciating the consequences of their decisions. This can justify paternal interventions in the case of children. It does not justify paternal interventions in the case of adults who make a decision to end their own lives, because of reasons to which I already averted — mainly that there is no objective evidence to warrant their being infantilised in that fashion.
2. You ask if I am against people, who would be thankful for their own suicide prevention, being prevented from suicide. The problem here is the one I addressed afore, namely, that you do not know who “would be thankful for their own suicide prevention.” What I struggle with is that (a) you have no idea who is going to be thankful for being intervened on and who is not, (b) you nonetheless intervene, guided by your personal assumption that they will be thankful for it, and (c) should your assumption turn out to be incorrect, someone else has to suffer the ill consequences of YOUR actions, and at no point will they be allowed to end their own life humanely (not even as compensation for this unsolicited interference). Instead, they will just keep being told to hope and get help; and if their life never improves, this will never materially affect yours. (I encourage you to read the comment of Den (October 11, 2018). She was caught in this quandary and I consider hers a most appropriate and empathic reaction to it; and I am sorry to say that Stacey’s response thereto could not have been any more insensitive — it is a perfect illustration, however, of the callous indifference against which I am presently protesting.)
3. So far as people simply being glad that they were prevented from suicide, I have nothing against that, but I am (a) against this fact being used as justification for infringing upon people’s rights — some individuals regretting a choice they made does not warrant depriving everyone else of the ability to make that choice: that is in a way penalising some people for the mistakes of others, and it is unjust; and (b) against people who are not thankful for, but who are resentful of, having their suicide prevented being treated as expendable and as if their sufferings do not matter.
If suicide prevention helps some, it certainly harms others (those people, I mean, who, for whatever reason, simply want an end to this experience, but who are forced, instead, to continue because of other people’s belief that one day they will like their life), and I feel like that is not being taken very seriously by its advocates. They are responsible for that harm, and they need a much better justification for it (if any they can find) than “well, there are people who are happy about having been prevented from suicide.” No doubt there are. But what about the others? Why does the happiness of these people outrival other people’s suffering?
That’s a false argument. You could fill in the blanks with every minority known to man, and it would still sound true.
“Isn’t it true that ISIS might convert some people to the right religion, and thus we should allow sharia law in our country, just in case?”
But let’s say for the sake of argument that there is a part of suicides and suicide-attempts who actually mean it as a cry for help.
Okay. But then what?
How do you, as a third person, without knowledge of the individual you’re trying to save, decide who is ‘faking’ and who are real?
Your argument boils down to “People might not be able to express their need for help, thus we have to help everybody…..Whether they want it or not”
Or if your from my generation:
“We will convert the galaxy to our peaceful way of thinking. By force, if necessary”
I agree that everyone should have the _option_ for help, either through a helpline, or an open crisis-shelter or whatever.
Something written in clarion letters, and taught just as thoroughly as dialing 911.
EVERYONE should be taught from early childhood that a mental crisis is just as critical as a broken bone, or a spurting artery.
After my stint in the psych-ward, I suddenly learned of a number of places that were ready to take me in.
Never knew they existed. Two of them was in my own county where I’ve lived most of my life.
Finding yourself suddenly in need of psych help is not unlike suddenly finding yourself in need of a cello.
It’s not that you don’t recognize the need for it, it’s more a question of “Where the fuck do I even start?”
I also know from experience that despair is depression without the possibility of hope. And it is impossible to adequately describe to someone who hasn’t experienced it.
I have spent quite a few hours on my living-room floor just flat-out weeping, without knowing why.
You really think that some stranger showing up at my door, trying to impress upon me the positive nature of life, would be able to stop me from doing what I intended?
My first question would be “Why the fuck would I listen to you?”
I mean, I get it. Your heart is in the right place. You want to help those who are too far gone to ask for help themselves.
All very admirable, in theory.
But…….
You’re also assuming that the default position of humankind is that all life is sacred. Which is just factually untrue.
Preventing everyone from possibly committing suicide would violate any number of privacy laws, and with that human society as we know it.
Would it help a small umber of people to survive? Probably.
It would also condemn humanity into a dystopian hell.
And speaking for humanity, we’re already doing that. We don’t need your help. 🙂
Yes, I totally agree with Den saying on 10-11-2018, “…a person who ‘saves’ another from suicide surely must then have some kind of responsibility to make the said person’s life worth living.”
I wasn’t overlooking those who feel no thankfulness for their own suicide prevention. My opinion was that you had covered that thoroughly. Nothing more for me to add to that except why the disregard for others right to suicide prevention.
Yes, there is such a thing as right to suicide prevention such as even by the two cases you agree to be true:
1) It is indeed justifiable to prevent people from making their own decisions, when there is evidence to conclude that the person’s mental capacity is so impaired or limited as to render them incapable of understanding and appreciating the consequences of their decisions.
2) This can justify paternal interventions in the case of children [when the child is a minor].
You may argue there’s a difference between something being “justified” vs. being a legal right.
But, in the United States Declaration of Independence, the right to life is the first listed.
In the US, suicide is the 11th leading cause of death for all ages.
It’s the 2nd leading cause for ages 10–14 & for ages 20–34, and the 3rd leading cause for ages 15–19.
Something being that dangerous to the lives of people invites government intervention.
Kind of like when meat-packing plants aren’t using safe practices for the public, it invites the government in.
And, when death is deliberately caused, versus an accident, it even more invites the government in.
Part of the US government’s job is to protect the right to life.
At no point did I imply there’s never a right to death, even for an otherwise “healthy” &/or “ought to be happy” person.
I did acknowledge everyone by posing the question, “how do we know the difference” – between those who are thankful for the right to suicide prevention, & those who are not thankful?
I agree it’s NOT ok for a government to forcibly hold someone in their suffering.
“Why is [it] on us to justify why we [unthankful for suicide prevention] should simply be left alone, rather than on the ones who want to interfere into private and personal choices?”
Because it results in death on purpose. And, there is such a thing as the right to life, & so also the right to suicide prevention.
And, the right to suicide prevention need NOT interfere with someone’s right to death.
But, the right to death DOES interfere with someone’s right to suicide prevention.
It’d also really muddy the waters regarding good Samaritan laws.
I think your description of a good compromise would be a good start for protecting both the right to life and the right to death:
“The most reasonable compromise would be to allow a temporary restriction on access to reliable methods; which would go a long way to ensuring that those who eventually did avail themselves of those methods were acting in accordance with their authentic values, rather than reacting to a momentary impulse.”
What do you think?
I agree about the paternal statement for minor children.
However, once a person is an adult, they should have the right to live or not. The argument about the mental capacity issue. Every psychiatrist and therapist believe that if a person wants to die there’s something mentally unstable with them. And that is because it’s their own opinion.
Your analogy about the government intervention. Some some should argue then that government should get involved in liquor and cigarettes etc. because they cause slow deaths liver diseases cancer etc so if the government should be protecting us from our own decisions than the government should ban cigarettes alcohol sugar and the list can go on and on and on.
The government has no right to tell another person a citizen that they should live or not live and they should not prevent it. Period
Very well spoken !!
Actually the government is in the mix when it comes to cigarettes and alcohol.
If you’ve experienced government food programs, you’d know the government is also in the mix about the consumption of sugar.
The government has a responsibility for upholding the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of property (aka: happiness).
But, what you are describing about, “no right to tell another person a citizen that they should live or not live and they should not prevent it,” would take away the right to suicide prevention especially for those who would be thankful for it – & muddies the waters for Good Samaritan laws.
I’m very much about pro-education allowing people to make informed choices.
Creating circumstances that foster people to make uninformed decisions is cruel.
Unless a person happens to be a person whose suicide was prevented, and they were thankful afterward for said prevention, and never wanted suicide again; unless you be that person, you don’t have the right to speak about that people don’t have a right to suicide prevention.
I really doubt a person who appreciated that their suicide was prevented would argue that others like them (who would find themselves appreciating staying alive) don’t also have a right to that.
What are the cases where a person is prevented from living that you mention in, “… that they should live or not live…”?