In 2014, about a year before my son Charles died by suicide, we were sitting on the deck outside of our home in Virginia. He had just posted a rap video online. He was so proud of it, and I think with the video, he was trying to send me a sideways message that I missed.
I feel alone and scared
I turn on the light
And nothing’s ever there.
This world is desolate and cold
Go to school, Charles.
Do what you’re told and
Hope that your cycle of reality never gets old
Cuz one day everything you know in love
Will collapse and fold.
(From “Hell on Earth” by Charles Aubrey Rogers)
I asked Charles, “Why are all your raps so depressing? Can’t you write something more lighthearted?”—as if I could wash away his darkness and push him into the light.
That question shamed him for his pain, demonstrating a complete lack of understanding of the rap genre and what it meant to him. I had essentially and unintentionally communicated that the darkness in his soul was too ugly to put on display.
Missing Clues to Depression
I thought my words could inject happiness and cajole him out of all that unnecessary depression. Immediately, I knew I’d said the wrong thing and regret seized my heart. It still stings as I write this, although I have forgiven myself for it.
Up until then, my 19-year-old son had shared none of his written rap lyrics with me. I’d only heard his album, watched his video, and seen some song titles. After his death, I would read his “rap diaries” and include some in my first book, Diary of a Broken Mind.
Charles’ raps were poetry from the soul, and I now recognize these deeply personal expressions as his therapy. After his death, these songs answered so many questions about the “why?” surrounding his suicide.
Had I seen all of my son’s lyrics in 2014, I would have been alarmed by all the pain that stained every word, and my instinct would have been to insist on professional help.
Or to cheer him up.
Why Can Positivity Be Toxic?
Charles didn’t want cheering up or help, at least not the traditional kind. A tortured creative soul, he was never able to follow a path he didn’t carve himself.
I do think he wanted to talk, and he wanted me to know.
Most of all, he wanted to be heard.
I now believe that video he posted was his litmus test to see how I’d react. Sadly, I didn’t pass the test. And I was never aware of my son’s thoughts of suicide until after his shocking death.
Many times, when people confess their pain, they get pat responses about how they can “cheer up” – as if their despair is singularly a matter of having the wrong attitude. No wonder many people hesitate to share their suicidal thoughts with others.
Our first instinct, whether it’s with our children, relatives, friends, or co-workers is to try to push our loved one out of their distress and into the light with rah-rah expressions and solutions. This is called toxic positivity.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset no matter how dire or difficult a situation. Happiness – or at least hope – is the only acceptable emotion. It’s as though we’re asking people to mask their struggles so the people around them don’t have to feel uncomfortable.
We might say things like…
- “It will get better.”
- “Look for the silver lining.”
- “You have so much to live for!”
- “Focus on the positive.”
- “Don’t cry. Just be strong.”
- “Be grateful for all you have.”
- “Think happy thoughts!”
- “If you want to be happy, try cutting out sugar. It did wonders for me!”
- “You’d be less depressed if you exercised more. You should try it.”
- “You should __________.” (Any phrase that starts this way is usually the wrong thing to say)
These well-intentioned phrases often come from a place of fear and discomfort. But instead of lifting someone up, they shut the conversation down, invalidating the feelings that person has so bravely shared.
Pain Doesn’t Disappear When Ignored
Instead of rushing to “fix” someone, we must meet them where they are—whether that’s in sadness, despair, or thoughts of dying by suicide. Listening without judgment and sitting with someone in their pain is one of the greatest gifts we can give.
Stacey Freedenthal refers to this as “brave listening” in her book Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts:
Brave listening is resisting the temptation to change the subject, give advice, lecture, offer reassurance, or convince the person to think or feel differently. It’s focusing on the person’s needs, not on your own wish to feel less helpless, worried, and stressed as you listen.
Along the same lines, a young woman who has struggled with suicidal thoughts shared this with me:
“I just truly wish that someone could just sit with me in those moments, when I utter those exhausting words, ‘I’m struggling, I want to die.’ Not talk me out of it, not give platitudes, not give advice, not tell me how good life can be… just sit with me, in that space. Just hold on to me while I work through it.”
Her words are a powerful reminder. People don’t need us to fill the silence with solutions or optimism.
They need our presence. They need time to process. They need to feel heard.
The Power of Listening
You might worry that listening to someone in pain will drag you down, or that you won’t know what to say. Never underestimate the power of sitting with someone in their pain or tragedy without trying to sugarcoat or fix.
I once led a suicide prevention training at North Carolina State University. Afterward, a faculty member said, “Thanks to your training, I was able to ask a student about suicide today. While I was nervous, it felt strangely empowering.”
Empathy and connection are empowering—for both the giver and the receiver. When you offer someone the space to share their darkest thoughts, without judgment, interruption, or rah-rah phrases, you create room for hope, healing, growth, resilience, and life.
Listen More, Lecture Less
It might feel counterintuitive to listen without offering solutions or encouragement, but adopting this approach can deepen your relationships. It allows the person to be heard and discover their own solutions. And it builds trust, helping your loved ones feel safe turning to you for support.
I wish I had offered my son Charles the gift of silence that day when I commented on his rap video, instead of defaulting to my “mom-fixer” mode. I could have asked him—genuinely and with curiosity—about the feelings that inspired his song. Then, I could have listened, really listened, giving him space to process and respond in his own time.
It was a missed opportunity to strengthen our bond, to let him feel seen and heard. More importantly, it might have opened the door for him to confide in me later.
I no longer blame myself for doing what so many parents instinctively do. By sharing my story, I hope to highlight the power of simply being present with someone in their pain—without trying to fix it or make the person happy or get the person to think positively.
—————-
If you are talking to your kids, this 44 second video offers an example of what to resist saying: Listen to Your Kids: Ditch the Toxic Positivity!
© 2025 AnneMoss Rogers. All Rights Reserved. Written for Speaking of Suicide.
So helpful and true with anyone struggling. I am learning to be a better listener now with
my sister and her spouse, both with dementia. It’s a whole new learning curve!
Wow. That will test you. I practiced that with my Dad, Gloria. I’m sorry you are facing that–both at the same time. Thanks for commenting
A great article that is offered by one who has experience to write it. The toxic positivity brigade often miss the point. If one is feeling isolated in their pain and is told to Cheer Up, or similar words or that things will get better, that person will isolate further as they will feel unheard and maybe feel shame for even voicing how they feel.
I truly believe that if we can just sit with the person and listen to them, this will go a long way to supporting them. Alas, most people offer their advice, l think, from the space of caring too much. They fear that if they show any negativity, it will push the person further into depression. But if we just sit there, listen and let the the person know that we are there for them, that will support them in their crisis (at least l believe so)
I do think people are just trying to help the person. But this, Heath, is what is the fear.–>”They fear that if they show any negativity, it will push the person further into depression.”
Thanks for your comment. It highlights an important point.
As you say what so many instinctively do. It’s so easy to say “don’t worry, be happy!” when that’s the last thing others want to hear.
You write well and this is a very good read, even if it’s not what we want to see …
It is so instinctive to want to say something positive. Not so much to dismiss someone but we think we need to be a cheerleader. I know there are parts other than listening because we can ask questions that help that person find their own path forward. It was only after I reflected back that I changed. And I don’t want others to miss the opportunity even if the price tag isn’t this high. Not that this one act alone set the stage for his suicide. It didn’t. I simply wish I had listened more and lectured less. However what I can do is change. And I have. Thank you for your comment.
I am so very sorry for your loss, your story caused me to think back to some of the things that had been said to my son Mike. Your words are profound. My husband and my son got into an argument just hours before. I have always said that you should be able to have an argument or disagreement and your kid doesn’t go out and take his life. But it happened. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mike was not in his right mind. My son listened to what I thought was depressing and angry music. I wish I could get his i pod working, but then I think why. we have all lived our lives through music, why shouldn’t our kids do the same. Somehow I think we as parents have this image that our kids should be different. When I was growing up, I was told to suck it up. If I fell I was told to get up. I was not cuddled by my parents. Depression, these were words you did not speak in the 70’s. We live in very different times today. Our kids struggle not any different then we did, we just could not talk about it. Today they do. This is good. In my case I always thought I encouraged both my kids. In Mike’s case I needed to encourage more. I needed to listen more. Before he passed he had taken the time to write a two page letter. I have learned so much from this letter. A life time of hurts condensed into two pages. I miss him so very much. I wanted his life to have more meaning then just two pages, I decided to get educated on specific topics that surrounded why he took his life, I speak out about the subject matter in my local community. I belong to a local group where I live. I can’t change what happened to my son, however I may be able to change someone else’s out, come and help lift someone up. I hope to very soon get Mike’s story out as well.
Vicki- It’s so hard when a life seems condensed on two pages. My son left a “rap diary.” Longer than two pages but so much pain I had no idea he held. I was so stunned.
After his death, a while actually, I had to consciously think and look back at photos and other instances in our lives but that took a while as I’m sure it has for you. At first, all we can see is the death, and all the questions surrounding it. And after a while, we remember when it was good.
It wasn’t all bad. That shift happened without our help. And we did the best we could with the knowledge we had at the time. I have no idea if my changing communication would have made a difference. And I no longer punish myself for not doing it as soon or as well as I wanted.
It’s hard to accept that our love wasn’t enough. We protected our kids from so much yet how were we to know the real enemy was in their own heads. How were we to know that? It’s so unbelievable.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about Mike. I know he was well loved. And thank you for speaking out, helping others see potential issues and helping yourself heal at the same time.
Anne Moss I think your son loved having you listen to his Rap Song . He knew you loved him and he knew you would be surprised about the sadness of the lyrics . You cannot compare what you may have said to the result because the choices of your adult son are solely his . And his alone . We as Moms think we can always save our sons and sometimes even as we try our best to I could have or I should have . We can never go back but embrace his spirit of honesty and transparency . There are so many other neurological psychological spiritual issues as “ we don’t fight flesh and blood but evil spirits in spiritual places “
I applaud your tenacity and dedication to all those of us who suffer either through seeing loved ones succumb to suicide overdose or any other slow and quick demise .
I have buried more people and comforted more parents and the sadness that lingers in our souls . Once again you are beautifully and wonderfully made by your creator and I’ve got your 6 I will continue to thank you for your work and know that your precious boy did not die in vain we will read his lyrics and share his story.
Peace to you and be kind to yourself so you can step easy in this very difficult space of sadness and grief
Thank you for this thoughtful comment, Carmela. As I struggled in my grief with the coulda, woulda, shouldas and the superman complex of “why couldn’t I save him?” I finally reached a place where I asked myself, “How do you know you didn’t prevent his suicide in the past?” And now I know that if I had done something differently it might or might not have changed anything. It took a while to get there.
I really appreciate the time it took to write this.
Your very welcome 🙏 watched seven friends bury loved ones to a point that when my one loved one spoke of suicidal ideation I was frozen and read everything I could read and wrote online to get resources . The helicopter mom in me couldn’t prevent it if it was going to happen my eldest son and I traveled all around the globe to find him and rescue him to our own health issues but he is 9 mos sober and if the fentanyl heroin and meth salespeople can stay out of America for a minute I would love to see him reach his 30th
Can you speak to the coaches of high school and college and professional . I read where one young athlete took her life . The coaches aren’t vetted and sometimes they are the bullies .
I was called a meth head and drug addict last week at a high school soccer game and than my son who suffers from a brain injury got fired from a “ volunteer soccer coaching position “
I’m not sure if he was bullied and fell or was tripped but he was left for dead in a pool of blood and spent a week in the trauma hospital in tucson
I pray for our safety and those of us who put drug dealers in jail away from our vulnerables
We need protection from the bullies who try to harm us our loved ones and when that doesn’t work they troll us online
I look into the sad faces of children and wonder “ who is protecting those who are sold into sex trafficking and worse killed and buried in shallow graves
Our fight for our vulnerables light to shine must counter the evil that they face each day and maybe the private bullying
I read a case where coaches called a young boy ret345 and they didn’t even get in trouble – until a lone parent came forth and called the district
One day all of us who champion for the rights of mental health to prevail and for the vulnerable to be protected and listened to
We need to be on the benches