As a parent, supporting a child who is thinking about suicide can evoke a lot of different emotions. You may feel scared and not know where to go. You may find yourself experiencing guilt and feeling responsible for what they are going through. You would do anything to help but don’t know where to start.
While talking about suicide may feel intimidating, your support as a parent is key. Perceived connectedness and social support are linked to fewer lifetime suicide attempts. Researchers have also found that parents specifically can play a significant role in helping their children navigate through thoughts of suicide.
Let’s take a look at five most common challenges parents face along with some strategies on how to approach them. These strategies are informed by my work at Suicide Is Different, an organization that works extensively with parents and caregivers of youth thinking about suicide.
Challenge #1: Self-Blame
Many parents report feeling at fault if their child has suicidal thoughts. Not only do many parents start to question their own parenting style, but they also report being blamed by other family members and healthcare providers for their child’s experiences. In particular, mothers tend to bear the brunt of this burden as society commonly expects them to be the caregiver. This can lead parents to overanalyze what has happened in the past, which can become a major source of stress.
How to approach this: It’s important to remember there are factors outside your control that play into your child’s life, including genetics and experiences outside the home. Allow yourself to process your feelings by speaking with a trusted friend or a therapist if needed. Focus on building a more supportive and safe environment moving forward.
Instead of trying to pinpoint where you made mistakes, think about how you might approach things differently in the future. Collaborate with providers, school staff, and others who know your child well to learn ways to support your child.
Challenge #2: Judgment
Parents work very hard to provide a comfortable life for their children. It can be difficult to understand how a child who’s been provided with so much is struggling with suicidal thoughts. It’s natural for some parents to think “it’s not that bad,” or question “why are you feeling this way when you have everything?” These attitudes can make it hard to empathize with the child’s pain. Children are very perceptive. Minimization, denial, disbelief, and other forms of invalidation can also lead to them being more closed off due to feeling unheard and misunderstood.
How to approach this: Instead of minimizing your child’s troubles, take time to listen and keep an open mind. Reflect on your own biases about suicide, and be mindful of how these biases might come across to your child. To increase your empathy, consider reading first-hand accounts from people who have experienced suicidal thoughts. (A good place to start could be Live Through This, a website with dozens of in-depth interviews of suicide attempt survivors.)
Keep an open mind. Stay curious. Going into conversations without preconceived judgments can help you learn – and understand – the depths of your child’s struggles.
Challenge #3: Communication
As if communication between parents and their children isn’t challenging enough, it can become even more complicated when suicide comes in the picture. Suicide is not commonly discussed in our society, so you’re not alone if you’re unsure how to have a conversation around it. Parents often report fears of saying something that makes things worse. It’s tempting to push difficult conversations aside and ignore such important issues.
How to approach this: Gain confidence in having difficult conversations by learning more about supporting a loved one experiencing thoughts of suicide. The words you use can have a lot of power and impact how your message is perceived. You don’t have to agree with everything your child says or change your values in order to be supportive. What’s important is that you show your support through direct and open conversation. By thinking about what you are trying to convey, and being mindful of the words and tone you use, you can communicate you care and open the door for more direct dialogue moving forward.
Challenge #4: Mistrust
It can be difficult to trust your child when suicide is a possibility. You want to do everything in your power to keep their child safe, but strategies such as emptying out medicine cabinets or confiscating sharp objects may be perceived by youth as overbearing and intrusive. While safety is always a priority, it’s also important to be collaborative when you can. Not being aligned in safety planning can make your child hesitant to share how they feel in the future.
How to approach this: Finding a balance between trust and safety requires communication and planning. Create a safety plan with your child – or go over it with them if they already created one with a health professional – and discuss what role you will play in the plan with your child and other caregivers. You can always consult your child’s care provider on what level of involvement makes sense. Collaborating with your child ahead of time allows you to come to a conclusion together and increases their sense of agency. While you may have to assert more control at times depending on the situation, discussing this ahead of time eliminates surprises.
Challenge # 5: Resistance to Help
Many parents may find it difficult to get their children to start – or stay in – therapy . While mental health care has become more accessible and common in our society, some children still feel hesitant or skeptical about therapy. Your child might say they don’t see the value in therapy or feel it takes time away from doing other activities they would prefer.
How to approach this: Instead of introducing therapy as something they must do, help your child recognize the value of therapy. It might be helpful to draw parallels to going to a doctor’s office for check-ups and help with health problems. Encourage them to speak with someone who has been to therapy about their experiences or to read first-hand accounts online about the benefits of treatment. If they hear of bad experiences, acknowledge there are limitations to therapy. Discuss the pros and cons of seeking professional help to collaborate on the best next steps.
Another key is to increase your child’s sense of choice in the situation. Allow them to pick out a good fit when it comes to a clinic and a provider (If you’re not sure where to start looking, this article can help!). Encourage them to bring up questions or concerns during their first sessions. Allowing them to play an active role in the process can increase their engagement and sense of control.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
The unique challenges of caring for a child with suicidal thoughts can create stress for you. It’s easy to lose track of your own needs and focus entirely on your child. On top of utilizing the strategies above, make sure you monitor your wellbeing and plan ahead for activities that recharge you. Maintaining your own wellness will ultimately allow you to provide the sustained support your child needs in the long run.
More Resources for Supporting a Child with Suicidal Thoughts
Looking to learn more? Here are some more resources:
- Suicide Is Different offers a free toolkit to help caregivers process their feelings and learn different strategies to support their loved ones.
- The book Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say and Do provides guidance and support. (The book’s author, Stacey Freedenthal, also created and manages Speaking of Suicide.)
- The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and Now Matters Now also offer educational information about suicide and how to support a loved one.
Copyright 2023 Johanna Louie for Speaking of Suicide. Top photo by Any Lane on Pexels.
I feel like I am counter-culture in many ways, but in this one way my son is still alive a decade after he first talked about feeling suicidal. He told his father, who he hero-worshiped, who called me on the phone, angry, to say he already has dinner plans…enough said. That began my long crusade to deal with my son’s distress (and hopefully prevent his suicide) on my own.
When I see other people’s stories I would urge parents not to see their children’s suicidal expressions as ‘psychological’ threats or ‘blackmail’. In my own situation my son needed our undivided attention, and though I drove to meet him that evening, my ex-husband his father went to dinner with his friends instead. It was half a need I could meet.
What I have had to learn is that in the face of such events *I* am helpless. Of course I tried to engage my ex-husband and get him to help; he did not care about any further personal relationship with our son. He is wealthy so he’s happy to send checks, but that’s a poor substitute for parenting or family. This is not my fault.
My son tried to kill himself at one point by causing a fire. I cannot explain fully what happened, but he said a man appeared and pulled him out of the house and called the fire service.
We later cleaned up the mess and restored the home to functional.
I try not to over-react, but now try to say ‘how do we move forward?’
It’s a small progress but I don’t think my son will attempt suicide right now. So long as I can walk alongside that’s my role whatever happens.
*
None of these situations are ‘Leave it to Beaver’ or ‘Mr Roger’s Neighborhood’…..But it’s important I think to keep hope alive.
That’s difficult at times. Love anyway.
I am a grandparent of an 18 year old grandson that attempted suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him. This is the first time. He was planted in psychiatric care for 6 days. He has wonderful parents. He is scheduled for counseling soon.
I’m so scared. I had a horrible dream last night.
I’m not sure where to turn.